This Little Bird

5 years ago, I peacefully sat at my dining room table one night drawing this little bird.

I had no idea what the next week held for me, and that it would shatter my world. While I drew this little bird over and over, obsessing about the tail not being the right angle, erasing and redrawing and erasing again, I had no idea that in such a short amount of time, the man I loved and planned to marry would be killed suddenly and tragically by my neighbor.

While I sat and drew this little bird, I felt safe in my house. I had no idea that in just one week, the house would become a place of horror, memories and nightmares that would haunt me for years. While I drew this little bird I never imagined I wouldn't feel safe in my house, and would never draw another little bird at that table again.

When I drew this little bird, I thought I had everything, and I did. A man who loved me and wanted to share his life with me and me with him, a career path for myself, a house I owned and the plans to remodel it... I had no idea that in a week after drawing this little bird, that I would be broken into a million pieces. I had no idea that I would be unable to fully pull the pieces of myself back together and become me again for years.

When I drew this little bird, I had no idea what journey lay ahead of me, and I definitely didn't know that this little bird would leave me, and her journey would be so much different than mine.

After the night Carter was killed, I was still in shock at the police station, while this little bird sat in a pile of drawings on my dining room table. The end of Carter's life, and my life as I knew it, was the beginning of this little bird having a life of her own. That day, while grief's hands ripped at my chest and stomach, this little bird was found and freed. I always thought she would stay with me, as part of me, but when I was too weak to stand, someone took her and promised her a better life. I don't blame this little bird... I was a mess at the time.

The next few years I wandered aimlessly, searching for signs and clues in nature and all around me to tell me to live, and why I should want to live. Simultaneously as I wandered, unbeknownst to me, the person who promised this little bird a better life had bigger plans for her than just me; a wreckage of tears.

This little bird was copied and put into frames with lyrics of Carter's and given out to those around her, but not me... Even though I'd been promised one of these cherished items, I never received one. That's when I knew this little bird had begun to change, and left me in the dust.

She must have sensed my weakness and thought she could fill the role I was too "emotionally unstable" to fill. This little bird became tired of just being "Ryann's" little bird, drawn with pencil on paper. She wanted to be much bigger than that.

I would have never guessed that this little bird would become so many things. So many of the things she became I only found out about through other little birds telling me long after the fact.

While I searched for myself and sense of security, this little bird was given wings, became a tattoo, a company logo, a name for a horse, a concert poster, and then came full circle to raise money for a foundation started in Carter's memory.

This little bird must have sensed that I was too weak for the task. So she became the symbol for my idea born in the aftermath, of my grief, that I had shared with the person who lured her away. My idea to take pieces of Carter, his guitar strings that he had loved and touched, and make them into something tangible I could wear and hold on to. Instead, this little bird taught me that nothing tangible lasts forever.

It's 5 years later. I'm not broken anymore. I still love and miss Carter everyday. He and I delighted in this little bird together. Even though I wish I was included in memorials to him, I take some satisfaction in knowing that this little bird I drew, well before I knew grief, has taken on a life of her own and is very front and center in his memory, even if I'm not.

So I left this little bird behind, but always had my eye on this bird from afar. I moved on and forward with my head held high and his love and memories tattooed on my heart. I have a new love of my life, he is 3 and makes my heart smile everyday: I am a mother now. I have plans for my future, but I know not to trust in plans too much. I know that there is no boring in life. The moments where nothing is happening are peaceful and the most beautiful moments of all. I no longer take those moments for granted. I've found me again. I'm strong again. Strong enough to tell everyone that this is my little bird, and I'm ready for this little bird to claim me too.

I'm so proud of this little bird, and all she has accomplished. I'm sad she felt the need to shut me out and pretend like I didn't create her with love and care. This little bird left me in my darkest days to pursue her desires without even a postcard from her journey. This little bird broke my heart, but at the same time, this little bird has made me proud to say, "she's mine!"

Hummingbirds

This is a hummingbird that I started today.

Check out this beautiful song that my dear friend Manya, and her band, Blue Petal wrote for me after Carter's death.

It's called "Hummingbird"

You can hear it on my Myspace page.... just a warning: I have not updated my myspace page in ages.

and here is a direct link to Manya's myspace page

And when you fall in love with her music and voice, the CD Blue Petal, Golden Storybook is available on CD Baby and iTunes.

