I will blog again... but taking a break for now.

So, it looks like I've abandoned this blog. I haven't.

But, I haven't been feeling all that great... I haven't wanted to paint, because that would mean me sitting on the floor.... and I'm 9 months pregnant and that is the last thing I want to do... and I don't want to blog and sound like Debbie Downer... I'd rather wait until I'm on a creative binge again. Soooo, I'm taking a break.

I'm not sure for how long. But, I will be back and blogging soon.

Show Tomorrow!

I'm in Dallas. The opening reception for the show is tomorrow!

Here are the details:

Date: Thursday, August 20, 2009
Time: 8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Magnolia Theatre, upstairs
Address: 3699 McKinney Ave, Dallas, TX
check www.magnoliagallerydallas.com for updates and pictures.

The show runs from August 20th - September 23rd.

I've been moving and haven't had an internet connection.... and haven't made time to blog... but I've gotten a lot of work done since the last time I blogged.

I've changed several of the pieces significantly and I now have 8 pieces on wood, plus the 4 silhouettes on canvas.

I'm actually happy with the work, and it looks great up on the walls! Thanks to Scott and Nicole Horn at Magnolia!!!

bad egg

last night I burned water... and eggs.

I was going to hard boil a few eggs. I put the eggs and water on the stove to boil and then I started to paint...

Drawing patterns and going over patterns is very meditative for me... I started drawing and getting really into it.... so into it that after I was done with the patterns on one painting, I picked up another and did the same thing...

I'm not really sure how many hours had gone by when I heard an explosion in the kitchen... The explosion was the eggs popping open... the yokes popped completely out! There was no water left in the pot... just really stinky burned eggs. Yuck!

The good part of the story is that I am REALLY happy with the way one of the pieces turned out... I tried a new technique and like it so much, I think I may continue to use it.

Here are the two pieces I worked on last night: (they are both 2'x2' on wood) .... and once again they are for my upcoming show at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia Theater) in Dallas, August 20th- Sept. 23rd.



and I've posted this one before- but I finished the background last night.

Hummingbirds

This is a hummingbird that I started today.

Check out this beautiful song that my dear friend Manya, and her band, Blue Petal wrote for me after Carter's death.

It's called "Hummingbird"

You can hear it on my Myspace page.... just a warning: I have not updated my myspace page in ages.

and here is a direct link to Manya's myspace page

And when you fall in love with her music and voice, the CD Blue Petal, Golden Storybook is available on CD Baby and iTunes.

This is a blog that wrote on my myspace page almost two years ago:

October 19th, 2007

why hummingbirds... i don't know. The last night I saw carter i was finishing the 5th of my bird drawings... it was a hummingbird. the other day i found a shirt I bought about a year ago... on it it has a beautiful hummingbird, and underneath that it says 10:30 Sept 2nd. 10:30 pm, is about the time i was finishing my hummingbird drawing, before i met carter out on Sept 2nd... the last time i saw him, since he was killed on the morning of the 3rd. The shirt also says Thurs and A7 - which i don't understand the significance of.

Since then, Manya (Blue Petal), wrote me a beautiful song about hummingbirds, and just today i was given a tail feather of a hummingbird. what is the significance of hummingbirds?

then I found this: Significance of Hummingbirds

"In many traditional cultures of the western world the hummingbird has powerful religious and spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, for example, the hummingbird is taken to be a symbol of resurrection. This is because each hummer becomes lifeless and seems to die on cold nights, but it comes back to life again when the miraculous sunrise brings warmth.

Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one really gets hurt. They teach us simple courage. Andrews says the twittering, vibrating sounds of the hummingbirds bring us an internal masage that restores health and balance.

Hummingbirds also inspire us to protect the environment and to preserve old traditions that are in danger of being lost. When Native American ways were being destroyed by the expanding Euro-American culture, the Ghost-Shirt religion was established to try to bring back the animals and old ways through dancing. The leader of the dance was a hummingbird....

Certainly hummingbird magic is available to all who live in the New World. There is something inside the soul of all of us that wants to soar through sunbeams, then dance midair in a delicate mist, then take a simple bath on a leaf.

There is something in our souls that wants to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, making them freeze in time. There is something in us that wants to fly backwards and savor once more the beautiful past.

Some of us are just hummingbird people."

Maybe I'm a hummingbird person.

If you've read my "bubbles" blog, you know how I feel about bubbles.

Here is a picture I found of a hummingbird with bubbles:



maybe i constantly search for signs.... possibly too much... but it gives me some sense of comfort. I would never have thought, but maybe i'm a "hummingbird person"

blah-blah-bloggy

I need to blah-blah-blog....

But I'm too tired.

I'm covered in blue paint and my back is sore... BUT I feel like I'm getting rid of the artist block... I already sketched out a b-i-g hummingbird on one of my backgrounds.... It's ready to paint tomorrow!

I'm going to make myself do one more... just one more, silhouette... then I will be free as a bird! (okay... it's too late at night for me to be typing and posting stuff online....)

