This Little Bird

5 years ago, I peacefully sat at my dining room table one night drawing this little bird.

I had no idea what the next week held for me, and that it would shatter my world. While I drew this little bird over and over, obsessing about the tail not being the right angle, erasing and redrawing and erasing again, I had no idea that in such a short amount of time, the man I loved and planned to marry would be killed suddenly and tragically by my neighbor.

While I sat and drew this little bird, I felt safe in my house. I had no idea that in just one week, the house would become a place of horror, memories and nightmares that would haunt me for years. While I drew this little bird I never imagined I wouldn't feel safe in my house, and would never draw another little bird at that table again.

When I drew this little bird, I thought I had everything, and I did. A man who loved me and wanted to share his life with me and me with him, a career path for myself, a house I owned and the plans to remodel it... I had no idea that in a week after drawing this little bird, that I would be broken into a million pieces. I had no idea that I would be unable to fully pull the pieces of myself back together and become me again for years.

When I drew this little bird, I had no idea what journey lay ahead of me, and I definitely didn't know that this little bird would leave me, and her journey would be so much different than mine.

After the night Carter was killed, I was still in shock at the police station, while this little bird sat in a pile of drawings on my dining room table. The end of Carter's life, and my life as I knew it, was the beginning of this little bird having a life of her own. That day, while grief's hands ripped at my chest and stomach, this little bird was found and freed. I always thought she would stay with me, as part of me, but when I was too weak to stand, someone took her and promised her a better life. I don't blame this little bird... I was a mess at the time.

The next few years I wandered aimlessly, searching for signs and clues in nature and all around me to tell me to live, and why I should want to live. Simultaneously as I wandered, unbeknownst to me, the person who promised this little bird a better life had bigger plans for her than just me; a wreckage of tears.

This little bird was copied and put into frames with lyrics of Carter's and given out to those around her, but not me... Even though I'd been promised one of these cherished items, I never received one. That's when I knew this little bird had begun to change, and left me in the dust.

She must have sensed my weakness and thought she could fill the role I was too "emotionally unstable" to fill. This little bird became tired of just being "Ryann's" little bird, drawn with pencil on paper. She wanted to be much bigger than that.

I would have never guessed that this little bird would become so many things. So many of the things she became I only found out about through other little birds telling me long after the fact.

While I searched for myself and sense of security, this little bird was given wings, became a tattoo, a company logo, a name for a horse, a concert poster, and then came full circle to raise money for a foundation started in Carter's memory.

This little bird must have sensed that I was too weak for the task. So she became the symbol for my idea born in the aftermath, of my grief, that I had shared with the person who lured her away. My idea to take pieces of Carter, his guitar strings that he had loved and touched, and make them into something tangible I could wear and hold on to. Instead, this little bird taught me that nothing tangible lasts forever.

It's 5 years later. I'm not broken anymore. I still love and miss Carter everyday. He and I delighted in this little bird together. Even though I wish I was included in memorials to him, I take some satisfaction in knowing that this little bird I drew, well before I knew grief, has taken on a life of her own and is very front and center in his memory, even if I'm not.

So I left this little bird behind, but always had my eye on this bird from afar. I moved on and forward with my head held high and his love and memories tattooed on my heart. I have a new love of my life, he is 3 and makes my heart smile everyday: I am a mother now. I have plans for my future, but I know not to trust in plans too much. I know that there is no boring in life. The moments where nothing is happening are peaceful and the most beautiful moments of all. I no longer take those moments for granted. I've found me again. I'm strong again. Strong enough to tell everyone that this is my little bird, and I'm ready for this little bird to claim me too.

I'm so proud of this little bird, and all she has accomplished. I'm sad she felt the need to shut me out and pretend like I didn't create her with love and care. This little bird left me in my darkest days to pursue her desires without even a postcard from her journey. This little bird broke my heart, but at the same time, this little bird has made me proud to say, "she's mine!"

Praying for Japan

I thought about blogging, about the little idiosyncrasies of the day:
Like blogging about how someone stole my debit card info and tried to use my card, or about how I can't believe the CVS by my house is only open till 10 pm, or about how scared I was taking my little one to the dentist for the first time...

