Updates on my journey...

Twitter

2011-09-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Twitter has really taken the place of my blogging...

... but it shouldn't... blogging is more thought out, more creative and better all around .. (at least for me in a selfish way)... twitter is like a blurb, an immediate thought... one which (sometimes) I can't wait until it's too far to scroll down to read. Twitter is about the mundane boring details... I have expectations for my blogs: I expect them to be funny, witty, clever or insightful... maybe I ask too much of my blogging in this Twitterverse kinda world.

If

2011-07-13T22:28:00.000-07:00

We just bought a really great and thoughtful book called "Rules For My Unborn Son" It it filled with great advice for more than just boys, but men and women too... One of the "rules" was that everyone should memorize their favorite poem.

What's your favorite poem?

Mine is: If by Rudyard Kipling:

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I used to be funny... I swear

2011-06-30T21:59:00.000-07:00

I wrote this, 4 or 5 years ago... when I was more naive and definitely more intoxicated:

Dearest Jagermeister,

I'm sorry to end our relationship in a blog. I know that we have history together, but I feel that we have finally grown apart, and now must part ways and move on.

I'm not ending this relationship because I've found another more tasty shot, and don't think I would replace you with Tuaca (which I know has been done to you before). I don't even like Tuaca! There is no other shot I would rather take than you, with exception of the occasional Tequila shot.

I remember when we first met, before Jager machines and bombs catapulted your popularity to drinkers in all demographics. I loved your ice cold herbal liqueur shots, and the fun times that followed. I loved your green glass bottle, and even the funny German name.

I have fond memories of the way things used to be and moments we've shared:

Like the time when my dear friend and I drank an entire bottle, out of itty-bitty blown glass shot glasses (the size of thimbles) that my sister made.

In Miami, when we decided to swim in the ocean at 4am after clubbing together... so much fun! It was unfortunate that I was the only person who was stung by a jellyfish minutes later, but nevertheless you helped make the experience a teeny-weenie bit less painful.

You encouraged me to keep trying to beat the high scores in Word Dojo and General Trivia, and I finally did.

Good times ... ah ... good times ...

But lately, things have not been the same between us. I don't have any good recent memories of time spent with you. Actually, I don't remember anything at all! My only memories are made secondhand, the next day, when I check my drunken text messages and look through my dialed calls. It didn't used to be this way.

You don't treat me the way you used to, and I think we both know this is true. We've finally grown apart. Know that I'll always remember the good times... well, at least the ones I can remember.

I wish you the best,

-Ryann

PS. I'm keeping your hat (the one with your logo)

Mother's Day

2011-05-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

3 years ago, if you would have told me that I would be a mother of an 18 month old, I would have laughed in your face, "NO WAY!" There is no way I could have possibly imagined the path that life has taken me.

Four years ago, after suffering the sudden and tragic loss of the love of my life, I was searching.... searching for life, searching for clues... searching for myself, searching for a reason to want to live. I drove across the country and back. Along the way I was partying way too much... I was smoking cigarettes by the carton, drinking, popping pills, anything to keep me from feeling like a part of real life.

I had just decided to move to a new city. I had just signed the lease to a cute studio apartment, I was two weeks away from moving. The last thing I was expecting was to be expecting... and then it happened. My body was acting a little funky, so on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was IMMEDIATELY positive. Like an out-of-body experience, I stood there... holding the test... I could barely even read the results because my hand was shaking so badly. I felt weak. I felt like I was going to faint. So, I popped a Klonopin and made the phone call.... "I'm pregnant." That was just a little over two years ago...

Now I have this perfect little man, this little being in my life who is the love of my life. I have this little family that I love so very dearly. I have found life again. I love being a part of life again. Being a mother has changed my life for the better, I take better care of myself, because I want to make sure I can be there for him to provide him with the best life possible. I look into his eyes and I find the strength that I never knew I had, and I find love that I never knew I'd ever be able to experience, on a level that I never even knew existed.

Crocs...

2011-04-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

I know I've talked about my unfortunate love of Crocs before...

Yes... it's true.

I always hated the shoes, thought everyone looked ridiculous wearing them, unless they were really old, or little kids... And then, one day 4 years ago, it happened:

I was about to go outside barefoot and a pair of Croc flip-flops were by the backdoor. So, I slipped them on and.... BOOM! They were the most comfortable flip-flops I had ever had on my feet. It was like walking on two perfect orthapedic clouds made just for me... and I unfortunately fell in love.

But those were flip-flops, I told myself, not the Croc-y Crocs that you see people wearing in ridiculous colors that I would NEVER wear. Little did I know, that the flip-flops were the gateway drug of Crocs... after about a year I bought a pair of brown real Croc-y Crocs... I told myself and other people that they were my "studio shoes"... I mean, what artist doesn't need a good pair of studio shoes??? Right?! Riiiiiight...

Having "studio shoes" was just a slippery slope to wearing them all of the time... They became the easy shoe to slip on whenever I had to go anywhere... I became one of THOSE Croc wearing people... and I didn't even care, because my feet were so happy... after a lifetime of uncomfortable cute shoes, my feet were SO happy.

I wish I could say that my addiction to Crocs stopped there... but that would be a lie. I even went to a Croc outlet store and bought Croc Maryjanes... I justified this purchase to myself and thought, if I was going to wear Crocs everyday, it'd be better if they didn't look so Croc-ish...

I wore both pair all through out my pregnancy, and post baby too... and then one day I decided, it was time to step up the wardrobe. So, I sold the Mary Janes at a garage sale (lucky bitch), and I decided to keep the "studio shoes" for gardening... (yeah right)...

This is where divine intervention must have taken place, and now those shoes have magically dissappeared... gone forever... Which is probably for the best... I know it is.

But the whole point of this LONG Croc story is, I decided to buy some Crocs for my little guy. Little kids look so cute in them and they are so easy to put on... it doesn't matter if they get wet... ya know...

So finally, they arrive in the mail, and I go to put them on his feet and he screams and cries in horror!

MY BABY HATES CROCS!!! What??? I'm so confused... they are so comfortable, they are so easy... and yet he cries and tugs at them and wants to get them off as fast as he can...

My kid is so much cooler than I'll ever be...

Praying for Japan

2011-03-16T21:27:00.000-07:00

I thought about blogging, about the little idiosyncrasies of the day:
Like blogging about how someone stole my debit card info and tried to use my card, or about how I can't believe the CVS by my house is only open till 10 pm, or about how scared I was taking my little one to the dentist for the first time...

And then I think about Japan. I see the videos of the tsunami, and my heart breaks for Japan, and the people effected by the earthquake, tsunami and now the fear of radiation from the nuclear reactors...
and when I see videos like this one, I'm speechless:

How can I bitch about everyday life when my everyday life is normal!?

I still have a house, a city, a child to take to the dentist... I feel so fortunate that for today, everyone I know and love is safe and sound. I know firsthand how fast that can change... So, today, I'm embracing my mundane day-to-day activities of everyday life, and saying prayer and sending all my love to the people of Japan... and donating too...

There is one story that came out of Japan, among the countless stories of horror and heartbreak, there is one story that makes my heart happy. The story of a little baby found alive and reunited with her family.

Drunk Ass

2011-03-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Happy Mardi Gras everyone!

I love LOVE LOVE Mardi Gras!!! And I'm so sad that I'm not in NOLA this year for it! It is my all time favorite holiday... I wish that Mardi Gras was a national holiday... In Louisiana, kids get a WEEK off of school and everyone wears costumes...

I love costumes... I guess I'm a NOLA gal at heart. All of the Mardi Gras parades are amazing, but my very favorite day is Fat Tuesday, or Mardi Gras day, when everyone wears beautiful, elaborate costumes and everyone is so happy that the atmosphere is ELECTRIC... Everyone passing you on the street yells "Happy Mardi Gras!" or "Happy Carnival!"... it's an amazing experience to be in the French Quarter that day. It's electric!

I was not at Mardi Gras this year. I was instead, getting ready to fly to Orlando with a 16 month old to visit my bestfriend. I am so excited to see her and for the trip, but I was freaking out about flying with a busy toddler by myself... I just got an iPad and spent all of last night learning how to download shows and movies... I downloaded a bunch of Dora the Explorers and Backyardigans, and apps to keep little ones busy ... but I'm just learning how to use the iPad and at times it was so frustrating I wanted to cry and throw it! Throw it across the room/ in the trash... I didn't care.... I just hated the iPad last night.

I think part of my problem is that I've never had an iPhone, and have rarely used my iPod, so this was all new territory for me. I stayed up until 2 am trying to figure everything out....

So, last night I had stress-induced Mardi Gras dreams:

I dreamed that I was playing the keyboard (yes... I had a gig... at a hotel...) and I was missing the Mardi Gras celebration. But then, after my gig, I left the keyboard with the front desk and walked towards the action.

All of these people were greeting me, "Hi Ryann, Happy Mardi Gras!" They knew me, but I didn't recognize them, but I pretended to anyway... I thought I had Prosopagnosia the same disorder that my sister called, excitedly the other day, to tell us she has: Prosopagnosia (look it up, yo!) ...and yes, she really does think she has this... and if I've ever not remembered you, maybe I have it too...

Then, someone gave me a donkey to ride. So I was riding a donkey in the post-Mardi Gras crowd, when a girl gave my donkey a bucket of beer.... My donkey drank it, and got so drunk that he passed out... In the middle of the road.

So, of course (in my dream), I wanted to take a picture with my phone and upload it to Facebook with the caption: "My drunk ass at Mardi Gras!"

Get it?! Drunk ass/donkey??

I'm so slightly funny (or punny - haha) in my dreams...

Anyways, I could not get the phone to take a picture... and if it did take, I couldn't get it to upload to Facebook... very similar to my frustration with the iPad last night...

But don't worry: There was no drunk ass at Mardi Gras... at least, no ass of mine!

Happy MARDI GRAS!!!

By the way:
Thank GOD the iPad was created .... it is an AMAZING way to keep my toddler happy on a long plane ride!

imagine

2011-03-05T18:15:00.000-08:00

I bought these really cool recycled tin letters online for the little guy's room.

Out of all of the words I could have chose from: Peace, Smile, Dream, Hope, Live, Love and Imagine, I chose imagine. It reminded me of the John Lennon song and I thought it would be perfect for him to wake up and see the word "Imagine" everyday.

Of course, I chose the word with the most letters!!! SEVEN INDIVIDUAL LETTERS... and you have to hang each letter with screws, on the wall... And some letters have a hole for one screw in the back and some have two... How the hell am I gonna do this without going crazy?!

When I opened the package, I laid out the letters on the dinning room table, and just getting them even and straight took at least 10 minutes... but I wasn't even trying to hang them...

So, I found a piece of wood outside.... I think what I might do is paint this wood, and then glue the letters on the wood and then just hang the piece of wood... That sounds easier... I think...

But now I'm trying to figure out, what color to paint the wood and what type of glue to use..... I'm imagining all of the possibilities...

Here's what they look like laid out on the scrap wood:

New Year's reality checks

2011-02-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

Okay... So...

I made resolutions this year. I had a goal... or goals...

My first goal/resolution was to be, think and speak more positively. I think in the last 3 years, I've developed a pretty negative inner dialogue, and I don't want to become a bitter person... so this year's goal was to get out of the negativity and negative thinking! So far, I think I'm doing alright... (notice the positive tone :))

My second goal is to get back into art.

This is where I'm having a problem.

I promised myself that I would start a painting by the end of January... That didn't happen.... I stared and stared at a blank canvas... But I wasn't staring at a blank canvas sitting in front of me... the blank canvas is tucked away between the chest of drawers and the wall of my bedroom. But I know it's there... and it's the one I'm going to paint on.... eventually. I hope.

AH! Artist's block!

I haven't painted anything since the baby was born... 15 months ago!

People say having a baby should be creatively inspiring... but I feel like I used up all of my creative juices growing him, and then taking care of him... and now chasing him... After he goes to bed, and I'm done cleaning up the toddler mess, I would much rather veg out on the couch with a glass of wine and watch the Jersey Shore than get out paints and start trying to be creative...

So, I bought a camera. A big bad SLR camera... well, not the baddest, but the entry model of the baddest: a Nikon 3100. I had these delusions of skipping around with my awesome new camera, taking amazing, artistic shots of the world around me... taking amazing, artistic and creative shots of my toddler... but (reality check) that's not happening either.

I'm learning how to use my camera. And I'm also learning that it's impossible to set up a shot, and adjust the settings on my camera all while chasing a really fast toddler.

I guess the artsy stuff will come later... until then, I will enjoy the Jersey Shore, and Photoshop will be my best friend.

This is my most "artsy" shot to date (and I don't think this really "counts"):

sharing.

2010-08-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure when that knot in my stomach, that pain in my chest will go away. It's been almost three years and when I think of C or look at pictures or hear his voice that pain, that kind of pain that hurts so deep, the kind that takes away my breath, comes back.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the nearing of the anniversary. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's lack of sleep. Maybe I'm not as good at the grief thing as I thought. Maybe it'll go away. Maybe it'll never ever go away. Maybe...

I try to stay focused on the present and future... and look back on the past with love. But some times the pain sneaks in. I don't always feel like this. But I have been for the last week or so. I'm sad. I miss Carter and it physically hurts to miss him.

I'm blessed in so many other ways. I know that. I'm blessed to have a partner who understands, who has been there for me, who I trust and love. I'm blessed that son makes me smile and laugh everyday and makes my heart smile.

I don't know why I felt like sharing this tonight. But I did... and now I feel a little bit better.

A year flies by...

2010-01-25T11:44:00.000-08:00

One year in 120 seconds from Eirik Solheim on Vimeo.

It's amazing how fast a year goes by.

Life was completely different a year ago... I was trying to figure out what to do with my life, where to move, what to do next... and now I'm in Austin, with a bundle of joy, and I'm focused on the future, for him... for us.

I still have a lot to figure out... but I think that is an issue that will never totally go away.... I hope it never does.

I will blog again... but taking a break for now.

2009-10-24T22:19:00.000-07:00

So, it looks like I've abandoned this blog. I haven't.

But, I haven't been feeling all that great... I haven't wanted to paint, because that would mean me sitting on the floor.... and I'm 9 months pregnant and that is the last thing I want to do... and I don't want to blog and sound like Debbie Downer... I'd rather wait until I'm on a creative binge again. Soooo, I'm taking a break.

I'm not sure for how long. But, I will be back and blogging soon.

Show Tomorrow!

2009-08-19T22:35:00.001-07:00

I'm in Dallas. The opening reception for the show is tomorrow!

Here are the details:

Date: Thursday, August 20, 2009
Time: 8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Magnolia Theatre, upstairs
Address: 3699 McKinney Ave, Dallas, TX
check www.magnoliagallerydallas.com for updates and pictures.

The show runs from August 20th - September 23rd.

I've been moving and haven't had an internet connection.... and haven't made time to blog... but I've gotten a lot of work done since the last time I blogged.

I've changed several of the pieces significantly and I now have 8 pieces on wood, plus the 4 silhouettes on canvas.

I'm actually happy with the work, and it looks great up on the walls! Thanks to Scott and Nicole Horn at Magnolia!!!

bad egg

2009-08-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

last night I burned water... and eggs.

I was going to hard boil a few eggs. I put the eggs and water on the stove to boil and then I started to paint...

Drawing patterns and going over patterns is very meditative for me... I started drawing and getting really into it.... so into it that after I was done with the patterns on one painting, I picked up another and did the same thing...

I'm not really sure how many hours had gone by when I heard an explosion in the kitchen... The explosion was the eggs popping open... the yokes popped completely out! There was no water left in the pot... just really stinky burned eggs. Yuck!

The good part of the story is that I am REALLY happy with the way one of the pieces turned out... I tried a new technique and like it so much, I think I may continue to use it.

Here are the two pieces I worked on last night: (they are both 2'x2' on wood) .... and once again they are for my upcoming show at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia Theater) in Dallas, August 20th- Sept. 23rd.

and I've posted this one before- but I finished the background last night.

Hummingbirds

2009-07-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

This is a hummingbird that I started today.

Check out this beautiful song that my dear friend Manya, and her band, Blue Petal wrote for me after Carter's death.

It's called "Hummingbird"

You can hear it on my Myspace page.... just a warning: I have not updated my myspace page in ages.

and here is a direct link to Manya's myspace page

And when you fall in love with her music and voice, the CD Blue Petal, Golden Storybook is available on CD Baby and iTunes.

This is a blog that wrote on my myspace page almost two years ago:

October 19th, 2007

why hummingbirds... i don't know. The last night I saw carter i was finishing the 5th of my bird drawings... it was a hummingbird. the other day i found a shirt I bought about a year ago... on it it has a beautiful hummingbird, and underneath that it says 10:30 Sept 2nd. 10:30 pm, is about the time i was finishing my hummingbird drawing, before i met carter out on Sept 2nd... the last time i saw him, since he was killed on the morning of the 3rd. The shirt also says Thurs and A7 - which i don't understand the significance of.

Since then, Manya (Blue Petal), wrote me a beautiful song about hummingbirds, and just today i was given a tail feather of a hummingbird. what is the significance of hummingbirds?

then I found this: Significance of Hummingbirds

"In many traditional cultures of the western world the hummingbird has powerful religious and spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, for example, the hummingbird is taken to be a symbol of resurrection. This is because each hummer becomes lifeless and seems to die on cold nights, but it comes back to life again when the miraculous sunrise brings warmth.

Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one really gets hurt. They teach us simple courage. Andrews says the twittering, vibrating sounds of the hummingbirds bring us an internal masage that restores health and balance.

Hummingbirds also inspire us to protect the environment and to preserve old traditions that are in danger of being lost. When Native American ways were being destroyed by the expanding Euro-American culture, the Ghost-Shirt religion was established to try to bring back the animals and old ways through dancing. The leader of the dance was a hummingbird....

