Thursday, September 4, 2008

One year

The sunrise at Sunrise Beach, the morning of the 3rd...

It's been a good week... but a hard week.

I haven't had internet access and only was successful getting on blogger with my phone once.

I'm at Starbucks in Marble Falls now... hopefully I'll be able to get back into a routine soon.

The night of Sept 2nd... and the whole day of the 3rd was exactly one year since Carter died. I still miss him....I really was worried about it... but I kept telling myself that really it was just another day... another tuesday.... or wednesday. Each month that passed, I counted... but this mark was different.... even though I kept telling myself that it was just another day... my body told me different.

I had decided not to go to Dallas... I knew that there was a concert going on at Dada... but I couldn't do it... I had to be further away. I heard that the concert was great... everyone I've heard from has said "amazing." But in the end, I know I made the right decision to stay at the lakehouse with Steve, Mons and Kelly.

I was panicky, early on Tuesday... but was okay a little later... Then, the time of night hit me: what were Carter and I doing one year ago to the minute... As strange as this seems, it was almost like a count-down at New Year's... without the party and lightheartedness. It was almost like i relived everything.... When he died, when I was looking for him... when I saw the police.... the whole deal. Mons was great and stayed up with me... Finally at 7am, we watched the sunrise on the lake (the city the lakehouse is in is called Sunrise Beach)... it was a beautiful sunrise... after a difficult night.... I guess it is like a new year in so many ways... I've entered my second year without him, and the person I was before... My second year as "this me."

Weds... the 3rd... yesterday... I slept... a lot. Drained. Slightly aloof... finally around 6, kelly, mons and I (along with dogs) took the boat out on the lake... we had a nice time letting the dogs run and swim... and then Mons went tubing. We all went for a swim afterwards.... We had such a blast.... then....

Between getting the dogs and us back on the boat.. somehow, somewhere, the necklace, that C gave me last summer, was broken and fell to the bottom of the lake. He gave me that necklace because he wanted it to keep me safe... I haven't taken it off... and then one year, to the day he died, it broke and fell to the bottom of lake LBJ.

We searched for it.... but it's gone. I floated in the water, stared at the sky, silently prayed to God, Carter, and angels to help me part with the necklace peacefully... I'm sad... but still making peace with losing it. It was just too coincidental.... It was just an object.. a thing... there's impermanence in everything, and everyone... that's life. ..... but there's also a lot of love.

Those two days, I had an incredible outpouring of condolences and thoughts and prayers, by phone and internet. Thank you, to everyone who sent love... Sometimes when I'm not feeling strong... I borrow strength from your kindness.

I'll be back in the land of internet tomorrow and the next day.... and should be able to catch people up to date even more....

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