This is a blog that wrote on my myspace page almost two years ago:

October 19th, 2007

why hummingbirds... i don't know. The last night I saw carter i was finishing the 5th of my bird drawings... it was a hummingbird. the other day i found a shirt I bought about a year ago... on it it has a beautiful hummingbird, and underneath that it says 10:30 Sept 2nd. 10:30 pm, is about the time i was finishing my hummingbird drawing, before i met carter out on Sept 2nd... the last time i saw him, since he was killed on the morning of the 3rd. The shirt also says Thurs and A7 - which i don't understand the significance of.

Since then, Manya (Blue Petal), wrote me a beautiful song about hummingbirds, and just today i was given a tail feather of a hummingbird. what is the significance of hummingbirds?

then I found this: Significance of Hummingbirds

"In many traditional cultures of the western world the hummingbird has powerful religious and spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, for example, the hummingbird is taken to be a symbol of resurrection. This is because each hummer becomes lifeless and seems to die on cold nights, but it comes back to life again when the miraculous sunrise brings warmth.

Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one really gets hurt. They teach us simple courage. Andrews says the twittering, vibrating sounds of the hummingbirds bring us an internal masage that restores health and balance.

Hummingbirds also inspire us to protect the environment and to preserve old traditions that are in danger of being lost. When Native American ways were being destroyed by the expanding Euro-American culture, the Ghost-Shirt religion was established to try to bring back the animals and old ways through dancing. The leader of the dance was a hummingbird....

Certainly hummingbird magic is available to all who live in the New World. There is something inside the soul of all of us that wants to soar through sunbeams, then dance midair in a delicate mist, then take a simple bath on a leaf.

There is something in our souls that wants to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, making them freeze in time. There is something in us that wants to fly backwards and savor once more the beautiful past.

Some of us are just hummingbird people."

Maybe I'm a hummingbird person.

If you've read my "bubbles" blog, you know how I feel about bubbles.

Here is a picture I found of a hummingbird with bubbles:



maybe i constantly search for signs.... possibly too much... but it gives me some sense of comfort. I would never have thought, but maybe i'm a "hummingbird person"

Presence

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.


This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

Another "Notes to Self"

I'm back in Midland, but I've spent the last few weeks in Austin, "feeling it out"... but not ready to make a commitment to moving... I guess I was waiting for my pumpkin to be turned into a carriage or something.... but then, it was brought to my attention..... and I realized: I have to decide.... make a decision even if it's scary and there is no fairy godmother involved.....

So, I found a place, in Austin.... In the neighborhood I like.... its a SMALL studio apartment.... (400 sq ft).... but you know what? I don't need "stuff".... there's NO safety in objects... Or ideas, plans or people... so I think this will be a good thing for me..

i'm back in Midland now.... with my pups.. and family....

My B-day is on Lundi Gras this year.... so, my parents used their airline credits and (AWWWWW YEAH) I'm headed down to NOLA for Carnival time! It'll be good.... I haven't seen my friends there in years.... and Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday.... i just don't know what I should be (costume-wise)..... We'll see.... I'm excited to go there!

Soooo... Since it's late and I'm tired...

I thought I'd do another "notes to self" segment..... (the random notes I write myself on my phone.... but I usually forget I wrote):

50
Arachnidiot: A person who accidentally wanders into an "invisible" spider web and begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

(yes I've done that.... and seen others do it too.... I copied this down from the Galaxy Cafe)

Hawaii
(seen in Kauai)

Mele Kalikimaka

"Drifted objects tumbled pieces of life, only the strongest reach the shore to be found and transformed, abstract representations of life lived." (quote from an artist at Little Tsunami Tattoo)

I Need

Someone to tell me to "go to bed" at a decent hour.... Being a night person has its darkside, especially when you're trying to live on the light side. Some hate the moon.... I tend to lean towards the side that hates the sun...f mornings!!!

Is it possible?
If i sleep in my scarf, could I accidentally strangle myself in my sleep?

Love:
I'm in love:
With what love gives
and what it takes.
Giving myself love,
Giving to love...
In the end:
It all goes back to love....
We all return to love.....

Nothing:
I don't have anything earth-shattering to say;
Nothing amazing to say...
I just have my thoughts,
my voice,
my one voice in the sea of billions,
my one voice in the history of trillions
of life stories.....
past, present, future...

One More
One more cigarette.
One more time.
One more minute.
One more chance to say what I wanted to.....
What I meant to.
Just one more.
.... and then another one.

What?!
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What?
Sorry, I don't hear well....
....{these are} conversations i have.....

Peaceful Place

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

Change.

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...