Certainly hummingbird magic is available to all who live in the New World. There is something inside the soul of all of us that wants to soar through sunbeams, then dance midair in a delicate mist, then take a simple bath on a leaf.

There is something in our souls that wants to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, making them freeze in time. There is something in us that wants to fly backwards and savor once more the beautiful past.

Some of us are just hummingbird people."

Maybe I'm a hummingbird person.

If you've read my "bubbles" blog, you know how I feel about bubbles.

Here is a picture I found of a hummingbird with bubbles:

maybe i constantly search for signs.... possibly too much... but it gives me some sense of comfort. I would never have thought, but maybe i'm a "hummingbird person"

blah-blah-bloggy

2009-07-30T01:56:00.000-07:00

I need to blah-blah-blog....

But I'm too tired.

I'm covered in blue paint and my back is sore... BUT I feel like I'm getting rid of the artist block... I already sketched out a b-i-g hummingbird on one of my backgrounds.... It's ready to paint tomorrow!

I'm going to make myself do one more... just one more, silhouette... then I will be free as a bird! (okay... it's too late at night for me to be typing and posting stuff online....)

This is what I worked on tonight:

Goodnight!

I'll write more later.

silhouette x4 = creative flow?

2009-07-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

This is my 25 week (now 26 wk) belly that keeps getting in the way of serious arts and crafty-ness:

My second day of 4 hours of painting... and guess what?!?! I got blocked!

YUP! Creative constipation... and I was doing so good too... which is when the blockage usually strikes...

When I'm not on a time crunch, I have several methods of de-clogging myself:

1. Sit and stare at my piece for days or weeks at a time.

2. Ask any and everyone I come across what their suggestion would be...

3. Draw patterns.... trace patterns, draw patterns... I'll spend weeks working on tedious intricate patterns that I'll never really use.

4. Paint over what I have and start completely over.

Because I'm on a time crunch... I don't have time for any of the above.

So, I did this instead:

I bought 4 canvases.
I found an image I like.
I decided to paint the silhouette of the image on each canvas in different colors.

I finished one tonight:

I almost gave up on it half way through. But I pushed through... I think 4 of them, in different colors, will look nice hanging together. Plus, I can price them a bit lower... and they're simple. Maybe people will like them... Maybe painting 4 of these will be just the creative deblocker I need to get my flow back. (wow... I'm quite the wordsmith tonight!)

I'm crossing my fingers!

Getting to work

2009-07-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

Okay.... Down to the wire... HAVE GOT to get to work!!! Paint paint paint!!!!

My show is August 20th- Sept 23rd at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia theater) in Dallas.

I need to stop thinking and judging so much and just start PAINTING!!!

I've decided to paint at LEAST 4 hours a day for the next 6 days.

The only thing is that now 4 hours is more like 8 hours... because I have to take frequent breaks, and stretch and walk around...

My belly is getting bigger! Sometimes I wish it was detachable.... and I could take it off to sleep and paint.... and then put it back on afterwards.

Tonight I worked mainly on backgrounds....

The last two I need to paint something on.... I'm trying to be more free... and less rigid and I want to stop judging what comes out of me naturally... I need to stop.

I may paint a bit more tonight... just a little more. And then 4 hours tomorrow too!

Presence

2009-07-27T23:29:00.001-07:00

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.

This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

screw up

2009-07-14T21:47:00.000-07:00

My new favorite album to paint to, that I forgot I bought on iTunes in January, and forgot to listen to: Nouvelle Vague
My new favorite not-new-cover song that I'm listening to over and over again tonight: Making Plans for Nigel by Nouvelle Vague

Sometimes I get scared.

I get scared to put a mark down with paint. I get scared to screw it up. I get so scared that I never even try.

I used to start drawing by closing my eyes and scribbling on paper, and then open them and make something out of the scribble. It always turned out well.... I just went with the flow and worked with the scribble instead of fighting against it. I always knew that if something didn't look right, I could keep working with it until it finally took form.

I've lost that attitude. I need to get it back.

I haven't been happy with these 4 new paintings. They're boring me. They look like something I'd see in a hotel or something. I'm getting bored with them before i finish them...

Something has been keeping me from moving forward... I think I'm too scared to screw them up. Also, I'm being timed... I have to have a certain number of paintings done by a certain date.

So, tonight, I decided I would screw up my paintings a bit... and then work with them.

But that's WAY easier said than done....

But I did add a squiggly background on the hawk.... (I just barely added color to the bird in this one... so it's not even close to looking how it will look.)

This is a close-up

step back

2009-07-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

Babies R Us is a scary, scary place. I went there today to register... holy moly.

The woman at the front registry desk was real gruff, smelled like a freshly smoked cigarette and used the word "crap" about 4 times, before explaining the process and the store... and then told me and the other pregnant woman "don't get overwhelmed!"

But she was too late... I was overwhelmed before I even stood up.

It's a really cruel trick of nature that the one time and place where I really need a drink, or shot of tequila, is walking into Babies R Us, pregnant.

There is so much baby paraphernalia... and so many accessories and parts of stuff on stuff that it's like going to another planet. ... pure and utter culture shock.... Monkeys or Dinosaurs? Green or Blue? Boppys or Breast Friends.... Jumpers or Bouncers.... YIKES.

I did my best... my sister came and offered moral support... when I got stuck in a rut, unable to decide between the red car or the blue car onesie, she was able to pull me out by reminding me that it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory... a well deserved treat. ... followed by a 4 hour nap.

Tonight, I had the treehouse (garage apt) to myself. I try, I really do try to paint with and in front of other people... but I'm not good at it... I think it's a self-confidence thing... or something. I don't mind posting pictures of my work in-progress and on the web... but trying to paint with someone else in the room is hard for me... I can't seem to get into a flow state unless I'm alone. Tonight I was alone, and I flowed until my hips couldn't take it anymore!

I did these guys on the yellow background... I was planning to do a hummingbird... but changed my mind... and they're not flying (I changed my mind again).

Part of the reason why I post pictures of my work in progress, is so I can see them with new eyes. Sometimes, when I'm working on a piece so closely, I lose touch with the piece itself... So, the process of taking a photo, editing the photo to make it look more like the piece, posting the picture, writing about the piece and reading the finished post, helps me to step back and see the piece from a distance... sometimes it helps me immediately identify what is bugging me about the piece...

like this one:

The bird is looking a little better... but his mouth needs some work still... also, I changed part of the pattern to blue... The blue is too light of a light blue... it needs something a little darker.

making some progress.

2009-07-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

I did swim.... and I did manage to get enough motivation together to paint.

I've been a pretty timid painter this time. Maybe because I'm on a time crunch... but I'm having a difficult time actually putting paint down and lines down. I think I've developed some sort of fear of drawing. I used to draw all of the time, now, I get anxious when I'm about to draw. I need to work on that. I've gotta draw more often.

I filled in the bird on green... and then outlined him.

Then, I colored turquoise behind this hawk sketch. The color looks strange because of the lighting.... but it's really one solid turquoise color. I started to stencil pattern behind him, and then stopped. I'm not sure how much stenciling I'll be doing this time around.

Oh.... and This is one of my favorite things:

What's cuter than a panda sneezing?!? really?!?

I think I can.

2009-07-10T11:15:00.000-07:00

I will paint today. I will, I will.

I haven't painted in a few days... part of me has a laid back "it will get done" attitude, and the other part of me is freaking out, pulling my hair out and wants to scream at the laid back part of me...

I have a big... and I mean B-I-G next two months: Show and Move.

I'm already starting to over-think and trying to get too crafty with the paintings I'm doing. I need to get them out first and think second.

I'm going to paint... but first, I think I might swim... it IS 110 degrees today.

Getting Warmer

2009-07-06T22:26:00.000-07:00

One big difference in how I blogged before, and how I'm going to blog from now on: I'm not going to blog EVERY day. I'd ideally like to blog 4-5 days a week... but not 7. I'm glad to be out of the vicious cycle of blogger's guilt!

This holiday weekend was fun.. but HOT!!! It is too hot in Texas. Triple digits = ridiculous! I need to find a pool and park my butt in it for the the next two months.

I've been sitting outside on my computer... a cockroach just flew up and landed on my head... I threw it off... I'm proud of myself that I didn't freak out.. run downstairs and start pouring bleach on myself ... or something like that... maybe being around so many bugs last summer was good for me after all...

I did work on my paintings this weekend:

This painting was a STRUGGLE. I fought the wood and the wood fought the paint... finally I painted a very thick layer of Acrylic medium over it... I hope that will make things a lot easier.

I like this painting of a Bohemian Waxwing... but something is bugging me... I think the painting is too gray. I would like to add some texture and pattern around him... but right now I'm unsure about what colors to use. I need to add a little more yellow and red on him... I really like these birds and their coloring, so I may be painting a few of them. He's far from done...

This next piece is a generic "bird"

I gessoed parts of the bird ... but so far this wood has also been a bit difficult to work on... even though it was primered. More Acrylic Matte Medium!

I like the pattern down one side... but I'm not sure I'm liking the background color... not yet.

I've also painted another board YELLOW! and of course I LAYERED the Acrylic Matte Medium over the yellow immediately! I want to paint a HUGE hummingbird on it.

It's been a while since I've painted.... so the flow has yet to come... but hopefully if I keep plugging away at it, it'll happen when I'm least expecting it!

I was having trouble applying paint on the wood.. even after I primed the boards... I couldn't get a clear line and it was just a struggle getting the paint where i wanted it. I used the matte medium over the first bird... it dries clear... but i plan to paint on top of it.

From now on, I'm going to paint an under coat of the matte medium.... but i know you can mix it with paint, and paint over and under. it gives a much smoother surface than gesso.

One Lesson learned: Acrylic Matte Medium is my FRIEND! a much better friend than Gesso, fo' sho!

Don't call it a comeback!

2009-07-03T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm baaack!

The last several months I've been working on life-stuff, rather than art-stuff...

I started this blog so everyone would know where I was... and what I was doing. But, after a certain point, I decided that I don't always want everyone to know everything. My private life has to stay private... So, now I'm back. And we'll see what happens now...

I'm in Austin, and at the end of August, I'm having my first SOLO show in Dallas at the Magnolia Gallery. I have some older pieces that I may put in the show, but I REALLY want to get some new paintings done and up. I've decided to paint birds in flight... (maybe because I've been moving so much... hmmm?? or things are changing so fast??)

I went to Home Depot and bought 6 2ftx2ft pieces of wood, and I set up a studio in the corner of the room (and I've already turned it into a mess).

I thought getting to work would be much easier... but I'm in my 6th month of pregnancy and it's getting harder and harder to move around like I'm used to. Sitting on the floor is something I can only do in small increments... and overall, I'm just not as graceful as I used to be... not that I was really "graceful" before... but now I'm really clumsy and awkward... and make a lot of grunting noises when I move.. and my hips hurt and back hurts... and .... okay.... I'll stop now.

I've had to use much more Gesso on these boards than I have in the past. My idea is to do one bird on each... so far, this is what I've got:

Not much to look at... just the background colors and a couple of sketches. But at least I'm back and working again... I haven't got into my flow yet... but I feel it coming!

Here's something else that is really cool!

A cicada, coming out of its shell on our porch! I've seen a lot of cicadas (the plague in NC last summer), but never watched one hatch...

Zippy

2009-03-19T21:21:00.000-07:00

That is a collage I made for Steve, for his birthday... See, even though I've been slacking on blogging, I haven't been slacking creatively... at least, not too bad...

So, I'm in Austin. I gave up trying to find work for SXSW. There are TONS of volunteers... so many people will volunteer to work to get in to see the shows.... and then there's me, who really doesn't care all that much to go see the shows... I just wanna get paid.
SXSW has started here... and there is music everywhere. I also underestimated how big this festival has gotten.

I'm going to visit Cas tomorrow... I'll be gone till Tuesday. It'll be nice to get out of this craziness for a few days...

The last two or three days I've been walking around with my zipper down... Not on purpose... but every time I look down, my zipper's down... I'm not sure how this is happening... Either, I'm forgetting to zip... or the zippers are failing... but it's two separate pairs of jeans... and i've been a good zipper for a long time, why would I all of a sudden forget to zip?!?

Carter's CD

2009-03-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

Carter Albrecht
Jesus Is Alive... and Living in London

Carter's CD (Jesus is Alive... and Living in London) is now out, on iTunes... :)

The official release date is coming soon.

To anyone who hasn't heard it: It is truly amazing. Carter comes through so much, and so honestly throughout the entire CD... I'm so glad it is out... and soon to be officially released, so other people can discover Carter and his music.

So, Check it out... and spread the word.... This album is his beautiful voice, and deserves to be heard... just like he wanted it to be...

Blogger's Guilt

2009-03-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

So.... I've got a case of "Blogger's Guilt".... in a bad way.... and it's just a vicious cycle: I feel bad for not blogging, so I avoid blogging, so then I feel worse about not blogging... so then I avoid it even more.....

So, I need to start posting stuff.... daily, again....

Last week, I came back to Austin... My move into the apartment was put on hold.... so I came here to get a job, and start working.

Then, last weekend, I got sick... AGAIN. Not the same stomach flu.... but the achy, tired, feverish stuff... Finally, today I'm feeling better.

I have started working on some small, cut and paste collages that are 4"x4" :

.... and I bought a little sewing kit too.... so I can stitch a bit...

This week, I'm feeling better, so I'm definitely looking for work... A lot of the SXSW jobs I've come across don't pay money... but pay in wristbands.... I'd rather be paid in money...

okay.... now I feel a lot less guilty.... :)

flu miserables....

2009-03-01T22:44:00.000-08:00

Just a few pics from Mardi Gras....

Mr Peanut

I went to a party where some girls were painting coconuts for the Zulu parade... Zulu is on Mardi Gras Day, and they throw coconuts... and it's pretty cool to catch one.... I was excited to paint one!

This Friday, I went to go see Les Miserables with my family at the Midland Community Theater...

It was great! I love the music from Les Mis..... My parents used to play soundtracks from Broadway musicals when I was growing up... so it's music I grew up too... I learned bad words from Les Mis.... ha! (funny, but true....)

I remember, when I was about 8, my parents were having a pool party... and I called someone (jokingly) a "bastard!".... the next thing I remember is my parents taking me inside and questioning me.... where had I learned that word? who told me that word? etc..... well, It was from Les Mis. but until that point, I didn't know it was a bad word...

I'm glad I was able to keep myself from singing along... I'd really like to go to a sing-a-long Les Mis show... :)

Afterwards.... I was feeling great... took Grandma home.... got back to the house and *BAM* .... I didn't feel good.... at all..... so much so, that I walked down to the foot of the stairs and yelled "Mom! MOm! MOMMM!!"
"What Ryann?"
"Mom, I don't feel good......" jeez.... I just turned 29... and I sounded like I was 9..... then I walked upstairs to try to go to bed....

But I had the flu.... the 24hr... knock-you-down-and-drag-you-out kinda flu.....

that sucked....

I'm finally starting to feel better.... but kinda loopy....

back from nola

2009-02-26T21:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm back...

I had a great b-day and fun Mardi Gras...

We were going to be the unicorns- Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise- from "Planet Unicorn" (ridiculous cartoon show on youtube... but the theme song is hysterical!)..

And some one sent me a link to "How to create a Unicorn costume"... that is really funny.... I love how it says: You'll feel like a powerful and enchanted mythic being in this unicorn costume. But, I never got the chance to make the horns.... So, the plan changed to (as always...) just look as ridiculous as possible on Mardi Gras day)...

I did buy a BEAUTIFUL mask that I wore... It is by an artist based in NY, Wendy Drolma... and I HAD to have it, because she is an amazing artist... and because it reminded me so much of the moths I had been painting... she even called the style "Luna".... but said they are butterfly masks... not moths...

This is a pic from Mardi Gras day that I really like... I have no clue who is in the pic with me... but I do like this photo a lot!

I'm in full process of planning... I need to get to Austin, and to work, on my own work and side jobs if necessary.

I have serious "not-updating-web-site" guilt! but I have sold a few prints through my web site lately... but still... I've gotta understand the online world much better.... how to market and stuff...

This was a quick update... it's nice to be back with Dylan... who is snoring right by my foot right now...

plans

2009-02-21T22:34:00.000-08:00

Well, as I know all too well... as much as you can plan something out... nothing is guaranteed...

Some unforeseen money issues have come up and will hopefully be unfrozen "in the foreseeable future" .... whatever that direct quote means.... I'm not sure.... but the damage (not just to me) is done... and it's sad... Our financial system is so screwed up that people can get away with ripping off innocent people... It's so ridiculous... What's even stranger is: about a month ago I had a dream where no one could get money out of banks... and cards didn't work... then cash... It was just a scary dream.... but now I feel like I'm watching it actually happen....

So, I may or may not be able to move into the apt. in Austin... Which would have been next week...

I'm still planning to move there... maybe to a different place, maybe not, maybe later, maybe not... I don't know... I'm tired... I felt like all signs were steering me there... maybe they still are.... I'm sick of guessing.

I'm still going to New Orleans tomorrow. I'll be celebrating my Lundi Gras b-day with good friends, who I haven't seen in a long time. I'm looking forward to having fun, before coming back to figure out what I can with this mess....

Earworm

2009-02-18T00:08:00.001-08:00

The songs that seem to come out of nowhere... and get stuck in your head....

This is one that's my most recent earworm

RUBBER RING
by The Smiths

A sad fact widely known
The most impassionate song
To a lonely soul
Is so easily outgrown
But dont forget the songs
That made you smile
And the songs that made you cry
When you lay in awe
On the bedroom floor
And said : oh, oh, smother me mother...
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...

The passing of time
And all of its crimes
Is making me sad again
The passing of time
And all of its sickening crimes
Is making me sad again
But dont forget the songs
That made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, youre older now
And youre a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

The passing of time leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled (the passing ...)
The passing of time
Leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled
Im here with the cause
Im holding the torch
In the corner of your room
Can you hear me ?
And when youre dancing and laughing
And finally living
Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring

Do you
Love me like you used to ?
Oh ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...

