Gathering information

Yesterday, I looked at studio space here in Austin...

I loved it! The web site is pumpproject.org

My friend Anne's husband is a very talented jewelry designer, and he rents space there. His web site is limbojewelry.com,

I also met an artist who does mixed media. This is his website's link jhaleyarts.com .... Since I also like to use found objects, mixed media and found surfaces, I talked to him for a while... I really like his work... and processes... it was great to talk to him, and find out how he was getting certain effects and different processes...

Everyone there was very nice.

So... that's an option...

I also talked to a friend of Steve Collins last night... she's working on a book right now... she gave me some great advice and is going to email me a book proposal form for me to use...

I talked to her about the Big Bend book... and then I told her about the other book I want to write... pretty much a raw look at my journal entries and my art and how they both evolved during my grieving process... She strongly suggested that I work on the art/grief book first...

I'd like to, but it still seems so raw... and sometimes like it's still unfinished because I'm still in the process, sometimes it seems so far away, and yet some of the emotions are still raw... but maybe she's right...

I also met up with Rev and talked to him about getting hooked up in the marketing loop here in Austin. It's doable... and he has his other company pictureperfecteventco.com which is a full service company for events... nationwide. I'm looking forward to working with him....

So, a lot to do... more to do... I'm still at the gathering information stage... all's great though... things seem to be coming together more and more...

Learning marketing, the cyber-savvy way

I thought I knew marketing... I thought I knew networking.... I thought I understood the online world of both.... Then, today, I met Damien Franco... His blog is www.yourphototips.com... and he totally schooled me!

I wish I'd had taken notes the whole time... I learned so much from him... from Flickr groups, to tags, to linking to someone's site so that they link back to yours... So much information that my head is still spinning! I was basically in awe, sitting there like, "teach me your ways, wise one." Thank you so much Damien! I'm looking forward to meeting up with him and his wife this weekend!

I'm tired or I'd have checked out some of the web sites he referred me to... and would write a lot more... but, (like I said) I'm tired... so I will later...

I did check out Blurb.com today... I'm gonna try to put a portfolio/book together... but my scans aren't ready yet... hopefully they'll be done tomorrow.

I did go to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff to collage with... even though it's really cool stuff, I kinda wanna kick myself for adding more options for me to use... I should just work with the stuff I already have... But the new stuff is SOOO cool! And on SALE!
I bought this bag of fall stuff, with leaves:


and Squirrels! SQUIRRELS!


The leaves may or may not go on that piece... the squirrels definitely won't ... I just wanted to check out all of the fun new crap I bought!

I also moved the moth and doily aside and tried this on the clover background:


And I bought WHITE india ink! I wanted to use it to brighten up that collage piece that has been fighting me.... and it worked... except for I accidentally put too much on the angel's face and erased it's features. I'll have to go back in and fix that:


A lot of just trial and error... and moving things around...

Oh! and I've had these gold frames for a while... (two of them) and in the same bag with the squirrels and leaves there were two trees.. Just an idea:


Okay... I'm really tired... going riding again tomorrow... and then I'm going to checkout all the websites and info I learned... Maybe I'll even start to use Flickr the right way!

My not-so-"elegant" creative process

I stayed up too late last night... My time schedule is OFF...

I wish I was a morning person... I've always wanted to be a morning person... but I'm not. I've never been one. Actually, I've been known to be such an awful morning (or just waking up) person, that my siblings won't even try to wake me up...

I'm a night person... I'm more creative at night... I work better in the late afternoon and on... I don't know why... It's just how I am.

I went horseback riding this afternoon... luckily, I wasn't the only one who was out-of-shape... The horse I rode, Molly, had been taking it easy over the holidays too... We were quite a pair.... lazy horse meets out-of-shape rider (me).... I'm going again on Thursday... maybe we'll both be better by then.

I took 7 of my new paintings to Reynolds Brothers (a reprographics place in Midland), they were very nice.... I'm having one of each piece printed on canvas... I'm not sure how the encaustics are going to look printed... but I can always paint on the canvas too.

Then I did a little shopping: vellum, india ink (which works on wax- much better than black acrylic paint), iron-on paper for t-shirts (I can put the sheets in my printer)..... I'm not sure if the iron-ons will work when I try to iron them on wax... but it can't hurt to try... I also bought some fantastic new colors of Sharpies that I've never seen before!

