Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Mother's Day

3 years ago, if you would have told me that I would be a mother of an 18 month old, I would have laughed in your face, "NO WAY!" There is no way I could have possibly imagined the path that life has taken me.

Four years ago, after suffering the sudden and tragic loss of the love of my life, I was searching.... searching for life, searching for clues... searching for myself, searching for a reason to want to live. I drove across the country and back. Along the way I was partying way too much... I was smoking cigarettes by the carton, drinking, popping pills, anything to keep me from feeling like a part of real life.

I had just decided to move to a new city. I had just signed the lease to a cute studio apartment, I was two weeks away from moving. The last thing I was expecting was to be expecting... and then it happened. My body was acting a little funky, so on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was IMMEDIATELY positive. Like an out-of-body experience, I stood there... holding the test... I could barely even read the results because my hand was shaking so badly. I felt weak. I felt like I was going to faint. So, I popped a Klonopin and made the phone call.... "I'm pregnant." That was just a little over two years ago...

Now I have this perfect little man, this little being in my life who is the love of my life. I have this little family that I love so very dearly. I have found life again. I love being a part of life again. Being a mother has changed my life for the better, I take better care of myself, because I want to make sure I can be there for him to provide him with the best life possible. I look into his eyes and I find the strength that I never knew I had, and I find love that I never knew I'd ever be able to experience, on a level that I never even knew existed.

10 comments:

Randomlocity said...

awww.. such a sweet post about your little man. i personally don't have any children, but i do have a godson and he is my everything, so i can't imagine how it must feel when you have your own children.

SarahEW said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I too don't have children of my own, but I have 19 lil five year olds in my class. I feel like a mother to every single one of them, and would literally do ANYTHING for them.

This post shows how wonderful of a mother you are! I hope you have a beautiful Mother's Day tomorrow!

Sarah

StephMonro said...

I am glad that you have found life again :) Happy belated Mother's Day!

Steph

karma girl said...

"Being a mother has changed my life for the better, I take better care of myself, because I want to make sure I can be there for him to provide him with the best life possible. I look into his eyes and I find the strength that I never knew I had, and I find love that I never knew I'd ever be able to experience, on a level that I never even knew existed." <-- This sums up how I feel. Thanks for putting this feeling into words. I am the mom to 2 little girls and they are my guiding force on a daily basis. Hope you had a great Mother's Day!

Kate Young said...

Kids have a way of making us look at life differently. Giving us a purpose. My oldest daughter brought me out of the world self destruction. You have a great story, thank you for not being afrain to share it.

BitterSweetRebel said...

You filled my eyes with tears..
I wish the best to you and little Asher..

xoxo

K. said...

I honestly believe if i hadn't fallen pregnant with my sons, i would have continued down a very self destructive path and don't really know if i would still be here today.
My boys are everything to me and they make me want to be a better person and make the world a better place for them.

Like you if someone had told me i'd be a mother now, i would have laughed (actually i never thought i'd be a mother ever...). Now i can't imagine my life without them.

heather patterson said...

I was an out of control teen, I had sex unprotected all the time for years! At 17 it caught up with me! I got pregnant, married then a year later I had a baby and was divorced. A few years later pregnant by the same guy again and married again a few years later! We now have two sons ages fifteen and twelve and our princess daughter who turns five today! We lost our house to a fire the day after christmas and just moved into our dream home a few months ago. Life is never what you plan but its what you make of it. We eventually made something pretty spectacular with our lives and I am very greatful every day that fate decided things for me, there is NO telling how I would have ended up with out fate.

Charmie said...

It's so strange how you have no idea how your life changes for the better when you have a child!

How you can be having the crappiest day and then your kid crawls or walks or smiles to you and you are a goner!!!!

But you just can't imagine the capacity you have to love someone that much!!! It's a miracle.

I'm glad that you have that...it's such a gift.

Nichole said...

Ahhh. Story of my life. I enjoy reading your posts and blogs. Kinda warming to find another with my similarities and realize things are gonna be ok. The major partying found me pregnant and soon married because I believed it was the correct thing to do. Still married, 12 years later with two wonderful girls of 12 & 5. Some parts of life are tough but like you I do what it takes to protect them & to make positive I am here for them. Their father an alcoholic, tends to be a downfall with the intimate portion of my life, but a good father. So, I sacrifice some of the things in life that may make me happy to give those two girls the best life possible. As a mother, no one knows how life changes for you in a single moment. To have a connection to a being that is unbreakable and that that being is your whole heart.

I enjoy reading your material. Thank you.
Nichole