Youre clever
Everybodys clever nowadays
Youre clever
Everybodys clever nowadays

You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping

steppin'

2009-02-17T00:57:00.000-08:00

Knowing that I'm moving soon makes it harder to be "present" or stay in the present.....

No wonder moving is so stressful on people.... you have to plan for the future.... not just plan... but expect the plan to materialize...

Yesterday I bought two books...

One is The Pocket Guide to Insects.... very interesting... lots of butterflies and moths... no Luna moths though.... which is just a damn shame.... also, the title of the book suggests that you could put it in your pocket.... but it's actually WAY bigger than pocket size....

The other one is "the Twelve Steps for Anyone.... who really wants them"..... reading through that made me question if I'd been neglecting my spiritual health.... it's all moving's fault anyways... :)

But really.... I haven't felt as "connected" as I usually do.... and I know that that comes in waves.... maybe I'm in the ebb rather than flow.... or maybe I haven't been paying as much attention as I usually do.....

I honestly think the world would be a much safer, peaceful and happier place if everyone would work the 12-steps... not necessarily for a substance addiction..... but the more common addiction to ego, and the physical and material world....

Another "Notes to Self"

2009-02-15T03:01:00.000-08:00

I'm back in Midland, but I've spent the last few weeks in Austin, "feeling it out"... but not ready to make a commitment to moving... I guess I was waiting for my pumpkin to be turned into a carriage or something.... but then, it was brought to my attention..... and I realized: I have to decide.... make a decision even if it's scary and there is no fairy godmother involved.....

So, I found a place, in Austin.... In the neighborhood I like.... its a SMALL studio apartment.... (400 sq ft).... but you know what? I don't need "stuff".... there's NO safety in objects... Or ideas, plans or people... so I think this will be a good thing for me..

i'm back in Midland now.... with my pups.. and family....

My B-day is on Lundi Gras this year.... so, my parents used their airline credits and (AWWWWW YEAH) I'm headed down to NOLA for Carnival time! It'll be good.... I haven't seen my friends there in years.... and Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday.... i just don't know what I should be (costume-wise)..... We'll see.... I'm excited to go there!

Soooo... Since it's late and I'm tired...

I thought I'd do another "notes to self" segment..... (the random notes I write myself on my phone.... but I usually forget I wrote):

50
Arachnidiot: A person who accidentally wanders into an "invisible" spider web and begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

(yes I've done that.... and seen others do it too.... I copied this down from the Galaxy Cafe)

Hawaii
(seen in Kauai)

Mele Kalikimaka

"Drifted objects tumbled pieces of life, only the strongest reach the shore to be found and transformed, abstract representations of life lived." (quote from an artist at Little Tsunami Tattoo)

I Need

Someone to tell me to "go to bed" at a decent hour.... Being a night person has its darkside, especially when you're trying to live on the light side. Some hate the moon.... I tend to lean towards the side that hates the sun...f mornings!!!

Is it possible?
If i sleep in my scarf, could I accidentally strangle myself in my sleep?

Love:
I'm in love:
With what love gives
and what it takes.
Giving myself love,
Giving to love...
In the end:
It all goes back to love....
We all return to love.....

Nothing:
I don't have anything earth-shattering to say;
Nothing amazing to say...
I just have my thoughts,
my voice,
my one voice in the sea of billions,
my one voice in the history of trillions
of life stories.....
past, present, future...

One More
One more cigarette.
One more time.
One more minute.
One more chance to say what I wanted to.....
What I meant to.
Just one more.
.... and then another one.

What?!
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What?
Sorry, I don't hear well....
....{these are} conversations i have.....

Peaceful Place

2009-02-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

25 things

2009-02-10T01:27:00.000-08:00

call me lazy.... or whatever.... but i feel like i should blog... because i haven't lately.... and i posted this on face book... so I thought I'd post it here too..

25 Random Things

1. I'm addicted to Soy Chai Lattes (not a cheap addiction)

2. When the Starbucks employees started to greet me with, "Hi Ryann, Soy Chai?" I decided to start going to another Starbucks... I was not comfortable knowing they had caught on to my addiction.

3. I like to make stuff... like art stuff... I also break stuff.. but dont really like breaking stuff...

4. I carry around a big purse... and it's usually filled with rocks, and other random things I find on the ground... sometimes my purse full of rocks is super heavy...

5. My middle name is Suzanne, but not pronounced like you'd think... it's pronounced the Louisiana way.. the French way... and it bugs me when people argue that with me...

6. I have the largest key ring ever, and I can still not find my keys... ever!

7. I like painting birds and insects.... and I like the symbolism and mythology behind them, and how beautiful they are... but I don't want to touch a bird or an insect.... ewwww... so, i'm not really the "bird" person people think I am....

8. i know the lyrics to Warren G "Regulators" .... and have NO problem showing off and rapping it when ever... sometimes even out of the blue.

9. I don't know where I'm "from".... I moved my whole life... and obviously continue to..

10. my parents are from Louisiana (NOLA and BR), but I was born in Stavanger, Norway.

11. born in norway, then moved to Jakarta, and then moved to Medan (both Indonesia), then to Connecticut, then to Bakersfield, CA, then back to Stavanger, norway... then to Houston, Then to Midland (my senior year of highschool), then to Austin, then to Louisiana, Then back to houston, then to Dallas, now i'm floating... between Midland and Austin... about to move back to Austin.

12. I blog: http://ryannontheroad.blogspot.com

13. I need to update my web site but I have one: www.ryannrathbone.com

14. Sometimes I talk, and it makes a lot of sense in my own head... but doesn't make sense coming out of my mouth.

15. I hate talking on the phone

16. i love my family and friends... I have the greatest family and friends... who've helped me soooo much, especially since Carter's death.

17. I love driving on long road trips... even by myself... actually, especially by myself.

18. My favorite words to say are: giggle, and zombies!

19. I've taken my LSAT and my GRE... but have yet to really go to law school or grad school

20. I'm TERRIBLE at math! on my GRE only %5 of people scored below me on the math part (compared to %90 on the verbal and writing parts)... but in college I ROCKED statistics... I have no idea how... but statistics clicked... but simple math, and algebra and the rest just scramble my brain.

21. I have a doggie named Dylan, who is 9 and who I always thought was a weimaraner until I met a "blue lacy" which is the state dog of texas... now I'm not so sure he's a full weimaraner.... I feel like he's lied to me the last 9 years.... maybe i should return him for a REAL weimaraner.... (okay... TOTALLY kidding about the returning him part.)

22. I leave a trail of stuff behind me and don't even realize it...

23. My favorite number ever is 23

24. the last year and a half, I've only worn 3 pair of shoes... uggs, crocks and birkenstocks... all three brands that i always SWORE i'd never wear.

25. I'm obsessed with fake mustaches!

Gathering information

2009-02-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I looked at studio space here in Austin...

I loved it! The web site is pumpproject.org

My friend Anne's husband is a very talented jewelry designer, and he rents space there. His web site is limbojewelry.com,

I also met an artist who does mixed media. This is his website's link jhaleyarts.com .... Since I also like to use found objects, mixed media and found surfaces, I talked to him for a while... I really like his work... and processes... it was great to talk to him, and find out how he was getting certain effects and different processes...

Everyone there was very nice.

So... that's an option...

I also talked to a friend of Steve Collins last night... she's working on a book right now... she gave me some great advice and is going to email me a book proposal form for me to use...

I talked to her about the Big Bend book... and then I told her about the other book I want to write... pretty much a raw look at my journal entries and my art and how they both evolved during my grieving process... She strongly suggested that I work on the art/grief book first...

I'd like to, but it still seems so raw... and sometimes like it's still unfinished because I'm still in the process, sometimes it seems so far away, and yet some of the emotions are still raw... but maybe she's right...

I also met up with Rev and talked to him about getting hooked up in the marketing loop here in Austin. It's doable... and he has his other company pictureperfecteventco.com which is a full service company for events... nationwide. I'm looking forward to working with him....

So, a lot to do... more to do... I'm still at the gathering information stage... all's great though... things seem to be coming together more and more...

Chillin' at the holiday inn.....

2009-02-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

I've had a lot of dreams where a mattress played a big roll.... one time I flew out of a window on a mattress... another time I took a pic with my cell of a burning mattress to send to Kel.... So i looked up what dreaming of mattresses means....

"Mattress

To dream of a mattress, denotes that new duties and responsibilities will shortly be assumed."

Okay... so that maybe pretty accurate...

Cassie and I had a blast this weekend. It was so good to see her... We had a great time and laughed a lot! We always do... and she loves Austin so much, she's most probably likely to move here too! yay!

We also decided to tell everyone that we were gonna watch the "big basketball game" (the super bowl).... my dad thought I really didn't know that the Super Bowl wasn't basketball... I think he wanted to commit me... ha! but now he knows that it was a joke...

.... but we didn't watch it at all! We relaxed at the lakehouse, cass made dinner and her parents drove over to meet us and have dinner with us... I'll post more pics and stories later...

We spent two nights at the Intercontinental in Austin... and one night at the lakehouse.... then her flight was cancelled yesterday, because a woman on the plane had a panic attack and used 3 of the 5 oxygen tanks on the plane.... so she was put up at the Holiday Inn... "whatcha doin?" "Chillin' at the holiday innnnn...." Funny because we'd been singing that song all weekend!

So, now i'm in Austin, trying to get some networking done and getting the ball rolling on my move here...

So much to think about... so many options... I've gotta get them narrowed down....

okay... off to returning calls and emails... and every other form of communication via technology....

"Stop rhyming I mean it!" "anybody want a peanut?"

2009-01-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

So, I've been in Midland this week... I haven't really felt like blogging.

But, I've gotten a lot done... not art-wise, but more catching-up-on-correspondence-and-stuff-wise.

I leave for Austin tomorrow morning, and will pick up Cas in the afternoon... I'm so excited!

I'll try my best to blog from Austin.

Then, after she leaves Monday, I'm going to start networking, looking for job opportunities, housing possibilities... all of the above.... I just want to make sure I don't just move and lose focus on my main goals.

I wanna make art, and I wanna write... and do that as my living... those are my goals...

So, with that said... I'm going to bed... but before that (and on a COMPLETELY different subject):

Did you know that nothing rhymes with orange?! nothing in the English language.... weird...

When I Googled that, just to make sure it was true, I came across an amazing web site: Flocabulary "Hip Hop in the Classroom"....

For Realz yo!

but there are other words that have nothing that rhyme with them too (as the link will show you):

silver, purple, month, ninth, pint, wolf, opus, dangerous, marathon and discombobulate.

Of course I spent hours trying to find rhymes for each of them... in my head... and, No, I don't consider that a waste of time...

Like, Purple.... I think "verbal" kinda rhymes...

My favorite alternative rhyming example that flocabulary gives is:

discombobulate - the disco they love to hate, Crisco ovulate, risky even on a date, Sisqo's rollerblades

"sisqo's rollerblades" ?!? what!??

but I DO love "the disco they love to hate" and (this one is GENIUS) "Crisco ovulate".....

...don't worry if it makes sense... just make it rhyme every time...

G'night.... pics and updates from this austin trip soon!

crazy like an artist

2009-01-26T23:36:00.000-08:00

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

Change.

2009-01-26T01:13:00.001-08:00

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...

A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland

Yesterday

2009-01-24T14:08:00.000-08:00

Everything at The Gypsy Wagon went well yesterday. After so much freaking out, I woke up yesterday morning and finally chilled out. I had a lot to do... Go pick up prints and scans from Thomas Reprographics and prints at the other printing place... But, I finally let go of how I expected things to go... and just let things happen...

And everything went great!

Thank you so much to everyone who came out! It was so good to see everyone!

I sold a few prints... We left my work up for today... and I'll pick up some of it to bring back to Midland with me tomorrow.

Here's a piece that got a good response from, that I haven't posted on my blog before (or at least not in a long time)

Thanks so much to Carley, Johnny, Lauren and everyone else who helped and came out.

:)

I was SOOO tired last night... I was trying to make it to the Granada Theater last night... but I was so tired, I could barely stand... I came back to Sara's and slept for 15 hours... and it felt GOOD!

Trials and Errors

2009-01-22T14:42:00.000-08:00

Crazy day!

I'm in Dallas. Met with the scanner.... then the printer....

I started to freak out and tried to call Carley about tomorrow's show at The Gypsy Wagon, but couldn't get ahold of her... She was very pregnant. That's why we decided to do the show this weekend and not any later...

I couldn't get ahold of her because she had her baby today! He decided he wanted an early arrival. I'm so happy for she and her husband. I talked to them on the phone and they sound excited and great! ... I felt bad asking her about the show... and what to do, and how to price and everything.... just even bringing it up today.... She won't be able to be there tomorrow... I'm really happy for them... everything will go fine tomorrow.... (I'm trying to convince myself)

Just a little while ago, I began finishing another piece..... DISASTER!

I dropped it and it cracked.... quite a bit.... but I'm using lacquer to seal the cracks., and I'm crossing my fingers that that will work.... So I started to work on the background.... and lacquer the paper to the piece of glass I'm going to attach to the back of the other piece... I wouldn't stick! not at all! UGH!

So frustrating!

So now I've got a board and an axe on the board holding it down, so hopefully it will stick... If not, I'm taking that axe to the whole thing!

I no patience waiting for things to dry (like glue, lacquer.... even paint).... I've said this before: when I'm making art, I'm all about instant gratification.

Lacquer takes a L-O-N-G time to dry... that's why I'm inside blogging.... releasing a little frustration and taking up time, so I don't just sit there and stare at it....

I really don't want to lose this piece... I like this piece... I'm really hoping what I'm doing now will fix it.

hello.... goodnight

2009-01-21T00:24:00.000-08:00

My mind is going crazy.... I'm tired but cant sleep...

I hope I have everything together for Friday... I didn't paint today... I picked up my prints and bought some frames and worked to put some of the finishing touches on a few pieces... I still have more to do..

It's not that it's a big show... it's gonna be very laid back, just more of a preview and meet and greet... but, I'm trying to get so much done.... because after this weekend I start to look for a place to live and a job of some sort in Austin.

I also have my first solo show at the Magnolia Gallery in Dallas this summer! YAY!

so, I'd like to have some work finished for that show... because after I move (and I'm working and getting settled and adjusted and all of that fun stuff), I don't know where I'll be able to paint.... I'm thinking too far ahead.... Sometimes I've gotta just pull myself back into the present...

okay... back.

We have a new president!!! America just became a much cooler country!

Alright, goodnight!

Moth balls? no....

2009-01-20T01:15:00.000-08:00

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time

This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)

Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....

there's more...

Ahhhhh.... much better...

2009-01-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

YAY!

i've finally gotten into the "flow" and I'm making stuff that I LIKE and finishing it! wow.... it's been a long time... or at least it feels like it's been a long time since I've done that...

Today, I put the encaustics, wax and collage stuff away, and broke out the acrylic paints.... good ol' trusty acrylics....

And i finished the chandelier:

(I think it looks better in real life than this pic... but that's just my opinion)

and, on the piece that I collaged the hexagon dress patterns, I decided I wanted a moth... (I've had a love for moths since this summer in North Carolina... I like them so much better than butterflies...)... not just any moth, but one of the silk worm moths... so using these "mothels" (okay... bad joke...).... I used these moths to model my moth after:

And this is what it looked like in process:

I still have more work to do.... I'm trying to keep it somewhat transparent... using very watered down paints... but I also want it to be bright... it could take a while:

Both pieces are about 24"x24"..... so i'm also glad that I have work that's larger than I usually do...

I also am high on the feeling of accomplishment (meaning: actually finishing a piece that I like).....

And i like both pieces.... and I like them enough to where I don't really care if I'm the only person in the world who likes them... (of course I want other people to like them), but they say what I want them to say... and mean something to me... and I like them... and that feels fantastic!

I watched the first American Idol tonight... I love that show!

Another show I love is the Daily Show... This episode (before "super tuesday" in 2000) is appropriate, for several reasons:

a. this is before Bush became President... and right now he's about to become a former President

b. This is about Midland (where I am now)

c. This is about Cooties... and unless you're vaccinated (circle circle dot dot)... you may be infected ... although boys are at a higher risk for cooties than girls are....

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Cootie Scandal

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Saturday night

2009-01-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

some ideas are worth listening to.

the story about changing the one thing on a painting that your most attached to.... yeah, that works... at least I feel like it did...

i felt so much more free, and wasn't thinking or judging everything once i tried that...

the chandelier painting now has a WAYS to go.... but looks like this:

I re-painted the background, and then painted a big chandelier.... I may make it more red... not sure... I used to have a red chandelier in my old house.... Now it's the focus and not an element that's in the way... At least I'm more happy with it...

and the one that I thought I was too attached to the background.... well, I think I was most attached to the tree that was on it.... so I took that tree off and replaced it with this one:

And then I tried something new.... (I got this idea from another artist at Penland), I painted the board blue, black and off-white and then took a sewing pattern and cut it in to hexagon shapes an pasted them on with Matte Medium:

I haven't touched the painting with the girl yet.... but I feel like I'm on a roll... Everything seems much more organic, and flow-like, rather than me trying to force everything to come together.... and that wasn't working. at all.

oh yeah....

Last night, I decided I wanted to take a well-deserved break, and watch Saturday Night Live... I was looking forward to vegging out in front of the TV for an hour... I NEVER watch TV... But, instead of some hit-or-miss funny SNL, there was a 3 hour telethon instead! NOOO! This is what I was staring at in disbelief instead of SNL:

so, not cool... To quote a friend: "That's UN-American, well, kinda."

I heard it wasn't all that funny last night anyways... maybe the telethon incident was more entertaining in the long run...

back to work....

