Blogger's Guilt

So.... I've got a case of "Blogger's Guilt".... in a bad way.... and it's just a vicious cycle: I feel bad for not blogging, so I avoid blogging, so then I feel worse about not blogging... so then I avoid it even more.....

So, I need to start posting stuff.... daily, again....

Last week, I came back to Austin... My move into the apartment was put on hold.... so I came here to get a job, and start working.

Then, last weekend, I got sick... AGAIN. Not the same stomach flu.... but the achy, tired, feverish stuff... Finally, today I'm feeling better.

I have started working on some small, cut and paste collages that are 4"x4" :





.... and I bought a little sewing kit too.... so I can stitch a bit...

This week, I'm feeling better, so I'm definitely looking for work... A lot of the SXSW jobs I've come across don't pay money... but pay in wristbands.... I'd rather be paid in money...

okay.... now I feel a lot less guilty.... :)

Trials and Errors

Crazy day!

I'm in Dallas. Met with the scanner.... then the printer....

I started to freak out and tried to call Carley about tomorrow's show at The Gypsy Wagon, but couldn't get ahold of her... She was very pregnant. That's why we decided to do the show this weekend and not any later...

I couldn't get ahold of her because she had her baby today! He decided he wanted an early arrival. I'm so happy for she and her husband. I talked to them on the phone and they sound excited and great! ... I felt bad asking her about the show... and what to do, and how to price and everything.... just even bringing it up today.... She won't be able to be there tomorrow... I'm really happy for them... everything will go fine tomorrow.... (I'm trying to convince myself)

Just a little while ago, I began finishing another piece..... DISASTER!

I dropped it and it cracked.... quite a bit.... but I'm using lacquer to seal the cracks., and I'm crossing my fingers that that will work.... So I started to work on the background.... and lacquer the paper to the piece of glass I'm going to attach to the back of the other piece... I wouldn't stick! not at all! UGH!

So frustrating!

So now I've got a board and an axe on the board holding it down, so hopefully it will stick... If not, I'm taking that axe to the whole thing!


I no patience waiting for things to dry (like glue, lacquer.... even paint).... I've said this before: when I'm making art, I'm all about instant gratification.

Lacquer takes a L-O-N-G time to dry... that's why I'm inside blogging.... releasing a little frustration and taking up time, so I don't just sit there and stare at it....

I really don't want to lose this piece... I like this piece... I'm really hoping what I'm doing now will fix it.

hello.... goodnight

My mind is going crazy.... I'm tired but cant sleep...

I hope I have everything together for Friday... I didn't paint today... I picked up my prints and bought some frames and worked to put some of the finishing touches on a few pieces... I still have more to do..

It's not that it's a big show... it's gonna be very laid back, just more of a preview and meet and greet... but, I'm trying to get so much done.... because after this weekend I start to look for a place to live and a job of some sort in Austin.

I also have my first solo show at the Magnolia Gallery in Dallas this summer! YAY!

so, I'd like to have some work finished for that show... because after I move (and I'm working and getting settled and adjusted and all of that fun stuff), I don't know where I'll be able to paint.... I'm thinking too far ahead.... Sometimes I've gotta just pull myself back into the present...

okay... back.

We have a new president!!! America just became a much cooler country!

Alright, goodnight!

Moth balls? no....

My mom and I went and saw Bride Wars today... as she said, "It was no Gran Torino" .... unfortunately, I haven't seen Gran Torino yet... so, I can't compare, but can only imagine...

Actually, the main reason we went to go see Bride Wars was our friend Michael Arden is in it! He's great (as always)... and plays Kate Hudson's assistant/Mr. of Honor....

After that, it was time for business... <:o)E

I did a little work on the chandelier piece... it seemed like it lacked definition and outline towards the top of the piece... and I also just worked on the moth... but the change is SO slight, that even if I were to point it out, I'm not sure anyone (except for me) would be able to see it.

I did take the Girl with the hood.... (orange hood... green background...) ... remember how attached to her I was?!

Yeah, Well.... i painted the whole thing read and orange and purple!

I felt so much better once I painted over her!