A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland

Moth balls? no....

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time



This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)


Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....



there's more...

Professional Grey fighter in a Box of Revlon "Soft Black"

I woke up really un-godly early... but early enough to see my sister off to school... my mom off to take her to school and then go to Bible study... and my dad go quail hunting..... I mean REAL early... like 7:15 or something similar; so early, it could be nighttime! :)

Kelly arrived back in Maine from Mumbai, India, safely, today. So so so thankful and glad for her safe trip.... I can't wait to see pics... I'm still jealous...

I'm on day 2 of my OH-CRAP-I'M-GOING-TO-HAWAII-IN-12-DAYS diet... yeah... not working so great... I HEART carbs... I mean, I could live on them... well... the first day of the diet is fruit only..... (i know... there are carbs in fruit.... but not the good/bad/fun kind!).... Zumba class was fun yesterday... what a crazy workout... like step aerobics...on raver drugs. My calves are super sore today... Tomorrow I have a riding lesson.... sore again!

Tomorrow, I also leave to go to Dallas... Art Conspiracy!!! I'm nervous... still... and stressed.... (like everytime I go to Dallas... except for more stressed).... but I keep reminding myself: IT'S FOR CHARITY.... but still... me, painting, on a time schedule, and painting in public?? Yikes! i'm like "The Little Hermit Painter".... but, I'm SO excited to paint with Jayme (like we used to!), and I'm so honored to be a part of Art con again this year.

Oh! Today, I noticed a forest of grey hair on my head... I knew I had some... maybe more than some.... but a forest?!? no....

After C died, my hair was falling out in the fist-full's ... When I went to a doctor, she told me that was not abnormal after experiencing severe shock and trauma.... but she told me, "don't worry, it'll grow back".... (like, i cared about my hair then....) ... but, she was right. It has grown back.... GREY! Or rather: white and wiry.....Either way, it's grown back, but not the same... I could use that as a metaphor for myself... but I'm too tired (and hungry) to go there.

So, I noticed a grey wiry forest, thriving on my scalp... and it made me do, what i've been threatening to do, to my do, for months:

BREAK OUT THE BOX O' HAIR DYE! and BLACK!

Yes. it's black... well... technically "soft black".... but not grey! YAY for NO grey!

I also freaked out about what I'm gonna paint on friday for Art Con.... have I mentioned that?!

just kidding... I know I did... a lot....

I also know it'll be great and fun, like last year! I hope to see as many peeps as possible there! xoxo

Showed up

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):


There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):


I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

Notes to Self:

My legs are sore. I went to my first riding lesson today... it was nice to ride a horse again. I have a lot of confidence in myself when I'm on a horse... I wish I felt that way all of the time.

I slept for over 12 hours last night! I can't even believe I slept that long. And I'm tired now... I feel like all of my creativity was a wave... and now it's being sucked out with the tide... I still showed up: on the page and in the studio... But I felt overwhelmed and prayed for some guidance... I think I heard the answer: Patience, keep showing up and be patient.

I don't have any pictures... but... I thought I'd post some of my Notes to Self that I keep in my cell phone, just incase anyone has ever cared about the random notes in my cell phone... (I have no idea when I wrote these, some I don't even remember writing... and they're listed alphabetically):

Anger
People. New you. New Us. But don't know. Ignorance spreads. I know us. Knew you, knew me. New you. New Me. Why does the conspiracy sow a seed in the pit of my mind, and grow to emit blackness, in the absence of light...

I mean, seriously?!? what's up with the angry 15 yr old goth chick leaving notes on my phone?!?

Art Stuff
Griddle
Quilting Iron
Resin Jewelry Kit
Glass Cutter
Storage Case
Oil Paints
Sewing Pattern

YAY! I've gotten all of those items! check! check! check!

Easy
it's so easy to play it safe. And then get stuck. Stuck in routine. Stuck in the trenches of the easiest path. Stuck in what other people like about me and what I think they don't. Stuck in the past, and future. Stuck in my head and to my thoughts. Stuck in collage... Just stuck.

God
God is love and light not guilt and fear. Those are the elements of our soul not our bodies, which are dying. God is more than society and culture. God is more than contradiction and paradox in everything and everywhere. Life and death, above the cycles of human existence, God is the creator, nothing god creates ever ends. the absence of god is judgement fear guilt. God is not in the past or future; not anymore, and not yet... But god is very present in this moment and every moment.

That one had a little bit of background as to why I wrote it.