I'm a little sad that I'm so excited that Sharpie has new colors, like Pomegranate and Earl Grey... but I'm very excited!

Then I went home and went to work.... I mainly worked on that one collage that I couldn't stand yesterday..... after many different tries with different ideas, this is what it looks like now:


There is too much of the wax medium on it... so it looks cloudy in places... and I'm going to add white in areas to brighten it up.... but i'm starting to like it a lot better.

I pretty much only worked on that piece...

But I moved the moth (that I love SO much) around some more. I also seem to really like that doily too... I don't know why though, I think it's ugly. Maybe the moth likes it!.... the chandelier, doily and the moth are just placed on this background... It's how I try an idea before I commit to putting them on the background... I like to move stuff around to see what it could look like:



and then I played with this piece a bit too... I LOVE the background and the tree (I maybe a little too attached to them), but I placed a sparrow drawing I did last year, and a butterfly on it...



and then I thought, it might be cool to do something with the moon cycle.... I'd cut out the moons, of course.....



That's how I work... I place things, and then stare at them forever, then change my mind... and then place something else and stare at it, and then change my mind.... i wish I had a more "elegant" technique... but, alas.... i don't....

I'm working on moving to Austin... more opportunities for me there... and it's close to Dallas, still close to family, and I have friends there... After I get all this stuff done for The Gypsy Wagon show on the 23rd, I'll work on it more... but I did send out my resume today... I want to write... or get back in contract work and field marketing for a bit, so I can still work on my art and writing.

Indian feast

Last night, kel cooked a delicious Indian feast!


My favorite was the coconut chutney she made... and she said she had to "wing it"... It was sooo delicious...

Indian food is probably my favorite food on the planet... I don't share my Chicken Tikka Masala well... at all... I LOVE all kinds of Indian food... yum! (now I'm hungry again).

We wore our saris kel brought back...


The sari (or saree ... i'm not sure how to spell it) is 6 meters of fabric! Which is 19.5 ft of fabric!!! that is a lot of fabric! Under the Sari, you wear a long skirt and a belly shirt... and then you take all 6 meters of fabric and start wrapping... and then folding and tucking and wrapping and folding and tucking again... Indian women do this with no problem... even using one hand for the folds...



kelly learned how in India, but then needed a refresher course, and B's friend's mother is Indian, and showed Kel again...

The saris kel brought back are beautiful... I wish I could wear a sari and bindi everyday! I told kel that some one should invent a sari that's already got all of the folds that you could slip on...

At the end of the night, I tried to fold it to hang it... and I got my dad to help me.. and it took us two tries to fold it!

Kelly did henna....


and then we ate and they narrated their pictures from the trip....

Kelly and Matt were in Mumbai, but left before the attacks... and stayed in a different part of India until the attacks stopped and things were more under control, before going back to Mumbai and then flying back to the states... that was a scary time..

We had a great night last night... I drank wine... and didn't even have a panic attack... so hopefully I'm done with those!

I'm not sure if we're leaving for the lakehouse today or tomorrow... we'll spend NYE there, together...

more holidaze...

Doggie Christmas! Jake (top) and Dylan (bottom) loved their Christmas presents... Jake's didn't last very long... Dylan fell asleep under the table guarding his!


So we've all been together since the 23rd... When I flew in from Hawaii... and Kel flew in from Maine... talk about the opposite sides of the US... probably as opposite as you can get...

We all went to Christmas Eve service together, and sang hymns at church.... J and Dad were having a sing-off on one side of the pew.... and on the other side, Grandma was unintentionally cracking Kel and me up.... it was classic and awesome...

I got home and wrapped gifts... our dad is the gift wrapping master! I mean, he has it down to a science... probably because he's an engineer.... My gifts look more like I wrapped them wearing a blindfold... but they're meant to be opened anyways...

We open gifts on Christmas morning:


My gifts were all from my trip to Kauai: I gave Dad and J each Hawaiian shirts, and gave mom, kel, and B pearls. I gave Grandma a Hot Men of Hawaii 2009 Calendar.... She ooh-ed and aw-ed looking through each month... She liked February's "Carlos" the best.... When mom suggested she re-gift the calendar, she replied, "Just because you're on a diet, doesn't mean you can't look!"