I really like the moth painting.. and I like what moths personally symbolize to me.... Part of that is: searching for a light in the darkness....

That means a lot to me... searching... seeking... wanting to find the light... the strength... all of that has been part of my "new life" in the last year...

I thought i may do a moth series... (there are SOOO many GORGEOUS moths!) ... i still love moths SO much more than butterflies...

butterflies? ... *yawn*...

I bought a book in Austin at a thrift store on Lamar (not Salvation Army... but similar)... and I took the book and cut out hexagons to stick on the wood board (with matte medium) and then I painted the moth... simple... but it takes a LONG time



This piece has a WAYS to go... I want to make the bottom wings larger.... and look more like owl eyes... (that's what I think they look like...)


Okay.... so tomorrow (today)... Barak Obama is our new President! it's a new day! and I'll be working on the same moth from yesterday... but that's okay.... hey, that rhymes!

PPS... I still have NOT found a way to frame and hang this piece....



there's more...

love/hate

I did some more collaging... I really LOVE wax... but I'm really and TRULY starting to HATE wax... so sticky..... too gratifying, too instantly.... too sticky... too messy... too much fun... too easy.... too hard... too time consuming... too cloudy.... uh! love/hate.

The printing place called me... they printed a test strip of a small collage I did in December... It looked good.

They also showed me the scans, they also looked good...

I'm looking forward to seeing what it all looks like... when it's done...

I don't feel like writing much.... so I'll post pics of what I've done, what I'm working on... I'm not %100 happy with my work right now... but, I'm very happy that I'm making work....

So, with that said:

Here are the red trees:



and a close up of each:



So, i added the moon cycle.... but now, I wanna just keep the background of this piece and start over... I doubt it though.... but, I do think this is the MAJOR issue when you become so attached to one part of a piece that you can't let go enough to let it become the best it can:


This is just an idea... i printed out some images (on tissue paper, so everything but the ink will disappear....


A very encaustic background (done the same way the owl from a while ago was done)...


now I'm trying to figure out what to do with it/put on it... here are some of my ideas:




I added a TON of medium to the clover collage background... now I can carve into it and collage on it...


And, last, I transferred this pattern to board.... but I'm still working on taking the paper off of the back... that always takes SOOO long!


My horseback riding lesson was cancelled today... the wind chill here in Midland didn't get above 30 degrees... I was kinda glad it was cancelled.... I wasn't looking forward to freezing my butt off!

okie dokie.... about to fall asleep typing... g'nite!

Learning marketing, the cyber-savvy way

I thought I knew marketing... I thought I knew networking.... I thought I understood the online world of both.... Then, today, I met Damien Franco... His blog is www.yourphototips.com... and he totally schooled me!

I wish I'd had taken notes the whole time... I learned so much from him... from Flickr groups, to tags, to linking to someone's site so that they link back to yours... So much information that my head is still spinning! I was basically in awe, sitting there like, "teach me your ways, wise one." Thank you so much Damien! I'm looking forward to meeting up with him and his wife this weekend!

I'm tired or I'd have checked out some of the web sites he referred me to... and would write a lot more... but, (like I said) I'm tired... so I will later...

I did check out Blurb.com today... I'm gonna try to put a portfolio/book together... but my scans aren't ready yet... hopefully they'll be done tomorrow.

I did go to Hobby Lobby and buy some more stuff to collage with... even though it's really cool stuff, I kinda wanna kick myself for adding more options for me to use... I should just work with the stuff I already have... But the new stuff is SOOO cool! And on SALE!
I bought this bag of fall stuff, with leaves:


and Squirrels! SQUIRRELS!


The leaves may or may not go on that piece... the squirrels definitely won't ... I just wanted to check out all of the fun new crap I bought!

I also moved the moth and doily aside and tried this on the clover background:


And I bought WHITE india ink! I wanted to use it to brighten up that collage piece that has been fighting me.... and it worked... except for I accidentally put too much on the angel's face and erased it's features. I'll have to go back in and fix that:


A lot of just trial and error... and moving things around...

