New Year's reality checks

Okay... So...

I made resolutions this year. I had a goal... or goals...

My first goal/resolution was to be, think and speak more positively. I think in the last 3 years, I've developed a pretty negative inner dialogue, and I don't want to become a bitter person... so this year's goal was to get out of the negativity and negative thinking! So far, I think I'm doing alright... (notice the positive tone :))

My second goal is to get back into art.

This is where I'm having a problem.

I promised myself that I would start a painting by the end of January... That didn't happen.... I stared and stared at a blank canvas... But I wasn't staring at a blank canvas sitting in front of me... the blank canvas is tucked away between the chest of drawers and the wall of my bedroom. But I know it's there... and it's the one I'm going to paint on.... eventually. I hope.

AH! Artist's block!

I haven't painted anything since the baby was born... 15 months ago!

People say having a baby should be creatively inspiring... but I feel like I used up all of my creative juices growing him, and then taking care of him... and now chasing him... After he goes to bed, and I'm done cleaning up the toddler mess, I would much rather veg out on the couch with a glass of wine and watch the Jersey Shore than get out paints and start trying to be creative...

So, I bought a camera. A big bad SLR camera... well, not the baddest, but the entry model of the baddest: a Nikon 3100. I had these delusions of skipping around with my awesome new camera, taking amazing, artistic shots of the world around me... taking amazing, artistic and creative shots of my toddler... but (reality check) that's not happening either.

I'm learning how to use my camera. And I'm also learning that it's impossible to set up a shot, and adjust the settings on my camera all while chasing a really fast toddler.

I guess the artsy stuff will come later... until then, I will enjoy the Jersey Shore, and Photoshop will be my best friend.


This is my most "artsy" shot to date (and I don't think this really "counts"):

silhouette x4 = creative flow?

This is my 25 week (now 26 wk) belly that keeps getting in the way of serious arts and crafty-ness:



My second day of 4 hours of painting... and guess what?!?! I got blocked!

YUP! Creative constipation... and I was doing so good too... which is when the blockage usually strikes...

When I'm not on a time crunch, I have several methods of de-clogging myself:

1. Sit and stare at my piece for days or weeks at a time.

2. Ask any and everyone I come across what their suggestion would be...

3. Draw patterns.... trace patterns, draw patterns... I'll spend weeks working on tedious intricate patterns that I'll never really use.

4. Paint over what I have and start completely over.


Because I'm on a time crunch... I don't have time for any of the above.

So, I did this instead:

I bought 4 canvases.
I found an image I like.
I decided to paint the silhouette of the image on each canvas in different colors.

I finished one tonight:


I almost gave up on it half way through. But I pushed through... I think 4 of them, in different colors, will look nice hanging together. Plus, I can price them a bit lower... and they're simple. Maybe people will like them... Maybe painting 4 of these will be just the creative deblocker I need to get my flow back. (wow... I'm quite the wordsmith tonight!)

I'm crossing my fingers!

screw up

My new favorite album to paint to, that I forgot I bought on iTunes in January, and forgot to listen to: Nouvelle Vague
My new favorite not-new-cover song that I'm listening to over and over again tonight: Making Plans for Nigel by Nouvelle Vague


Sometimes I get scared.

I get scared to put a mark down with paint. I get scared to screw it up. I get so scared that I never even try.

I used to start drawing by closing my eyes and scribbling on paper, and then open them and make something out of the scribble. It always turned out well.... I just went with the flow and worked with the scribble instead of fighting against it. I always knew that if something didn't look right, I could keep working with it until it finally took form.

I've lost that attitude. I need to get it back.

I haven't been happy with these 4 new paintings. They're boring me. They look like something I'd see in a hotel or something. I'm getting bored with them before i finish them...

Something has been keeping me from moving forward... I think I'm too scared to screw them up. Also, I'm being timed... I have to have a certain number of paintings done by a certain date.

So, tonight, I decided I would screw up my paintings a bit... and then work with them.

