Sunday, August 22, 2010


I'm not sure when that knot in my stomach, that pain in my chest will go away. It's been almost three years and when I think of C or look at pictures or hear his voice that pain, that kind of pain that hurts so deep, the kind that takes away my breath, comes back.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the nearing of the anniversary. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's lack of sleep. Maybe I'm not as good at the grief thing as I thought. Maybe it'll go away. Maybe it'll never ever go away. Maybe...

I try to stay focused on the present and future... and look back on the past with love. But some times the pain sneaks in. I don't always feel like this. But I have been for the last week or so. I'm sad. I miss Carter and it physically hurts to miss him.

I'm blessed in so many other ways. I know that. I'm blessed to have a partner who understands, who has been there for me, who I trust and love. I'm blessed that son makes me smile and laugh everyday and makes my heart smile.

I don't know why I felt like sharing this tonight. But I did... and now I feel a little bit better.


Anonymous said...

love you girl. you're such a blessing in my life. you've helped me through my grief and i can't express enough love for that. you're a trooper and i can't wait to see you and the ash-monster!

trey kazee said...

i think you nailed it there at the end.

honesty promotes healing - not just honesty about the pain, but also the recognition of your blessings in life and the conflicts therein.

all our best, R. thank you for sharing it with us.

Anonymous said...

sending support, love and good thoughts your way. it is so hard to loose somebody so close. thankyou for sharing it w/ us, keep your head up. - jess

Alyson said...

as a complete stranger I don't know how much comfort this will be but I just wanted you to know that I've been reading your blog for the past three years and can't even begin to imagine the pain and grief you have over Carter's death, but I just wanted you to know I think you are an incredibly strong and brave person for sharing you life.

Beth said...

Hey Ryann,

I knew you ages and ages ago in Southport--I lived just up the street from you on Hulls? (Beth--tallish, one of the few black kids at Dwight, or in town, for that matter.) No worries if you don't remember me.

Anyway, my mom told me to google Jackson, so I did, and then I figured I'd google you to see what you've ben up to. Your blog is lovely, and I just wanted to say so. I recall you as an earnest, creative little kid, and it sounds like that hasn't changed--I have a feeling you can handle whatever comes your way.

chantal said...

Hi. I am also a complete stranger, and have NEVER left random comments on someone's blog before. But since stumbling across your blog, I have been reading, mesmerized.
Although, coming from a stranger, it may not mean much, I do feel inspired to say that I think you are incredibly, brave and strong for not only surviving and flourishing through your pain, but also, writing and publishing it in such an obviously honest way.
I cannot express how truly inspirational your words and work have been for me, and hope you continue to share your journey.
As a side note; i thought you might be interested in this artists work - Amanda Krauss (she also does bird paintings/mixed media);
Thanks :)