This is what I worked on tonight:



Goodnight!

I'll write more later.

silhouette x4 = creative flow?

This is my 25 week (now 26 wk) belly that keeps getting in the way of serious arts and crafty-ness:



My second day of 4 hours of painting... and guess what?!?! I got blocked!

YUP! Creative constipation... and I was doing so good too... which is when the blockage usually strikes...

When I'm not on a time crunch, I have several methods of de-clogging myself:

1. Sit and stare at my piece for days or weeks at a time.

2. Ask any and everyone I come across what their suggestion would be...

3. Draw patterns.... trace patterns, draw patterns... I'll spend weeks working on tedious intricate patterns that I'll never really use.

4. Paint over what I have and start completely over.


Because I'm on a time crunch... I don't have time for any of the above.

So, I did this instead:

I bought 4 canvases.
I found an image I like.
I decided to paint the silhouette of the image on each canvas in different colors.

I finished one tonight:


I almost gave up on it half way through. But I pushed through... I think 4 of them, in different colors, will look nice hanging together. Plus, I can price them a bit lower... and they're simple. Maybe people will like them... Maybe painting 4 of these will be just the creative deblocker I need to get my flow back. (wow... I'm quite the wordsmith tonight!)

I'm crossing my fingers!

Getting to work

Okay.... Down to the wire... HAVE GOT to get to work!!! Paint paint paint!!!!

My show is August 20th- Sept 23rd at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia theater) in Dallas.

I need to stop thinking and judging so much and just start PAINTING!!!

I've decided to paint at LEAST 4 hours a day for the next 6 days.

The only thing is that now 4 hours is more like 8 hours... because I have to take frequent breaks, and stretch and walk around...

My belly is getting bigger! Sometimes I wish it was detachable.... and I could take it off to sleep and paint.... and then put it back on afterwards.

Tonight I worked mainly on backgrounds....









The last two I need to paint something on.... I'm trying to be more free... and less rigid and I want to stop judging what comes out of me naturally... I need to stop.

I may paint a bit more tonight... just a little more. And then 4 hours tomorrow too!

Presence

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.


This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

screw up

My new favorite album to paint to, that I forgot I bought on iTunes in January, and forgot to listen to: Nouvelle Vague
My new favorite not-new-cover song that I'm listening to over and over again tonight: Making Plans for Nigel by Nouvelle Vague


Sometimes I get scared.

I get scared to put a mark down with paint. I get scared to screw it up. I get so scared that I never even try.

I used to start drawing by closing my eyes and scribbling on paper, and then open them and make something out of the scribble. It always turned out well.... I just went with the flow and worked with the scribble instead of fighting against it. I always knew that if something didn't look right, I could keep working with it until it finally took form.

I've lost that attitude. I need to get it back.

I haven't been happy with these 4 new paintings. They're boring me. They look like something I'd see in a hotel or something. I'm getting bored with them before i finish them...

Something has been keeping me from moving forward... I think I'm too scared to screw them up. Also, I'm being timed... I have to have a certain number of paintings done by a certain date.

So, tonight, I decided I would screw up my paintings a bit... and then work with them.

But that's WAY easier said than done....

But I did add a squiggly background on the hawk.... (I just barely added color to the bird in this one... so it's not even close to looking how it will look.)


This is a close-up

step back

Babies R Us is a scary, scary place. I went there today to register... holy moly.

The woman at the front registry desk was real gruff, smelled like a freshly smoked cigarette and used the word "crap" about 4 times, before explaining the process and the store... and then told me and the other pregnant woman "don't get overwhelmed!"

But she was too late... I was overwhelmed before I even stood up.

It's a really cruel trick of nature that the one time and place where I really need a drink, or shot of tequila, is walking into Babies R Us, pregnant.

There is so much baby paraphernalia... and so many accessories and parts of stuff on stuff that it's like going to another planet. ... pure and utter culture shock.... Monkeys or Dinosaurs? Green or Blue? Boppys or Breast Friends.... Jumpers or Bouncers.... YIKES.

I did my best... my sister came and offered moral support... when I got stuck in a rut, unable to decide between the red car or the blue car onesie, she was able to pull me out by reminding me that it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory... a well deserved treat. ... followed by a 4 hour nap.

Tonight, I had the treehouse (garage apt) to myself. I try, I really do try to paint with and in front of other people... but I'm not good at it... I think it's a self-confidence thing... or something. I don't mind posting pictures of my work in-progress and on the web... but trying to paint with someone else in the room is hard for me... I can't seem to get into a flow state unless I'm alone. Tonight I was alone, and I flowed until my hips couldn't take it anymore!

I did these guys on the yellow background... I was planning to do a hummingbird... but changed my mind... and they're not flying (I changed my mind again).