But that's WAY easier said than done....

But I did add a squiggly background on the hawk.... (I just barely added color to the bird in this one... so it's not even close to looking how it will look.)


This is a close-up

step back

Babies R Us is a scary, scary place. I went there today to register... holy moly.

The woman at the front registry desk was real gruff, smelled like a freshly smoked cigarette and used the word "crap" about 4 times, before explaining the process and the store... and then told me and the other pregnant woman "don't get overwhelmed!"

But she was too late... I was overwhelmed before I even stood up.

It's a really cruel trick of nature that the one time and place where I really need a drink, or shot of tequila, is walking into Babies R Us, pregnant.

There is so much baby paraphernalia... and so many accessories and parts of stuff on stuff that it's like going to another planet. ... pure and utter culture shock.... Monkeys or Dinosaurs? Green or Blue? Boppys or Breast Friends.... Jumpers or Bouncers.... YIKES.

I did my best... my sister came and offered moral support... when I got stuck in a rut, unable to decide between the red car or the blue car onesie, she was able to pull me out by reminding me that it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory... a well deserved treat. ... followed by a 4 hour nap.

Tonight, I had the treehouse (garage apt) to myself. I try, I really do try to paint with and in front of other people... but I'm not good at it... I think it's a self-confidence thing... or something. I don't mind posting pictures of my work in-progress and on the web... but trying to paint with someone else in the room is hard for me... I can't seem to get into a flow state unless I'm alone. Tonight I was alone, and I flowed until my hips couldn't take it anymore!

I did these guys on the yellow background... I was planning to do a hummingbird... but changed my mind... and they're not flying (I changed my mind again).


Part of the reason why I post pictures of my work in progress, is so I can see them with new eyes. Sometimes, when I'm working on a piece so closely, I lose touch with the piece itself... So, the process of taking a photo, editing the photo to make it look more like the piece, posting the picture, writing about the piece and reading the finished post, helps me to step back and see the piece from a distance... sometimes it helps me immediately identify what is bugging me about the piece...

like this one:

The bird is looking a little better... but his mouth needs some work still... also, I changed part of the pattern to blue... The blue is too light of a light blue... it needs something a little darker.

making some progress.

I did swim.... and I did manage to get enough motivation together to paint.

I've been a pretty timid painter this time. Maybe because I'm on a time crunch... but I'm having a difficult time actually putting paint down and lines down. I think I've developed some sort of fear of drawing. I used to draw all of the time, now, I get anxious when I'm about to draw. I need to work on that. I've gotta draw more often.

I filled in the bird on green... and then outlined him.



Then, I colored turquoise behind this hawk sketch. The color looks strange because of the lighting.... but it's really one solid turquoise color. I started to stencil pattern behind him, and then stopped. I'm not sure how much stenciling I'll be doing this time around.



Oh.... and This is one of my favorite things:

What's cuter than a panda sneezing?!? really?!?

Don't call it a comeback!

I'm baaack!

The last several months I've been working on life-stuff, rather than art-stuff...

I started this blog so everyone would know where I was... and what I was doing. But, after a certain point, I decided that I don't always want everyone to know everything. My private life has to stay private... So, now I'm back. And we'll see what happens now...

I'm in Austin, and at the end of August, I'm having my first SOLO show in Dallas at the Magnolia Gallery. I have some older pieces that I may put in the show, but I REALLY want to get some new paintings done and up. I've decided to paint birds in flight... (maybe because I've been moving so much... hmmm?? or things are changing so fast??)

I went to Home Depot and bought 6 2ftx2ft pieces of wood, and I set up a studio in the corner of the room (and I've already turned it into a mess).



I thought getting to work would be much easier... but I'm in my 6th month of pregnancy and it's getting harder and harder to move around like I'm used to. Sitting on the floor is something I can only do in small increments... and overall, I'm just not as graceful as I used to be... not that I was really "graceful" before... but now I'm really clumsy and awkward... and make a lot of grunting noises when I move.. and my hips hurt and back hurts... and .... okay.... I'll stop now.