Oh! and I've had these gold frames for a while... (two of them) and in the same bag with the squirrels and leaves there were two trees.. Just an idea:


Okay... I'm really tired... going riding again tomorrow... and then I'm going to checkout all the websites and info I learned... Maybe I'll even start to use Flickr the right way!

My not-so-"elegant" creative process

I stayed up too late last night... My time schedule is OFF...

I wish I was a morning person... I've always wanted to be a morning person... but I'm not. I've never been one. Actually, I've been known to be such an awful morning (or just waking up) person, that my siblings won't even try to wake me up...

I'm a night person... I'm more creative at night... I work better in the late afternoon and on... I don't know why... It's just how I am.

I went horseback riding this afternoon... luckily, I wasn't the only one who was out-of-shape... The horse I rode, Molly, had been taking it easy over the holidays too... We were quite a pair.... lazy horse meets out-of-shape rider (me).... I'm going again on Thursday... maybe we'll both be better by then.

I took 7 of my new paintings to Reynolds Brothers (a reprographics place in Midland), they were very nice.... I'm having one of each piece printed on canvas... I'm not sure how the encaustics are going to look printed... but I can always paint on the canvas too.

Then I did a little shopping: vellum, india ink (which works on wax- much better than black acrylic paint), iron-on paper for t-shirts (I can put the sheets in my printer)..... I'm not sure if the iron-ons will work when I try to iron them on wax... but it can't hurt to try... I also bought some fantastic new colors of Sharpies that I've never seen before!

I'm a little sad that I'm so excited that Sharpie has new colors, like Pomegranate and Earl Grey... but I'm very excited!

Then I went home and went to work.... I mainly worked on that one collage that I couldn't stand yesterday..... after many different tries with different ideas, this is what it looks like now:


There is too much of the wax medium on it... so it looks cloudy in places... and I'm going to add white in areas to brighten it up.... but i'm starting to like it a lot better.

I pretty much only worked on that piece...

But I moved the moth (that I love SO much) around some more. I also seem to really like that doily too... I don't know why though, I think it's ugly. Maybe the moth likes it!.... the chandelier, doily and the moth are just placed on this background... It's how I try an idea before I commit to putting them on the background... I like to move stuff around to see what it could look like:



and then I played with this piece a bit too... I LOVE the background and the tree (I maybe a little too attached to them), but I placed a sparrow drawing I did last year, and a butterfly on it...



and then I thought, it might be cool to do something with the moon cycle.... I'd cut out the moons, of course.....



That's how I work... I place things, and then stare at them forever, then change my mind... and then place something else and stare at it, and then change my mind.... i wish I had a more "elegant" technique... but, alas.... i don't....

I'm working on moving to Austin... more opportunities for me there... and it's close to Dallas, still close to family, and I have friends there... After I get all this stuff done for The Gypsy Wagon show on the 23rd, I'll work on it more... but I did send out my resume today... I want to write... or get back in contract work and field marketing for a bit, so I can still work on my art and writing.

productivity and a new pink camera = happiness!

I was so productive today!

I think, by letting some pressure out of my head, and into my planner, and blog, and journal, I feel sooo much better!

One thing I did that makes me REALLY happy: I returned that Canon-Elph-whatever-crap camera and bought a Sony Cybershot! It was the second time I've been to BestBuy and tried to return it... they all remembered me. They asked me what was wrong with it... I told them "everything! I hate everything about it!"... of course they were shocked... (news to me but:) It seems that NO ONE (except me) hates Canons... They said it was my fault... It could be, I'm not good at following directions... or reading them... but I exchanged it anyway... and I love my new camera! The pics I've taken look awesome! plus it's pink! Who doesn't love a pink camera?!?

I found a reprographics place in Midland (Reynolds Brothers) ... I talked to them on the phone and I'm gonna go and check it out tomorrow...

I also bought a griddle and a small blow torch..... as well as some paraffin wax.... So, I'm back to encaustic painting... for real!
Paraffin wax cleans the colored wax off of brushes... but I've also noticed that it thins the medium even more, making the wax more like paint... and it's good for delicate things like leaves and butterfly wings, without making them too waxy.... and cloudy...