Part of the reason why I post pictures of my work in progress, is so I can see them with new eyes. Sometimes, when I'm working on a piece so closely, I lose touch with the piece itself... So, the process of taking a photo, editing the photo to make it look more like the piece, posting the picture, writing about the piece and reading the finished post, helps me to step back and see the piece from a distance... sometimes it helps me immediately identify what is bugging me about the piece...

like this one:

The bird is looking a little better... but his mouth needs some work still... also, I changed part of the pattern to blue... The blue is too light of a light blue... it needs something a little darker.

making some progress.

I did swim.... and I did manage to get enough motivation together to paint.

I've been a pretty timid painter this time. Maybe because I'm on a time crunch... but I'm having a difficult time actually putting paint down and lines down. I think I've developed some sort of fear of drawing. I used to draw all of the time, now, I get anxious when I'm about to draw. I need to work on that. I've gotta draw more often.

I filled in the bird on green... and then outlined him.



Then, I colored turquoise behind this hawk sketch. The color looks strange because of the lighting.... but it's really one solid turquoise color. I started to stencil pattern behind him, and then stopped. I'm not sure how much stenciling I'll be doing this time around.



Oh.... and This is one of my favorite things:

What's cuter than a panda sneezing?!? really?!?

I think I can.

I will paint today. I will, I will.

I haven't painted in a few days... part of me has a laid back "it will get done" attitude, and the other part of me is freaking out, pulling my hair out and wants to scream at the laid back part of me...

I have a big... and I mean B-I-G next two months: Show and Move.

I'm already starting to over-think and trying to get too crafty with the paintings I'm doing. I need to get them out first and think second.

I'm going to paint... but first, I think I might swim... it IS 110 degrees today.

Getting Warmer

One big difference in how I blogged before, and how I'm going to blog from now on: I'm not going to blog EVERY day. I'd ideally like to blog 4-5 days a week... but not 7. I'm glad to be out of the vicious cycle of blogger's guilt!

This holiday weekend was fun.. but HOT!!! It is too hot in Texas. Triple digits = ridiculous! I need to find a pool and park my butt in it for the the next two months.

I've been sitting outside on my computer... a cockroach just flew up and landed on my head... I threw it off... I'm proud of myself that I didn't freak out.. run downstairs and start pouring bleach on myself ... or something like that... maybe being around so many bugs last summer was good for me after all...

I did work on my paintings this weekend:

This painting was a STRUGGLE. I fought the wood and the wood fought the paint... finally I painted a very thick layer of Acrylic medium over it... I hope that will make things a lot easier.



I like this painting of a Bohemian Waxwing... but something is bugging me... I think the painting is too gray. I would like to add some texture and pattern around him... but right now I'm unsure about what colors to use. I need to add a little more yellow and red on him... I really like these birds and their coloring, so I may be painting a few of them. He's far from done...


This next piece is a generic "bird"

I gessoed parts of the bird ... but so far this wood has also been a bit difficult to work on... even though it was primered. More Acrylic Matte Medium!



I like the pattern down one side... but I'm not sure I'm liking the background color... not yet.

I've also painted another board YELLOW! and of course I LAYERED the Acrylic Matte Medium over the yellow immediately! I want to paint a HUGE hummingbird on it.

It's been a while since I've painted.... so the flow has yet to come... but hopefully if I keep plugging away at it, it'll happen when I'm least expecting it!

I was having trouble applying paint on the wood.. even after I primed the boards... I couldn't get a clear line and it was just a struggle getting the paint where i wanted it. I used the matte medium over the first bird... it dries clear... but i plan to paint on top of it.

From now on, I'm going to paint an under coat of the matte medium.... but i know you can mix it with paint, and paint over and under. it gives a much smoother surface than gesso.

One Lesson learned: Acrylic Matte Medium is my FRIEND! a much better friend than Gesso, fo' sho!

Don't call it a comeback!

I'm baaack!

The last several months I've been working on life-stuff, rather than art-stuff...

I started this blog so everyone would know where I was... and what I was doing. But, after a certain point, I decided that I don't always want everyone to know everything. My private life has to stay private... So, now I'm back. And we'll see what happens now...

I'm in Austin, and at the end of August, I'm having my first SOLO show in Dallas at the Magnolia Gallery. I have some older pieces that I may put in the show, but I REALLY want to get some new paintings done and up. I've decided to paint birds in flight... (maybe because I've been moving so much... hmmm?? or things are changing so fast??)

I went to Home Depot and bought 6 2ftx2ft pieces of wood, and I set up a studio in the corner of the room (and I've already turned it into a mess).



I thought getting to work would be much easier... but I'm in my 6th month of pregnancy and it's getting harder and harder to move around like I'm used to. Sitting on the floor is something I can only do in small increments... and overall, I'm just not as graceful as I used to be... not that I was really "graceful" before... but now I'm really clumsy and awkward... and make a lot of grunting noises when I move.. and my hips hurt and back hurts... and .... okay.... I'll stop now.

I've had to use much more Gesso on these boards than I have in the past. My idea is to do one bird on each... so far, this is what I've got:





Not much to look at... just the background colors and a couple of sketches. But at least I'm back and working again... I haven't got into my flow yet... but I feel it coming!