I've had to use much more Gesso on these boards than I have in the past. My idea is to do one bird on each... so far, this is what I've got:





Not much to look at... just the background colors and a couple of sketches. But at least I'm back and working again... I haven't got into my flow yet... but I feel it coming!

Here's something else that is really cool!

A cicada, coming out of its shell on our porch! I've seen a lot of cicadas (the plague in NC last summer), but never watched one hatch...

Trials and Errors

Crazy day!

I'm in Dallas. Met with the scanner.... then the printer....

I started to freak out and tried to call Carley about tomorrow's show at The Gypsy Wagon, but couldn't get ahold of her... She was very pregnant. That's why we decided to do the show this weekend and not any later...

I couldn't get ahold of her because she had her baby today! He decided he wanted an early arrival. I'm so happy for she and her husband. I talked to them on the phone and they sound excited and great! ... I felt bad asking her about the show... and what to do, and how to price and everything.... just even bringing it up today.... She won't be able to be there tomorrow... I'm really happy for them... everything will go fine tomorrow.... (I'm trying to convince myself)

Just a little while ago, I began finishing another piece..... DISASTER!

I dropped it and it cracked.... quite a bit.... but I'm using lacquer to seal the cracks., and I'm crossing my fingers that that will work.... So I started to work on the background.... and lacquer the paper to the piece of glass I'm going to attach to the back of the other piece... I wouldn't stick! not at all! UGH!

So frustrating!

So now I've got a board and an axe on the board holding it down, so hopefully it will stick... If not, I'm taking that axe to the whole thing!


I no patience waiting for things to dry (like glue, lacquer.... even paint).... I've said this before: when I'm making art, I'm all about instant gratification.

Lacquer takes a L-O-N-G time to dry... that's why I'm inside blogging.... releasing a little frustration and taking up time, so I don't just sit there and stare at it....

I really don't want to lose this piece... I like this piece... I'm really hoping what I'm doing now will fix it.

Moth balls? no....

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time



This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)


Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....



there's more...

Saturday night

some ideas are worth listening to.

the story about changing the one thing on a painting that your most attached to.... yeah, that works... at least I feel like it did...

i felt so much more free, and wasn't thinking or judging everything once i tried that...

the chandelier painting now has a WAYS to go.... but looks like this:


I re-painted the background, and then painted a big chandelier.... I may make it more red... not sure... I used to have a red chandelier in my old house.... Now it's the focus and not an element that's in the way... At least I'm more happy with it...

and the one that I thought I was too attached to the background.... well, I think I was most attached to the tree that was on it.... so I took that tree off and replaced it with this one:


And then I tried something new.... (I got this idea from another artist at Penland), I painted the board blue, black and off-white and then took a sewing pattern and cut it in to hexagon shapes an pasted them on with Matte Medium:




I haven't touched the painting with the girl yet.... but I feel like I'm on a roll... Everything seems much more organic, and flow-like, rather than me trying to force everything to come together.... and that wasn't working. at all.

oh yeah....

Last night, I decided I wanted to take a well-deserved break, and watch Saturday Night Live... I was looking forward to vegging out in front of the TV for an hour... I NEVER watch TV... But, instead of some hit-or-miss funny SNL, there was a 3 hour telethon instead! NOOO! This is what I was staring at in disbelief instead of SNL:


so, not cool... To quote a friend: "That's UN-American, well, kinda."

I heard it wasn't all that funny last night anyways... maybe the telethon incident was more entertaining in the long run...

back to work....

Blocked

I heard a story from someone, but I don't remember from who or when (although I think it was this summer at Penland):

If you're over-attached to one element in your piece, and you're struggling with your piece, then you should get rid of, or change the thing you're overly attached to.... There was a story that went with this. And after the artist removed the element they were most attached to, the piece worked out...