She cracks us up... The Hot Men of Hawaii calendar, was actually to replace her 2008 "hot firemen" calendar that's in her kitchen now.

Kelly brought back gifts from her trip to India: J and Dad got the white outfits the men wear (I don't know what they're called), and Saris for me and B.

Me in all of my X-mas Bling:


It's been great being all together... I've had two weird nights though.... last night, and Christmas night, I woke up in the middle of the night with panic attacks... I don't know why either...

The first time it happened, I thought it may have been bad dreams... Poor kel was sharing the upstairs bed with me, and she said I was kicking her in my sleep, before I woke up. Last night, she was sleeping downstairs... but I was awake for 3 hours with a panic attack.... I knew what it was... so I was able to calm myself, but my pulse was thumping hard in everyplace that you can usually feel a pulse: fingers, wrists, neck, chest, stomach, even my legs and feet.

I don't know what it is... maybe it's dietary... I have been eating non-stop... I've decided to try to watch what I'm eating and not drink alcohol for a few days...

I missed church with the family today... J and his friend performed "Little Drummer Boy" David Bowie and Bing Crosby style... (I have to admit until just now, I thought it was "ben" not "bing"... oops):


Tonight, kel is cooking Indian and people are coming over, we are going to wear our Saris and she and Matt are going to show us pics from their trip....

"Not a Punk, not a Skunk, just a Monk"

So, I'm in Kauai!



This morning, Bekki and I flew out of Dallas... it was icy... and snowing! Not the kind of weather that is typical in Dallas until January or February... we were FREEZING! We were both so surprised that the flight was on time....


but it was.... and we made it on time.

Our first flight was to LA.... and then we had a small amount of time in LA to walk from the American terminal to the United terminal... On the way to the terminal, a man stopped and asked us if we spoke English.... He was surprised that we were from Texas.... turns out that our coats and scarfs made him think we were European....

He was a Krishna monk.... like he said (word for word), "I'm not a punk, not a skunk, just a monk."

He gave us a copy of the Bhagvad-Gita and The Science of Self-Realization... On our flight to Lihue, I opened the "Self-Realization" book, and the first sentence of the Introduction made me laugh so hard..... I HAD to show it to Bek.... then we both were cracking up.... The first sentence is (seriously): "'Who is Srila Prabhupada?', people often ask..."

I'm sorry... but I've never known anyone who's asked, "so, Ryann, who is Srila Prabhupada?"... i'm still kinda laughing... (on the inside)...

Then I turned to a chapter where they talk about how horrible eating meat is ... and that eating cow is even worse... because you drink cows' milk (although, I prefer soy), and so the cow is like your mother.... so you're eating your mother... and if you do that, then you'll come back as a tiger or wolf in your next life... so you can eat all of the cow (mother) you want...

Of course, I'm paraphrasing.... well, more than paraphrasing.... and I'm sure the book has a lot of useful spiritual information in it... but, that made me put it down... and take a nap...

The even funnier thing is, Bek is a vegetarian.... or WAS a vegetarian... for 14 years!!! until, 2 weeks ago.... as soon as we booked this trip to Hawaii, I went on my "hawaii diet".... that same day I got a text from her saying, "I just went to taco bell... ate beef fajita tacos, then two sausage egg tacos, a kids meal cheeseburger from sonic and pot roast... I'm so confused!"

Turns out, after 14 years of no meat... and NEVER wanting meat, she woke up one day, and HAD to have meat... and a LOT of meat... and she hasn't stopped! She's still very confused.... she went from saying (in disgust) "you're gonna eat a cold, wet, dead animal?!?" to splitting a turkey wrap with me on the plane... and a chopped beef sopa with me here in Kauai.

We flew into Kauai at night.. we caught a glimpse of the amazing island cliffs from the plane....



and then her sister, met us at the airport, and brought us beautiful flower leis...



I'm exhausted... so is she... we are waking up at 6 am tomorrow to go on a hike with her sister, Jakki... her house is amazing. I can't wait to see what Kauai looks like during the daytime...

i got a new camera... but my cd player on my mac is not working and I may have to install the software... in that case, I'm screwed... and it won't be easy for me to upload pics....

waitin for a plane

My flight is delayed. But only an hour late, and my flight to Dallas is only an hour.

