This Little Bird

5 years ago, I peacefully sat at my dining room table one night drawing this little bird.

I had no idea what the next week held for me, and that it would shatter my world. While I drew this little bird over and over, obsessing about the tail not being the right angle, erasing and redrawing and erasing again, I had no idea that in such a short amount of time, the man I loved and planned to marry would be killed suddenly and tragically by my neighbor.

While I sat and drew this little bird, I felt safe in my house. I had no idea that in just one week, the house would become a place of horror, memories and nightmares that would haunt me for years. While I drew this little bird I never imagined I wouldn't feel safe in my house, and would never draw another little bird at that table again.

When I drew this little bird, I thought I had everything, and I did. A man who loved me and wanted to share his life with me and me with him, a career path for myself, a house I owned and the plans to remodel it... I had no idea that in a week after drawing this little bird, that I would be broken into a million pieces. I had no idea that I would be unable to fully pull the pieces of myself back together and become me again for years.

When I drew this little bird, I had no idea what journey lay ahead of me, and I definitely didn't know that this little bird would leave me, and her journey would be so much different than mine.

After the night Carter was killed, I was still in shock at the police station, while this little bird sat in a pile of drawings on my dining room table. The end of Carter's life, and my life as I knew it, was the beginning of this little bird having a life of her own. That day, while grief's hands ripped at my chest and stomach, this little bird was found and freed. I always thought she would stay with me, as part of me, but when I was too weak to stand, someone took her and promised her a better life. I don't blame this little bird... I was a mess at the time.

The next few years I wandered aimlessly, searching for signs and clues in nature and all around me to tell me to live, and why I should want to live. Simultaneously as I wandered, unbeknownst to me, the person who promised this little bird a better life had bigger plans for her than just me; a wreckage of tears.

This little bird was copied and put into frames with lyrics of Carter's and given out to those around her, but not me... Even though I'd been promised one of these cherished items, I never received one. That's when I knew this little bird had begun to change, and left me in the dust.

She must have sensed my weakness and thought she could fill the role I was too "emotionally unstable" to fill. This little bird became tired of just being "Ryann's" little bird, drawn with pencil on paper. She wanted to be much bigger than that.

I would have never guessed that this little bird would become so many things. So many of the things she became I only found out about through other little birds telling me long after the fact.

While I searched for myself and sense of security, this little bird was given wings, became a tattoo, a company logo, a name for a horse, a concert poster, and then came full circle to raise money for a foundation started in Carter's memory.

This little bird must have sensed that I was too weak for the task. So she became the symbol for my idea born in the aftermath, of my grief, that I had shared with the person who lured her away. My idea to take pieces of Carter, his guitar strings that he had loved and touched, and make them into something tangible I could wear and hold on to. Instead, this little bird taught me that nothing tangible lasts forever.

It's 5 years later. I'm not broken anymore. I still love and miss Carter everyday. He and I delighted in this little bird together. Even though I wish I was included in memorials to him, I take some satisfaction in knowing that this little bird I drew, well before I knew grief, has taken on a life of her own and is very front and center in his memory, even if I'm not.

So I left this little bird behind, but always had my eye on this bird from afar. I moved on and forward with my head held high and his love and memories tattooed on my heart. I have a new love of my life, he is 3 and makes my heart smile everyday: I am a mother now. I have plans for my future, but I know not to trust in plans too much. I know that there is no boring in life. The moments where nothing is happening are peaceful and the most beautiful moments of all. I no longer take those moments for granted. I've found me again. I'm strong again. Strong enough to tell everyone that this is my little bird, and I'm ready for this little bird to claim me too.

I'm so proud of this little bird, and all she has accomplished. I'm sad she felt the need to shut me out and pretend like I didn't create her with love and care. This little bird left me in my darkest days to pursue her desires without even a postcard from her journey. This little bird broke my heart, but at the same time, this little bird has made me proud to say, "she's mine!"

Presence

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.


This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

Another "Notes to Self"

I'm back in Midland, but I've spent the last few weeks in Austin, "feeling it out"... but not ready to make a commitment to moving... I guess I was waiting for my pumpkin to be turned into a carriage or something.... but then, it was brought to my attention..... and I realized: I have to decide.... make a decision even if it's scary and there is no fairy godmother involved.....

So, I found a place, in Austin.... In the neighborhood I like.... its a SMALL studio apartment.... (400 sq ft).... but you know what? I don't need "stuff".... there's NO safety in objects... Or ideas, plans or people... so I think this will be a good thing for me..

i'm back in Midland now.... with my pups.. and family....

My B-day is on Lundi Gras this year.... so, my parents used their airline credits and (AWWWWW YEAH) I'm headed down to NOLA for Carnival time! It'll be good.... I haven't seen my friends there in years.... and Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday.... i just don't know what I should be (costume-wise)..... We'll see.... I'm excited to go there!

Soooo... Since it's late and I'm tired...

I thought I'd do another "notes to self" segment..... (the random notes I write myself on my phone.... but I usually forget I wrote):

50
Arachnidiot: A person who accidentally wanders into an "invisible" spider web and begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

(yes I've done that.... and seen others do it too.... I copied this down from the Galaxy Cafe)

Hawaii
(seen in Kauai)

Mele Kalikimaka

"Drifted objects tumbled pieces of life, only the strongest reach the shore to be found and transformed, abstract representations of life lived." (quote from an artist at Little Tsunami Tattoo)

I Need

Someone to tell me to "go to bed" at a decent hour.... Being a night person has its darkside, especially when you're trying to live on the light side. Some hate the moon.... I tend to lean towards the side that hates the sun...f mornings!!!