I've even started to make my usual encaustic studio mess!


I also start riding horses again tomorrow... maybe I'll bring my new fancy camera and get some pics!

So, i pulled out all of the work that I think is done... and some of the stuff I'm still working on... and some that I shouldn't keep working on but can't help myself....

This little owl is on cardboard... he's about a 5x7... I'm gonna use him.. I like him more and more...


The background of this piece, I started before I left for North Carolina last May... I tried (and failed) to do some stuff with resin... but today, I added the other stuff on top.... It's not done... I'm not sure if I like it at all... Cas suggested that I add a moon... which I'll try tomorrow...


This was another "Bird and Key".... but it was bugging me... So I've been trying to get crafty with it... I found this moth... I LOVE this moth... and on this color background... the moth and doily are just placed on top.... not attached yet... just an option that I'm considering...


I've been working on this piece with the chandelier for a YEAR now... I added the black wash over the whole piece and have been staring at it for months... today, I painted the chandelier in a light wash of a bright red...


People who know me well, know that I can't stand being told what I can and can't do... It's not that I try to be rebellious... I just have to find out for myself... and a lot of the time, that means "the hard way".... well... In our encaustic class, I was told, "you can't paint acrylic over oil paint"... well... I had done that... It TOTALLY sucked and was REALLY difficult.... but I had done it (once)... We were also told, you can't paint acrylic over wax... well, today, I broke that rule and had to try it out... and so far so good... I'm really pleased with the result...

This is a painting I'd been working on for a while... I decided the heart needed a heart shape around it in string... then I added the flames/triangles/points around the right side... and then I used black acrylic paint *gasp!*, on the inside of the heart.... to make it pop a bit.... that worked so well, that I used the same paint on the bird in areas...

The only thing that is bugging me about this piece is the wax looks so cloudy... and dulls the black and the pattern... but overall I'm happy with it... and I'm glad I don't always believe what people tell me!


I'm not sure what people are going to think of my new work... it's different than what I was doing before.... much more collage, and experimentation... i may go back to acrylics at some point... they're predictable and easy to add on top of... but maybe I wont... But I think I will... at least more than I'm using them now...

Jumping In...

"Sometimes you just have to jump in without your floaties!" I overheard a little girl say on the Disney Channel this morning... It was supposed to be the heart-warming scene from one of the million sequels to one of the many movies where a big fluffy dog saves the day, and then his family saves him.... or something....

Well.... I need to jump back into my art without "my floaties"... I'm back in Midland, and I want to get back to work... I want to make stuff and finish stuff... but I feel blocked... I don't know where to start, and I get anxious that I'm gonna make a mistake..

I think, by using Photoshop and Illustrator and other computer programs over the years to make collages and art, I've gotten really used to the "UNDO" feature.... or going back in history and changing the image back to how it was...

But, *sigh*, in art (without computers) and life, there is no "undo" button... I just have to put something down, and see how the medium reacts and then respond... Basically, not expecting anything, but responding to each layer, and watching the piece come together, instead of trying to make it a certain way.

This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday:

I just need to put it down and respond. The ideas of things do me no good just rolling around in my head, unless I try them and put them down. They don't all have to be perfect... There's no magic pill.... Just got another idea --pill, angels, light--... I just need to take the stuff I've got and use it... stop worrying about the end result

So, I'm jumping in... No floaties! I've got one collage I'm working on... it's from a picture I took in Terlingua and played with in Photoshop, and then I printed it on tissue paper.... and hot wax collaged it on to a page from an old Encyclopedia of Animals page on Condors... I burned the background paper a bit with my heat gun while I was trying to get the wax even.... looks cool... smelled BAD!

Showed up

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):


There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):


I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

LA?

Today my parents and youngest sister are in LA for my brother's premier, for the movie Twilight...

Last night, I was talking to them and it came up that maybe I should move to LA... maybe be a publicist... It's not the first time the possibility has come up... but every time I've said, no way, no how... I'm not healed enough.... strong enough... But now, I'm actually considering the possibility... of maybe...