I managed to get all of my laundry and packing done. I always worry I'm overpacking. I hate it when I only wear %10 of what I pack.

So lately I underpack. But I feel like I've been wearing the same clothes for 6 months now... Maybe longer than that... The same clothes for a year.

I always said I'd never buy or wear uggs, crocks, or birkenstocks... It's funny that those are the 3 pairs of shoes I've lived in for a year.

Sitting in the airport, waiting, I wonder: how can some people carry on phone conversations as if no one can hear them. Like they are oblivious to the airport noises, intercom and everyone else. I can't do that. I jump every time the intercom comes on.

I just ate a Balance nutritional energy bar. It was so gross! I couldn't get even half of it down even when I chased every bite with a ton of diet coke. Blugh!

My plane should be here soon. I'm gonna binge on tabloid magazines now...

TNLC "bitchin'" party!

So, I made the rounds in Dallas (as much as I could...) Tried to see as many people as possible, but I never have enough time... at least it seems. I also don't have time to blog... not so much that I don't have "time" but my brain is constantly organizing and planning what I'm doing next.... who I'm gonna see next, where I'm gonna go next, what I need to do and have to do... and would like to do.... so, my brain doesn't calm down enough for me to be able to focus enough to write....



Last night was the Tuesday Night Ladies Club white elephant gift and ornament exchange.... There were more girls this year... more hilarious gifts.... Let's see.... One of the most stolen gifts was a gnome, two glasses (with funny sayings on them) and a shrinky dink necklace, Sara brought that, and I stole it! HA! So, now I have the Gnome, and it has a fabulous new home at Shangri La in Austin!


Another Hi-LAR-I-OUS gift was a Twilight t-shirt with my brother on it.... HA! a character shirt of "Jasper".... which was also stolen... and coveted... too funny!


Cris brought a "bitchin'" jacket.... when she bought it, the guy at the thrift store asked if her friends had a sense of humor, and after she told him about the vagina coloring book (that was a gift last year), he said.... "yes, they must" ... and then he described the jacket as bitchin'..... after I saw it, there was NO other word I could think to describe it! Kim ended up with it....


Cris got the Urbandictionary.com 2009 calendar that I brought... which is perfect for her... maybe it'll help her understand and talk to her 7th and 8th grade students.

Sara and I did our customary stupid party pics.... of course....


And this one was taken at a party last March... (you can see we do this regularly! ... ha!)


Much much fun! So glad I could see everyone!

I'm in Austin now.... Need to clear my head... and start shopping and getting back to writing... and ready for my trip... I'll post more later!

Why do I do this??? WHY

This is what I got a start on today...

i was thinking... ooooh collage as presents... yay!


(she'll never read my blog... so I can show that one)

and then I did....


and then I Made a TON of more of a MESS!

and did more on this;



Uh oh....

So.... Today, Tonight... I started thinking: (WARNING.... this is a bitch-fest.... or WAIT... maybe it's my emo-blogger stage!).

Soooo... I started thinking:

Wow... I must be some sort of narcissist or something to write stuff... and expect people to read it, to care, to understand.... or even to WANT to understand..... Or am I normal.... (well, 10 years ago, bloggers weren't normal.... well, at least not with the people I knew....) .... but I thought (tonight):

I'm just keeping people updated on my travels (I moved in with my parents.... travels?!?).... people want to know I'm healing (I can't dwell on grief and sadness and sum up everyday with them both), well people want to know what I'm doing creatively (YAWN!)

So.... When exactly was it that I crossed the line from Just-keeping-everyone-updated-on-my-travels-er to .... Blogger.... !?

Is this my online journal.... kinda... but, no... I have a journal... I write in it pretty much as often as I blog.... Is it more interesting? No. More juicy? No. More soap-opera-esque. No... Honestly... It's probably more boring... (and I'm more boring than even I think....)... my Journal is the same prayer over and over again... It's the list-making, the clutter that I just have to get out, so I can function and work... and then.. after it all comes together ... I blog... well... sometimes.....

Sometimes, I think and tell myself that I shouldn't write about Carter... and when I should.. and I don't; I feel bad ... Sometimes, I think I should only write about happy stuff... and when I'm not happy, but I won't acknowledge it; I feel like I'm not being honest... But, with who?