Here's something else that is really cool!

A cicada, coming out of its shell on our porch! I've seen a lot of cicadas (the plague in NC last summer), but never watched one hatch...

Zippy

That is a collage I made for Steve, for his birthday... See, even though I've been slacking on blogging, I haven't been slacking creatively... at least, not too bad...

So, I'm in Austin. I gave up trying to find work for SXSW. There are TONS of volunteers... so many people will volunteer to work to get in to see the shows.... and then there's me, who really doesn't care all that much to go see the shows... I just wanna get paid.
SXSW has started here... and there is music everywhere. I also underestimated how big this festival has gotten.

I'm going to visit Cas tomorrow... I'll be gone till Tuesday. It'll be nice to get out of this craziness for a few days...

The last two or three days I've been walking around with my zipper down... Not on purpose... but every time I look down, my zipper's down... I'm not sure how this is happening... Either, I'm forgetting to zip... or the zippers are failing... but it's two separate pairs of jeans... and i've been a good zipper for a long time, why would I all of a sudden forget to zip?!?

Carter's CD

Carter Albrecht
Jesus Is Alive... and Living in London

Carter's CD (Jesus is Alive... and Living in London) is now out, on iTunes... :)

The official release date is coming soon.

To anyone who hasn't heard it: It is truly amazing. Carter comes through so much, and so honestly throughout the entire CD... I'm so glad it is out... and soon to be officially released, so other people can discover Carter and his music.

So, Check it out... and spread the word.... This album is his beautiful voice, and deserves to be heard... just like he wanted it to be...

Blogger's Guilt

So.... I've got a case of "Blogger's Guilt".... in a bad way.... and it's just a vicious cycle: I feel bad for not blogging, so I avoid blogging, so then I feel worse about not blogging... so then I avoid it even more.....

So, I need to start posting stuff.... daily, again....

Last week, I came back to Austin... My move into the apartment was put on hold.... so I came here to get a job, and start working.

Then, last weekend, I got sick... AGAIN. Not the same stomach flu.... but the achy, tired, feverish stuff... Finally, today I'm feeling better.

I have started working on some small, cut and paste collages that are 4"x4" :





.... and I bought a little sewing kit too.... so I can stitch a bit...

This week, I'm feeling better, so I'm definitely looking for work... A lot of the SXSW jobs I've come across don't pay money... but pay in wristbands.... I'd rather be paid in money...

okay.... now I feel a lot less guilty.... :)

flu miserables....

Just a few pics from Mardi Gras....

Mr Peanut


I went to a party where some girls were painting coconuts for the Zulu parade... Zulu is on Mardi Gras Day, and they throw coconuts... and it's pretty cool to catch one.... I was excited to paint one!




This Friday, I went to go see Les Miserables with my family at the Midland Community Theater...

It was great! I love the music from Les Mis..... My parents used to play soundtracks from Broadway musicals when I was growing up... so it's music I grew up too... I learned bad words from Les Mis.... ha! (funny, but true....)

I remember, when I was about 8, my parents were having a pool party... and I called someone (jokingly) a "bastard!".... the next thing I remember is my parents taking me inside and questioning me.... where had I learned that word? who told me that word? etc..... well, It was from Les Mis. but until that point, I didn't know it was a bad word...

I'm glad I was able to keep myself from singing along... I'd really like to go to a sing-a-long Les Mis show... :)

Afterwards.... I was feeling great... took Grandma home.... got back to the house and *BAM* .... I didn't feel good.... at all..... so much so, that I walked down to the foot of the stairs and yelled "Mom! MOm! MOMMM!!"
"What Ryann?"
"Mom, I don't feel good......" jeez.... I just turned 29... and I sounded like I was 9..... then I walked upstairs to try to go to bed....

But I had the flu.... the 24hr... knock-you-down-and-drag-you-out kinda flu.....

that sucked....

I'm finally starting to feel better.... but kinda loopy....

back from nola

Well, I'm back...

I had a great b-day and fun Mardi Gras...

We were going to be the unicorns- Feathers, Cadillac, and Tom Cruise- from "Planet Unicorn" (ridiculous cartoon show on youtube... but the theme song is hysterical!)..



And some one sent me a link to "How to create a Unicorn costume"... that is really funny.... I love how it says: You'll feel like a powerful and enchanted mythic being in this unicorn costume. But, I never got the chance to make the horns.... So, the plan changed to (as always...) just look as ridiculous as possible on Mardi Gras day)...

I did buy a BEAUTIFUL mask that I wore... It is by an artist based in NY, Wendy Drolma... and I HAD to have it, because she is an amazing artist... and because it reminded me so much of the moths I had been painting... she even called the style "Luna".... but said they are butterfly masks... not moths...

This is a pic from Mardi Gras day that I really like... I have no clue who is in the pic with me... but I do like this photo a lot!




I'm in full process of planning... I need to get to Austin, and to work, on my own work and side jobs if necessary.