And then I think about Japan. I see the videos of the tsunami, and my heart breaks for Japan, and the people effected by the earthquake, tsunami and now the fear of radiation from the nuclear reactors...
and when I see videos like this one, I'm speechless:


How can I bitch about everyday life when my everyday life is normal!?

I still have a house, a city, a child to take to the dentist... I feel so fortunate that for today, everyone I know and love is safe and sound. I know firsthand how fast that can change... So, today, I'm embracing my mundane day-to-day activities of everyday life, and saying prayer and sending all my love to the people of Japan... and donating too...

There is one story that came out of Japan, among the countless stories of horror and heartbreak, there is one story that makes my heart happy. The story of a little baby found alive and reunited with her family.

Presence

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.


This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

Peaceful Place

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

Change.

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...


A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland

Moth balls? no....

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time



This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)


Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....



there's more...

Blocked

I heard a story from someone, but I don't remember from who or when (although I think it was this summer at Penland):

If you're over-attached to one element in your piece, and you're struggling with your piece, then you should get rid of, or change the thing you're overly attached to.... There was a story that went with this. And after the artist removed the element they were most attached to, the piece worked out...

I'm not sure if that's true or not... but there are a few pieces that I'm struggling with... nothing looks right, but I'm overly attached to one element of the painting....

the chandelier:


The girl:


the background:


But I'm not quite ready to get rid of those things... Maybe that means that they are the things that I most need to change...

probably... I think, by holding on to them as they are, I'm not allowing the pieces to change... and become what they're supposed to become...

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
-Anais Nin

I think I'm doing that with some of my art work...

Okay... I think I just needed to get that out of my system.... maybe now I can get some stuff done!

Resolutions

So, it's January... and 2009... I don't think either of those two things have registered to me yet. It feels like December, and I know if I had to write the date on anything I'd write 2008.

That was my "new year's resolution": to stop writing '08 and start writing '09. I guess that's not exactly aiming high...

...but I really do have some new year's resolutions:

I bought a 2009 weekly planner... I've been carrying it around in my purse, but have yet to open it or write in it. But, I think (just by osmosis maybe) I'm becoming a better planner already!

My new planner (If I choose to use it) will help with my other resolutions... like figuring out where to go next, where I'll move, planning art shows and finishing the book on Big Bend I'm working on with Justin Voight.

We had a wonderful New Year's at the lakehouse with family and friends... lot's of sing-a-longs.... everyone had a blast (I know I'm speaking for everyone... but I think it's true).



Later this week I'll be back in Midland and getting to work on making some more work and finishing the pieces I already have almost done...

I went to an art gallery the other day, and there were a few pieces there that reminded me of my work... I noticed that the artist used these boards that are like boxes... I forget what they're called... but some women in my encaustic class at Penland used them as well... if I start to paint on those, I wouldn't have to worry about presentation and framing... I need to go ahead and buy some; splurge a bit, instead of scavenging for wood scraps and stuff in friends' and family's garages...

Indian feast

Last night, kel cooked a delicious Indian feast!


My favorite was the coconut chutney she made... and she said she had to "wing it"... It was sooo delicious...

Indian food is probably my favorite food on the planet... I don't share my Chicken Tikka Masala well... at all... I LOVE all kinds of Indian food... yum! (now I'm hungry again).

We wore our saris kel brought back...


The sari (or saree ... i'm not sure how to spell it) is 6 meters of fabric! Which is 19.5 ft of fabric!!! that is a lot of fabric! Under the Sari, you wear a long skirt and a belly shirt... and then you take all 6 meters of fabric and start wrapping... and then folding and tucking and wrapping and folding and tucking again... Indian women do this with no problem... even using one hand for the folds...



kelly learned how in India, but then needed a refresher course, and B's friend's mother is Indian, and showed Kel again...

The saris kel brought back are beautiful... I wish I could wear a sari and bindi everyday! I told kel that some one should invent a sari that's already got all of the folds that you could slip on...

At the end of the night, I tried to fold it to hang it... and I got my dad to help me.. and it took us two tries to fold it!