With me... With me portraying myself as "me".... but only that one itty-bitty part of me... the I-can-pull-it-together-and-make-it-into-many-cohesive-sentences-and-wrap-up-my-day-real-purdy-and-tie-it-with-a-bow ME....

But, I'm a lot stranger than that.... and my mind is a lot more "out there" than that.... and my thoughts, even further "out there," sometimes...

Is this about Art? Life? Technology? Sex? Drama? Will it make you cry? Laugh? Change Your Life? Change Mine? .... No.... It's Just me.... or, what I would like to present to "you" as "ME"


maybe better.... maybe worse... i don't even know....

Good night .... and Good luck


AND NOOOOO that is NOT keith olbermann.. that is Edward R. Murrow....



BTW- if you stick with me... maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about me and my mom "poppin' it like it's hot" at zoomba! :)

This, is Zumba!

Showed up

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):


There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):


I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

Notes to Self:

My legs are sore. I went to my first riding lesson today... it was nice to ride a horse again. I have a lot of confidence in myself when I'm on a horse... I wish I felt that way all of the time.

I slept for over 12 hours last night! I can't even believe I slept that long. And I'm tired now... I feel like all of my creativity was a wave... and now it's being sucked out with the tide... I still showed up: on the page and in the studio... But I felt overwhelmed and prayed for some guidance... I think I heard the answer: Patience, keep showing up and be patient.

I don't have any pictures... but... I thought I'd post some of my Notes to Self that I keep in my cell phone, just incase anyone has ever cared about the random notes in my cell phone... (I have no idea when I wrote these, some I don't even remember writing... and they're listed alphabetically):

Anger
People. New you. New Us. But don't know. Ignorance spreads. I know us. Knew you, knew me. New you. New Me. Why does the conspiracy sow a seed in the pit of my mind, and grow to emit blackness, in the absence of light...

I mean, seriously?!? what's up with the angry 15 yr old goth chick leaving notes on my phone?!?

Art Stuff
Griddle
Quilting Iron
Resin Jewelry Kit
Glass Cutter
Storage Case
Oil Paints
Sewing Pattern

YAY! I've gotten all of those items! check! check! check!

Easy
it's so easy to play it safe. And then get stuck. Stuck in routine. Stuck in the trenches of the easiest path. Stuck in what other people like about me and what I think they don't. Stuck in the past, and future. Stuck in my head and to my thoughts. Stuck in collage... Just stuck.

God
God is love and light not guilt and fear. Those are the elements of our soul not our bodies, which are dying. God is more than society and culture. God is more than contradiction and paradox in everything and everywhere. Life and death, above the cycles of human existence, God is the creator, nothing god creates ever ends. the absence of god is judgement fear guilt. God is not in the past or future; not anymore, and not yet... But god is very present in this moment and every moment.

That one had a little bit of background as to why I wrote it.

Laura Ingram
Laura ingram show?
MEAN.
Her name sounds like she should be nice. Sounds like The Little House on the Prairie.

HA! that makes me laugh...and it's very true.

Superhero Powers
Are funny.

That's what I wrote... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief)

Things to Look at
Studio Space
Residencies

Yeah, so that didn't happen....

Today
I didn't choose the road less traveled. It chose me. It's not easy, but I have to treat it like the most precious gift i could ever be given. It gives me place purpose love to share with others. it's awakened my soul, and hopefully my journey can help others to awaken.

true... but it's called "today" and I'm not sure which day that really was...

I have NO idea when I wrote any of these... except one: "Easy". .. I wrote that tonight.. and then I looked at the other strange notes on my phone, and thought: wow, these are weird.

There's one that I didn't want to share.. so it's still on my phone... it's titled "Survivors Guilt" ... I'm not really ready to share it... so I won't.

and about the goth-chick leaving notes to self on my phone... I found her... in my myspace photos... except she's about 26... not 15 ... yikes!

FACENESS!

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

lost clothes in dream land...

The song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" has been stuck in my head all day.... I don't know why. I haven't heard that song in... well... I can't even recall when...

