New Year's reality checks

Okay... So...

I made resolutions this year. I had a goal... or goals...

My first goal/resolution was to be, think and speak more positively. I think in the last 3 years, I've developed a pretty negative inner dialogue, and I don't want to become a bitter person... so this year's goal was to get out of the negativity and negative thinking! So far, I think I'm doing alright... (notice the positive tone :))

My second goal is to get back into art.

This is where I'm having a problem.

I promised myself that I would start a painting by the end of January... That didn't happen.... I stared and stared at a blank canvas... But I wasn't staring at a blank canvas sitting in front of me... the blank canvas is tucked away between the chest of drawers and the wall of my bedroom. But I know it's there... and it's the one I'm going to paint on.... eventually. I hope.

AH! Artist's block!

I haven't painted anything since the baby was born... 15 months ago!

People say having a baby should be creatively inspiring... but I feel like I used up all of my creative juices growing him, and then taking care of him... and now chasing him... After he goes to bed, and I'm done cleaning up the toddler mess, I would much rather veg out on the couch with a glass of wine and watch the Jersey Shore than get out paints and start trying to be creative...

So, I bought a camera. A big bad SLR camera... well, not the baddest, but the entry model of the baddest: a Nikon 3100. I had these delusions of skipping around with my awesome new camera, taking amazing, artistic shots of the world around me... taking amazing, artistic and creative shots of my toddler... but (reality check) that's not happening either.

I'm learning how to use my camera. And I'm also learning that it's impossible to set up a shot, and adjust the settings on my camera all while chasing a really fast toddler.

I guess the artsy stuff will come later... until then, I will enjoy the Jersey Shore, and Photoshop will be my best friend.


This is my most "artsy" shot to date (and I don't think this really "counts"):

Peaceful Place

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

Learning marketing, the cyber-savvy way

I thought I knew marketing... I thought I knew networking.... I thought I understood the online world of both.... Then, today, I met Damien Franco... His blog is www.yourphototips.com... and he totally schooled me!

I wish I'd had taken notes the whole time... I learned so much from him... from Flickr groups, to tags, to linking to someone's site so that they link back to yours... So much information that my head is still spinning! I was basically in awe, sitting there like, "teach me your ways, wise one." Thank you so much Damien! I'm looking forward to meeting up with him and his wife this weekend!

I'm tired or I'd have checked out some of the web sites he referred me to... and would write a lot more... but, (like I said) I'm tired... so I will later...

I did check out Blurb.com today... I'm gonna try to put a portfolio/book together... but my scans aren't ready yet... hopefully they'll be done tomorrow.

I did go to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff to collage with... even though it's really cool stuff, I kinda wanna kick myself for adding more options for me to use... I should just work with the stuff I already have... But the new stuff is SOOO cool! And on SALE!
I bought this bag of fall stuff, with leaves:


and Squirrels! SQUIRRELS!


The leaves may or may not go on that piece... the squirrels definitely won't ... I just wanted to check out all of the fun new crap I bought!

I also moved the moth and doily aside and tried this on the clover background:


And I bought WHITE india ink! I wanted to use it to brighten up that collage piece that has been fighting me.... and it worked... except for I accidentally put too much on the angel's face and erased it's features. I'll have to go back in and fix that:


A lot of just trial and error... and moving things around...

Oh! and I've had these gold frames for a while... (two of them) and in the same bag with the squirrels and leaves there were two trees.. Just an idea:


Okay... I'm really tired... going riding again tomorrow... and then I'm going to checkout all the websites and info I learned... Maybe I'll even start to use Flickr the right way!

what are you wrapped up in?

When I was in Dallas a week or two ago (wow, time is so insignificant...), I participated in my friend Tiffany Volmer's project. (original concept by tiffany volmer, photography by hal samples).

Tiff is putting together a project about women and what they are wrapped up in. She started this two years ago, when she experienced significant losses in her own life. That kind of suffering makes any soul search... and want to express themselves... that's what i do... that's what Tiffany is doing....

It comes from such a honest place. The place where suffering makes you crumble or leaves you no choice but to be stronger than you ever thought you'd be... That's why I agreed to participate in Tiff's project, with Hal Samples (a friend and an amazing photographer).

I'm only one of the women and concepts of Tiff's idea, and Hal's photography.... But i want to share my experience.

Tiff (a make-up artist and costume designer... also just a badass artist), painted me all white... even my hair... which took washing at LEAST 35 times before the oily white base came off....

It was translucent, and Tiff made a heart that was broken, but then glued back together and then tied with a bow of gauze... and that was glued on my chest. She also penciled in veins... to show, (my words, not her's... yet) that the heart was broken but mended... i was white... but the heart still pumped blood through my veins...

She will be setting up a website soon... and I'll keep everyone posted on her project... and Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) is the amazing photographer who took these photo's and many more.... I feel the two of them worked together to create an amazing experience for me that expresses loss, suffering and a broken heart, but also hope, and love... LOVE that we choose to let help us to overcome suffering and make us more awake to love and so, so much stronger....

those two are an incredible team.... thank you to both... I'm so glad I was able to be a part of your project.

Facebook Narcissist? No.... just Schizotypal

So, last week I read an article that talked about narcissism and Facebook. The study cited, claimed that by seeing a persons Facebook or Myspace profile they could determine whether he or she was a narcissist...

So, so I started to wonder.... By looking at my facebook and myspace pages would they think I'm a narcissist???

What is a narcissist:

• Psychology extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

So... i looked up personality disorder tests... I found one... I took it... turns out there is a very low probability of me being a narcissist ... but I have a high probability of being Schizotypal... of all of the personality disorders, that was the only one that came up as me having a "high" level on... Why? Because I believe in intuition and miracles... and things that are unexplainable...

honestly, I don't believe a word, especially since it was a personality disorder test i took online just for fun... but, I do think it's really funny.

This is where it fits in to my day:

I cleaned and packed today... and took two pieces of mine to a juried art show here in Midland (one was a page from my nature journal, and the other was the vase I painted that is reminiscent of the "big mouth bass" singing fish....), Kel has work entered as well... After that, Justin got to Midland.

I was really excited to take him out to Our Lady Guadalupe Catholic church... it's outside, and amazing photo opps...I sketched and he took amazing pics...


as we were leaving, we were talking about our pics and a woman (looked like a nurse, she was wearing scrubs), said, "did you see it pulsating?"

We thought she meant the shrine... no, she meant the sun. She said if you look right at the sun, it pulsates and spins... and it doesn't hurt your eyes. She also told us about pictures she'd taken of the sun... pictures where she'd seen her grandmother... and others where she could see babies in the clouds... and it looked like umbilical cords attached to the sun...

Then she looked at the sun... and said, "it's pulsating now!" Justin and I both tried to see it... and both were blinded... I tried again, and it did look like it was pulsating... but I think it was my retina throbbing...

When we got in the car.. JV and I talked about skepticism and miracles... Was the sun pulsating for me? no.... but it was for her. And I don't doubt that. I took pictures of the moon this summer... they came out EVERYTIME like perfect hearts... the moon wasn't shaped that way that night... i know it was my hands shaking... but it still meant a lot to me... So I guess anyone who believes in miracles is in the Schizotypal group... at least we know we're in good company! :)

Tomorrow we leave for Monahans (for a once a year bluegrass festival!) and Marathon... all these west Texas cities start with M!

We both know this is going to be an amazing trip... EVERYTHING has been falling into place just right.