Kelly did henna....


and then we ate and they narrated their pictures from the trip....

Kelly and Matt were in Mumbai, but left before the attacks... and stayed in a different part of India until the attacks stopped and things were more under control, before going back to Mumbai and then flying back to the states... that was a scary time..

We had a great night last night... I drank wine... and didn't even have a panic attack... so hopefully I'm done with those!

I'm not sure if we're leaving for the lakehouse today or tomorrow... we'll spend NYE there, together...

Why do I do this??? WHY

This is what I got a start on today...

i was thinking... ooooh collage as presents... yay!


(she'll never read my blog... so I can show that one)

and then I did....


and then I Made a TON of more of a MESS!

and did more on this;



Uh oh....

So.... Today, Tonight... I started thinking: (WARNING.... this is a bitch-fest.... or WAIT... maybe it's my emo-blogger stage!).

Soooo... I started thinking:

Wow... I must be some sort of narcissist or something to write stuff... and expect people to read it, to care, to understand.... or even to WANT to understand..... Or am I normal.... (well, 10 years ago, bloggers weren't normal.... well, at least not with the people I knew....) .... but I thought (tonight):

I'm just keeping people updated on my travels (I moved in with my parents.... travels?!?).... people want to know I'm healing (I can't dwell on grief and sadness and sum up everyday with them both), well people want to know what I'm doing creatively (YAWN!)

So.... When exactly was it that I crossed the line from Just-keeping-everyone-updated-on-my-travels-er to .... Blogger.... !?

Is this my online journal.... kinda... but, no... I have a journal... I write in it pretty much as often as I blog.... Is it more interesting? No. More juicy? No. More soap-opera-esque. No... Honestly... It's probably more boring... (and I'm more boring than even I think....)... my Journal is the same prayer over and over again... It's the list-making, the clutter that I just have to get out, so I can function and work... and then.. after it all comes together ... I blog... well... sometimes.....

Sometimes, I think and tell myself that I shouldn't write about Carter... and when I should.. and I don't; I feel bad ... Sometimes, I think I should only write about happy stuff... and when I'm not happy, but I won't acknowledge it; I feel like I'm not being honest... But, with who?

With me... With me portraying myself as "me".... but only that one itty-bitty part of me... the I-can-pull-it-together-and-make-it-into-many-cohesive-sentences-and-wrap-up-my-day-real-purdy-and-tie-it-with-a-bow ME....

But, I'm a lot stranger than that.... and my mind is a lot more "out there" than that.... and my thoughts, even further "out there," sometimes...

Is this about Art? Life? Technology? Sex? Drama? Will it make you cry? Laugh? Change Your Life? Change Mine? .... No.... It's Just me.... or, what I would like to present to "you" as "ME"


maybe better.... maybe worse... i don't even know....

Good night .... and Good luck


AND NOOOOO that is NOT keith olbermann.. that is Edward R. Murrow....



BTW- if you stick with me... maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about me and my mom "poppin' it like it's hot" at zoomba! :)

This, is Zumba!

feeding a cold

Me ad Kel this summer... I love My sisters and brother! :)

So, My sister has been in India this past week.... that's really scary, with everything that's been going on in Mumbai... and she was in Mumbai... but left the day before the attacks.... now she's back there and trying to come home... that is such a scary and senseless situation over there ...

I hope she's able to come home soon.... My parents have been in constant contact with her.... that's good.

I still have a very strong desire to go to India... I've wanted to go for a long time... I just want kel home safely..

I'm starting to feel better.... the cold or allergies..... or whatever I've had seems to be getting better....


what do they say? is it "feed a cold, starve a fever" or the other way around? .... anyhoo.... I haven't stopped eating.... jeez..... I barely stop for air!

tomorrow, I plan to get back in my routine....

night!

ry

Thanksgiving, Midland

I'm sick AGAIN! Back in Midland... in bed... just took some NyQuil... which is about to make me pass out....

i had a wonderful time in Austin! Mons and I went to see the movie, Synecdoche, New York.... wow.... beautiful.... haunting.... and intense... here's what I think is a good blog by Ebert, called "O, Synecdoche my synecdoche!" describing it.... because I don't feel like typing it out myself right now....