I'm not sure if that's true or not... but there are a few pieces that I'm struggling with... nothing looks right, but I'm overly attached to one element of the painting....

the chandelier:


The girl:


the background:


But I'm not quite ready to get rid of those things... Maybe that means that they are the things that I most need to change...

probably... I think, by holding on to them as they are, I'm not allowing the pieces to change... and become what they're supposed to become...

It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"We are like sculptors, constantly carving out of others the image we long for, need, love or desire, often against reality, against their benefit, and always, in the end, a disappointment, because it does not fit them."
-Anais Nin

I think I'm doing that with some of my art work...

Okay... I think I just needed to get that out of my system.... maybe now I can get some stuff done!

My not-so-"elegant" creative process

I stayed up too late last night... My time schedule is OFF...

I wish I was a morning person... I've always wanted to be a morning person... but I'm not. I've never been one. Actually, I've been known to be such an awful morning (or just waking up) person, that my siblings won't even try to wake me up...

I'm a night person... I'm more creative at night... I work better in the late afternoon and on... I don't know why... It's just how I am.

I went horseback riding this afternoon... luckily, I wasn't the only one who was out-of-shape... The horse I rode, Molly, had been taking it easy over the holidays too... We were quite a pair.... lazy horse meets out-of-shape rider (me).... I'm going again on Thursday... maybe we'll both be better by then.

I took 7 of my new paintings to Reynolds Brothers (a reprographics place in Midland), they were very nice.... I'm having one of each piece printed on canvas... I'm not sure how the encaustics are going to look printed... but I can always paint on the canvas too.

Then I did a little shopping: vellum, india ink (which works on wax- much better than black acrylic paint), iron-on paper for t-shirts (I can put the sheets in my printer)..... I'm not sure if the iron-ons will work when I try to iron them on wax... but it can't hurt to try... I also bought some fantastic new colors of Sharpies that I've never seen before!

I'm a little sad that I'm so excited that Sharpie has new colors, like Pomegranate and Earl Grey... but I'm very excited!

Then I went home and went to work.... I mainly worked on that one collage that I couldn't stand yesterday..... after many different tries with different ideas, this is what it looks like now:


There is too much of the wax medium on it... so it looks cloudy in places... and I'm going to add white in areas to brighten it up.... but i'm starting to like it a lot better.

I pretty much only worked on that piece...

But I moved the moth (that I love SO much) around some more. I also seem to really like that doily too... I don't know why though, I think it's ugly. Maybe the moth likes it!.... the chandelier, doily and the moth are just placed on this background... It's how I try an idea before I commit to putting them on the background... I like to move stuff around to see what it could look like:



and then I played with this piece a bit too... I LOVE the background and the tree (I maybe a little too attached to them), but I placed a sparrow drawing I did last year, and a butterfly on it...



and then I thought, it might be cool to do something with the moon cycle.... I'd cut out the moons, of course.....



That's how I work... I place things, and then stare at them forever, then change my mind... and then place something else and stare at it, and then change my mind.... i wish I had a more "elegant" technique... but, alas.... i don't....

I'm working on moving to Austin... more opportunities for me there... and it's close to Dallas, still close to family, and I have friends there... After I get all this stuff done for The Gypsy Wagon show on the 23rd, I'll work on it more... but I did send out my resume today... I want to write... or get back in contract work and field marketing for a bit, so I can still work on my art and writing.

productivity and a new pink camera = happiness!

I was so productive today!

I think, by letting some pressure out of my head, and into my planner, and blog, and journal, I feel sooo much better!

One thing I did that makes me REALLY happy: I returned that Canon-Elph-whatever-crap camera and bought a Sony Cybershot! It was the second time I've been to BestBuy and tried to return it... they all remembered me. They asked me what was wrong with it... I told them "everything! I hate everything about it!"... of course they were shocked... (news to me but:) It seems that NO ONE (except me) hates Canons... They said it was my fault... It could be, I'm not good at following directions... or reading them... but I exchanged it anyway... and I love my new camera! The pics I've taken look awesome! plus it's pink! Who doesn't love a pink camera?!?