Laura Ingram
Laura ingram show?
MEAN.
Her name sounds like she should be nice. Sounds like The Little House on the Prairie.

HA! that makes me laugh...and it's very true.

Superhero Powers
Are funny.

That's what I wrote... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief)

Things to Look at
Studio Space
Residencies

Yeah, so that didn't happen....

Today
I didn't choose the road less traveled. It chose me. It's not easy, but I have to treat it like the most precious gift i could ever be given. It gives me place purpose love to share with others. it's awakened my soul, and hopefully my journey can help others to awaken.

true... but it's called "today" and I'm not sure which day that really was...

I have NO idea when I wrote any of these... except one: "Easy". .. I wrote that tonight.. and then I looked at the other strange notes on my phone, and thought: wow, these are weird.

There's one that I didn't want to share.. so it's still on my phone... it's titled "Survivors Guilt" ... I'm not really ready to share it... so I won't.

and about the goth-chick leaving notes to self on my phone... I found her... in my myspace photos... except she's about 26... not 15 ... yikes!

Dallas Morning News Article

Thank you to Brittany Edwards and the Dallas Morning News... They wrote what I thought (and hope others think) is a nice article about my art, and healing....

Here's the Link:
DMN Article

I've been amazed by the positive response I've gotten.... through my art, ... my story... It's just a piece of my story... which is made up of so many other stories.

I talked about the interview and wish I coulda woulda shoulda said in the the blog "Does That Make Sense?!"

I always get a bit nervous when any press comes out, I think because it's my words, interpreted by someone else, who is going to use their words for a larger group of people to interpret for themselves... but I think Brittany wrote a really nice piece (thank you).

My friend, Jayme sent me this today after she read it:

Ok, I don't know why, but this totally made me cry.

I think it is because I am so proud of you and so happy that you are on such a healthy path.
A year ago you scared me on a daily basis and I wanted you to be well so bad because I saw something in you that was dying and I didn't want it to. It was a spark and I am so happy that you didn't let that spark die. You turned it into a flame!!!
You also have so much more confidence now than only a year ago and that takes a lot to achieve - and you managed to do it in the midst of a horrible tragedy. Amazing.

I am so proud of you, Ryann. I love you and am glad to call you my friend.

Love
Jayme

Thank you, Jayme! And also to everyone... for the prayers, thoughts, support, and such kindness that gave me strength when I didn't have it myself...

Much love,

ryann

"Does that make sense?!"

A few weeks ago, when I was in Dallas, I was interviewed for the Dallas Morning News Home section, about my art work...

The woman who interviewed me is so nice, she is the same one who did my write up for DailyCandy.com back in May.

But, I felt scattered in the interview... because there was SO much to say, and I had only an hour. I wanted her to know all of my artistic journey (which is not as much DMN article material as it is... well... a BOOK). I didn't know where to start, or what to say...

I tried my best... she told me I was making sense... I wasn't sure...

Usually when I'm talking about many things I'm passionate about simultaneously I usually ask, "does that make sense?" over, and over and over again..... because, most of the time, I know what I'm trying to say... but my words don't capture my thoughts and feelings... and I'm very abstract at times... so most people just smile and nod when I ask, "does that make sense?"

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards ... also I sent her an email afterwards, with the subject "Things I shoulda said":

"10-26-08
I just had an interview about my art. It's so hard to put my art into an hour long interview. I have journals and blogs that chronicle most of my journey, my life's journey.... learning... healing. I don't even know how to describe everything... and put it in a nutshell...

My art is so much bigger than me... about honesty, healing, stories.... my stories.... telling stories with symbols... but sometimes even a simples shape or object carries more weight than I can even know.. It comes from something else... in me... but not me... God? Love? The collective consciousness? Every little moment in time and each story since the beginning has brought me to my place, my current story... it's not even MY art...

Art was always there... and will always be... art and love.

Unfortunately, for most (including me), it takes suffering to be able to see, really SEE, the art and love in everything. Carter's death was the catalyst for my art... but it does not define it... but with love he's allowed me to see.. and share.

To me, art at first was a story.. my story, and heart crying to make sense of senselessness... Now art I make has changed as the story has evolved... I'm awake and alert... my eyes are opened, and i want to express that sight/insight with art. I try to respond moment by moment... Not holding on to how things are "supposed to be"... because we don't know how things are "supposed to be" ... that's the mystery of life, our stories are never what they're supposed to be (to us), but they are the pieces of the fabric of stories that come together to create the human story of life....