Blocked

2009-01-17T12:11:00.001-08:00

I heard a story from someone, but I don't remember from who or when (although I think it was this summer at Penland):

If you're over-attached to one element in your piece, and you're struggling with your piece, then you should get rid of, or change the thing you're overly attached to.... There was a story that went with this. And after the artist removed the element they were most attached to, the piece worked out...

I'm not sure if that's true or not... but there are a few pieces that I'm struggling with... nothing looks right, but I'm overly attached to one element of the painting....

the chandelier:

The girl:

the background:

But I'm not quite ready to get rid of those things... Maybe that means that they are the things that I most need to change...

probably... I think, by holding on to them as they are, I'm not allowing the pieces to change... and become what they're supposed to become...

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
-Anais Nin

I think I'm doing that with some of my art work...

Okay... I think I just needed to get that out of my system.... maybe now I can get some stuff done!

love/hate

2009-01-16T00:52:00.000-08:00

I did some more collaging... I really LOVE wax... but I'm really and TRULY starting to HATE wax... so sticky..... too gratifying, too instantly.... too sticky... too messy... too much fun... too easy.... too hard... too time consuming... too cloudy.... uh! love/hate.

The printing place called me... they printed a test strip of a small collage I did in December... It looked good.

They also showed me the scans, they also looked good...

I'm looking forward to seeing what it all looks like... when it's done...

I don't feel like writing much.... so I'll post pics of what I've done, what I'm working on... I'm not %100 happy with my work right now... but, I'm very happy that I'm making work....

So, with that said:

Here are the red trees:

and a close up of each:

So, i added the moon cycle.... but now, I wanna just keep the background of this piece and start over... I doubt it though.... but, I do think this is the MAJOR issue when you become so attached to one part of a piece that you can't let go enough to let it become the best it can:

This is just an idea... i printed out some images (on tissue paper, so everything but the ink will disappear....

A very encaustic background (done the same way the owl from a while ago was done)...

now I'm trying to figure out what to do with it/put on it... here are some of my ideas:

I added a TON of medium to the clover collage background... now I can carve into it and collage on it...

And, last, I transferred this pattern to board.... but I'm still working on taking the paper off of the back... that always takes SOOO long!

My horseback riding lesson was cancelled today... the wind chill here in Midland didn't get above 30 degrees... I was kinda glad it was cancelled.... I wasn't looking forward to freezing my butt off!

okie dokie.... about to fall asleep typing... g'nite!

Learning marketing, the cyber-savvy way

2009-01-14T22:27:00.001-08:00

I thought I knew marketing... I thought I knew networking.... I thought I understood the online world of both.... Then, today, I met Damien Franco... His blog is www.yourphototips.com... and he totally schooled me!

I wish I'd had taken notes the whole time... I learned so much from him... from Flickr groups, to tags, to linking to someone's site so that they link back to yours... So much information that my head is still spinning! I was basically in awe, sitting there like, "teach me your ways, wise one." Thank you so much Damien! I'm looking forward to meeting up with him and his wife this weekend!

I'm tired or I'd have checked out some of the web sites he referred me to... and would write a lot more... but, (like I said) I'm tired... so I will later...

I did check out Blurb.com today... I'm gonna try to put a portfolio/book together... but my scans aren't ready yet... hopefully they'll be done tomorrow.

I did go to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff to collage with... even though it's really cool stuff, I kinda wanna kick myself for adding more options for me to use... I should just work with the stuff I already have... But the new stuff is SOOO cool! And on SALE!
I bought this bag of fall stuff, with leaves:

and Squirrels! SQUIRRELS!

The leaves may or may not go on that piece... the squirrels definitely won't ... I just wanted to check out all of the fun new crap I bought!

I also moved the moth and doily aside and tried this on the clover background:

And I bought WHITE india ink! I wanted to use it to brighten up that collage piece that has been fighting me.... and it worked... except for I accidentally put too much on the angel's face and erased it's features. I'll have to go back in and fix that:

A lot of just trial and error... and moving things around...

Oh! and I've had these gold frames for a while... (two of them) and in the same bag with the squirrels and leaves there were two trees.. Just an idea:

Okay... I'm really tired... going riding again tomorrow... and then I'm going to checkout all the websites and info I learned... Maybe I'll even start to use Flickr the right way!

My not-so-"elegant" creative process

2009-01-13T23:30:00.001-08:00

I stayed up too late last night... My time schedule is OFF...

I wish I was a morning person... I've always wanted to be a morning person... but I'm not. I've never been one. Actually, I've been known to be such an awful morning (or just waking up) person, that my siblings won't even try to wake me up...

I'm a night person... I'm more creative at night... I work better in the late afternoon and on... I don't know why... It's just how I am.

I went horseback riding this afternoon... luckily, I wasn't the only one who was out-of-shape... The horse I rode, Molly, had been taking it easy over the holidays too... We were quite a pair.... lazy horse meets out-of-shape rider (me).... I'm going again on Thursday... maybe we'll both be better by then.

I took 7 of my new paintings to Reynolds Brothers (a reprographics place in Midland), they were very nice.... I'm having one of each piece printed on canvas... I'm not sure how the encaustics are going to look printed... but I can always paint on the canvas too.

Then I did a little shopping: vellum, india ink (which works on wax- much better than black acrylic paint), iron-on paper for t-shirts (I can put the sheets in my printer)..... I'm not sure if the iron-ons will work when I try to iron them on wax... but it can't hurt to try... I also bought some fantastic new colors of Sharpies that I've never seen before!

I'm a little sad that I'm so excited that Sharpie has new colors, like Pomegranate and Earl Grey... but I'm very excited!

Then I went home and went to work.... I mainly worked on that one collage that I couldn't stand yesterday..... after many different tries with different ideas, this is what it looks like now:

There is too much of the wax medium on it... so it looks cloudy in places... and I'm going to add white in areas to brighten it up.... but i'm starting to like it a lot better.

I pretty much only worked on that piece...

But I moved the moth (that I love SO much) around some more. I also seem to really like that doily too... I don't know why though, I think it's ugly. Maybe the moth likes it!.... the chandelier, doily and the moth are just placed on this background... It's how I try an idea before I commit to putting them on the background... I like to move stuff around to see what it could look like:

and then I played with this piece a bit too... I LOVE the background and the tree (I maybe a little too attached to them), but I placed a sparrow drawing I did last year, and a butterfly on it...

and then I thought, it might be cool to do something with the moon cycle.... I'd cut out the moons, of course.....

That's how I work... I place things, and then stare at them forever, then change my mind... and then place something else and stare at it, and then change my mind.... i wish I had a more "elegant" technique... but, alas.... i don't....

I'm working on moving to Austin... more opportunities for me there... and it's close to Dallas, still close to family, and I have friends there... After I get all this stuff done for The Gypsy Wagon show on the 23rd, I'll work on it more... but I did send out my resume today... I want to write... or get back in contract work and field marketing for a bit, so I can still work on my art and writing.

productivity and a new pink camera = happiness!

2009-01-12T23:39:00.000-08:00

I was so productive today!

I think, by letting some pressure out of my head, and into my planner, and blog, and journal, I feel sooo much better!

One thing I did that makes me REALLY happy: I returned that Canon-Elph-whatever-crap camera and bought a Sony Cybershot! It was the second time I've been to BestBuy and tried to return it... they all remembered me. They asked me what was wrong with it... I told them "everything! I hate everything about it!"... of course they were shocked... (news to me but:) It seems that NO ONE (except me) hates Canons... They said it was my fault... It could be, I'm not good at following directions... or reading them... but I exchanged it anyway... and I love my new camera! The pics I've taken look awesome! plus it's pink! Who doesn't love a pink camera?!?

I found a reprographics place in Midland (Reynolds Brothers) ... I talked to them on the phone and I'm gonna go and check it out tomorrow...

I also bought a griddle and a small blow torch..... as well as some paraffin wax.... So, I'm back to encaustic painting... for real!
Paraffin wax cleans the colored wax off of brushes... but I've also noticed that it thins the medium even more, making the wax more like paint... and it's good for delicate things like leaves and butterfly wings, without making them too waxy.... and cloudy...

I've even started to make my usual encaustic studio mess!

I also start riding horses again tomorrow... maybe I'll bring my new fancy camera and get some pics!

So, i pulled out all of the work that I think is done... and some of the stuff I'm still working on... and some that I shouldn't keep working on but can't help myself....

This little owl is on cardboard... he's about a 5x7... I'm gonna use him.. I like him more and more...

The background of this piece, I started before I left for North Carolina last May... I tried (and failed) to do some stuff with resin... but today, I added the other stuff on top.... It's not done... I'm not sure if I like it at all... Cas suggested that I add a moon... which I'll try tomorrow...

This was another "Bird and Key".... but it was bugging me... So I've been trying to get crafty with it... I found this moth... I LOVE this moth... and on this color background... the moth and doily are just placed on top.... not attached yet... just an option that I'm considering...

I've been working on this piece with the chandelier for a YEAR now... I added the black wash over the whole piece and have been staring at it for months... today, I painted the chandelier in a light wash of a bright red...

People who know me well, know that I can't stand being told what I can and can't do... It's not that I try to be rebellious... I just have to find out for myself... and a lot of the time, that means "the hard way".... well... In our encaustic class, I was told, "you can't paint acrylic over oil paint"... well... I had done that... It TOTALLY sucked and was REALLY difficult.... but I had done it (once)... We were also told, you can't paint acrylic over wax... well, today, I broke that rule and had to try it out... and so far so good... I'm really pleased with the result...

This is a painting I'd been working on for a while... I decided the heart needed a heart shape around it in string... then I added the flames/triangles/points around the right side... and then I used black acrylic paint *gasp!*, on the inside of the heart.... to make it pop a bit.... that worked so well, that I used the same paint on the bird in areas...

The only thing that is bugging me about this piece is the wax looks so cloudy... and dulls the black and the pattern... but overall I'm happy with it... and I'm glad I don't always believe what people tell me!

I'm not sure what people are going to think of my new work... it's different than what I was doing before.... much more collage, and experimentation... i may go back to acrylics at some point... they're predictable and easy to add on top of... but maybe I wont... But I think I will... at least more than I'm using them now...

new (to me) funny things...

2009-01-11T21:13:00.001-08:00

I started to feel a bit less crazy later today... I worked on a few things... unfortunately nothing that I'm proud of yet... and nothing that I'd like to post online either...

I think I probably already have enough work together for the show at The Gypsy Wagon on Jan 23rd.... So, this week, I'll work on getting those things finished scanned and printed... Not as much about MAKING work... more about finishing the work that's so close to already being finished...

that takes a lot of pressure off of me almost instantly...

So with that said... here are a few of my new favorite things:

and then:

Freak out

2009-01-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

So... Jumping in sounded so easy... way easier than it was...

Actually, yesterday I spent all day just staring... blocked... creatively constipated... not knowing where or what to start on... just literally staring.... I wrote a lot... but art-wise: nada.

Carley at The Gypsy Wagon, in Dallas, is throwing a laid back show with my work on the 23rd of this month... I called her yesterday having a real "artist" crisis... Not knowing if I should do it... what if all my work sucks.... or if there's not enough work there... or not enough time... HELP ME!

She talked me down from my own pity party... and we're still going to do it... I'd like to get note cards made... I need to get more prints made as well... the only thing is, I had to pick up some of the last prints from her because the colors were off... and the printer is in Dallas... and I don't know how to tell them what the colors should and shouldn't look like... So I need to find a place to scan in my work, here in Midland... this week... and then I need to figure out the printing situation.... AAAAAAAAAH!!!!

I also thought it would be cool (and I could do this myself -- i think) to take some of my photographs that I've digitally altered and show them as well... I also have to figure out framing of my pieces... I'm freaking out... this is a lot to do... no wonder I'm blocked...

I jumped in... "no floaties" ... but then felt like I was drowning... and I think I was... if you can't swim, use floaties...

I've been a hermit, upstairs, away from my studio all day today... I'm sure my parents are worried about me... but I really need today to sort out my brain... plan... I need some space to be able to figure out what I: a. HAVE to do, b. WOULD like to do, c. CAN do...

Okay... that's my freak out... blah.....

Jumping In...

2009-01-10T12:45:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes you just have to jump in without your floaties!" I overheard a little girl say on the Disney Channel this morning... It was supposed to be the heart-warming scene from one of the million sequels to one of the many movies where a big fluffy dog saves the day, and then his family saves him.... or something....

Well.... I need to jump back into my art without "my floaties"... I'm back in Midland, and I want to get back to work... I want to make stuff and finish stuff... but I feel blocked... I don't know where to start, and I get anxious that I'm gonna make a mistake..

I think, by using Photoshop and Illustrator and other computer programs over the years to make collages and art, I've gotten really used to the "UNDO" feature.... or going back in history and changing the image back to how it was...

But, *sigh*, in art (without computers) and life, there is no "undo" button... I just have to put something down, and see how the medium reacts and then respond... Basically, not expecting anything, but responding to each layer, and watching the piece come together, instead of trying to make it a certain way.

This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday:

I just need to put it down and respond. The ideas of things do me no good just rolling around in my head, unless I try them and put them down. They don't all have to be perfect... There's no magic pill.... Just got another idea --pill, angels, light--... I just need to take the stuff I've got and use it... stop worrying about the end result

So, I'm jumping in... No floaties! I've got one collage I'm working on... it's from a picture I took in Terlingua and played with in Photoshop, and then I printed it on tissue paper.... and hot wax collaged it on to a page from an old Encyclopedia of Animals page on Condors... I burned the background paper a bit with my heat gun while I was trying to get the wax even.... looks cool... smelled BAD!

Goin' all blogsta...

2009-01-07T12:47:00.000-08:00

I was humbled over the holidays, once again....

I tried to tell "my" snoop dogg joke (not mine but the only one I can ever remember...) and twice (or thrice... or more) everyone already knew the punch line... and knew more snoop jokes than mine.... my ol' joke was all played out!

just incase you haven't heard me tell it (which if you've ever been around me you've heard it a million times):

Q: Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

A: Fo drizzle!

So I learned that there are way more snoop jokes than I could ever imagine... I decided to google search them... I have a lot more now... but I also got much more of a laugh from reading the message boards... stuff like: Yo yo, listen up, don't mess wit snoop the Godfatha, [insert gang name here] fo life yo... shout out to my homiez... So that's paraphrasing.... big time... but I laughed a lot reading it... especially reading some of the responses out loud...

So now I got tons of Snoop jokes (some good some bad)... and I'll be telling them over and over.... until they're all played out... fo shizzle!

I went to see the Curious Case of Benjamin Button last night... It was LONG.... but it kept my attention.... I'm not sure how good I thought it was... still a bit confizzled about that.... I think I get annoyed when actors play old, sick or someone with a mental disability.... like Brad Pitt playing the young Benjamin in the old body, or Cate Blanchet playing the dying old woman, who talks the whole movie... and you can never understand what she says... but I guess if you play a role like that it's a for sure academy award nomination.... maybe I'm being too cynical about it... who knows..

I did buy an AMAZING book called "Signs & Symbols"... it has every kind of sign and symbol.... even hobo signs and emoticons!

i bought it because I am always telling a story with my art... and I can use different symbols as my language and method of communication...

I'm about to head back to Midland.... and I really need to get back to holing up and just cranking out work...

Resolutions

2009-01-04T16:19:00.000-08:00

So, it's January... and 2009... I don't think either of those two things have registered to me yet. It feels like December, and I know if I had to write the date on anything I'd write 2008.

That was my "new year's resolution": to stop writing '08 and start writing '09. I guess that's not exactly aiming high...

...but I really do have some new year's resolutions:

I bought a 2009 weekly planner... I've been carrying it around in my purse, but have yet to open it or write in it. But, I think (just by osmosis maybe) I'm becoming a better planner already!

My new planner (If I choose to use it) will help with my other resolutions... like figuring out where to go next, where I'll move, planning art shows and finishing the book on Big Bend I'm working on with Justin Voight.

We had a wonderful New Year's at the lakehouse with family and friends... lot's of sing-a-longs.... everyone had a blast (I know I'm speaking for everyone... but I think it's true).

Later this week I'll be back in Midland and getting to work on making some more work and finishing the pieces I already have almost done...

I went to an art gallery the other day, and there were a few pieces there that reminded me of my work... I noticed that the artist used these boards that are like boxes... I forget what they're called... but some women in my encaustic class at Penland used them as well... if I start to paint on those, I wouldn't have to worry about presentation and framing... I need to go ahead and buy some; splurge a bit, instead of scavenging for wood scraps and stuff in friends' and family's garages...

Indian feast

2008-12-29T12:48:00.000-08:00

Last night, kel cooked a delicious Indian feast!

My favorite was the coconut chutney she made... and she said she had to "wing it"... It was sooo delicious...

Indian food is probably my favorite food on the planet... I don't share my Chicken Tikka Masala well... at all... I LOVE all kinds of Indian food... yum! (now I'm hungry again).

We wore our saris kel brought back...

The sari (or saree ... i'm not sure how to spell it) is 6 meters of fabric! Which is 19.5 ft of fabric!!! that is a lot of fabric! Under the Sari, you wear a long skirt and a belly shirt... and then you take all 6 meters of fabric and start wrapping... and then folding and tucking and wrapping and folding and tucking again... Indian women do this with no problem... even using one hand for the folds...

kelly learned how in India, but then needed a refresher course, and B's friend's mother is Indian, and showed Kel again...

The saris kel brought back are beautiful... I wish I could wear a sari and bindi everyday! I told kel that some one should invent a sari that's already got all of the folds that you could slip on...

At the end of the night, I tried to fold it to hang it... and I got my dad to help me.. and it took us two tries to fold it!

Kelly did henna....

and then we ate and they narrated their pictures from the trip....

Kelly and Matt were in Mumbai, but left before the attacks... and stayed in a different part of India until the attacks stopped and things were more under control, before going back to Mumbai and then flying back to the states... that was a scary time..

We had a great night last night... I drank wine... and didn't even have a panic attack... so hopefully I'm done with those!

