Praying for Japan

I thought about blogging, about the little idiosyncrasies of the day:
Like blogging about how someone stole my debit card info and tried to use my card, or about how I can't believe the CVS by my house is only open till 10 pm, or about how scared I was taking my little one to the dentist for the first time...

And then I think about Japan. I see the videos of the tsunami, and my heart breaks for Japan, and the people effected by the earthquake, tsunami and now the fear of radiation from the nuclear reactors...
and when I see videos like this one, I'm speechless:


How can I bitch about everyday life when my everyday life is normal!?

I still have a house, a city, a child to take to the dentist... I feel so fortunate that for today, everyone I know and love is safe and sound. I know firsthand how fast that can change... So, today, I'm embracing my mundane day-to-day activities of everyday life, and saying prayer and sending all my love to the people of Japan... and donating too...

There is one story that came out of Japan, among the countless stories of horror and heartbreak, there is one story that makes my heart happy. The story of a little baby found alive and reunited with her family.

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

Change.

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...


A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland

One year

The sunrise at Sunrise Beach, the morning of the 3rd...

It's been a good week... but a hard week.

I haven't had internet access and only was successful getting on blogger with my phone once.

I'm at Starbucks in Marble Falls now... hopefully I'll be able to get back into a routine soon.

The night of Sept 2nd... and the whole day of the 3rd was exactly one year since Carter died. I still miss him....I really was worried about it... but I kept telling myself that really it was just another day... another tuesday.... or wednesday. Each month that passed, I counted... but this mark was different.... even though I kept telling myself that it was just another day... my body told me different.

I had decided not to go to Dallas... I knew that there was a concert going on at Dada... but I couldn't do it... I had to be further away. I heard that the concert was great... everyone I've heard from has said "amazing." But in the end, I know I made the right decision to stay at the lakehouse with Steve, Mons and Kelly.

I was panicky, early on Tuesday... but was okay a little later... Then, the time of night hit me: what were Carter and I doing one year ago to the minute... As strange as this seems, it was almost like a count-down at New Year's... without the party and lightheartedness. It was almost like i relived everything.... When he died, when I was looking for him... when I saw the police.... the whole deal. Mons was great and stayed up with me... Finally at 7am, we watched the sunrise on the lake (the city the lakehouse is in is called Sunrise Beach)... it was a beautiful sunrise... after a difficult night.... I guess it is like a new year in so many ways... I've entered my second year without him, and the person I was before... My second year as "this me."

Weds... the 3rd... yesterday... I slept... a lot. Drained. Slightly aloof... finally around 6, kelly, mons and I (along with dogs) took the boat out on the lake... we had a nice time letting the dogs run and swim... and then Mons went tubing. We all went for a swim afterwards.... We had such a blast.... then....

Between getting the dogs and us back on the boat.. somehow, somewhere, the necklace, that C gave me last summer, was broken and fell to the bottom of the lake. He gave me that necklace because he wanted it to keep me safe... I haven't taken it off... and then one year, to the day he died, it broke and fell to the bottom of lake LBJ.

We searched for it.... but it's gone. I floated in the water, stared at the sky, silently prayed to God, Carter, and angels to help me part with the necklace peacefully... I'm sad... but still making peace with losing it. It was just too coincidental.... It was just an object.. a thing... there's impermanence in everything, and everyone... that's life. ..... but there's also a lot of love.

Those two days, I had an incredible outpouring of condolences and thoughts and prayers, by phone and internet. Thank you, to everyone who sent love... Sometimes when I'm not feeling strong... I borrow strength from your kindness.

I'll be back in the land of internet tomorrow and the next day.... and should be able to catch people up to date even more....