I drove into Midland for thanksgiving.... was a bit late.... but my family waited for me to eat.... :) thank you!

After dinner I went to meet an old classmate from Lee out for coffee.... but EVERYTHING was closed..... and I mean everything.... Starbucks, Chilis, all of the usual places.... but the bar Woofers and Tweeters opened at 7, so we went there.... were Isaac made me sing karaoke and (attempt to) two-step....

For some reason I have never been able to two-step.... EVER. and before we got on stage to sing (of course we were the first ones of the night...) i thought I was going to throw-up.... it didn't help that our song was Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" and neither one of us remembered anything except the chorus.... that one sucked... then Girls Just Wanna Have FuN and then Stayin' Alive.... none of my usual karaoke tunes.... well.... i don't have a usual.... the only one that I've sung before (twice or thrice....) is Me and Bobby McGee, by Janis Joplin....


That is the funniest pic of me EVER singing! HA HA HA! That is with the ladies sitting at the table next to us.... ha ha ! soooo funny!

Austin travels

I'm still in Austin... I've been here since Saturday night.

This time, when I drove from Midland, I did not listen to my GPS...or even plug it in.... I got to Austin in 5 hrs... instead of the almost 8 hours it took me the last time!

I don't trust my GPS anymore!

Since I've been here... I've seen Twilight two more times... hee hee...

I went to my friends Tyler and Emily's new bar, Shangri-la on 1016 E 6TH ST a few times...

For anyone who lives, or goes to Austin, check out Shangri-la! it is such an awesome place.... it's got a cool crowd... a HUGE 2 level outside patio.... and much much more... FO SHO my favorite new place in Austin... and I know it's not just that I'm biased because it's their place, because I've taken Steve and Mons there and they both loved it too.

This is a write up from eastaustinite.com


Remember that bright turquoise building? We stopped by East 6th Street’s newest addition last weekend and got some details on the Shangri-La. First of all, it is pretty awesome, and it’s topped off with a bit of more awesome. It seems like patrons will be going in through the rear entrance near the outdoor patio, and the patio in itself is pretty cool. It’s getting cooler now, but I can see us spending a lot of time out there on pleasant-weather days. The inside wasn’t finished yet, since they aren’t schedule to open until possibly November, but it’s coming along great. My favorite part of the interior has to be the gun art… nothing says welcome to Texas like guns on the wall. On top of a great selection on tap, they will have pool tables and possibly vintage arcade games for all the patrons to enjoy. We are excited about the Shangri-La opening up soon and we will be there for sure on opening day. You can be there, too, if you friend them on Myspace so you can keep up.

Here's Emily and me at Shangri-la:



Here are some random and slightly creepy things I've taken pictures of since i've been here:

On Sunday...

Okay this was cool!

So Steve has become really connected with his church, Gateway, in Austin... he's made great friends... I've met them, they are a great group of people!

Their church did something this past Sunday, that I wish you'd see more of, more often:

The church handed out envelopes with money in them... to everyone... in the envelope was anywhere from $5 to $300, and the church members said that they could do what ever they wanted to with the money, but were asked try and make the biggest positive impact with their money as possible...

So, Steve's group (I joined in), decided to make care packages for the homeless... We went to a Thrift store and Dollar General, and bought blankets, tooth brushes, socks, hats, gloves, toilet paper, and bottled water... then we put them together in packages and went to a shelter (ARCH) on 7th and Red River in Austin to hand them out...

I had NO idea how many people there were there!!! I know I've been in that area before... but have I been that blind to the homeless people? I'm ashamed that I never noticed!

We met up, grabbed our bags and walked up the alley... before we even got halfway up the alley, all of our care packages had been given out to very grateful men and women... But there were SO many of them... most of them asked for socks ... some asked for Dr. Scholl's inserts... It made sense though... their feet are the most important part to them..

It was really moving... and we all wished that we could do more... but, that was the best thing about the experience...