Is it possible?
If i sleep in my scarf, could I accidentally strangle myself in my sleep?

Love:
I'm in love:
With what love gives
and what it takes.
Giving myself love,
Giving to love...
In the end:
It all goes back to love....
We all return to love.....

Nothing:
I don't have anything earth-shattering to say;
Nothing amazing to say...
I just have my thoughts,
my voice,
my one voice in the sea of billions,
my one voice in the history of trillions
of life stories.....
past, present, future...

One More
One more cigarette.
One more time.
One more minute.
One more chance to say what I wanted to.....
What I meant to.
Just one more.
.... and then another one.

What?!
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What?
Sorry, I don't hear well....
....{these are} conversations i have.....

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

FACENESS!

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

Encaustic collage comes back, as another one (camera) bites the dust..

Why am I the kiss of death for digital cameras?!? Every time I buy one, something happens! This summer I lost one to "lens error", then tonight I tried to take pictures of my work but there is a huge black fuzzy dot in the middle! I tried to clean the lens.. but it's still there... ugh! What is it? Will it go away?



All of my pics below were taken off-centered, and cropped so the dot won't show...


The last two days here in Midland, I've fought my Resistance... and won... I need to stop judging the results though.

I've unpacked my stuff. It's not a hard thing to do, but it's been harder, because I haven't been really settled and unpacked anywhere since last year when C was killed... I've been a refugee of sorts... When i stayed at the house my parents rented for me in Dallas, i was unpacked... but not settled.... my mind wasn't settled...

I'm so used to living out of a suitcase now, it's kinda scary... and sad.

But, i unpacked. and organized (almost everything)

I've written in my journal for the second day in a row (I'm proud of myself for that), and I've blogged (also proud of myself), and I've tried to do some encaustic collage....

I'm trying to not judge what I do... and let it happen... but it's HARD!

Here's my process: I had masonite board that I coated in beeswax medium, and then I took a paper doll book (that I bought on the Big Bend trip), a sewing pattern for dresses.. some doilies, and tissue papers.... I used a quilting iron that I bought a few months ago and collaged on the pieces wax...

It started like this:



And then I decided to add the Indian Girl paper doll book:



and



Those pictures were taken with my cell, so the color is a bit different...

Then, today i decided to add more dress pattern and color in the dresses.... I'm not really happy with how this looks... it's too abstract for me... I may cut out the paper doll dresses.... I'm still working with this though:



I'm trying not to judge what I do... and just react to what I put down instead... Sometimes I stop myself, and say out loud, "thinking, judging, let go..."

I may let that project sit for a few days before I get back to it...

I've been somewhat of a hermit here so far (but for two days... does that even count?!?), I'm tired from all of the traveling... and I'm ready to get to work ... and make some work I'm happy with... i think I need to be a little bit of a recluse to tap back in to my connectedness and creativity flow. Does that just make me strange? probably.... but a lot of the great artists and writers were considered "strange". I know I'm not "normal"... and I'm finally making peace with that.

I'm fighting fear right now... fear of being an artist, or a writer... just fear of patience... maybe? fear of failure and fear of success... It makes me want to hide... but I can't. I KNOW something good will come... but I'm being tested. Damn that "Resistance!".

synchronicity.

Are there coincidences or are all coincidences signs; synchronicity...

Who knows... maybe I'm more alert and awake... maybe it's just because I believe... i don't know...

The other day I had a deep conversation with Steve, about signs, what I've learned and seen and continue to... he told me that my signs reminded him of a book, "A Severe Mercy" ... He sent me a link to the book on Amazon.com...

This is a brief synopsis from the review on Amazon.com:

After her death Sheldon embarks on an intense experience of grief, "to find the meaning of it, taste the whole of it ... to learn from sorrow whatever it had to teach." Through painstaking reveries, he comes to discover the meaning of "a mercy as severe as death, a severity as merciful as love." He learns that her death "had these results: It brought me as nothing else could do to know and end my jealously of God. It saved her faith from assault. ...And it saved our love from perishing."

When looked into it, I read the review (which is all too familiar) and the cover of the book stopped me: Ii thought I'd stayed up too late, or was crazy, but the man on the cover resembled C... the couple resembled me and C... I've been reassured by friends that I was not crazy... they see it too...


Today I saw my dear friend Kristin... she bought me a print from an artist. The artist is Brian Andreas... the print is called "More Fair"

She found it at a gallery in Galveston a week before it was destroyed by Ike... the print says:

"They left me with your shadow,
saying things like: Life is not fair

& I believed them for a long time.

But today, I remembered the way you laughed
& the heat of your hand in mine...
& I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine...

if we are there to live it."

The song, the book, the gift... they're all gifts.... gifts of knowledge that we are all connected... that we are all connected by God, by love... that's all we need... that's all we came with, and that's all we leave with...

thank you to my beautiful friends.

I'm in Dallas for tomorrow's Sorta CD release show... I'm glad, but nervous... then I go to Austin.. then back to Dallas for several days of appointments.. and such...

Busy. busy...