When I make art now, I want to share my journey. When I travel and see beautiful scenery; a landscape, and remember the landscape, I don't just remember the view, but I remember the feel of the rock i sat on, the falcon that flew over my head, the butterfly that landed by me, as if it wanted to be observed... they aren't the snapshot of the landscape, but they are a part of my experience and connection to that landscape at that moment... With art I try to express my personal experiences in those moments.."


Sorry.... a little longer than i meant to write... and I left a lot out... So, did that make sense? ha. joking... kinda....

Well, i don't know when the article is coming out... I'm working on new work too... I'd like to get into a gallery.... because I don't know how to do this myself... I am sending stuff to the Gypsy Wagon... so they'll have prints... I get overwhelmed with that part...

So, today... I read the book The Shack. I got it... but I'll talk about it another time.

i really really really wanted to do something else instead of the encaustic collage I've been working on... but I HAD to fix it... so I did... a bit... still not done, but not annoying me so badly:



Then I started a new really small collage, it might be done... It's so hard to tell... I think if they were both framed nicely, it'd make a HUGE difference...



Sorry about the photos.. My camera still has this big black blurry spot in the picture...

Encaustic collage comes back, as another one (camera) bites the dust..

Why am I the kiss of death for digital cameras?!? Every time I buy one, something happens! This summer I lost one to "lens error", then tonight I tried to take pictures of my work but there is a huge black fuzzy dot in the middle! I tried to clean the lens.. but it's still there... ugh! What is it? Will it go away?



All of my pics below were taken off-centered, and cropped so the dot won't show...


The last two days here in Midland, I've fought my Resistance... and won... I need to stop judging the results though.

I've unpacked my stuff. It's not a hard thing to do, but it's been harder, because I haven't been really settled and unpacked anywhere since last year when C was killed... I've been a refugee of sorts... When i stayed at the house my parents rented for me in Dallas, i was unpacked... but not settled.... my mind wasn't settled...

I'm so used to living out of a suitcase now, it's kinda scary... and sad.

But, i unpacked. and organized (almost everything)

I've written in my journal for the second day in a row (I'm proud of myself for that), and I've blogged (also proud of myself), and I've tried to do some encaustic collage....

I'm trying to not judge what I do... and let it happen... but it's HARD!

Here's my process: I had masonite board that I coated in beeswax medium, and then I took a paper doll book (that I bought on the Big Bend trip), a sewing pattern for dresses.. some doilies, and tissue papers.... I used a quilting iron that I bought a few months ago and collaged on the pieces wax...

It started like this:



And then I decided to add the Indian Girl paper doll book:



and



Those pictures were taken with my cell, so the color is a bit different...

Then, today i decided to add more dress pattern and color in the dresses.... I'm not really happy with how this looks... it's too abstract for me... I may cut out the paper doll dresses.... I'm still working with this though:



I'm trying not to judge what I do... and just react to what I put down instead... Sometimes I stop myself, and say out loud, "thinking, judging, let go..."

I may let that project sit for a few days before I get back to it...

I've been somewhat of a hermit here so far (but for two days... does that even count?!?), I'm tired from all of the traveling... and I'm ready to get to work ... and make some work I'm happy with... i think I need to be a little bit of a recluse to tap back in to my connectedness and creativity flow. Does that just make me strange? probably.... but a lot of the great artists and writers were considered "strange". I know I'm not "normal"... and I'm finally making peace with that.

I'm fighting fear right now... fear of being an artist, or a writer... just fear of patience... maybe? fear of failure and fear of success... It makes me want to hide... but I can't. I KNOW something good will come... but I'm being tested. Damn that "Resistance!".

what are you wrapped up in?

When I was in Dallas a week or two ago (wow, time is so insignificant...), I participated in my friend Tiffany Volmer's project. (original concept by tiffany volmer, photography by hal samples).

Tiff is putting together a project about women and what they are wrapped up in. She started this two years ago, when she experienced significant losses in her own life. That kind of suffering makes any soul search... and want to express themselves... that's what i do... that's what Tiffany is doing....

It comes from such a honest place. The place where suffering makes you crumble or leaves you no choice but to be stronger than you ever thought you'd be... That's why I agreed to participate in Tiff's project, with Hal Samples (a friend and an amazing photographer).

I'm only one of the women and concepts of Tiff's idea, and Hal's photography.... But i want to share my experience.

Tiff (a make-up artist and costume designer... also just a badass artist), painted me all white... even my hair... which took washing at LEAST 35 times before the oily white base came off....