I think more churches should do something similar: give money to their congregations and let them help people.... i thought it was an amazing experience and I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it.


















Here's a message that was emailed from one of the group members, Ramy:

Last Thursday, for our Last Soul Rev Meeting, I told my peeps they were getting a secret envelope on Sunday, and I challenged them not to open it until 3PM when we all met back at the church/school. That's all the info I gave them... By the way, we are probably the only church in history that gives money back to the congregation. So Sunday comes, the group holds true to their commitment and at 3PM we all meet with our closed envelopes. I tell them how proud I am of their accomplishment and then I discuss the mission: to combine our funds, divide it in 2 for 2 groups, then for the next hour to scour South Austin Dollar and Thrift stores looking for toilet paper rolls, gloves, soap, tooth paste and tooth brushes, blankets, socks, beanies, jackets, and water bottles. An hour later we met at a parking lot at Congress and Oltorff and assembled 39 care packs. Then we drove up to 7th and Red River and passed them out while mingling with some new friends. It was awesome, and one of our new friends, Derrick Clark, will be performing with the South Band for Offering this Sunday. He is a poet and we decided we were going to make music to one of his poems and play it at church. Also the team has all committed to each setting aside $20 and a Sunday Afternoon a month to repeat the mission!!!
Thank you God for using Gateway yet again...

HALE YES!

25 of us went to see Twilight tonight...

My parents, grandmother, bee and me and 20 other friends (mainly bee's friends), all went to see it. I made 25 shirts today that said, "TEAM JASPER" on the front and "HALE YEAH!" on the back... J's character in the movie is Jasper Hale... so we thought that was cute!

I didn't want to give my opinion, because it'll seem one-sided and subjective because J's in it... but, i'm going to, because I really loved it.

To be honest, I read the first book and wasn't sold... I didn't even care to read the rest of the books... I thought the book was an easy read, but cheesy. But I still think Stephanie Meyer is amazing... and her story is amazing... and she's a great storyteller... if she wasn't, then there wouldn't be so much to do about the books!

I thought the writer and director did an amazing job! I was so pleasantly surprised! It's for sure going to be a cult classic.... but it's already popular... so a popular cult classic? is that a real category?

After seeing it, I was surprised that so many critics had panned it... Yes, watching it is an overindulgence, just like the books... like eating too much dessert... but soooo awesome! It seemed like a movie critics would rave about... but maybe they'd only rave about it if no one liked it... I think because SO many people already love it, they have to pan it... or maybe they themselves are just frustrated actors, writers and/or directors...hmmmm.... it makes me think....

It's filmed like an Indie film, and everything that made me not like the book, was used in the movie in a humorous way. I laughed.... I didn't roll my eyes like i did when I read the dialogue in the book.... and it made it so much better. :)

i actually WANT to read the next books to find out what happens next! and I know they are an easy read... so I could... but instead, I cornered my grandmother and made her tell me (reluctantly) what happens to Bella and Edward... ha!

I want to see it again! I'm looking forward to seeing it again.

I think the cast was great. J was great... not in this one much, but when he was, he was awesome! :)

just my thoughts....



Team Jasper!

HALE YES!

Showed up

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):


There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):


I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

Notes to Self:

My legs are sore. I went to my first riding lesson today... it was nice to ride a horse again. I have a lot of confidence in myself when I'm on a horse... I wish I felt that way all of the time.

I slept for over 12 hours last night! I can't even believe I slept that long. And I'm tired now... I feel like all of my creativity was a wave... and now it's being sucked out with the tide... I still showed up: on the page and in the studio... But I felt overwhelmed and prayed for some guidance... I think I heard the answer: Patience, keep showing up and be patient.

I don't have any pictures... but... I thought I'd post some of my Notes to Self that I keep in my cell phone, just incase anyone has ever cared about the random notes in my cell phone... (I have no idea when I wrote these, some I don't even remember writing... and they're listed alphabetically):

Anger
People. New you. New Us. But don't know. Ignorance spreads. I know us. Knew you, knew me. New you. New Me. Why does the conspiracy sow a seed in the pit of my mind, and grow to emit blackness, in the absence of light...