I have to admit: When I think about me, in LA I picture: roller blading... over-sized sunglasses... being really tan or really white (not in-between) ... eating über healthy... taking Dylan to Doga classes... saying things like "über" and "So-Co"...

But I have friends there... and family there...

Is LA calling my name? I NEVER would have thought so, but maybe it is... as long as I could still write and paint... I can't rule it out... is any place really more healing than another?

I've gotten a lot of work done... I worked on putting together some pieces from Justin Voight's and my trip through Big Bend and West Texas... I actually got a collage done, and I'm happy with it!

it's on an 11 x17 canvas that I covered in a thin layer of beeswax medium (I used the wax scraps from other collages, so all different neutral colors, and I smoothed it out with my quilting iron... Then, I ironed two layers of white tissue paper on the waxy side of freezer paper and cut them to fit in the printer and printed some of Justin and my photographs... and maps that I had collected... and then I just started layering the images on the wax with the iron.

YAY! One project completed... finished! awesome. that feels good.

Word play... and more

Okay... So I may have exaggerated a BIT on the photo of me jumping on the horse... Although, I DID jump pretty high jumps that were 6ft apart... with this horse, and even in the same place, and with the same trainer... but this photograph is of a jump that's just an average height... but I still think it's a cool photo.



That photo was taken in Norway... I learned a lot of the language when I was over there... and being a pre-teen and young-teen while living there, we'd laugh about certain Norwegian words that sounded funny... But, until I was at Eva's apartment in DC this summer... Kel and I realized that we completely missed one HI-LAR-I-OUS word... What's a bit sad is I'm laughing about it, now (almost 30), instead of 13...

Eva had a Norwegian tabloid magazine at her place, and I opened up to this, and cracked up:



"Fart" in norwegian, means fast... or speed... So, it means something like: "real fast" or "full speed"... but still! How did I live in Norway for so many years and never think that was funny... Kelly was hilarious... when i showed it to her, her jaw dropped... and Eva quizzed me on my Norwegian... and was impressed I knew what it meant...

Today, I read, cleaned... and did a little more art stuff... and bugged some of my friends, by calling and texting.

Here's some of what I've done:


This is an encaustic I started this summer... I just didn't feel it was finished %100... and it seemed unbalanced... so I added orange string... and made a heart shape around the heart... I think now all it needs is a little bit of light blue string next to the orange... and then a frame.... and then... VOILA! it's finished! yay!


I know this looks the same as it did before... but it's NOT at all... i've been going over and over these patterns with different colors... who knows what it'll end up being!

And this is a small collage I started... I tried to use Mod-Podge instead of wax... but the tissue paper (that I wanted to be clear) wouldn't go clear with mod-podge, so I put wax over that... and took a photo that I had printed on tissue paper... but it ripped... the yellow thing is probably going on there somewhere... I just haven't decided yet...

FACENESS!

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

"Does that make sense?!"

A few weeks ago, when I was in Dallas, I was interviewed for the Dallas Morning News Home section, about my art work...

The woman who interviewed me is so nice, she is the same one who did my write up for DailyCandy.com back in May.

But, I felt scattered in the interview... because there was SO much to say, and I had only an hour. I wanted her to know all of my artistic journey (which is not as much DMN article material as it is... well... a BOOK). I didn't know where to start, or what to say...

I tried my best... she told me I was making sense... I wasn't sure...

Usually when I'm talking about many things I'm passionate about simultaneously I usually ask, "does that make sense?" over, and over and over again..... because, most of the time, I know what I'm trying to say... but my words don't capture my thoughts and feelings... and I'm very abstract at times... so most people just smile and nod when I ask, "does that make sense?"

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards ... also I sent her an email afterwards, with the subject "Things I shoulda said":

"10-26-08
I just had an interview about my art. It's so hard to put my art into an hour long interview. I have journals and blogs that chronicle most of my journey, my life's journey.... learning... healing. I don't even know how to describe everything... and put it in a nutshell...

My art is so much bigger than me... about honesty, healing, stories.... my stories.... telling stories with symbols... but sometimes even a simples shape or object carries more weight than I can even know.. It comes from something else... in me... but not me... God? Love? The collective consciousness? Every little moment in time and each story since the beginning has brought me to my place, my current story... it's not even MY art...