Today I went to the Polo club... I'm going to take riding lessons again... I used to ride english (jumping and some dressage) 14 yrs ago... and I was actually really good. I have a picture of me, somewhere, of me and the horse I was riding at the time jumping two pretty high jumps that were about 6 ft apart... I need to find that picture and scan it in. I'm really excited about it... I love riding horses!

today, I have no pandora, no urbandictionary.com words...

But I had a really strange dream last night. I only recognized two people in the dream, one was a girl I went to school with in Norway and haven't heard from since then.... and the other is a friend of mine now... But there were a lot of other people in the dream... those "dream friends".... you know them... they're always there (in dreams), but they don't exist in real life... at least I don't think so.

So we were at a party/music festival/rave... and then I was with one real friend sitting on a pool table... both of us were in costume... I had changed into a fancy 80's prom dress.... and then I wanted to change back into my normal clothes...

So, I asked around and no one knew where they were... except for one guy, who had a HUGE stretched out kleenex box on his shoulder... so, i asked him and he SCREAMED at me that he couldn't tell me because that would interrupt the band playing (he was doing the sound for the band with the box of kleenex's)... So, I left my friend and walked around looking for my clothes...

The music was really loud... it was a lot like a rave or something.. and then I found my friend (from Norway), she needed the dress back... So I had to take it off and give it to her... and then I walked around in my underwear (i wasn't all that embarrassed because I thought it covered as much as a bikini did...) but my panties were inside out... and I was embarrassed the tag was sticking out (weird...)... So I walked around the party... which turned out to be a Walmart too... and then walked back and found the first friend I was with... and he was in normal clothes...on the phone with his dad and working on his laptop... I said, "Where?!?" and he laughed and told me to check in the suitcases lined up against the wall... and that they (the suitcase owners) wouldn't mind...

Then I woke up... As random as it was, it was such a vivid dream, that I had to immediately text SOMEONE! later on, I realized that the dream wasn't as enlightening as I thought when I first woke up...

So... what does it mean??? I think, maybe, it could mean that I should go to Walmart and buy some new underwear.

today, i walked outside and found two small dead butterflies... and a nice big duck feather:

I also bought *gasp* OIL PAINTS! I have a hate-hate relationship with them... or i did... But if you paint with encaustic, then you really need oil paints... so I bought a cheap set ... and some turpentine...

So, I got back to work on the paper doll "disaster".. but not really... I'm starting to like it... i painted a bit with oils to bring out some color and then added wings on the girl:




Then I worked on the pattern even more... I keep not liking the colors I'm picking... So I keep going over it, again, and again, and again... I smeared the pink with a goldish-color... It doesn't look as crisp.... I'm liking it better. Here's a close up of the small pattern:



and when pandora froze up and wouldn't play anything for me, Dylan's snoring kept me company:



I was putting off blogging... (resistance), but maybe I'll be glad I did tomorrow.

Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks

I had a good phone conversation tonight. (so, i DID end up blogging about this! heehee)

At one point I was told that I seem to be more about question marks than exclamation points... or ? vs !, or Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks... which I was told is an essay written by Alestier Crowley. (just so you know: I did find the essay online... and it was, just as I warned via text: "a little dry... about how to drive yourself crazy with philosophy." Very true... I skimmed it. So, I can't even say I really read it... )

I didn't take being a ? as a negative thing... but it made me wonder... is having more !!!!s better than ???s ? (another hunchback) I even took it as a complement! (and now a soldier.... notice the trend...)

It was a good question... and kept rolling around in my head... so here are my thoughts!:

I think exclamation points, are for moments: Yes! NO! A-ha! This! That! There! Question marks to me are more open... They don't have to be about asking questions for answers... but looking and examining... Exclamation points are black and white... where as question marks are the all of the shades of grey in between.

! are about me... or claims I stake... ? are about allowing and preparing for change, letting things happen, not exclaiming something as good or bad, but questioning the context, paradigm... being objective... like a good objective reporter who wants to know all sides. Being introspective... that's good!

The majority of my ?s aren't the kind that need answers, Im not looking for the future, or answers for it, I'm questioning what I'm thinking, feeling and doing: Is it working? Is it good? if not, what can I do to balance myself?

But I definitely agree that there needs to be both.... right?!?!?!? Maybe now they can live, no longer vs. each other, but in perfect Hunchback, Soldier harmony. Like ebony and ivory..... (okay... that was cheeeeeeesy). I don't like "hunchback" either... maybe a better name would be a curvy soldier...