I have serious "not-updating-web-site" guilt! but I have sold a few prints through my web site lately... but still... I've gotta understand the online world much better.... how to market and stuff...

This was a quick update... it's nice to be back with Dylan... who is snoring right by my foot right now...

plans

Well, as I know all too well... as much as you can plan something out... nothing is guaranteed...

Some unforeseen money issues have come up and will hopefully be unfrozen "in the foreseeable future" .... whatever that direct quote means.... I'm not sure.... but the damage (not just to me) is done... and it's sad... Our financial system is so screwed up that people can get away with ripping off innocent people... It's so ridiculous... What's even stranger is: about a month ago I had a dream where no one could get money out of banks... and cards didn't work... then cash... It was just a scary dream.... but now I feel like I'm watching it actually happen....

So, I may or may not be able to move into the apt. in Austin... Which would have been next week...

I'm still planning to move there... maybe to a different place, maybe not, maybe later, maybe not... I don't know... I'm tired... I felt like all signs were steering me there... maybe they still are.... I'm sick of guessing.

I'm still going to New Orleans tomorrow. I'll be celebrating my Lundi Gras b-day with good friends, who I haven't seen in a long time. I'm looking forward to having fun, before coming back to figure out what I can with this mess....

Earworm

The songs that seem to come out of nowhere... and get stuck in your head....

This is one that's my most recent earworm


RUBBER RING
by The Smiths


A sad fact widely known
The most impassionate song
To a lonely soul
Is so easily outgrown
But dont forget the songs
That made you smile
And the songs that made you cry
When you lay in awe
On the bedroom floor
And said : oh, oh, smother me mother...
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...

The passing of time
And all of its crimes
Is making me sad again
The passing of time
And all of its sickening crimes
Is making me sad again
But dont forget the songs
That made you cry
And the songs that saved your life
Yes, youre older now
And youre a clever swine
But they were the only ones who ever stood by you

The passing of time leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled (the passing ...)
The passing of time
Leaves empty lives
Waiting to be filled
Im here with the cause
Im holding the torch
In the corner of your room
Can you hear me ?
And when youre dancing and laughing
And finally living
Hear my voice in your head
And think of me kindly
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...
No ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring

Do you
Love me like you used to ?
Oh ...
Rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring, rubber ring
La ...

Youre clever
Everybodys clever nowadays
Youre clever
Everybodys clever nowadays

You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping
You do not want to believe
You are sleeping

steppin'

Knowing that I'm moving soon makes it harder to be "present" or stay in the present.....

No wonder moving is so stressful on people.... you have to plan for the future.... not just plan... but expect the plan to materialize...

Yesterday I bought two books...

One is The Pocket Guide to Insects.... very interesting... lots of butterflies and moths... no Luna moths though.... which is just a damn shame.... also, the title of the book suggests that you could put it in your pocket.... but it's actually WAY bigger than pocket size....

The other one is "the Twelve Steps for Anyone.... who really wants them"..... reading through that made me question if I'd been neglecting my spiritual health.... it's all moving's fault anyways... :)

But really.... I haven't felt as "connected" as I usually do.... and I know that that comes in waves.... maybe I'm in the ebb rather than flow.... or maybe I haven't been paying as much attention as I usually do.....

I honestly think the world would be a much safer, peaceful and happier place if everyone would work the 12-steps... not necessarily for a substance addiction..... but the more common addiction to ego, and the physical and material world....

Another "Notes to Self"

I'm back in Midland, but I've spent the last few weeks in Austin, "feeling it out"... but not ready to make a commitment to moving... I guess I was waiting for my pumpkin to be turned into a carriage or something.... but then, it was brought to my attention..... and I realized: I have to decide.... make a decision even if it's scary and there is no fairy godmother involved.....

So, I found a place, in Austin.... In the neighborhood I like.... its a SMALL studio apartment.... (400 sq ft).... but you know what? I don't need "stuff".... there's NO safety in objects... Or ideas, plans or people... so I think this will be a good thing for me..

i'm back in Midland now.... with my pups.. and family....

My B-day is on Lundi Gras this year.... so, my parents used their airline credits and (AWWWWW YEAH) I'm headed down to NOLA for Carnival time! It'll be good.... I haven't seen my friends there in years.... and Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday.... i just don't know what I should be (costume-wise)..... We'll see.... I'm excited to go there!

Soooo... Since it's late and I'm tired...

I thought I'd do another "notes to self" segment..... (the random notes I write myself on my phone.... but I usually forget I wrote):

50
Arachnidiot: A person who accidentally wanders into an "invisible" spider web and begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

(yes I've done that.... and seen others do it too.... I copied this down from the Galaxy Cafe)

Hawaii
(seen in Kauai)

Mele Kalikimaka

"Drifted objects tumbled pieces of life, only the strongest reach the shore to be found and transformed, abstract representations of life lived." (quote from an artist at Little Tsunami Tattoo)

I Need

Someone to tell me to "go to bed" at a decent hour.... Being a night person has its darkside, especially when you're trying to live on the light side. Some hate the moon.... I tend to lean towards the side that hates the sun...f mornings!!!