I found a reprographics place in Midland (Reynolds Brothers) ... I talked to them on the phone and I'm gonna go and check it out tomorrow...

I also bought a griddle and a small blow torch..... as well as some paraffin wax.... So, I'm back to encaustic painting... for real!
Paraffin wax cleans the colored wax off of brushes... but I've also noticed that it thins the medium even more, making the wax more like paint... and it's good for delicate things like leaves and butterfly wings, without making them too waxy.... and cloudy...

I've even started to make my usual encaustic studio mess!


I also start riding horses again tomorrow... maybe I'll bring my new fancy camera and get some pics!

So, i pulled out all of the work that I think is done... and some of the stuff I'm still working on... and some that I shouldn't keep working on but can't help myself....

This little owl is on cardboard... he's about a 5x7... I'm gonna use him.. I like him more and more...


The background of this piece, I started before I left for North Carolina last May... I tried (and failed) to do some stuff with resin... but today, I added the other stuff on top.... It's not done... I'm not sure if I like it at all... Cas suggested that I add a moon... which I'll try tomorrow...


This was another "Bird and Key".... but it was bugging me... So I've been trying to get crafty with it... I found this moth... I LOVE this moth... and on this color background... the moth and doily are just placed on top.... not attached yet... just an option that I'm considering...


I've been working on this piece with the chandelier for a YEAR now... I added the black wash over the whole piece and have been staring at it for months... today, I painted the chandelier in a light wash of a bright red...


People who know me well, know that I can't stand being told what I can and can't do... It's not that I try to be rebellious... I just have to find out for myself... and a lot of the time, that means "the hard way".... well... In our encaustic class, I was told, "you can't paint acrylic over oil paint"... well... I had done that... It TOTALLY sucked and was REALLY difficult.... but I had done it (once)... We were also told, you can't paint acrylic over wax... well, today, I broke that rule and had to try it out... and so far so good... I'm really pleased with the result...

This is a painting I'd been working on for a while... I decided the heart needed a heart shape around it in string... then I added the flames/triangles/points around the right side... and then I used black acrylic paint *gasp!*, on the inside of the heart.... to make it pop a bit.... that worked so well, that I used the same paint on the bird in areas...

The only thing that is bugging me about this piece is the wax looks so cloudy... and dulls the black and the pattern... but overall I'm happy with it... and I'm glad I don't always believe what people tell me!


I'm not sure what people are going to think of my new work... it's different than what I was doing before.... much more collage, and experimentation... i may go back to acrylics at some point... they're predictable and easy to add on top of... but maybe I wont... But I think I will... at least more than I'm using them now...

Freak out

So... Jumping in sounded so easy... way easier than it was...

Actually, yesterday I spent all day just staring... blocked... creatively constipated... not knowing where or what to start on... just literally staring.... I wrote a lot... but art-wise: nada.

Carley at The Gypsy Wagon, in Dallas, is throwing a laid back show with my work on the 23rd of this month... I called her yesterday having a real "artist" crisis... Not knowing if I should do it... what if all my work sucks.... or if there's not enough work there... or not enough time... HELP ME!

She talked me down from my own pity party... and we're still going to do it... I'd like to get note cards made... I need to get more prints made as well... the only thing is, I had to pick up some of the last prints from her because the colors were off... and the printer is in Dallas... and I don't know how to tell them what the colors should and shouldn't look like... So I need to find a place to scan in my work, here in Midland... this week... and then I need to figure out the printing situation.... AAAAAAAAAH!!!!

I also thought it would be cool (and I could do this myself -- i think) to take some of my photographs that I've digitally altered and show them as well... I also have to figure out framing of my pieces... I'm freaking out... this is a lot to do... no wonder I'm blocked...

I jumped in... "no floaties" ... but then felt like I was drowning... and I think I was... if you can't swim, use floaties...