I'm not sure if we're leaving for the lakehouse today or tomorrow... we'll spend NYE there, together...

more holidaze...

2008-12-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Doggie Christmas! Jake (top) and Dylan (bottom) loved their Christmas presents... Jake's didn't last very long... Dylan fell asleep under the table guarding his!

So we've all been together since the 23rd... When I flew in from Hawaii... and Kel flew in from Maine... talk about the opposite sides of the US... probably as opposite as you can get...

We all went to Christmas Eve service together, and sang hymns at church.... J and Dad were having a sing-off on one side of the pew.... and on the other side, Grandma was unintentionally cracking Kel and me up.... it was classic and awesome...

I got home and wrapped gifts... our dad is the gift wrapping master! I mean, he has it down to a science... probably because he's an engineer.... My gifts look more like I wrapped them wearing a blindfold... but they're meant to be opened anyways...

We open gifts on Christmas morning:

My gifts were all from my trip to Kauai: I gave Dad and J each Hawaiian shirts, and gave mom, kel, and B pearls. I gave Grandma a Hot Men of Hawaii 2009 Calendar.... She ooh-ed and aw-ed looking through each month... She liked February's "Carlos" the best.... When mom suggested she re-gift the calendar, she replied, "Just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look!"

She cracks us up... The Hot Men of Hawaii calendar, was actually to replace her 2008 "hot firemen" calendar that's in her kitchen now.

Kelly brought back gifts from her trip to India: J and Dad got the white outfits the men wear (I don't know what they're called), and Saris for me and B.

Me in all of my X-mas Bling:

It's been great being all together... I've had two weird nights though.... last night, and Christmas night, I woke up in the middle of the night with panic attacks... I don't know why either...

The first time it happened, I thought it may have been bad dreams... Poor kel was sharing the upstairs bed with me, and she said I was kicking her in my sleep, before I woke up. Last night, she was sleeping downstairs... but I was awake for 3 hours with a panic attack.... I knew what it was... so I was able to calm myself, but my pulse was thumping hard in everyplace that you can usually feel a pulse: fingers, wrists, neck, chest, stomach, even my legs and feet.

I don't know what it is... maybe it's dietary... I have been eating non-stop... I've decided to try to watch what I'm eating and not drink alcohol for a few days...

I missed church with the family today... J and his friend performed "Little Drummer Boy" David Bowie and Bing Crosby style... (I have to admit until just now, I thought it was "ben" not "bing"... oops):

Tonight, kel is cooking Indian and people are coming over, we are going to wear our Saris and she and Matt are going to show us pics from their trip....

Holidaze

2008-12-27T21:38:00.000-08:00

It's been a wonderful christmas back in TX with my fam!

We're all together.... and that's really nice!

i've been busy, and still recovering from traveling.... it seems like I usually need a day or two of rest to recover... maybe it's 'cause I'm getting older?

anyhoo....

I'll write more later....

love and aloha

Part 2: Monday

2008-12-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

Monday, we woke up really early and drove to go on our helicopter tour.

The tour company we went with is called Inter Island (that's also the link to their site).... the locals said they are the best. They take you inside the crater and into the jungle and land near a waterfall for lunch... The tour is from 9:30 to noon... it's expensive, but %100 worth it!

I have been a lot of places, and done a lot of things... but this helicopter tour of Kauai was probably the most amazing experience I've ever had. I was completely speechless.... I still kind of am....

Have you ever had a flying dream? I do... and have.... the whole ride gave me deja vu....

We started out flying over the sugar cane fields... and then up toward the canyon.... all of a sudden we were in the canyon... It's so massive and so incredibly beautiful... the whole time, i sat there with my jaw in my lap, in awe of how absolutely incredible Kauai is... and everything is....

here are some of our pictures from the helicopter... (since I have no words... I'll just post some pics)

there are no doors on the helicopter.... and I was sitting on the far right... so my right side was so cold!

There was a couple from Minnesota who were with us... The helicopter only seats 5. I asked the Captain what his name was, he replied, "CAPT.!" ....okay... he was a trip. He kept telling us about the "dope-growing hippies" and how he busts them.... or flies really low over the "dope fields" to freak them out.... and that's why the helicopter has a shark face painted on it....

Was that true? I don't know... He was funny, or at least I thought he was trying to be funny... but now, I'm not sure...

He also told us about movies that were filmed on the Island... like the movie Tropic Thunder (with Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr...)... When we landed in the jungle and followed him to the waterfall, I felt like I was in that movie... pretty funny.

The waterfall was so beautiful, that it seemed fake... like a movie set... We brought our swimsuits so we could swim, but the thought of getting back in the helicopter, wet and cold didn't sound fun.... so we just sat there and took it all in...

Capt. told us more stories of people skinny dipping and honeymooning couples doing more than that, in the waterfall... and how he would just go back and wait for them by the helicopter...

He took us around the whole island, into craters and by waterfalls... like the one used in Jurassic Park...

I can't even put into words how beautiful it was.... Kauai may be the most beautiful place on earth... and to see it flying around in a helicopter.... wow. that's all I can say is wow....

It makes me want to learn how to fly a helicopter... and become a pilot. There is so much freedom in a helicopter.... you can fly low, or high, take sharp turns, change direction in a second and land on a spot.... just like when I fly in my dreams.

I wasn't scared until we took off.. and I got a little scared, but then I wasn't scared as much as I was speechless and in awe... it seemed so surreal...

After our helicopter tour, we went to Glass Beach... There used to be a dump there, so the sand is really old pieces of glass that has been tumbled... I collected a bottle of the glass "sand" to bring back (maybe art project???)...

And bek found her rainbow!

That night we went to the airport... and flew out of Lihu'e at 9:45pm...

What an amazing trip! i had an incredible experience.... beaches, mountains... roosters EVERYWHERE (that cockadoodledoo at all of the wrong times), the helicopter ride, the canyon, camping, meeting new people, kayaking, hiking... WOW! Bek was a fantastic travel buddy! thank you thank you thank you for inviting me on this trip.... It was an experience that I'll never forget!

Here are some random images from our trip that I thought I'd include:

um... i felt like a whale when I ate... watch for me!

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

Strange and scary combo....and there were more than one of this restaurant... so it's a chain! I have to say, we never tried it:

The time is always: NOW!

Part 1: Sunday

2008-12-24T12:20:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, Bekki and I left Anahole and did some last minute gift shopping in Kapa'a (where The Olympic Cafe is)....

and drove to meet Jakki and crew at the cabins that were rented up in Keoke'e State Park, for the winter solstice.

The drive up into the Waimea Canyon is beautiful... the first turn is by the beach, and then the rest of the drive is straight UP and very windy, with twists and turns and back-and-forth..... like driving in the mountains in North Carolina... The further up we got, the chillier it was... and the less it seemed like Hawaii... It is the most beautiful drive...

When we got to the cabin, Bek was so hungry, I thought she might take out one of the roosters (with the car) and eat it, right there!

We finally made it to the cabin, and Jakki, Nancy, Adam and David were playing dominos... So we played a game with them... Jakki and Nancy had decorated the cabin, with Christmas lights and brought so much stuff up there to make it home-y...

After our game, we all piled in the car to drive up to see the sunset....

It was AMAZING... you could see the mountains, the canyon and the ocean.

At that point it got dark, and started to get a LOT colder.... Jakki laughed when we first arrived in Hawaii and I was carrying my winter coat.... but, to my surprise, I used it! It was really cold.

Bekki took a nap while the rest of us went to check out a party at another cabin, where friends of theirs were.... Everyone was really nice, and there were a lot of artists there.... it was fun to talk to everyone, and see where they were from, and what brought them to Kauai...

There was a couple there who grew their own lilekoi (passion fruit) and had different types with them... Nancy and I tried three different kinds... one was normal... one was "limey" (like normal, but squeezed with lime) and the other, they called "sherbert" i thought was "coconutty".... then Nancy sang, "you put the lime in the coconut...." The lillekoi was delicious... but when you scooped it with a spoon....and if your didn't know what it was ... well, it looks like .... fish eggs or eyeballs... but it's delicious.

Then we went back to the cabin, to get Bek up and sing her happy birthday and have "dora the explorer" birthday cake.

We also tried to get the fire going for forever... but all of the wood was wet... so it took a long time...

I had a hard time believing I was still in Kauai... The stars were so amazing and beautiful... I don't think I've ever seen stars like that... Nancy and I saw the most amazing shooting star!

the last two days...

2008-12-22T20:18:00.000-08:00

the last two days here in Kauai have been incredible....

so amazing.... I can't wait to write about it and share pics and stories with everyone... right now, we're packing up.... quick fast and in a hurry.... to get to the airport to return the rental car... and then we fly out tonight.. so I'll have to write it later....

"Whale Tale"

2008-12-21T04:51:00.001-08:00

I have some of our pictures from our "Whale Tale" adventures yesterday.... it look a while to get all of the dried sea salt off of my skin... and as for the boat ride tour... all I can say is: Mahalo Bomine!

Originally, we were supposed to go to up to the Waimea Canyon in KokeeKokee today and stay until Monday... but we leave Monday night, and we've felt like we've been on-the-go with no downtime, since we've been here... we haven't been able to do all of the dorky touristy stuff that we were jonesing for. So, we decided to delay meeting Jakki and her friends up there until tomorrow... There is a cabin they've rented for the winter solstice.... but it's cold there... (well, normal-fluctuating-Dallas-temperature "cold")...

Today, we planned to try and sneak into the Mariott hotel pool and beach... but we never made it that far...

We started out at Small Town Coffee, for breakfast and a much needed caffeine jolt... then, the tattoo pang hit Bek... so we went by Little Tsunami Tattoo... there is a tattoo artist there, Acacia (who could be Maggie Gyllenhaal's twin), who was VERY highly recommended... so we went by there to see if there was anyway Bek could get in to see her.

She was booked... and had been (yes, she's THAT good).... so, we went and got very touristy drinks... I had a fresh cracked coconut with a straw and a little umbrella in it,

and then we walked up and down a beach on the west side... I picked up some interesting coral that had been washed on shore... that was before we drove to another tattoo place, but got a really bad/creepy vibe... So, after much pleading with Tsunami Tattoo, Bek got an appointment with Acacia...

We went to a couple of places to shop for Christmas presents... and trinkets... and *gasp* postcards! I have been sending postcards from here like crazy... of course, I doubt anyone will get them until after I get back, but I hope it's still: "the thought that counts"... right!?!

We went to go eat at Shaka Tacos... OMG! sooooo delicious! (seriously.... I will crave them for the rest of my life)... and then went to the tattoo place..

What I loved about the tattoo place, was it was so homey... there are nice couches and a found object/collage artist who is showing in the store..... and the library of books on the bookshelf were so... "me"; Books about symbolism and mythology, birds, religions, iconography... and art.

Bek had been so inspired by our whale watching trip that she wanted to get a tail of a humpback whale on the back of her neck, with seven sunbeams...

Whales are hard to photograph with a crappy disposable waterproof camera... but if you look at this pic... you can kinda see one... the dark thing sticking out of the water...

I have to admit, I was actually considering one too... not the same tattoo, but a different one. And, I will say: if I ever get a tattoo, I'd want it done by Acacia... A lot of tattoo artists are so typical: stylized and masculine.. and their portfolios are full of scary skulls with eyeballs hanging out... and other disturbing images... the kind of images that are easily found on most any tattoo shop's wall of "fame" ... But this tattoo artist has a different style... it's feminine, but not girly. Her lines are precise and her use of color is more art than "tattoo art." Her style is very.. well... (for lack of a better term) organic...

She drew out Beks tattoo in no time. And it was exactly what she had pictured in her head... but better! ... the tattoo (i could tell) HURT... ouch! But it looks great, and she's excited about it... and it's something unique and artistic...

maybe one day, i'll get one... when I'm 60 (I know... I just added another decade)....

Tomorrow we drive up to Kokee... and then Monday we have a helicopter tour of Kauai... and then we leave late Monday night...

i wont be able to blog tomorrow night... but I will on monday.. promise.

NO BANANAS!

2008-12-20T01:58:00.000-08:00

We saw WHALES!

yes it's true... (but no pics because, we were told not to bring cameras because they would get wet.)

About 9 or 10 years ago, my aunt and I went on a trip to northern California together.... at one point, we hiked out to the beach, hoping to see whales... and we saw one...

or at least we thought we did... we took an entire "Fun Saver" worth of pics, of what we thought was a whale.... then we realized, it was a rock. oops.

But today, we went on our whaling adventure...

Last week, when Bek was reserving our trip, the tour people told her, "we provide the drinks and the poo poos."

"poo poo???"

turns out, "poo poo" in Hawaiian means "snack"...

but we haven't stopped laughing about it since...

Before we left Dallas, Bek's mom gave us snacks she made to bring Jakki... not realizing that the long plane ride would not provide food, or snacks... and only would take cash (of which we had none.... - - DAMN YOU UNITED!!!), we were starving... and when we got off the plane, we both felt horrible about eating all of her sister's poo poos.... :(

So, we drove to the tour this morning... on empty stomachs (because we knew they provided the poo poos) and boarded our boat... The waves were SOOOO big.... I HEART Bomine... without it, I think we'd both have been completely sick.... It was ridiculously rough out there...

The last of the seven "rules" on the rule board was "NO BANANAS"... It's a sailing superstition... or a Hawaiian one ... or both... I'm not sure... but I thought it was funny.

there was no snorkeling... because of all the rain Kauai has gotten over the last month, the rivers drain out into the ocean, and make it really murky... and the rivers also washing out lots of snacks ( or poo poos) for "the big eaters" .... they wouldn't actually say what the "eaters" were... but finally said: "you know, the star of 'Jaws'" ....

SHARKS?!? and REALLY big sharks?! no thanks... we'll stay on the boat...

but we did see the beautiful Kauai coastline... it's were a lot of movies have been filmed: like , Jurassic Park, King Kong... an Indiana Jones movie, and a bunch more that i can't remember...

Then we saw WHALES! humpback whales.. first their blow spouts... then a big ol' whale tail... then lots of whales breaching.... Like the Pacific Life commercial was happening... except for in front of us! ...

the boat was SOOOOO rocky... everyone on the boat got soaking wet at one point or another... we were no exception!

We got back, showered... rested for 30 mins and went up to Olympic Cafe.... yum....

so much for the "Hawaii Diet" ... ha! that was last week's joke, but I thought I'd use it again...

Muddy trip.

2008-12-18T22:33:00.000-08:00

I'm exhausted.

We just got back from kayaking up the Wailua River and hiking to Secret Falls and back.... We couldn't bring our cameras, because it's so wet and muddy... with Jakki as our guide, we kayaked about 2 1/2 miles up the river... and then we hiked for several miles from there to the waterfall...

It was EXTREMELY wet and muddy.... since it's rained so much in the last month... it rained on us little bit during our adventure... but not bad.... but the trail was SO muddy and SO slippery.... I ended up taking off my shoes and walking the majority of it barefoot.... I slipped and fell twice and was COVERED in mud....

I think Bek and I both fell... It was a really beautiful waterfall.... and there was way too much water coming down for us to swim around it.... it was raging.... but we made it.... and turned around and hiked and then kayaked back.... It was a fun trip.... definitely an adventure.... a very muddy and tiring adventure.... but i like getting dirty.... it makes it more fun!

We are getting up early tomorrow to go whale watching.... I'm really looking forward to getting some sleep.... i wish I had pics from today.... but with all of the water and mud, I'm glad no cameras were ruined!

OOTTAT oh no!

2008-12-18T02:03:00.000-08:00

("OOTTAT" is because of what it looks like from inside a tattoo place... see pic below)

I was so tired this morning... I decided to sleep in, rather than hike.

It's been raining here... a lot. But it's still so beautiful. Everything is so green and the mountains, cliffs and beaches are amazing...

Bekki's sister's restaurant is called Olympic Cafe. This morning, after they went on the hike (which was very wet and muddy, and early), they brought me back breakfast. The syrup for the pancakes was coconut syrup.... OMG! SO good! I ate a HUGE pancake, just because of the syrup! So much for my "Hawaii Dieting".... After that, high on carbs... I did a face-plant on the bed and snoozed a bit longer....

We woke up later and drove our convertible, white (very touristy) rented car, to the north shore of the island, to Hanalei. There is a great little shopping center there, and an incredible beach.

Bekki has wanted to get a tattoo here... I have to admit: I've been thinking about getting a tattoo... for a long time. But, I've never gone through with it. A few years ago, I decided that I'd get a tattoo on my 40th birthday... but then, I freaked out, and thought that was TOO soon... and then decided I'd get a tattoo on my 50th birthday.

But then, 6 months ago, I changed my mind.... I wanted one sooner. I thought about it... and decided I wanted to get, "This Too Shall Pass" but in Hebrew.... but then I googled it online, and found a forum where someone had written "if you like it so much, why would you get it in another language, why not English?"

Good point.

So I thought about getting it in English, so I drew it out.... except for I wrote "this to shall pass".... i was horrified when I realized my grammatical error... and decided it was a sign that I shouldn't get it at all! But then... well.... that thought passed....

on the drive to Maine, I told kel, and she wanted me to go to a tattoo shop in Asheville.... The thought of actually getting one made me nauseous... and the name of the place, "Forever Tattoo," also didn't seem to fit in with my concept for the tattoo... So, I was SOOOO relieved when we got there and it was closed...

Well, nether Bekki or I got a tattoo today.... I think I'll wait until the thought of getting one doesn't make me nauseated...

After we toured the shopping center... we walked on the beach.... it is so gorgeous here... it truly is... sometimes I have to remind myself: Can I even believe I'm in Kauai?!

Jakki is so great! In the room we're staying in, there is a Christmas Palm Tree with lights and everything... there were a bunch of wrapped presents under the tree.... she got them for Bekki and me... fun Hawaii stuff.... I'd really like to get/do something nice for her for being such a wonderful host!