Is it possible?
If i sleep in my scarf, could I accidentally strangle myself in my sleep?

Love:
I'm in love:
With what love gives
and what it takes.
Giving myself love,
Giving to love...
In the end:
It all goes back to love....
We all return to love.....

Nothing:
I don't have anything earth-shattering to say;
Nothing amazing to say...
I just have my thoughts,
my voice,
my one voice in the sea of billions,
my one voice in the history of trillions
of life stories.....
past, present, future...

One More
One more cigarette.
One more time.
One more minute.
One more chance to say what I wanted to.....
What I meant to.
Just one more.
.... and then another one.

What?!
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What?
Sorry, I don't hear well....
....{these are} conversations i have.....

Peaceful Place

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

25 things

call me lazy.... or whatever.... but i feel like i should blog... because i haven't lately.... and i posted this on face book... so I thought I'd post it here too..


25 Random Things


1. I'm addicted to Soy Chai Lattes (not a cheap addiction)

2. When the Starbucks employees started to greet me with, "Hi Ryann, Soy Chai?" I decided to start going to another Starbucks... I was not comfortable knowing they had caught on to my addiction.

3. I like to make stuff... like art stuff... I also break stuff.. but dont really like breaking stuff...

4. I carry around a big purse... and it's usually filled with rocks, and other random things I find on the ground... sometimes my purse full of rocks is super heavy...

5. My middle name is Suzanne, but not pronounced like you'd think... it's pronounced the Louisiana way.. the French way... and it bugs me when people argue that with me...

6. I have the largest key ring ever, and I can still not find my keys... ever!

7. I like painting birds and insects.... and I like the symbolism and mythology behind them, and how beautiful they are... but I don't want to touch a bird or an insect.... ewwww... so, i'm not really the "bird" person people think I am....

8. i know the lyrics to Warren G "Regulators" .... and have NO problem showing off and rapping it when ever... sometimes even out of the blue.

9. I don't know where I'm "from".... I moved my whole life... and obviously continue to..

10. my parents are from Louisiana (NOLA and BR), but I was born in Stavanger, Norway.

11. born in norway, then moved to Jakarta, and then moved to Medan (both Indonesia), then to Connecticut, then to Bakersfield, CA, then back to Stavanger, norway... then to Houston, Then to Midland (my senior year of highschool), then to Austin, then to Louisiana, Then back to houston, then to Dallas, now i'm floating... between Midland and Austin... about to move back to Austin.

12. I blog: http://ryannontheroad.blogspot.com

13. I need to update my web site but I have one: www.ryannrathbone.com

14. Sometimes I talk, and it makes a lot of sense in my own head... but doesn't make sense coming out of my mouth.

15. I hate talking on the phone

16. i love my family and friends... I have the greatest family and friends... who've helped me soooo much, especially since Carter's death.

17. I love driving on long road trips... even by myself... actually, especially by myself.

18. My favorite words to say are: giggle, and zombies!

19. I've taken my LSAT and my GRE... but have yet to really go to law school or grad school

20. I'm TERRIBLE at math! on my GRE only %5 of people scored below me on the math part (compared to %90 on the verbal and writing parts)... but in college I ROCKED statistics... I have no idea how... but statistics clicked... but simple math, and algebra and the rest just scramble my brain.

21. I have a doggie named Dylan, who is 9 and who I always thought was a weimaraner until I met a "blue lacy" which is the state dog of texas... now I'm not so sure he's a full weimaraner.... I feel like he's lied to me the last 9 years.... maybe i should return him for a REAL weimaraner.... (okay... TOTALLY kidding about the returning him part.)

22. I leave a trail of stuff behind me and don't even realize it...

23. My favorite number ever is 23

24. the last year and a half, I've only worn 3 pair of shoes... uggs, crocks and birkenstocks... all three brands that i always SWORE i'd never wear.

25. I'm obsessed with fake mustaches!

Gathering information

Yesterday, I looked at studio space here in Austin...

I loved it! The web site is pumpproject.org

My friend Anne's husband is a very talented jewelry designer, and he rents space there. His web site is limbojewelry.com,

I also met an artist who does mixed media. This is his website's link jhaleyarts.com .... Since I also like to use found objects, mixed media and found surfaces, I talked to him for a while... I really like his work... and processes... it was great to talk to him, and find out how he was getting certain effects and different processes...

Everyone there was very nice.

So... that's an option...

I also talked to a friend of Steve Collins last night... she's working on a book right now... she gave me some great advice and is going to email me a book proposal form for me to use...

I talked to her about the Big Bend book... and then I told her about the other book I want to write... pretty much a raw look at my journal entries and my art and how they both evolved during my grieving process... She strongly suggested that I work on the art/grief book first...

I'd like to, but it still seems so raw... and sometimes like it's still unfinished because I'm still in the process, sometimes it seems so far away, and yet some of the emotions are still raw... but maybe she's right...

