There are LOTs of deer (or deers) at the Lakehouse...
So, to be blunt: today sucked. I woke up and felt more lonely than I have in a long time. I miss Carter, it snuck up on me and hit hard. I miss him. I feel so alone. I miss my friends.
That was what I started to write at the lakehouse. I spent two nights there... now I'm back in Lockhart. I have wonderful friends... sometimes I just feel so alone... even though i know I'm not.
I'm gonna go ahead and post this blog.... I'll post lighter stuff in another...
My outside does look completely healed... but my inside's not. It's hard to look so normal... but not feel normal... I want them to match... but they don't. I had a freak out... it came out of nowhere... I guess it had to have come out of somewhere... I've been traveling so much, and have not been alone or had to deal with loneliness for a while. The pain, grief, and anger are out of my control... and sometimes I try to fight so hard to control those emotions, but I end up identifying with them... and that just makes things worse. I'm glad I have such wonderful friends. After a few insane phone calls, Steve came out to the lakehouse... i'd never ask for the help... so I'm glad I didn't have to. It's good to know that even when I feel alone... people care. I'm sorry i caused worry or alarm.... that was never my intention. I don't know what my intentions were, I was just really really sad.
I feel sorry for anyone who deals with me... i don't like dragging my friends through my muck. The kindness I've seen and experienced is... well.... I don't know what words to even use. Just thank you... i guess.
love,
r
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