It was translucent, and Tiff made a heart that was broken, but then glued back together and then tied with a bow of gauze... and that was glued on my chest. She also penciled in veins... to show, (my words, not her's... yet) that the heart was broken but mended... i was white... but the heart still pumped blood through my veins...

She will be setting up a website soon... and I'll keep everyone posted on her project... and Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) is the amazing photographer who took these photo's and many more.... I feel the two of them worked together to create an amazing experience for me that expresses loss, suffering and a broken heart, but also hope, and love... LOVE that we choose to let help us to overcome suffering and make us more awake to love and so, so much stronger....

those two are an incredible team.... thank you to both... I'm so glad I was able to be a part of your project.

synchronicity.

Are there coincidences or are all coincidences signs; synchronicity...

Who knows... maybe I'm more alert and awake... maybe it's just because I believe... i don't know...

The other day I had a deep conversation with Steve, about signs, what I've learned and seen and continue to... he told me that my signs reminded him of a book, "A Severe Mercy" ... He sent me a link to the book on Amazon.com...

This is a brief synopsis from the review on Amazon.com:

After her death Sheldon embarks on an intense experience of grief, "to find the meaning of it, taste the whole of it ... to learn from sorrow whatever it had to teach." Through painstaking reveries, he comes to discover the meaning of "a mercy as severe as death, a severity as merciful as love." He learns that her death "had these results: It brought me as nothing else could do to know and end my jealously of God. It saved her faith from assault. ...And it saved our love from perishing."

When looked into it, I read the review (which is all too familiar) and the cover of the book stopped me: Ii thought I'd stayed up too late, or was crazy, but the man on the cover resembled C... the couple resembled me and C... I've been reassured by friends that I was not crazy... they see it too...


Today I saw my dear friend Kristin... she bought me a print from an artist. The artist is Brian Andreas... the print is called "More Fair"

She found it at a gallery in Galveston a week before it was destroyed by Ike... the print says:

"They left me with your shadow,
saying things like: Life is not fair

& I believed them for a long time.

But today, I remembered the way you laughed
& the heat of your hand in mine...
& I knew that life is more fair than we can ever imagine...

if we are there to live it."

The song, the book, the gift... they're all gifts.... gifts of knowledge that we are all connected... that we are all connected by God, by love... that's all we need... that's all we came with, and that's all we leave with...

thank you to my beautiful friends.

I'm in Dallas for tomorrow's Sorta CD release show... I'm glad, but nervous... then I go to Austin.. then back to Dallas for several days of appointments.. and such...

Busy. busy...

New eyes... and mannequin parts

I'm really getting excited to be here in Midland for a while... What was holding me back for so long? I guess it was Pride, (I mean it in a 7 deadly sins way... not a good way)...

When my family moved to Midland, I was 16... I had to leave my friends and boyfriend to move to Midland, and unsure if I'd actually be able to have my junior and senior high school years together, in one city, I skipped my junior year. I started school in Midland as a senior, with one goal: GET OUT of Midland as SOON as possible... and I did. I never thought my family would settle down anywhere, especially not Midland... So, I've always had a 16 year-old's negative gotta-get-outta-here-ASAP attitude about Midland and everything Midland. I'm just sorry it's taken me until this week to realize it.

I've always wanted to PROVE myself as a self sufficient adult... and I have been (sometimes better than others... my past good and bad decisions prove that)...

My world fell apart when Carter was killed... I lost my best friend, my lover, our plans, my plans, our future, my view about life and everything, my home, my sense of safety, security, self confidence... I guess, I lost me and my place.

I had to surrender... and did, and I've gained and learned and I'm re-establishing... but i had one last hold out... like Custer, I had my last stand... that that was "no way, no how, not ever will I move to Midland and live with my parents"... that was Pride... now that I've let go of that, humbled myself, and accepted that it's for the best... well, Now I'm excited, and I'm able to enjoy it... I plan to experience this, not like an angry 16 yr old, but as me now. I'm pretty happy with that.
(photo by Justin Voight)

Now for the artsy stuff:

I've been so excited, that I've started to get to work on ideas (a HUGE book full of stream of consciousness ideas and writings), I did a little shopping...

Mervyn's in Midland is closing... I went there to find an electric griddle (which I didn't... but if anyone has one that they want to get rid of, please let me know).. But everything there is for sale... displays, and even trash cans! So, I bought some mannequin parts! AWWW YEAH! Installation sculptural art! and I've got ideas kickin' already.


