i was thinking... ooooh collage as presents... yay!
(she'll never read my blog... so I can show that one)
and then I did....
and then I Made a TON of more of a MESS!
and did more on this;
Uh oh....
So.... Today, Tonight... I started thinking: (WARNING.... this is a bitch-fest.... or WAIT... maybe it's my emo-blogger stage!).
Soooo... I started thinking:
Wow... I must be some sort of narcissist or something to write stuff... and expect people to read it, to care, to understand.... or even to WANT to understand..... Or am I normal.... (well, 10 years ago, bloggers weren't normal.... well, at least not with the people I knew....) .... but I thought (tonight):
I'm just keeping people updated on my travels (I moved in with my parents.... travels?!?).... people want to know I'm healing (I can't dwell on grief and sadness and sum up everyday with them both), well people want to know what I'm doing creatively (YAWN!)
So.... When exactly was it that I crossed the line from Just-keeping-everyone-updated-on-my-travels-er to .... Blogger.... !?
Is this my online journal.... kinda... but, no... I have a journal... I write in it pretty much as often as I blog.... Is it more interesting? No. More juicy? No. More soap-opera-esque. No... Honestly... It's probably more boring... (and I'm more boring than even I think....)... my Journal is the same prayer over and over again... It's the list-making, the clutter that I just have to get out, so I can function and work... and then.. after it all comes together ... I blog... well... sometimes.....
Sometimes, I think and tell myself that I shouldn't write about Carter... and when I should.. and I don't; I feel bad ... Sometimes, I think I should only write about happy stuff... and when I'm not happy, but I won't acknowledge it; I feel like I'm not being honest... But, with who?
With me... With me portraying myself as "me".... but only that one itty-bitty part of me... the I-can-pull-it-together-and-make-it-into-many-cohesive-sentences-and-wrap-up-my-day-real-purdy-and-tie-it-with-a-bow ME....
But, I'm a lot stranger than that.... and my mind is a lot more "out there" than that.... and my thoughts, even further "out there," sometimes...
Is this about Art? Life? Technology? Sex? Drama? Will it make you cry? Laugh? Change Your Life? Change Mine? .... No.... It's Just me.... or, what I would like to present to "you" as "ME"
maybe better.... maybe worse... i don't even know....
Good night .... and Good luck
AND NOOOOO that is NOT keith olbermann.. that is Edward R. Murrow....
BTW- if you stick with me... maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about me and my mom "poppin' it like it's hot" at zoomba! :)
This, is Zumba!
5 comments:
Ryann- i love your blog I think you are interesting 7 creative & it makes me happy to know youare healing!
Here's my take, if you're interested. If not, skip over cuz this may get long. :-p I've been blogging since 2003, back before it was a normal thing for most people to do. That doesn't make me special or anything (in fact, it probably makes me more of a nerd), but it might give me some sort of perspective in the sense that I've gone through the "why the hell am I doing this blog thing anyway" stage a number of times. It's a process. A dialogue. It's organic like that. It grows, you grow with it, it provides reflection, yada yada. It is what you want it to be. Yes, there is an intended assumed audience and because of that it's hard sometimes to stay authentic or simply to write because there is always the concern that "yikes, well that's boring or who care's". I've gone through this a lot since becoming a parent because who really care's that my son just figured out how to say a four word sentence. My parents might but who else? I think the trick is simply to write without obligation. Write for yourself mostly. I keep a journal for the gritty stuff but my blog is used when I want to engage in (mostly invisible) conversation. Who are you, what interests you, what do you want to do with your life, what hurts, what makes you angry, sad, happy, your art, your faith. Believe it or not, people will find it interesting (especially if you are interesting..which you are :-). I read this blog http://christinehennessey.blogspot.com/ religiously and Chrissy hardly ever writes about anything specific. She's all across the board on topics. But she keeps people engaged simply because she writes about things that mean something to her. Me, i just love seeing pics of your work. I'm interested in the use of art/writing in the grieving process, or as a general therapy tool. I toyed with the idea of getting an art therapy masters before I got into what I do now so maybe that's why I hang around you online :-). So, I hope you stick around.
Thanks so much! I'm gonna check out that blog... yeah... I think I was also a little pms-y... oops!
But I really appreciate everything that you just wrote... it does help!
actually... i had just started back to school to get my masters in counseling (and then post-masters in art therapy) two weeks before Carter died. I couldn't pull it together enough to go back to school... but i still toy with the idea of getting certified too... i probably will eventually.
thanks again!
r
If I may add to the already thoroughly insightful comments... I read your blog because, as a storyteller, I am a voyeur by nature. I like to read what you're doing, even if it's waiting for new tires, and I like to know what you're thinking, because, well, you think. I like to look at what you're making, because it's stunning. And sometimes I even get to see your pretty face!
I keep a blog because I am a storyteller, and I know that at this particular stage in my life, I'm not going to banging out a great novel anytime soon. But I still like to see my words in print (there's the narcissist part), and have been told by others that they like them too. My current blog (I've deleted three or four over the years) is just a bunch of random, silly stuff that I want to put down. Some of it's heavy, but mostly it's just for fun. Fun! So, blog is not a four letter word. I say, blog on, lady!
I just found your blog because of your mention of...Zumba!!! Ha! I was trying to find one of the songs we dance to in my zumba class and your blog came up. So are u still 'zumba-ing'??
I think I'll catch up on the rest of your entries, I'm interested to see the type of art you create!
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