Anyways....

So, I painted today... back to good ol' acrylics and patterns... It's kind of meditative for me to get into painting patterns... so I worked on it... ALL DAY... Not even close to being done:



I also tried www.pandora.com for the first time today. I love it! It's free radio, and you pick out the music you want to hear, and they play similar artists, and you get to say yes I like that... or no I don't... It's like creating your own radio station! Sha boing BOING (okay that's a throwback to urbandictionary.com which was yesterday...)

Today, I was starting to miss my friends.... and got a little bummed... but then I received a couple of texts, calls and emails... from friends because they were thinking about me! It made me feel good... loved... and not forgotten... your timing was perfect! It's nice to know I'm not out of sight, out of mind.

Thank you!

Yes, that's my brother... Shabooya!

A lot of my friends have been asking me if my brother J is in the movie Twilight.... Yes, he is! He is playing the character, Jasper... I am very proud of him! (in the photo above, he's on the far right... I've been having trouble with photos... adding them to blogs.. taking them and so on.... so I'm sorry I kinda cut off part of his right side... I don't know how to fix it).

It's funny, because you know someone's "made it" when they are on the Home/Login page of Myspace... which he has been 3 times!!! Actually, my friends would text and email me that he was on the main myspace page... :) He totally deserves it... He is a great actor, a great friend, has worked hard, and he's a really great, cool guy, and I love him very much!

You know, when most people move out to LA to be an actor or actress, you think, great.... another waiter/waitress in LA... But with J we always knew, (I guess I shouldn't speak for anyone except myself), I had NO doubt that he was going to make it... it was just a feeling of knowing... I'm not sure if he ever doubted it or not, but I didn't. So, I'm very proud, but not surprised at all.

My parents and little sis are flying to L.A to the premiere of Twilight this weekend. It's really exciting to see so much hype around this movie, and the books, and that J's a part of it.

I remember when I first realized this could be a big thing for him: it happened this summer when I was at Penland, my mom sent me a text that said: "J's on a t-shirt at Hot Topic in the mall!" I remember thinking: why is mom at Hot Topic?! and then thinking wow, we all need to get one of those shirts!

I'm not sure of the date, but I know Twilight comes out in the next few weeks.

Here's a pic of my family that Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) took of my family last November in LA... it's on the site www.jackson-rathbone.com






okay....

I didn't paint or draw today... but I DID write, and I am blogging... so I don't consider myself off track.

I did a lot of emailing today... actually one email (from Sara) that seemed innocent enough... (she forwarded %50 coupons to Michaels) turned into a back and forth exchange... which led Sara, Aubrey and me to the depths of urbandictionary.com and back... (or we may be stuck there... who knows)...

We spent a lot of emails one-upping each other with new words... Like:
shabooya
In your face like booyah except with much more in your faceness....

I swear! That's a direct quote! "faceness"?! genius!

We may have an unhealthy addiction to that web site now... at least they have something to do at work! ;)

"Does that make sense?!"

A few weeks ago, when I was in Dallas, I was interviewed for the Dallas Morning News Home section, about my art work...

The woman who interviewed me is so nice, she is the same one who did my write up for DailyCandy.com back in May.

But, I felt scattered in the interview... because there was SO much to say, and I had only an hour. I wanted her to know all of my artistic journey (which is not as much DMN article material as it is... well... a BOOK). I didn't know where to start, or what to say...

I tried my best... she told me I was making sense... I wasn't sure...

Usually when I'm talking about many things I'm passionate about simultaneously I usually ask, "does that make sense?" over, and over and over again..... because, most of the time, I know what I'm trying to say... but my words don't capture my thoughts and feelings... and I'm very abstract at times... so most people just smile and nod when I ask, "does that make sense?"

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards ... also I sent her an email afterwards, with the subject "Things I shoulda said":

"10-26-08
I just had an interview about my art. It's so hard to put my art into an hour long interview. I have journals and blogs that chronicle most of my journey, my life's journey.... learning... healing. I don't even know how to describe everything... and put it in a nutshell...