I also met up with Rev and talked to him about getting hooked up in the marketing loop here in Austin. It's doable... and he has his other company pictureperfecteventco.com which is a full service company for events... nationwide. I'm looking forward to working with him....

So, a lot to do... more to do... I'm still at the gathering information stage... all's great though... things seem to be coming together more and more...

Chillin' at the holiday inn.....

I've had a lot of dreams where a mattress played a big roll.... one time I flew out of a window on a mattress... another time I took a pic with my cell of a burning mattress to send to Kel.... So i looked up what dreaming of mattresses means....

"Mattress

To dream of a mattress, denotes that new duties and responsibilities will shortly be assumed."

Okay... so that maybe pretty accurate...

Cassie and I had a blast this weekend. It was so good to see her... We had a great time and laughed a lot! We always do... and she loves Austin so much, she's most probably likely to move here too! yay!

We also decided to tell everyone that we were gonna watch the "big basketball game" (the super bowl).... my dad thought I really didn't know that the Super Bowl wasn't basketball... I think he wanted to commit me... ha! but now he knows that it was a joke...

.... but we didn't watch it at all! We relaxed at the lakehouse, cass made dinner and her parents drove over to meet us and have dinner with us... I'll post more pics and stories later...

We spent two nights at the Intercontinental in Austin... and one night at the lakehouse.... then her flight was cancelled yesterday, because a woman on the plane had a panic attack and used 3 of the 5 oxygen tanks on the plane.... so she was put up at the Holiday Inn... "whatcha doin?" "Chillin' at the holiday innnnn...." Funny because we'd been singing that song all weekend!

So, now i'm in Austin, trying to get some networking done and getting the ball rolling on my move here...

So much to think about... so many options... I've gotta get them narrowed down....

okay... off to returning calls and emails... and every other form of communication via technology....

"Stop rhyming I mean it!" "anybody want a peanut?"

So, I've been in Midland this week... I haven't really felt like blogging.

But, I've gotten a lot done... not art-wise, but more catching-up-on-correspondence-and-stuff-wise.

I leave for Austin tomorrow morning, and will pick up Cas in the afternoon... I'm so excited!

I'll try my best to blog from Austin.

Then, after she leaves Monday, I'm going to start networking, looking for job opportunities, housing possibilities... all of the above.... I just want to make sure I don't just move and lose focus on my main goals.

I wanna make art, and I wanna write... and do that as my living... those are my goals...

So, with that said... I'm going to bed... but before that (and on a COMPLETELY different subject):

Did you know that nothing rhymes with orange?! nothing in the English language.... weird...

When I Googled that, just to make sure it was true, I came across an amazing web site: Flocabulary "Hip Hop in the Classroom"....

For Realz yo!

but there are other words that have nothing that rhyme with them too (as the link will show you):

silver, purple, month, ninth, pint, wolf, opus, dangerous, marathon and discombobulate.

Of course I spent hours trying to find rhymes for each of them... in my head... and, No, I don't consider that a waste of time...

Like, Purple.... I think "verbal" kinda rhymes...

My favorite alternative rhyming example that flocabulary gives is:

discombobulate - the disco they love to hate, Crisco ovulate, risky even on a date, Sisqo's rollerblades

"sisqo's rollerblades" ?!? what!??

but I DO love "the disco they love to hate" and (this one is GENIUS) "Crisco ovulate".....

...don't worry if it makes sense... just make it rhyme every time...

G'night.... pics and updates from this austin trip soon!

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

Change.

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...


A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland

Yesterday

Everything at The Gypsy Wagon went well yesterday. After so much freaking out, I woke up yesterday morning and finally chilled out. I had a lot to do... Go pick up prints and scans from Thomas Reprographics and prints at the other printing place... But, I finally let go of how I expected things to go... and just let things happen...

And everything went great!

Thank you so much to everyone who came out! It was so good to see everyone!

I sold a few prints... We left my work up for today... and I'll pick up some of it to bring back to Midland with me tomorrow.

Here's a piece that got a good response from, that I haven't posted on my blog before (or at least not in a long time)


Thanks so much to Carley, Johnny, Lauren and everyone else who helped and came out.

:)

I was SOOO tired last night... I was trying to make it to the Granada Theater last night... but I was so tired, I could barely stand... I came back to Sara's and slept for 15 hours... and it felt GOOD!

Trials and Errors

Crazy day!

I'm in Dallas. Met with the scanner.... then the printer....

I started to freak out and tried to call Carley about tomorrow's show at The Gypsy Wagon, but couldn't get ahold of her... She was very pregnant. That's why we decided to do the show this weekend and not any later...

I couldn't get ahold of her because she had her baby today! He decided he wanted an early arrival. I'm so happy for she and her husband. I talked to them on the phone and they sound excited and great! ... I felt bad asking her about the show... and what to do, and how to price and everything.... just even bringing it up today.... She won't be able to be there tomorrow... I'm really happy for them... everything will go fine tomorrow.... (I'm trying to convince myself)

Just a little while ago, I began finishing another piece..... DISASTER!