I've been a hermit, upstairs, away from my studio all day today... I'm sure my parents are worried about me... but I really need today to sort out my brain... plan... I need some space to be able to figure out what I: a. HAVE to do, b. WOULD like to do, c. CAN do...

Okay... that's my freak out... blah.....

Jumping In...

"Sometimes you just have to jump in without your floaties!" I overheard a little girl say on the Disney Channel this morning... It was supposed to be the heart-warming scene from one of the million sequels to one of the many movies where a big fluffy dog saves the day, and then his family saves him.... or something....

Well.... I need to jump back into my art without "my floaties"... I'm back in Midland, and I want to get back to work... I want to make stuff and finish stuff... but I feel blocked... I don't know where to start, and I get anxious that I'm gonna make a mistake..

I think, by using Photoshop and Illustrator and other computer programs over the years to make collages and art, I've gotten really used to the "UNDO" feature.... or going back in history and changing the image back to how it was...

But, *sigh*, in art (without computers) and life, there is no "undo" button... I just have to put something down, and see how the medium reacts and then respond... Basically, not expecting anything, but responding to each layer, and watching the piece come together, instead of trying to make it a certain way.

This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday:

I just need to put it down and respond. The ideas of things do me no good just rolling around in my head, unless I try them and put them down. They don't all have to be perfect... There's no magic pill.... Just got another idea --pill, angels, light--... I just need to take the stuff I've got and use it... stop worrying about the end result

So, I'm jumping in... No floaties! I've got one collage I'm working on... it's from a picture I took in Terlingua and played with in Photoshop, and then I printed it on tissue paper.... and hot wax collaged it on to a page from an old Encyclopedia of Animals page on Condors... I burned the background paper a bit with my heat gun while I was trying to get the wax even.... looks cool... smelled BAD!

Silent and sneaky war of art.

I got back to Midland tonight... My GPS took me on a very scenic, but also very out-of-the-way drive from Lockhart to Midland... all 7 hours of it.

While I was driving, I was trying to connect to the work I plan to get done and do... The book/project that Justin Voight and I are working on... the whole reason for the trip to the Big Bend area... but I couldn't.

I was doubting myself... my creativity... a lot of fear of not being able, or good enough... I felt like I lost that creative drive that was fueling me before I left Midland.

I called Justin, we talked for a long time... we were both struggling with the same issues. But, instead of discouraging each other, our conversation caused us to dissect our fear, anticipation, procrastinations... look at ourselves.... all of it. I felt back on track when I pulled the car in the driveway.

I was REALLY tired, and wanted to go to bed. But Mons gave me a book (months ago- procrastination), and I promised to read it as soon as I got back to Midland. It's called The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. (thank you! I'm so glad I read it)

As soon as I started to read it, I couldn't put it down. He describes the conversations that Justin and I had just had an hour earlier perfectly. The fear, the excuses.... all of the blocks to creativity... or rather the blocks to the canvas, or blank page... he calls that force "the Resistance" that we all have.

It's a force that has to be fought daily.... and reading that book made me realize that a lot of my traveling (or most of it) was my Resistance to producing what I needed to. I've learned and read and traveled in order to make art... but do I have anything substantial to show for it? Not yet... always tomorrow.

I came back to Midland a week later than I had planned ... that is a full week of not sitting down and producing work... or writing. I'm not beating myself up about it... I'm just realizing it.. processing it.

I mean, I didn't even blog! i felt like there was too much to say... or not enough pictures.... excuses, excuses... either way, nothing substantial was done (work-wise)... well, besides substantial procrastination....

So, tomorrow, I'm going to unpack the car, and organize.... then schedule. (I hate schedules!) But I'm going to make sure that I write three pages in my journal everyday, at a certain time, and treat going into my studio and making art like a job... I'll be on the clock, whether I feel like it or not.

And I've got Justin as an accountability partner... we're gonna check in with each other to help keep us out of the blockages.

I'm not saying it's going to be perfect or amazing... actually I expect it's gonna be harder than we think.

But at least I took one step in the right direction today, and actually blogged!