I also bought a projector.... and got to work on different transfer techniques... all trial and error...


I think by the time we get the photos, art and sculpture together, we'll be able to put out our book!

My idea is to have a show at a gallery to release the book and art.... Maybe even in a few cities... like Oklahoma City, Dallas, Midland, Austin, Marfa... or more or less... But I think it would be a great idea...

We'll have to look for galleries... or space to exhibit... or if anyone knows of one, lemme know... even though it won't be ready til at LEAST next spring, it doesn't hurt to start thinking about it now...

yay!

Finding space and place

Just incase you thought I was kidding about how much crap we carried Miles and miles high, up to 7000 ft.... Here's a picture from the Hike-a-thon! by my dear friend Justin Voight (www.JustinVoight.com)


i make a good hobo, eh? (except that we were only camping one night!)


i went to the doctor here in Midland yesterday... He thinks I have pneumonia or bronchitis and pneumonia... But i got a shot in the butt and a z-pack (along with a "CYA" x-ray), so, I am now, officially on the road to recovery!

Actually, today I feel much MUCH better!

I've had a chance to look over Justin's AMAZING and INCREDIBLE photos from our West Texas trip and I have a TON of ideas of what I can do.... and (unlike yesterday) I have the energy to start working on some of them...

Last night, I started to feel like I had some energy... and I wanted to do something creative, so i decided I would pull a couple books off of the bookshelf and draw something from each cover... and then creativity kicked in.... I call this one Hamlet and Ophelia:

i started to read Hamlet, and then started writing different parts of the script as background...

I decided today that would be a good way to start on some ideas for our book.... so, I took some of Justin's photos and drew something from each one.. it needs something more but here's the idea:


And then I add: (I had to paste in two because I took this pic with my phone):




I need to get a projector next week... and then I'll start working LARGE... I also need a griddle so I can do more encaustic!

I'm starting to really see our book idea materialize... just not in the way i had imagined.... but a more unique and interesting way (at least I think so).

My parents have been wonderful... so welcoming and excited to have me here... I'm thankful... and blessed. i think the only "debbie downer" here is me... I had been putting off the inevitable as long as possible, scheduling trip after trip... so I wouldn't have to make a decision of when traveling stopped and life started again... Lately, the thought of living life is so much scarier to me than dying.

I've always been self-sufficient... i never thought I would be almost 30 and moving back in with my parents... I think I prided myself (wrongly and to a fault) on not being one of "those people"... well, now I am one of those people... and I have two choices: A. to fight it and cause friction because "I'm better than living with my parents" (which I'm not.. or maybe I am... I just need help and that's what family is for).... or b. realize that THIS is exactly where I'm supposed to be at this point in time... and it may be what is best for our relationship, for them and for me... I'm gonna go for choice B... unfortunately choice A likes to sneak in the back of my head and make things difficult...

Dear Choice A,
F- OFF!
Love,
Ryann

If only it were that easy...

i really do think this is going to be the best thing for me right now, for a while... and I'm excited! i've already started to set up my studio in the spare room! :)

Overly ambitious... and heart shaped rocks...

Heart Shaped Rocks! I explain in the last few paragraphs:



So... we made it through Big Bend... Right now we're in Marfa. we just had breakfast at a little coffee shop/juice bar/breakfast place called Squeeze Marfa. I'm listening to the man next to me chatting away on his cell phone in Norwegian... little does he know that I can understand part of his conversation... not very much.. but enough that would shock him. I'd tell him... but I need to type before I get into a conversation.


So... our Big Bend adventure:

On Monday, we left Marathon and headed towards Big Bend. We stopped in Alpine for groceries... and we stopped to take pictures along the way. We stopped in Terlingua Ghost Town.. it's not really a ghost town any more, because people live there... but the remenents of the ghost town are still there. We took pictures of the cemetery and old buildings...

Then the increasingly beautiful drive into Big Bend. Some areas of the park are still flooded and closed... we had no idea how big of a deal the floods were until we talked to locals...

Once we were in the park, we headed up to the Chisos Mountains. We decided to camp one night in the basin, and then spend the next hiking up to the South Rim.

Monday night we grilled out... our camp was visited by a group of 6 Javelinas... they were fine... and nice... they walked right up to us...