I mean, seriously?!? what's up with the angry 15 yr old goth chick leaving notes on my phone?!?

Art Stuff
Griddle
Quilting Iron
Resin Jewelry Kit
Glass Cutter
Storage Case
Oil Paints
Sewing Pattern

YAY! I've gotten all of those items! check! check! check!

Easy
it's so easy to play it safe. And then get stuck. Stuck in routine. Stuck in the trenches of the easiest path. Stuck in what other people like about me and what I think they don't. Stuck in the past, and future. Stuck in my head and to my thoughts. Stuck in collage... Just stuck.

God
God is love and light not guilt and fear. Those are the elements of our soul not our bodies, which are dying. God is more than society and culture. God is more than contradiction and paradox in everything and everywhere. Life and death, above the cycles of human existence, God is the creator, nothing god creates ever ends. the absence of god is judgement fear guilt. God is not in the past or future; not anymore, and not yet... But god is very present in this moment and every moment.

That one had a little bit of background as to why I wrote it.

Laura Ingram
Laura ingram show?
MEAN.
Her name sounds like she should be nice. Sounds like The Little House on the Prairie.

HA! that makes me laugh...and it's very true.

Superhero Powers
Are funny.

That's what I wrote... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief)

Things to Look at
Studio Space
Residencies

Yeah, so that didn't happen....

Today
I didn't choose the road less traveled. It chose me. It's not easy, but I have to treat it like the most precious gift i could ever be given. It gives me place purpose love to share with others. it's awakened my soul, and hopefully my journey can help others to awaken.

true... but it's called "today" and I'm not sure which day that really was...

I have NO idea when I wrote any of these... except one: "Easy". .. I wrote that tonight.. and then I looked at the other strange notes on my phone, and thought: wow, these are weird.

There's one that I didn't want to share.. so it's still on my phone... it's titled "Survivors Guilt" ... I'm not really ready to share it... so I won't.

and about the goth-chick leaving notes to self on my phone... I found her... in my myspace photos... except she's about 26... not 15 ... yikes!

Would you like a Testamint?

I think I was tested to learn and practice patience today at Discount Tire....

I waited for a little over two hours to be helped and have the nozzle on my tire replaced... but I stayed patient... not only did I reach enlightenment through patience (kidding)... but they fixed it for free too! I thought I was going to have to buy two new tires.... but it was free..

But I did walk over to Hobby Lobby and spent at least an hour in there. I bought a heat gun, for encaustic, and then I saw:



So, of course I had to buy them... I didn't realize there were Bible verses on the back until just now ... This one is:

Isaiah 43:18-19
Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.


hmmm.... I think that's a good one for me... Staying present, so I don't miss the new thing... or what ever is in the present moment.

Dallas Morning News Article

Thank you to Brittany Edwards and the Dallas Morning News... They wrote what I thought (and hope others think) is a nice article about my art, and healing....

Here's the Link:
DMN Article

I've been amazed by the positive response I've gotten.... through my art, ... my story... It's just a piece of my story... which is made up of so many other stories.

I talked about the interview and wish I coulda woulda shoulda said in the the blog "Does That Make Sense?!"

I always get a bit nervous when any press comes out, I think because it's my words, interpreted by someone else, who is going to use their words for a larger group of people to interpret for themselves... but I think Brittany wrote a really nice piece (thank you).

My friend, Jayme sent me this today after she read it:

Ok, I don't know why, but this totally made me cry.

I think it is because I am so proud of you and so happy that you are on such a healthy path.
A year ago you scared me on a daily basis and I wanted you to be well so bad because I saw something in you that was dying and I didn't want it to. It was a spark and I am so happy that you didn't let that spark die. You turned it into a flame!!!
You also have so much more confidence now than only a year ago and that takes a lot to achieve - and you managed to do it in the midst of a horrible tragedy. Amazing.

I am so proud of you, Ryann. I love you and am glad to call you my friend.

Love
Jayme

Thank you, Jayme! And also to everyone... for the prayers, thoughts, support, and such kindness that gave me strength when I didn't have it myself...

Much love,

ryann