My art is so much bigger than me... about honesty, healing, stories.... my stories.... telling stories with symbols... but sometimes even a simples shape or object carries more weight than I can even know.. It comes from something else... in me... but not me... God? Love? The collective consciousness? Every little moment in time and each story since the beginning has brought me to my place, my current story... it's not even MY art...

Art was always there... and will always be... art and love.

Unfortunately, for most (including me), it takes suffering to be able to see, really SEE, the art and love in everything. Carter's death was the catalyst for my art... but it does not define it... but with love he's allowed me to see.. and share.

To me, art at first was a story.. my story, and heart crying to make sense of senselessness... Now art I make has changed as the story has evolved... I'm awake and alert... my eyes are opened, and i want to express that sight/insight with art. I try to respond moment by moment... Not holding on to how things are "supposed to be"... because we don't know how things are "supposed to be" ... that's the mystery of life, our stories are never what they're supposed to be (to us), but they are the pieces of the fabric of stories that come together to create the human story of life....

When I make art now, I want to share my journey. When I travel and see beautiful scenery; a landscape, and remember the landscape, I don't just remember the view, but I remember the feel of the rock i sat on, the falcon that flew over my head, the butterfly that landed by me, as if it wanted to be observed... they aren't the snapshot of the landscape, but they are a part of my experience and connection to that landscape at that moment... With art I try to express my personal experiences in those moments.."


Sorry.... a little longer than i meant to write... and I left a lot out... So, did that make sense? ha. joking... kinda....

Well, i don't know when the article is coming out... I'm working on new work too... I'd like to get into a gallery.... because I don't know how to do this myself... I am sending stuff to the Gypsy Wagon... so they'll have prints... I get overwhelmed with that part...

So, today... I read the book The Shack. I got it... but I'll talk about it another time.

i really really really wanted to do something else instead of the encaustic collage I've been working on... but I HAD to fix it... so I did... a bit... still not done, but not annoying me so badly:



Then I started a new really small collage, it might be done... It's so hard to tell... I think if they were both framed nicely, it'd make a HUGE difference...



Sorry about the photos.. My camera still has this big black blurry spot in the picture...

Silent and sneaky war of art.

I got back to Midland tonight... My GPS took me on a very scenic, but also very out-of-the-way drive from Lockhart to Midland... all 7 hours of it.

While I was driving, I was trying to connect to the work I plan to get done and do... The book/project that Justin Voight and I are working on... the whole reason for the trip to the Big Bend area... but I couldn't.

I was doubting myself... my creativity... a lot of fear of not being able, or good enough... I felt like I lost that creative drive that was fueling me before I left Midland.

I called Justin, we talked for a long time... we were both struggling with the same issues. But, instead of discouraging each other, our conversation caused us to dissect our fear, anticipation, procrastinations... look at ourselves.... all of it. I felt back on track when I pulled the car in the driveway.

I was REALLY tired, and wanted to go to bed. But Mons gave me a book (months ago- procrastination), and I promised to read it as soon as I got back to Midland. It's called The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. (thank you! I'm so glad I read it)

As soon as I started to read it, I couldn't put it down. He describes the conversations that Justin and I had just had an hour earlier perfectly. The fear, the excuses.... all of the blocks to creativity... or rather the blocks to the canvas, or blank page... he calls that force "the Resistance" that we all have.

It's a force that has to be fought daily.... and reading that book made me realize that a lot of my traveling (or most of it) was my Resistance to producing what I needed to. I've learned and read and traveled in order to make art... but do I have anything substantial to show for it? Not yet... always tomorrow.

I came back to Midland a week later than I had planned ... that is a full week of not sitting down and producing work... or writing. I'm not beating myself up about it... I'm just realizing it.. processing it.

I mean, I didn't even blog! i felt like there was too much to say... or not enough pictures.... excuses, excuses... either way, nothing substantial was done (work-wise)... well, besides substantial procrastination....

So, tomorrow, I'm going to unpack the car, and organize.... then schedule. (I hate schedules!) But I'm going to make sure that I write three pages in my journal everyday, at a certain time, and treat going into my studio and making art like a job... I'll be on the clock, whether I feel like it or not.

And I've got Justin as an accountability partner... we're gonna check in with each other to help keep us out of the blockages.

I'm not saying it's going to be perfect or amazing... actually I expect it's gonna be harder than we think.

But at least I took one step in the right direction today, and actually blogged!