The next day we packed our backpacks and headed out on the 6.5 mile hike. We OVER packed... I couldn't even lift my backpack, and Justin's was so heavy that the strap of his ripped and we spent an hour duct taping it... The whole hike was up a mountain... NO RELIEF! It was the hardest thing either one of us has EVER done... I still have NO idea how we made it... we didn't make it to the top... but we made it 3 miles UP and that took us 5 hours! We were more than exhausted... we pitched our tent at the first campsite we came to and slept... for 13 hours! EXHAUSTED!


The next day we left our stuff at the campsite and hiked the rest of the way to the South Rim... it was beautiful. incredible. But we were hurting so bad, I'm not sure if we were able to enjoy it as much. But we did it.

After reading in the Big Bend hiking book about the hike... we realized that we overestimated our hiking abilities... and were overly ambitious... some may say STUPID. The book said it was VERY STRENUOUS but that every hiker "worth his or her salt" will try to hike the South Rim at least once... oops... we are two people who don't even work out! Even the hike down to the basin was so hard... it looked like we were beaten up badly... and we were.

That night we desperately needed showers... so we drove back to Terlingua and stayed at a motel there. Yesterday we woke up and drove back into Big Bend... we did a SHORT .25 mile hike... but mostly drove... a beautiful drive through desert... down to where the road was closed from flooding.

Something AMAZING happened.... I wanted to play Carter's CD for Justin... so we were listening to it and driving. I really felt like I could connect to the environment and the experience.... I felt like I could feel Carter around... We stopped and walked around... I said a little something... something like, if I really feel you, show me... let me find a heart shaped rock...

I'm NOT even kidding: As soon as I said that I looked around and EVERY rock where I was standing was heart shaped! i started to pick them up... Some of them looked heart shaped because of shadows... but a lot WERE heart shaped... they were EVERYWHERE!

I didn't want to tell justin... because I thought he'd think I was nuts... but he walked over when I was taking pictures... I told him, and then I picked one up... he said, "Oh my god! you weren't kidding! that is a heart!"

Here's a picture of one of the rocks:

After that there were hearts everywhere... When we drove into to Marfa, we stopped at a Indian gift shop... they had "Worry Stones" the one on top was a red stone in the shape of a heart! I picked it up... it was the only one that was heart shaped... the other ones weren't in any shape...

wow... I asked... and I got my answer.

The road goes on forever....

...and the party never ends... Seriously... the road goes on FOREVER... hours on a open road.. and not seeing any other cars.. it's insane, especially after driving through New England last month...



After packing up and getting the last necessities (and some arguable necessities) we were on the road. First stop: Monahans Sandhills State Park..

Monahans is amazing... so remote... and white sand dunes that seem to go on forever... i took my shoes off and walked around. We rented a sand disk for a dollar, (which is a disk shaped sled), and I tried it twice... but barely slid... I slid quite a ways on a really steep sand dune... but at really slow speed... I think it's made for kids who weigh nothing.

It was windy and really sandy... but amazing and beautiful. The color contrasts between the sand, the sky, and even the plants... is incredible. It is so remote... we only saw one other car while we were there...

Next we went to the Wickett, TX bluegrass festival... um.... or non-festival... Wickett is a town of 400 people... as it puts the po in podunk. We found the building, but there was no one and no sound.... except the wind across the very flat land... there was a cute little boy standing outside the arts building, blonde hair, wearing jeans and a white wifebeater. I asked him if there was any music.... he just shook his head, no... it was REALLY creepy... Children of the Corn, creepy... the only thing creepier would've been if he said, "yes, inside...." .... yikes. Here's a pic of the building and street of the festival:


To be fair, the website said the festival went on for three days... we got there on the 3rd day... it coulda been hoppin' the first two days... but for some reason, I'm skeptical.

Then we headed towards Big Bend... we stopped in Grandfalls to take pics, and then Marathon, "the place where the pavement ends and the west begins." The drive was AMAZING... SO incredibly beautiful... the landscape is so hard to describe.... it's plains that go on forever... and then Huge random mountains!

Marathon is a really incredible place... We feel like we are in THE west! (we are, but... it's the energy or something)

We are staying at the very nice and very haunted Gage Hotel in Marathon... the employees have been spooking us with ghost stories...

We left to go see the Marfa lights.. I was SHOCKED. I can't believe that something so strange, as lights bouncing around and appearing and disappearing isn't more visited and hasn't been figured out... that's just beyond me...

Tomorrow, More adventure.. but so far, i'm even more impressed than I thought possible... I'm not sure when I'll be able to write next.. so bear (ha!) with me...

here's a pic at dinner at the Gage Hotel... me acting silly (shocker)