"Not a Punk, not a Skunk, just a Monk"

2008-12-17T00:27:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in Kauai!

This morning, Bekki and I flew out of Dallas... it was icy... and snowing! Not the kind of weather that is typical in Dallas until January or February... we were FREEZING! We were both so surprised that the flight was on time....

but it was.... and we made it on time.

Our first flight was to LA.... and then we had a small amount of time in LA to walk from the American terminal to the United terminal... On the way to the terminal, a man stopped and asked us if we spoke English.... He was surprised that we were from Texas.... turns out that our coats and scarfs made him think we were European....

He was a Krishna monk.... like he said (word for word), "I'm not a punk, not a skunk, just a monk."

He gave us a copy of the Bhagvad-Gita and The Science of Self-Realization... On our flight to Lihue, I opened the "Self-Realization" book, and the first sentence of the Introduction made me laugh so hard..... I HAD to show it to Bek.... then we both were cracking up.... The first sentence is (seriously): "'Who is Srila Prabhupada?', people often ask..."

I'm sorry... but I've never known anyone who's asked, "so, Ryann, who is Srila Prabhupada?"... i'm still kinda laughing... (on the inside)...

Then I turned to a chapter where they talk about how horrible eating meat is ... and that eating cow is even worse... because you drink cows' milk (although, I prefer soy), and so the cow is like your mother.... so you're eating your mother... and if you do that, then you'll come back as a tiger or wolf in your next life... so you can eat all of the cow (mother) you want...

Of course, I'm paraphrasing.... well, more than paraphrasing.... and I'm sure the book has a lot of useful spiritual information in it... but, that made me put it down... and take a nap...

The even funnier thing is, Bek is a vegetarian.... or WAS a vegetarian... for 14 years!!! until, 2 weeks ago.... as soon as we booked this trip to Hawaii, I went on my "hawaii diet".... that same day I got a text from her saying, "I just went to taco bell... ate beef fajita tacos, then two sausage egg tacos, a kids meal cheeseburger from sonic and pot roast... I'm so confused!"

Turns out, after 14 years of no meat... and NEVER wanting meat, she woke up one day, and HAD to have meat... and a LOT of meat... and she hasn't stopped! She's still very confused.... she went from saying (in disgust) "you're gonna eat a cold, wet, dead animal?!?" to splitting a turkey wrap with me on the plane... and a chopped beef sopa with me here in Kauai.

We flew into Kauai at night.. we caught a glimpse of the amazing island cliffs from the plane....

and then her sister, met us at the airport, and brought us beautiful flower leis...

I'm exhausted... so is she... we are waking up at 6 am tomorrow to go on a hike with her sister, Jakki... her house is amazing. I can't wait to see what Kauai looks like during the daytime...

i got a new camera... but my cd player on my mac is not working and I may have to install the software... in that case, I'm screwed... and it won't be easy for me to upload pics....

waitin for a plane

2008-12-15T11:21:00.000-08:00

My flight is delayed. But only an hour late, and my flight to Dallas is only an hour.

I managed to get all of my laundry and packing done. I always worry I'm overpacking. I hate it when I only wear %10 of what I pack.

So lately I underpack. But I feel like I've been wearing the same clothes for 6 months now... Maybe longer than that... The same clothes for a year.

I always said I'd never buy or wear uggs, crocks, or birkenstocks... It's funny that those are the 3 pairs of shoes I've lived in for a year.

Sitting in the airport, waiting, I wonder: how can some people carry on phone conversations as if no one can hear them. Like they are oblivious to the airport noises, intercom and everyone else. I can't do that. I jump every time the intercom comes on.

I just ate a Balance nutritional energy bar. It was so gross! I couldn't get even half of it down even when I chased every bite with a ton of diet coke. Blugh!

My plane should be here soon. I'm gonna binge on tabloid magazines now...

C'mon Iwanna Leiya (Kauai Bound....)

2008-12-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged in a while... (obviously).... I've been traveling again, ever since I left Dallas... and it's hard to write when I'm not on a schedule.... even if it's a half-ass schedule...

Somethings I have a hard time doing:

-talking on the phone in front of people (it doesn't matter if I know them well, or not)

-blogging in front of people (it's even hard for me to blog at a coffee shop....)

-shopping and purchasing things in front of people (only people I know)... this is a new one and I cannot explain it...

I had a great time in Austin, I hung out with friends, went to the coolest new hangout in Austin (Shangri-La), brought Christmas cheer to Scrooge's place (ha ha.. only half-kidding.... and yes, the ornaments I brought are filled with poison!) :) , played Cranium and lost... and I even cheated a bit... honestly and loudly cheated... but still, we lost.... I saw the movie Slumdog Millionaire, which I really liked! It's by Danny Boyle.... he did Trainspotting.... and one of my favorite movies: Millions (it's soooo good!).... he must have a thing for trains, because there are a lot in every movie....

So, now I'm back in Midland, texas... I'm doing laundry and over-thinking my packing, for my trip to Kauai.... I think I may just throw stuff in a suitcase... I can always buy stuff there....

My Hawaii diet changed from a "diet" to just eating less... i'm not as fab as I'd like to magically make myself be.... but, I think I have lost some weight....

Tomorrow I fly to dallas.... and then I fly out of dallas on Tuesday with Bek.... to paradise.... who knows... I may never wanna leave.

I'm gonna try to write everyday that I'm there... as long as I can find internet access and quiet hermit-blogger time...

and... I'm gonna buy a new camera.... so I'll be able to post more pics.

TNLC "bitchin'" party!

2008-12-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

So, I made the rounds in Dallas (as much as I could...) Tried to see as many people as possible, but I never have enough time... at least it seems. I also don't have time to blog... not so much that I don't have "time" but my brain is constantly organizing and planning what I'm doing next.... who I'm gonna see next, where I'm gonna go next, what I need to do and have to do... and would like to do.... so, my brain doesn't calm down enough for me to be able to focus enough to write....

Last night was the Tuesday Night Ladies Club white elephant gift and ornament exchange.... There were more girls this year... more hilarious gifts.... Let's see.... One of the most stolen gifts was a gnome, two glasses (with funny sayings on them) and a shrinky dink necklace, Sara brought that, and I stole it! HA! So, now I have the Gnome, and it has a fabulous new home at Shangri La in Austin!

Another Hi-LAR-I-OUS gift was a Twilight t-shirt with my brother on it.... HA! a character shirt of "Jasper".... which was also stolen... and coveted... too funny!

Cris brought a "bitchin'" jacket.... when she bought it, the guy at the thrift store asked if her friends had a sense of humor, and after she told him about the vagina coloring book (that was a gift last year), he said.... "yes, they must" ... and then he described the jacket as bitchin'..... after I saw it, there was NO other word I could think to describe it! Kim ended up with it....

Cris got the Urbandictionary.com 2009 calendar that I brought... which is perfect for her... maybe it'll help her understand and talk to her 7th and 8th grade students.

Sara and I did our customary stupid party pics.... of course....

And this one was taken at a party last March... (you can see we do this regularly! ... ha!)

Much much fun! So glad I could see everyone!

I'm in Austin now.... Need to clear my head... and start shopping and getting back to writing... and ready for my trip... I'll post more later!

quick update

2008-12-08T14:30:00.001-08:00

So, I'm still in Dallas... I'm trying to see as many people as possible... and catch up with friends who I haven't had a chance to visit with since I left for north carolina in May...

I haven't been able to blog.... but I will later... promise.

Art Conspiracy went great! There were a lot of people who came out, even though the building was not a typical spot, and it was a freezing cold night. My pieces sold, so I'm happy with that as well. I don't know who bought my Owl piece... I'd like to know, though.... so does anyone know?

It also gave me a chance to talk to Frank (Kettle Art) and Scott (Magnolia Gallery)... and talk about setting up shows next year! Jayme Nourallah and I were just talking about how great it would be to have a show together... and now, that's gonna happen at Kettle Art. Now we are trying to brainstorm on a theme...

our art is similar but different. We both love each other's work, we work really well together, and we both like to use imagery to narrate our concept or stories...

I really won't be able to see everyone I want to see on this trip.... if I had a clone, it would be a lot easier...

but, I'll be back.

okie dokie- more later...

photos of stuff for tonight

2008-12-06T13:20:00.000-08:00

These will be auctioned off tonight at art conspiracy...

This is what I made... I did one piece on an 18x18 (Nothing I planned worked out... I'll write about that when I have more time; tonight or tomorrow) and one that is 9x18... .and jayme and i collaborated on another one (I don't have a pic) that is 18x9 as well...

It came out blurry... and it was high up on the wall.... but here's a blurry pic...

But before it was an owl, it was a bird...and it was bugging me too bad.... so i repainted.... but it's a clearer pic, so you can see what it looks like.... the only differnce now is the bird, is no more... and it's an owl:

This is the one that is 9x18

now... i've got a zillion things to do .... like fix my stupid "smartphone"! and get ready....

Art Conspiracy (feed the artist for tuppence a day)

2008-12-05T02:37:00.000-08:00

I'll be painting for Art Conspiracy tomorrow morning.... I don't know what... but I feel okay about it now......

here's the info:

6:30 p.m. on SATURDAY DECEMBER 6th
location: 3011 Gulden Lane, Dallas, TX 75212 | MAP
artists: 150 Dallas Artists
bands:
MOUNT RIGHTEOUS, CHAMELEON CHAMBER,ATON

door: $ 10
benefiting: Preservation LINK, Inc

So, dyl and I are in dallas... and I remembered this (something old, something new) and steve sent it to me a month or so ago.... but it's poignant, (due to the economic times and the banking industry today... seriously.... i'd rather feed the birds for tuppence a day.... than invest in fidelity fiduciary bank!)

My phone has been acting up .... A LOT.... i'm scared it's gonna crash.... it's my blackberry pearl.... it keeps showing the hourglass "thinking" icon.... and it's shut off, by itself twice now.... ugh! my trip is not only to Dallas, but to Verizon.... and the Apple store too (for my laptops cd drive... that will not play anything....)

tuppence, tuppence, tuppence a day!

Professional Grey fighter in a Box of Revlon "Soft Black"

2008-12-04T00:49:00.000-08:00

I woke up really un-godly early... but early enough to see my sister off to school... my mom off to take her to school and then go to Bible study... and my dad go quail hunting..... I mean REAL early... like 7:15 or something similar; so early, it could be nighttime! :)

Kelly arrived back in Maine from Mumbai, India, safely, today. So so so thankful and glad for her safe trip.... I can't wait to see pics... I'm still jealous...

I'm on day 2 of my OH-CRAP-I'M-GOING-TO-HAWAII-IN-12-DAYS diet... yeah... not working so great... I HEART carbs... I mean, I could live on them... well... the first day of the diet is fruit only..... (i know... there are carbs in fruit.... but not the good/bad/fun kind!).... Zumba class was fun yesterday... what a crazy workout... like step aerobics...on raver drugs. My calves are super sore today... Tomorrow I have a riding lesson.... sore again!

Tomorrow, I also leave to go to Dallas... Art Conspiracy!!! I'm nervous... still... and stressed.... (like everytime I go to Dallas... except for more stressed).... but I keep reminding myself: IT'S FOR CHARITY.... but still... me, painting, on a time schedule, and painting in public?? Yikes! i'm like "The Little Hermit Painter".... but, I'm SO excited to paint with Jayme (like we used to!), and I'm so honored to be a part of Art con again this year.

Oh! Today, I noticed a forest of grey hair on my head... I knew I had some... maybe more than some.... but a forest?!? no....

After C died, my hair was falling out in the fist-full's ... When I went to a doctor, she told me that was not abnormal after experiencing severe shock and trauma.... but she told me, "don't worry, it'll grow back".... (like, i cared about my hair then....) ... but, she was right. It has grown back.... GREY! Or rather: white and wiry.....Either way, it's grown back, but not the same... I could use that as a metaphor for myself... but I'm too tired (and hungry) to go there.

So, I noticed a grey wiry forest, thriving on my scalp... and it made me do, what i've been threatening to do, to my do, for months:

BREAK OUT THE BOX O' HAIR DYE! and BLACK!

Yes. it's black... well... technically "soft black".... but not grey! YAY for NO grey!

I also freaked out about what I'm gonna paint on friday for Art Con.... have I mentioned that?!

just kidding... I know I did... a lot....

I also know it'll be great and fun, like last year! I hope to see as many peeps as possible there! xoxo

Why do I do this??? WHY

2008-12-02T22:45:00.000-08:00

This is what I got a start on today...

i was thinking... ooooh collage as presents... yay!

(she'll never read my blog... so I can show that one)

and then I did....

and then I Made a TON of more of a MESS!

and did more on this;

Uh oh....

So.... Today, Tonight... I started thinking: (WARNING.... this is a bitch-fest.... or WAIT... maybe it's my emo-blogger stage!).

Soooo... I started thinking:

Wow... I must be some sort of narcissist or something to write stuff... and expect people to read it, to care, to understand.... or even to WANT to understand..... Or am I normal.... (well, 10 years ago, bloggers weren't normal.... well, at least not with the people I knew....) .... but I thought (tonight):

I'm just keeping people updated on my travels (I moved in with my parents.... travels?!?).... people want to know I'm healing (I can't dwell on grief and sadness and sum up everyday with them both), well people want to know what I'm doing creatively (YAWN!)

So.... When exactly was it that I crossed the line from Just-keeping-everyone-updated-on-my-travels-er to .... Blogger.... !?

Is this my online journal.... kinda... but, no... I have a journal... I write in it pretty much as often as I blog.... Is it more interesting? No. More juicy? No. More soap-opera-esque. No... Honestly... It's probably more boring... (and I'm more boring than even I think....)... my Journal is the same prayer over and over again... It's the list-making, the clutter that I just have to get out, so I can function and work... and then.. after it all comes together ... I blog... well... sometimes.....

Sometimes, I think and tell myself that I shouldn't write about Carter... and when I should.. and I don't; I feel bad ... Sometimes, I think I should only write about happy stuff... and when I'm not happy, but I won't acknowledge it; I feel like I'm not being honest... But, with who?

With me... With me portraying myself as "me".... but only that one itty-bitty part of me... the I-can-pull-it-together-and-make-it-into-many-cohesive-sentences-and-wrap-up-my-day-real-purdy-and-tie-it-with-a-bow ME....

But, I'm a lot stranger than that.... and my mind is a lot more "out there" than that.... and my thoughts, even further "out there," sometimes...

Is this about Art? Life? Technology? Sex? Drama? Will it make you cry? Laugh? Change Your Life? Change Mine? .... No.... It's Just me.... or, what I would like to present to "you" as "ME"

maybe better.... maybe worse... i don't even know....

Good night .... and Good luck

AND NOOOOO that is NOT keith olbermann.. that is Edward R. Murrow....

BTW- if you stick with me... maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about me and my mom "poppin' it like it's hot" at zoomba! :)

This, is Zumba!

getting going again

2008-12-01T18:30:00.000-08:00

I decided to put this at the top, rather than the bottom of my blog.... just to mix it up! :o)

It seems like every year, after Thanksgiving, time starts to go at a mind-blowing pace... soon it's Christmas... then New Year's .... not to mention the tons of birthdays in-between (all you Sags and Caps!)... and in one month, it'll be 2009.... time to re-evaluate from where I was last year... time to plan where I hope to be next year... It's the only time of year that I really wish I had an extra month... a month of preparation? maybe...

Today, I was feeling better... the first day I've been able to get out of bed, and for the most part, stay out of bed. My head cold or allergies have beaten me... or had beaten me... until today.

I made time to go to my studio today...

I'm going to Dallas, and will be painting in Art Conspiracy 4 this year.... It always makes me nervous. All of the artists are given an 18x18 piece of plywood, and we have only a few hours to paint on it.... then, Dec. 6th, they are auctioned off for charity... last year was a lot of fun... but I was nervous then too.

Today I started going over, what should I paint? should I start painting now? Should I just plan? and then the SMART voice inside my head told me, stop preparing and just do what you can do today.... So... I listened...

I thought if I did a sketch of a painting or two, that maybe I'd be a little more confident when it came time for Friday's Paint-a-thon....

So, I started off with this little owl.... he's just a 5x7 acrylic on cardboard...

Then I moved on to the 24x24 piece of wood that I painted green... and I started painting the girl in the red hood (now it's an orange hood)...

I'm still working on getting the bones of it down, so that I can actually paint it.... one thing I decided today... I'd much rather work on a primed board.... The paint goes on so much smoother... Like I said, these are just the beginning stages... I've got a lot more work to do on her...

Another thing... I'm going to Hawaii with my friend Bek! Yes, we leave the 16th and get back the 23rd.... so, I guess, I'm definitely on the road again.

Love,
r

one more thing: Carter Albrecht Music Foundation

2008-11-30T19:00:00.000-08:00

One more thing!

Jayson Bales is running the Marathon, Helping to raise money for the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation.... Here's his email:

Hey folks. I want to make this short but...

1. Those of you who have already given to the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation...I say thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your generousity is amazing and your money will be used wisely.

2. Those of you who have pledged but have not yet sent in your money...I say get it together! Come on! We need you! The race is almost here and we want to acknowledge everyone who has pledged! Now is the time to send in your money.

3. Those of you who have not pledged yet to the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation as part of my running the White Rock Marathon...I say we need your help and still would appreciate your support! Any amount is sufficient. The attached letter shows suggested giving levels but there is no amount too large or small. Send your pledges to:

The Carter Albrecht Music Foundation
Northern Trust Bank
Attention: Keith Braley
16475 Dallas Parkway, Suite 100
Addison TX 75001

Please reference JB-WRM on the memo line in your gift so we can properly credit you!
I cannot thank all of you enough for supporting my first marathon and more importantly, supporting the legacy of one of DFW's greatest artists. If you need me to drive to your house and pick up your check, I will do it. And yes, the Foundation does accept stock and securities gifts. Call Annette Brown or email her for details on how to wire over securities. 972-738-8403 and email ab22@ntrs.com

Finally, if you haven't been following my blog about the training and the race, please do so at www.runningisforcrazypeople.blogspot.com

The Dallas Morning News will have a feature on us in the next two weeks and I've attached the recent article that ran in The Advocate Magazine. Again, thank you! This is the final email I'll be sending you.