I dropped it and it cracked.... quite a bit.... but I'm using lacquer to seal the cracks., and I'm crossing my fingers that that will work.... So I started to work on the background.... and lacquer the paper to the piece of glass I'm going to attach to the back of the other piece... I wouldn't stick! not at all! UGH!

So frustrating!

So now I've got a board and an axe on the board holding it down, so hopefully it will stick... If not, I'm taking that axe to the whole thing!


I no patience waiting for things to dry (like glue, lacquer.... even paint).... I've said this before: when I'm making art, I'm all about instant gratification.

Lacquer takes a L-O-N-G time to dry... that's why I'm inside blogging.... releasing a little frustration and taking up time, so I don't just sit there and stare at it....

I really don't want to lose this piece... I like this piece... I'm really hoping what I'm doing now will fix it.

hello.... goodnight

My mind is going crazy.... I'm tired but cant sleep...

I hope I have everything together for Friday... I didn't paint today... I picked up my prints and bought some frames and worked to put some of the finishing touches on a few pieces... I still have more to do..

It's not that it's a big show... it's gonna be very laid back, just more of a preview and meet and greet... but, I'm trying to get so much done.... because after this weekend I start to look for a place to live and a job of some sort in Austin.

I also have my first solo show at the Magnolia Gallery in Dallas this summer! YAY!

so, I'd like to have some work finished for that show... because after I move (and I'm working and getting settled and adjusted and all of that fun stuff), I don't know where I'll be able to paint.... I'm thinking too far ahead.... Sometimes I've gotta just pull myself back into the present...

okay... back.

We have a new president!!! America just became a much cooler country!

Alright, goodnight!

Moth balls? no....

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time



This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)


Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....



there's more...

Ahhhhh.... much better...

YAY!

i've finally gotten into the "flow" and I'm making stuff that I LIKE and finishing it! wow.... it's been a long time... or at least it feels like it's been a long time since I've done that...

Today, I put the encaustics, wax and collage stuff away, and broke out the acrylic paints.... good ol' trusty acrylics....

And i finished the chandelier:


(I think it looks better in real life than this pic... but that's just my opinion)

and, on the piece that I collaged the hexagon dress patterns, I decided I wanted a moth... (I've had a love for moths since this summer in North Carolina... I like them so much better than butterflies...)... not just any moth, but one of the silk worm moths... so using these "mothels" (okay... bad joke...).... I used these moths to model my moth after:


And this is what it looked like in process:


I still have more work to do.... I'm trying to keep it somewhat transparent... using very watered down paints... but I also want it to be bright... it could take a while:


Both pieces are about 24"x24"..... so i'm also glad that I have work that's larger than I usually do...

I also am high on the feeling of accomplishment (meaning: actually finishing a piece that I like).....

And i like both pieces.... and I like them enough to where I don't really care if I'm the only person in the world who likes them... (of course I want other people to like them), but they say what I want them to say... and mean something to me... and I like them... and that feels fantastic!



I watched the first American Idol tonight... I love that show!


Another show I love is the Daily Show... This episode (before "super tuesday" in 2000) is appropriate, for several reasons:

a. this is before Bush became President... and right now he's about to become a former President

b. This is about Midland (where I am now)

c. This is about Cooties... and unless you're vaccinated (circle circle dot dot)... you may be infected ... although boys are at a higher risk for cooties than girls are....

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Cootie Scandal

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

Saturday night

some ideas are worth listening to.

the story about changing the one thing on a painting that your most attached to.... yeah, that works... at least I feel like it did...

i felt so much more free, and wasn't thinking or judging everything once i tried that...

the chandelier painting now has a WAYS to go.... but looks like this:


I re-painted the background, and then painted a big chandelier.... I may make it more red... not sure... I used to have a red chandelier in my old house.... Now it's the focus and not an element that's in the way... At least I'm more happy with it...

and the one that I thought I was too attached to the background.... well, I think I was most attached to the tree that was on it.... so I took that tree off and replaced it with this one:


And then I tried something new.... (I got this idea from another artist at Penland), I painted the board blue, black and off-white and then took a sewing pattern and cut it in to hexagon shapes an pasted them on with Matte Medium:




I haven't touched the painting with the girl yet.... but I feel like I'm on a roll... Everything seems much more organic, and flow-like, rather than me trying to force everything to come together.... and that wasn't working. at all.

oh yeah....

Last night, I decided I wanted to take a well-deserved break, and watch Saturday Night Live... I was looking forward to vegging out in front of the TV for an hour... I NEVER watch TV... But, instead of some hit-or-miss funny SNL, there was a 3 hour telethon instead! NOOO! This is what I was staring at in disbelief instead of SNL:


so, not cool... To quote a friend: "That's UN-American, well, kinda."

I heard it wasn't all that funny last night anyways... maybe the telethon incident was more entertaining in the long run...

back to work....