Jayson Bales

feeding a cold

2008-11-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

Me ad Kel this summer... I love My sisters and brother! :)

So, My sister has been in India this past week.... that's really scary, with everything that's been going on in Mumbai... and she was in Mumbai... but left the day before the attacks.... now she's back there and trying to come home... that is such a scary and senseless situation over there ...

I hope she's able to come home soon.... My parents have been in constant contact with her.... that's good.

I still have a very strong desire to go to India... I've wanted to go for a long time... I just want kel home safely..

I'm starting to feel better.... the cold or allergies..... or whatever I've had seems to be getting better....

what do they say? is it "feed a cold, starve a fever" or the other way around? .... anyhoo.... I haven't stopped eating.... jeez..... I barely stop for air!

tomorrow, I plan to get back in my routine....

night!

ry

random thought-bit

2008-11-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

More and more, lately, when I look at pictures of myself.... I think I need to be on an episode of, "What Not to Wear"........

I think I need a make-over/do-over...... really....

Thanksgiving, Midland

2008-11-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sick AGAIN! Back in Midland... in bed... just took some NyQuil... which is about to make me pass out....

i had a wonderful time in Austin! Mons and I went to see the movie, Synecdoche, New York.... wow.... beautiful.... haunting.... and intense... here's what I think is a good blog by Ebert, called "O, Synecdoche my synecdoche!" describing it.... because I don't feel like typing it out myself right now....

I drove into Midland for thanksgiving.... was a bit late.... but my family waited for me to eat.... :) thank you!

After dinner I went to meet an old classmate from Lee out for coffee.... but EVERYTHING was closed..... and I mean everything.... Starbucks, Chilis, all of the usual places.... but the bar Woofers and Tweeters opened at 7, so we went there.... were Isaac made me sing karaoke and (attempt to) two-step....

For some reason I have never been able to two-step.... EVER. and before we got on stage to sing (of course we were the first ones of the night...) i thought I was going to throw-up.... it didn't help that our song was Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" and neither one of us remembered anything except the chorus.... that one sucked... then Girls Just Wanna Have FuN and then Stayin' Alive.... none of my usual karaoke tunes.... well.... i don't have a usual.... the only one that I've sung before (twice or thrice....) is Me and Bobby McGee, by Janis Joplin....

That is the funniest pic of me EVER singing! HA HA HA! That is with the ladies sitting at the table next to us.... ha ha ! soooo funny!

Austin travels

2008-11-26T17:38:00.000-08:00

I'm still in Austin... I've been here since Saturday night.

This time, when I drove from Midland, I did not listen to my GPS...or even plug it in.... I got to Austin in 5 hrs... instead of the almost 8 hours it took me the last time!

I don't trust my GPS anymore!

Since I've been here... I've seen Twilight two more times... hee hee...

I went to my friends Tyler and Emily's new bar, Shangri-la on 1016 E 6TH ST a few times...

For anyone who lives, or goes to Austin, check out Shangri-la! it is such an awesome place.... it's got a cool crowd... a HUGE 2 level outside patio.... and much much more... FO SHO my favorite new place in Austin... and I know it's not just that I'm biased because it's their place, because I've taken Steve and Mons there and they both loved it too.

This is a write up from eastaustinite.com

Remember that bright turquoise building? We stopped by East 6th Street’s newest addition last weekend and got some details on the Shangri-La. First of all, it is pretty awesome, and it’s topped off with a bit of more awesome. It seems like patrons will be going in through the rear entrance near the outdoor patio, and the patio in itself is pretty cool. It’s getting cooler now, but I can see us spending a lot of time out there on pleasant-weather days. The inside wasn’t finished yet, since they aren’t schedule to open until possibly November, but it’s coming along great. My favorite part of the interior has to be the gun art… nothing says welcome to Texas like guns on the wall. On top of a great selection on tap, they will have pool tables and possibly vintage arcade games for all the patrons to enjoy. We are excited about the Shangri-La opening up soon and we will be there for sure on opening day. You can be there, too, if you friend them on Myspace so you can keep up.

Here's Emily and me at Shangri-la:

Here are some random and slightly creepy things I've taken pictures of since i've been here:

On Sunday...

2008-11-25T11:32:00.000-08:00

Okay this was cool!

So Steve has become really connected with his church, Gateway, in Austin... he's made great friends... I've met them, they are a great group of people!

Their church did something this past Sunday, that I wish you'd see more of, more often:

The church handed out envelopes with money in them... to everyone... in the envelope was anywhere from $5 to $300, and the church members said that they could do what ever they wanted to with the money, but were asked try and make the biggest positive impact with their money as possible...

So, Steve's group (I joined in), decided to make care packages for the homeless... We went to a Thrift store and Dollar General, and bought blankets, tooth brushes, socks, hats, gloves, toilet paper, and bottled water... then we put them together in packages and went to a shelter (ARCH) on 7th and Red River in Austin to hand them out...

I had NO idea how many people there were there!!! I know I've been in that area before... but have I been that blind to the homeless people? I'm ashamed that I never noticed!

We met up, grabbed our bags and walked up the alley... before we even got halfway up the alley, all of our care packages had been given out to very grateful men and women... But there were SO many of them... most of them asked for socks ... some asked for Dr. Scholl's inserts... It made sense though... their feet are the most important part to them..

It was really moving... and we all wished that we could do more... but, that was the best thing about the experience...

I think more churches should do something similar: give money to their congregations and let them help people.... i thought it was an amazing experience and I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it.

Here's a message that was emailed from one of the group members, Ramy:

Last Thursday, for our Last Soul Rev Meeting, I told my peeps they were getting a secret envelope on Sunday, and I challenged them not to open it until 3PM when we all met back at the church/school. That's all the info I gave them... By the way, we are probably the only church in history that gives money back to the congregation. So Sunday comes, the group holds true to their commitment and at 3PM we all meet with our closed envelopes. I tell them how proud I am of their accomplishment and then I discuss the mission: to combine our funds, divide it in 2 for 2 groups, then for the next hour to scour South Austin Dollar and Thrift stores looking for toilet paper rolls, gloves, soap, tooth paste and tooth brushes, blankets, socks, beanies, jackets, and water bottles. An hour later we met at a parking lot at Congress and Oltorff and assembled 39 care packs. Then we drove up to 7th and Red River and passed them out while mingling with some new friends. It was awesome, and one of our new friends, Derrick Clark, will be performing with the South Band for Offering this Sunday. He is a poet and we decided we were going to make music to one of his poems and play it at church. Also the team has all committed to each setting aside $20 and a Sunday Afternoon a month to repeat the mission!!!
Thank you God for using Gateway yet again...

One Sunday...

2008-11-24T18:17:00.001-08:00

Okay, I'm going to write more about what we did yesterday a bit later... but Steve made a cartoon and I thought I'd go ahead and put it up now....

HALE YES!

2008-11-21T23:06:00.000-08:00

25 of us went to see Twilight tonight...

My parents, grandmother, bee and me and 20 other friends (mainly bee's friends), all went to see it. I made 25 shirts today that said, "TEAM JASPER" on the front and "HALE YEAH!" on the back... J's character in the movie is Jasper Hale... so we thought that was cute!

I didn't want to give my opinion, because it'll seem one-sided and subjective because J's in it... but, i'm going to, because I really loved it.

To be honest, I read the first book and wasn't sold... I didn't even care to read the rest of the books... I thought the book was an easy read, but cheesy. But I still think Stephanie Meyer is amazing... and her story is amazing... and she's a great storyteller... if she wasn't, then there wouldn't be so much to do about the books!

I thought the writer and director did an amazing job! I was so pleasantly surprised! It's for sure going to be a cult classic.... but it's already popular... so a popular cult classic? is that a real category?

After seeing it, I was surprised that so many critics had panned it... Yes, watching it is an overindulgence, just like the books... like eating too much dessert... but soooo awesome! It seemed like a movie critics would rave about... but maybe they'd only rave about it if no one liked it... I think because SO many people already love it, they have to pan it... or maybe they themselves are just frustrated actors, writers and/or directors...hmmmm.... it makes me think....

It's filmed like an Indie film, and everything that made me not like the book, was used in the movie in a humorous way. I laughed.... I didn't roll my eyes like i did when I read the dialogue in the book.... and it made it so much better. :)

i actually WANT to read the next books to find out what happens next! and I know they are an easy read... so I could... but instead, I cornered my grandmother and made her tell me (reluctantly) what happens to Bella and Edward... ha!

I want to see it again! I'm looking forward to seeing it again.

I think the cast was great. J was great... not in this one much, but when he was, he was awesome! :)

just my thoughts....

Team Jasper!

HALE YES!

Showed up

2008-11-20T20:46:00.000-08:00

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):

There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):

I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

Notes to Self:

2008-11-19T17:26:00.000-08:00

My legs are sore. I went to my first riding lesson today... it was nice to ride a horse again. I have a lot of confidence in myself when I'm on a horse... I wish I felt that way all of the time.

I slept for over 12 hours last night! I can't even believe I slept that long. And I'm tired now... I feel like all of my creativity was a wave... and now it's being sucked out with the tide... I still showed up: on the page and in the studio... But I felt overwhelmed and prayed for some guidance... I think I heard the answer: Patience, keep showing up and be patient.

I don't have any pictures... but... I thought I'd post some of my Notes to Self that I keep in my cell phone, just incase anyone has ever cared about the random notes in my cell phone... (I have no idea when I wrote these, some I don't even remember writing... and they're listed alphabetically):

Anger
People. New you. New Us. But don't know. Ignorance spreads. I know us. Knew you, knew me. New you. New Me. Why does the conspiracy sow a seed in the pit of my mind, and grow to emit blackness, in the absence of light...

I mean, seriously?!? what's up with the angry 15 yr old goth chick leaving notes on my phone?!?

Art Stuff
Griddle
Quilting Iron
Resin Jewelry Kit
Glass Cutter
Storage Case
Oil Paints
Sewing Pattern

YAY! I've gotten all of those items! check! check! check!

Easy
it's so easy to play it safe. And then get stuck. Stuck in routine. Stuck in the trenches of the easiest path. Stuck in what other people like about me and what I think they don't. Stuck in the past, and future. Stuck in my head and to my thoughts. Stuck in collage... Just stuck.

God
God is love and light not guilt and fear. Those are the elements of our soul not our bodies, which are dying. God is more than society and culture. God is more than contradiction and paradox in everything and everywhere. Life and death, above the cycles of human existence, God is the creator, nothing god creates ever ends. the absence of god is judgement fear guilt. God is not in the past or future; not anymore, and not yet... But god is very present in this moment and every moment.

That one had a little bit of background as to why I wrote it.

Laura Ingram
Laura ingram show?
MEAN.
Her name sounds like she should be nice. Sounds like The Little House on the Prairie.

HA! that makes me laugh...and it's very true.

Superhero Powers
Are funny.

That's what I wrote... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief)

Things to Look at
Studio Space
Residencies

Yeah, so that didn't happen....

Today
I didn't choose the road less traveled. It chose me. It's not easy, but I have to treat it like the most precious gift i could ever be given. It gives me place purpose love to share with others. it's awakened my soul, and hopefully my journey can help others to awaken.

true... but it's called "today" and I'm not sure which day that really was...

I have NO idea when I wrote any of these... except one: "Easy". .. I wrote that tonight.. and then I looked at the other strange notes on my phone, and thought: wow, these are weird.

There's one that I didn't want to share.. so it's still on my phone... it's titled "Survivors Guilt" ... I'm not really ready to share it... so I won't.

and about the goth-chick leaving notes to self on my phone... I found her... in my myspace photos... except she's about 26... not 15 ... yikes!

Would you like a Testamint?

2008-11-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

I think I was tested to learn and practice patience today at Discount Tire....

I waited for a little over two hours to be helped and have the nozzle on my tire replaced... but I stayed patient... not only did I reach enlightenment through patience (kidding)... but they fixed it for free too! I thought I was going to have to buy two new tires.... but it was free..

But I did walk over to Hobby Lobby and spent at least an hour in there. I bought a heat gun, for encaustic, and then I saw:

So, of course I had to buy them... I didn't realize there were Bible verses on the back until just now ... This one is:

Isaiah 43:18-19
Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.

hmmm.... I think that's a good one for me... Staying present, so I don't miss the new thing... or what ever is in the present moment.

LA?

2008-11-17T14:07:00.001-08:00

Today my parents and youngest sister are in LA for my brother's premier, for the movie Twilight...

Last night, I was talking to them and it came up that maybe I should move to LA... maybe be a publicist... It's not the first time the possibility has come up... but every time I've said, no way, no how... I'm not healed enough.... strong enough... But now, I'm actually considering the possibility... of maybe...

I have to admit: When I think about me, in LA I picture: roller blading... over-sized sunglasses... being really tan or really white (not in-between) ... eating über healthy... taking Dylan to Doga classes... saying things like "über" and "So-Co"...

But I have friends there... and family there...

Is LA calling my name? I NEVER would have thought so, but maybe it is... as long as I could still write and paint... I can't rule it out... is any place really more healing than another?

I've gotten a lot of work done... I worked on putting together some pieces from Justin Voight's and my trip through Big Bend and West Texas... I actually got a collage done, and I'm happy with it!

it's on an 11 x17 canvas that I covered in a thin layer of beeswax medium (I used the wax scraps from other collages, so all different neutral colors, and I smoothed it out with my quilting iron... Then, I ironed two layers of white tissue paper on the waxy side of freezer paper and cut them to fit in the printer and printed some of Justin and my photographs... and maps that I had collected... and then I just started layering the images on the wax with the iron.

YAY! One project completed... finished! awesome. that feels good.

Dallas Morning News Article

2008-11-16T11:03:00.000-08:00

Thank you to Brittany Edwards and the Dallas Morning News... They wrote what I thought (and hope others think) is a nice article about my art, and healing....

Here's the Link:
DMN Article

I've been amazed by the positive response I've gotten.... through my art, ... my story... It's just a piece of my story... which is made up of so many other stories.

I talked about the interview and wish I coulda woulda shoulda said in the the blog "Does That Make Sense?!"

I always get a bit nervous when any press comes out, I think because it's my words, interpreted by someone else, who is going to use their words for a larger group of people to interpret for themselves... but I think Brittany wrote a really nice piece (thank you).

My friend, Jayme sent me this today after she read it:

Ok, I don't know why, but this totally made me cry.

I think it is because I am so proud of you and so happy that you are on such a healthy path.
A year ago you scared me on a daily basis and I wanted you to be well so bad because I saw something in you that was dying and I didn't want it to. It was a spark and I am so happy that you didn't let that spark die. You turned it into a flame!!!
You also have so much more confidence now than only a year ago and that takes a lot to achieve - and you managed to do it in the midst of a horrible tragedy. Amazing.

I am so proud of you, Ryann. I love you and am glad to call you my friend.

Love
Jayme

Thank you, Jayme! And also to everyone... for the prayers, thoughts, support, and such kindness that gave me strength when I didn't have it myself...

Much love,

ryann

Word play... and more

2008-11-15T20:20:00.001-08:00

Okay... So I may have exaggerated a BIT on the photo of me jumping on the horse... Although, I DID jump pretty high jumps that were 6ft apart... with this horse, and even in the same place, and with the same trainer... but this photograph is of a jump that's just an average height... but I still think it's a cool photo.

That photo was taken in Norway... I learned a lot of the language when I was over there... and being a pre-teen and young-teen while living there, we'd laugh about certain Norwegian words that sounded funny... But, until I was at Eva's apartment in DC this summer... Kel and I realized that we completely missed one HI-LAR-I-OUS word... What's a bit sad is I'm laughing about it, now (almost 30), instead of 13...

Eva had a Norwegian tabloid magazine at her place, and I opened up to this, and cracked up:

"Fart" in norwegian, means fast... or speed... So, it means something like: "real fast" or "full speed"... but still! How did I live in Norway for so many years and never think that was funny... Kelly was hilarious... when i showed it to her, her jaw dropped... and Eva quizzed me on my Norwegian... and was impressed I knew what it meant...

Today, I read, cleaned... and did a little more art stuff... and bugged some of my friends, by calling and texting.

Here's some of what I've done:

This is an encaustic I started this summer... I just didn't feel it was finished %100... and it seemed unbalanced... so I added orange string... and made a heart shape around the heart... I think now all it needs is a little bit of light blue string next to the orange... and then a frame.... and then... VOILA! it's finished! yay!

I know this looks the same as it did before... but it's NOT at all... i've been going over and over these patterns with different colors... who knows what it'll end up being!

And this is a small collage I started... I tried to use Mod-Podge instead of wax... but the tissue paper (that I wanted to be clear) wouldn't go clear with mod-podge, so I put wax over that... and took a photo that I had printed on tissue paper... but it ripped... the yellow thing is probably going on there somewhere... I just haven't decided yet...

FACENESS!

2008-11-15T00:39:00.000-08:00

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

lost clothes in dream land...

2008-11-14T01:00:00.000-08:00

The song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" has been stuck in my head all day.... I don't know why. I haven't heard that song in... well... I can't even recall when...

Today I went to the Polo club... I'm going to take riding lessons again... I used to ride english (jumping and some dressage) 14 yrs ago... and I was actually really good. I have a picture of me, somewhere, of me and the horse I was riding at the time jumping two pretty high jumps that were about 6 ft apart... I need to find that picture and scan it in. I'm really excited about it... I love riding horses!

today, I have no pandora, no urbandictionary.com words...

But I had a really strange dream last night. I only recognized two people in the dream, one was a girl I went to school with in Norway and haven't heard from since then.... and the other is a friend of mine now... But there were a lot of other people in the dream... those "dream friends".... you know them... they're always there (in dreams), but they don't exist in real life... at least I don't think so.

So we were at a party/music festival/rave... and then I was with one real friend sitting on a pool table... both of us were in costume... I had changed into a fancy 80's prom dress.... and then I wanted to change back into my normal clothes...

So, I asked around and no one knew where they were... except for one guy, who had a HUGE stretched out kleenex box on his shoulder... so, i asked him and he SCREAMED at me that he couldn't tell me because that would interrupt the band playing (he was doing the sound for the band with the box of kleenex's)... So, I left my friend and walked around looking for my clothes...

The music was really loud... it was a lot like a rave or something.. and then I found my friend (from Norway), she needed the dress back... So I had to take it off and give it to her... and then I walked around in my underwear (i wasn't all that embarrassed because I thought it covered as much as a bikini did...) but my panties were inside out... and I was embarrassed the tag was sticking out (weird...)... So I walked around the party... which turned out to be a Walmart too... and then walked back and found the first friend I was with... and he was in normal clothes...on the phone with his dad and working on his laptop... I said, "Where?!?" and he laughed and told me to check in the suitcases lined up against the wall... and that they (the suitcase owners) wouldn't mind...

Then I woke up... As random as it was, it was such a vivid dream, that I had to immediately text SOMEONE! later on, I realized that the dream wasn't as enlightening as I thought when I first woke up...

So... what does it mean??? I think, maybe, it could mean that I should go to Walmart and buy some new underwear.

today, i walked outside and found two small dead butterflies... and a nice big duck feather:

I also bought *gasp* OIL PAINTS! I have a hate-hate relationship with them... or i did... But if you paint with encaustic, then you really need oil paints... so I bought a cheap set ... and some turpentine...

So, I got back to work on the paper doll "disaster".. but not really... I'm starting to like it... i painted a bit with oils to bring out some color and then added wings on the girl:

Then I worked on the pattern even more... I keep not liking the colors I'm picking... So I keep going over it, again, and again, and again... I smeared the pink with a goldish-color... It doesn't look as crisp.... I'm liking it better. Here's a close up of the small pattern:

and when pandora froze up and wouldn't play anything for me, Dylan's snoring kept me company:

I was putting off blogging... (resistance), but maybe I'll be glad I did tomorrow.

Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks

2008-11-13T00:30:00.000-08:00

I had a good phone conversation tonight. (so, i DID end up blogging about this! heehee)

At one point I was told that I seem to be more about question marks than exclamation points... or ? vs !, or Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks... which I was told is an essay written by Alestier Crowley. (just so you know: I did find the essay online... and it was, just as I warned via text: "a little dry... about how to drive yourself crazy with philosophy." Very true... I skimmed it. So, I can't even say I really read it... )

I didn't take being a ? as a negative thing... but it made me wonder... is having more !!!!s better than ???s ? (another hunchback) I even took it as a complement! (and now a soldier.... notice the trend...)

It was a good question... and kept rolling around in my head... so here are my thoughts!:

I think exclamation points, are for moments: Yes! NO! A-ha! This! That! There! Question marks to me are more open... They don't have to be about asking questions for answers... but looking and examining... Exclamation points are black and white... where as question marks are the all of the shades of grey in between.

! are about me... or claims I stake... ? are about allowing and preparing for change, letting things happen, not exclaiming something as good or bad, but questioning the context, paradigm... being objective... like a good objective reporter who wants to know all sides. Being introspective... that's good!

The majority of my ?s aren't the kind that need answers, Im not looking for the future, or answers for it, I'm questioning what I'm thinking, feeling and doing: Is it working? Is it good? if not, what can I do to balance myself?

But I definitely agree that there needs to be both.... right?!?!?!? Maybe now they can live, no longer vs. each other, but in perfect Hunchback, Soldier harmony. Like ebony and ivory..... (okay... that was cheeeeeeesy). I don't like "hunchback" either... maybe a better name would be a curvy soldier...

Anyways....

So, I painted today... back to good ol' acrylics and patterns... It's kind of meditative for me to get into painting patterns... so I worked on it... ALL DAY... Not even close to being done:

I also tried www.pandora.com for the first time today. I love it! It's free radio, and you pick out the music you want to hear, and they play similar artists, and you get to say yes I like that... or no I don't... It's like creating your own radio station! Sha boing BOING (okay that's a throwback to urbandictionary.com which was yesterday...)

Today, I was starting to miss my friends.... and got a little bummed... but then I received a couple of texts, calls and emails... from friends because they were thinking about me! It made me feel good... loved... and not forgotten... your timing was perfect! It's nice to know I'm not out of sight, out of mind.

Thank you!

Yes, that's my brother... Shabooya!

2008-11-11T20:51:00.000-08:00

A lot of my friends have been asking me if my brother J is in the movie Twilight.... Yes, he is! He is playing the character, Jasper... I am very proud of him! (in the photo above, he's on the far right... I've been having trouble with photos... adding them to blogs.. taking them and so on.... so I'm sorry I kinda cut off part of his right side... I don't know how to fix it).

It's funny, because you know someone's "made it" when they are on the Home/Login page of Myspace... which he has been 3 times!!! Actually, my friends would text and email me that he was on the main myspace page... :) He totally deserves it... He is a great actor, a great friend, has worked hard, and he's a really great, cool guy, and I love him very much!

You know, when most people move out to LA to be an actor or actress, you think, great.... another waiter/waitress in LA... But with J we always knew, (I guess I shouldn't speak for anyone except myself), I had NO doubt that he was going to make it... it was just a feeling of knowing... I'm not sure if he ever doubted it or not, but I didn't. So, I'm very proud, but not surprised at all.

My parents and little sis are flying to L.A to the premiere of Twilight this weekend. It's really exciting to see so much hype around this movie, and the books, and that J's a part of it.

I remember when I first realized this could be a big thing for him: it happened this summer when I was at Penland, my mom sent me a text that said: "J's on a t-shirt at Hot Topic in the mall!" I remember thinking: why is mom at Hot Topic?! and then thinking wow, we all need to get one of those shirts!

I'm not sure of the date, but I know Twilight comes out in the next few weeks.

Here's a pic of my family that Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) took of my family last November in LA... it's on the site www.jackson-rathbone.com

okay....

I didn't paint or draw today... but I DID write, and I am blogging... so I don't consider myself off track.

I did a lot of emailing today... actually one email (from Sara) that seemed innocent enough... (she forwarded %50 coupons to Michaels) turned into a back and forth exchange... which led Sara, Aubrey and me to the depths of urbandictionary.com and back... (or we may be stuck there... who knows)...

We spent a lot of emails one-upping each other with new words... Like:
shabooya
In your face like booyah except with much more in your faceness....

I swear! That's a direct quote! "faceness"?! genius!

We may have an unhealthy addiction to that web site now... at least they have something to do at work! ;)

"Does that make sense?!"

2008-11-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, when I was in Dallas, I was interviewed for the Dallas Morning News Home section, about my art work...

The woman who interviewed me is so nice, she is the same one who did my write up for DailyCandy.com back in May.

But, I felt scattered in the interview... because there was SO much to say, and I had only an hour. I wanted her to know all of my artistic journey (which is not as much DMN article material as it is... well... a BOOK). I didn't know where to start, or what to say...

I tried my best... she told me I was making sense... I wasn't sure...

Usually when I'm talking about many things I'm passionate about simultaneously I usually ask, "does that make sense?" over, and over and over again..... because, most of the time, I know what I'm trying to say... but my words don't capture my thoughts and feelings... and I'm very abstract at times... so most people just smile and nod when I ask, "does that make sense?"

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards ... also I sent her an email afterwards, with the subject "Things I shoulda said":

"10-26-08
I just had an interview about my art. It's so hard to put my art into an hour long interview. I have journals and blogs that chronicle most of my journey, my life's journey.... learning... healing. I don't even know how to describe everything... and put it in a nutshell...

My art is so much bigger than me... about honesty, healing, stories.... my stories.... telling stories with symbols... but sometimes even a simples shape or object carries more weight than I can even know.. It comes from something else... in me... but not me... God? Love? The collective consciousness? Every little moment in time and each story since the beginning has brought me to my place, my current story... it's not even MY art...

Art was always there... and will always be... art and love.

Unfortunately, for most (including me), it takes suffering to be able to see, really SEE, the art and love in everything. Carter's death was the catalyst for my art... but it does not define it... but with love he's allowed me to see.. and share.

To me, art at first was a story.. my story, and heart crying to make sense of senselessness... Now art I make has changed as the story has evolved... I'm awake and alert... my eyes are opened, and i want to express that sight/insight with art. I try to respond moment by moment... Not holding on to how things are "supposed to be"... because we don't know how things are "supposed to be" ... that's the mystery of life, our stories are never what they're supposed to be (to us), but they are the pieces of the fabric of stories that come together to create the human story of life....

When I make art now, I want to share my journey. When I travel and see beautiful scenery; a landscape, and remember the landscape, I don't just remember the view, but I remember the feel of the rock i sat on, the falcon that flew over my head, the butterfly that landed by me, as if it wanted to be observed... they aren't the snapshot of the landscape, but they are a part of my experience and connection to that landscape at that moment... With art I try to express my personal experiences in those moments.."

Sorry.... a little longer than i meant to write... and I left a lot out... So, did that make sense? ha. joking... kinda....

Well, i don't know when the article is coming out... I'm working on new work too... I'd like to get into a gallery.... because I don't know how to do this myself... I am sending stuff to the Gypsy Wagon... so they'll have prints... I get overwhelmed with that part...

So, today... I read the book The Shack. I got it... but I'll talk about it another time.

i really really really wanted to do something else instead of the encaustic collage I've been working on... but I HAD to fix it... so I did... a bit... still not done, but not annoying me so badly:

Then I started a new really small collage, it might be done... It's so hard to tell... I think if they were both framed nicely, it'd make a HUGE difference...

Sorry about the photos.. My camera still has this big black blurry spot in the picture...

Encaustic collage comes back, as another one (camera) bites the dust..

2008-11-09T23:34:00.000-08:00

Why am I the kiss of death for digital cameras?!? Every time I buy one, something happens! This summer I lost one to "lens error", then tonight I tried to take pictures of my work but there is a huge black fuzzy dot in the middle! I tried to clean the lens.. but it's still there... ugh! What is it? Will it go away?

All of my pics below were taken off-centered, and cropped so the dot won't show...

The last two days here in Midland, I've fought my Resistance... and won... I need to stop judging the results though.

I've unpacked my stuff. It's not a hard thing to do, but it's been harder, because I haven't been really settled and unpacked anywhere since last year when C was killed... I've been a refugee of sorts... When i stayed at the house my parents rented for me in Dallas, i was unpacked... but not settled.... my mind wasn't settled...

I'm so used to living out of a suitcase now, it's kinda scary... and sad.

But, i unpacked. and organized (almost everything)

I've written in my journal for the second day in a row (I'm proud of myself for that), and I've blogged (also proud of myself), and I've tried to do some encaustic collage....

I'm trying to not judge what I do... and let it happen... but it's HARD!

Here's my process: I had masonite board that I coated in beeswax medium, and then I took a paper doll book (that I bought on the Big Bend trip), a sewing pattern for dresses.. some doilies, and tissue papers.... I used a quilting iron that I bought a few months ago and collaged on the pieces wax...

It started like this:

And then I decided to add the Indian Girl paper doll book:

and

Those pictures were taken with my cell, so the color is a bit different...

Then, today i decided to add more dress pattern and color in the dresses.... I'm not really happy with how this looks... it's too abstract for me... I may cut out the paper doll dresses.... I'm still working with this though:

I'm trying not to judge what I do... and just react to what I put down instead... Sometimes I stop myself, and say out loud, "thinking, judging, let go..."

I may let that project sit for a few days before I get back to it...

I've been somewhat of a hermit here so far (but for two days... does that even count?!?), I'm tired from all of the traveling... and I'm ready to get to work ... and make some work I'm happy with... i think I need to be a little bit of a recluse to tap back in to my connectedness and creativity flow. Does that just make me strange? probably.... but a lot of the great artists and writers were considered "strange". I know I'm not "normal"... and I'm finally making peace with that.

I'm fighting fear right now... fear of being an artist, or a writer... just fear of patience... maybe? fear of failure and fear of success... It makes me want to hide... but I can't. I KNOW something good will come... but I'm being tested. Damn that "Resistance!".

what are you wrapped up in?

2008-11-09T01:34:00.001-08:00

When I was in Dallas a week or two ago (wow, time is so insignificant...), I participated in my friend Tiffany Volmer's project. (original concept by tiffany volmer, photography by hal samples).

Tiff is putting together a project about women and what they are wrapped up in. She started this two years ago, when she experienced significant losses in her own life. That kind of suffering makes any soul search... and want to express themselves... that's what i do... that's what Tiffany is doing....

It comes from such a honest place. The place where suffering makes you crumble or leaves you no choice but to be stronger than you ever thought you'd be... That's why I agreed to participate in Tiff's project, with Hal Samples (a friend and an amazing photographer).

I'm only one of the women and concepts of Tiff's idea, and Hal's photography.... But i want to share my experience.

Tiff (a make-up artist and costume designer... also just a badass artist), painted me all white... even my hair... which took washing at LEAST 35 times before the oily white base came off....

It was translucent, and Tiff made a heart that was broken, but then glued back together and then tied with a bow of gauze... and that was glued on my chest. She also penciled in veins... to show, (my words, not her's... yet) that the heart was broken but mended... i was white... but the heart still pumped blood through my veins...

She will be setting up a website soon... and I'll keep everyone posted on her project... and Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) is the amazing photographer who took these photo's and many more.... I feel the two of them worked together to create an amazing experience for me that expresses loss, suffering and a broken heart, but also hope, and love... LOVE that we choose to let help us to overcome suffering and make us more awake to love and so, so much stronger....

those two are an incredible team.... thank you to both... I'm so glad I was able to be a part of your project.

Silent and sneaky war of art.

2008-11-07T23:11:00.000-08:00

I got back to Midland tonight... My GPS took me on a very scenic, but also very out-of-the-way drive from Lockhart to Midland... all 7 hours of it.

While I was driving, I was trying to connect to the work I plan to get done and do... The book/project that Justin Voight and I are working on... the whole reason for the trip to the Big Bend area... but I couldn't.

I was doubting myself... my creativity... a lot of fear of not being able, or good enough... I felt like I lost that creative drive that was fueling me before I left Midland.

I called Justin, we talked for a long time... we were both struggling with the same issues. But, instead of discouraging each other, our conversation caused us to dissect our fear, anticipation, procrastinations... look at ourselves.... all of it. I felt back on track when I pulled the car in the driveway.

I was REALLY tired, and wanted to go to bed. But Mons gave me a book (months ago- procrastination), and I promised to read it as soon as I got back to Midland. It's called The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. (thank you! I'm so glad I read it)

As soon as I started to read it, I couldn't put it down. He describes the conversations that Justin and I had just had an hour earlier perfectly. The fear, the excuses.... all of the blocks to creativity... or rather the blocks to the canvas, or blank page... he calls that force "the Resistance" that we all have.

It's a force that has to be fought daily.... and reading that book made me realize that a lot of my traveling (or most of it) was my Resistance to producing what I needed to. I've learned and read and traveled in order to make art... but do I have anything substantial to show for it? Not yet... always tomorrow.

I came back to Midland a week later than I had planned ... that is a full week of not sitting down and producing work... or writing. I'm not beating myself up about it... I'm just realizing it.. processing it.

I mean, I didn't even blog! i felt like there was too much to say... or not enough pictures.... excuses, excuses... either way, nothing substantial was done (work-wise)... well, besides substantial procrastination....

So, tomorrow, I'm going to unpack the car, and organize.... then schedule. (I hate schedules!) But I'm going to make sure that I write three pages in my journal everyday, at a certain time, and treat going into my studio and making art like a job... I'll be on the clock, whether I feel like it or not.

And I've got Justin as an accountability partner... we're gonna check in with each other to help keep us out of the blockages.

I'm not saying it's going to be perfect or amazing... actually I expect it's gonna be harder than we think.

But at least I took one step in the right direction today, and actually blogged!

my "15 minutes"....

2008-11-06T19:19:00.000-08:00

my 15 minutes, of costuming, on halloween, at Walgreens (in Lockhart!):

I drove in from Dallas... just in time to make the Halloween/trick or treater/costume party in Lockhart, with one problem.... NO COSTUME!

I was at Walgreens... and they had kid costumes... and you know how fat kids are today... so I knew I could find a costume with elastic that would fit me in the kids' costume section... I looked, and AHA! A boy's ninja outfit.... I thought: I'll be a ninja!
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but on the way to the checkout line, I spotted this "bad fairy" wig... i'm not sure if it was just a BAD wig for a fairy... or a BAD as in "naughty" fairy wig .... either way, it was a bad ninja wig.... because the hood doesn't fit over the wig... but I rocked it anyways...

i decided I'd be a Japanamation ninja... but through out the night, it became more and more evident that I was like the cartoon from the esurance.com commercials... as a japanamationinja....

Steve was zoro.... he was costumed up with *gasp!* NO mask! Zoro HAS to have a mask... so I drew it in...

Steve set up a sound system at the house party we went to... when kids in their costumes would walk up to trick or treat... he'd freak them out with a really creepy, "happy halloween... hello (insert costume here)... welcome to the haunted house!" The kids were looking for "the voice" everywhere... and were freaked out... some of them had to be carried by their parents (who were cracking up) to the front to get candy... It was hi-lar-i-ous!

After that we went into Austin, met up with Mons and some of the guys' mutual friends.

Fat kid costume at walgreens + bad wig (fairy or not) + good friends (in costume or not) = great halloween and a lot of fun!

This is from Halloween 1983! i'm a bumblebee and Kel is a Lady bug! i remember that our costumes were puffed out with newspaper...