Art was always there... and will always be... art and love.

Unfortunately, for most (including me), it takes suffering to be able to see, really SEE, the art and love in everything. Carter's death was the catalyst for my art... but it does not define it... but with love he's allowed me to see.. and share.

To me, art at first was a story.. my story, and heart crying to make sense of senselessness... Now art I make has changed as the story has evolved... I'm awake and alert... my eyes are opened, and i want to express that sight/insight with art. I try to respond moment by moment... Not holding on to how things are "supposed to be"... because we don't know how things are "supposed to be" ... that's the mystery of life, our stories are never what they're supposed to be (to us), but they are the pieces of the fabric of stories that come together to create the human story of life....

When I make art now, I want to share my journey. When I travel and see beautiful scenery; a landscape, and remember the landscape, I don't just remember the view, but I remember the feel of the rock i sat on, the falcon that flew over my head, the butterfly that landed by me, as if it wanted to be observed... they aren't the snapshot of the landscape, but they are a part of my experience and connection to that landscape at that moment... With art I try to express my personal experiences in those moments.."


Sorry.... a little longer than i meant to write... and I left a lot out... So, did that make sense? ha. joking... kinda....

Well, i don't know when the article is coming out... I'm working on new work too... I'd like to get into a gallery.... because I don't know how to do this myself... I am sending stuff to the Gypsy Wagon... so they'll have prints... I get overwhelmed with that part...

So, today... I read the book The Shack. I got it... but I'll talk about it another time.

i really really really wanted to do something else instead of the encaustic collage I've been working on... but I HAD to fix it... so I did... a bit... still not done, but not annoying me so badly:



Then I started a new really small collage, it might be done... It's so hard to tell... I think if they were both framed nicely, it'd make a HUGE difference...



Sorry about the photos.. My camera still has this big black blurry spot in the picture...

Encaustic collage comes back, as another one (camera) bites the dust..

Why am I the kiss of death for digital cameras?!? Every time I buy one, something happens! This summer I lost one to "lens error", then tonight I tried to take pictures of my work but there is a huge black fuzzy dot in the middle! I tried to clean the lens.. but it's still there... ugh! What is it? Will it go away?



All of my pics below were taken off-centered, and cropped so the dot won't show...


The last two days here in Midland, I've fought my Resistance... and won... I need to stop judging the results though.

I've unpacked my stuff. It's not a hard thing to do, but it's been harder, because I haven't been really settled and unpacked anywhere since last year when C was killed... I've been a refugee of sorts... When i stayed at the house my parents rented for me in Dallas, i was unpacked... but not settled.... my mind wasn't settled...

I'm so used to living out of a suitcase now, it's kinda scary... and sad.

But, i unpacked. and organized (almost everything)

I've written in my journal for the second day in a row (I'm proud of myself for that), and I've blogged (also proud of myself), and I've tried to do some encaustic collage....

I'm trying to not judge what I do... and let it happen... but it's HARD!

Here's my process: I had masonite board that I coated in beeswax medium, and then I took a paper doll book (that I bought on the Big Bend trip), a sewing pattern for dresses.. some doilies, and tissue papers.... I used a quilting iron that I bought a few months ago and collaged on the pieces wax...

It started like this:



And then I decided to add the Indian Girl paper doll book:



and



Those pictures were taken with my cell, so the color is a bit different...

Then, today i decided to add more dress pattern and color in the dresses.... I'm not really happy with how this looks... it's too abstract for me... I may cut out the paper doll dresses.... I'm still working with this though:



I'm trying not to judge what I do... and just react to what I put down instead... Sometimes I stop myself, and say out loud, "thinking, judging, let go..."

I may let that project sit for a few days before I get back to it...

I've been somewhat of a hermit here so far (but for two days... does that even count?!?), I'm tired from all of the traveling... and I'm ready to get to work ... and make some work I'm happy with... i think I need to be a little bit of a recluse to tap back in to my connectedness and creativity flow. Does that just make me strange? probably.... but a lot of the great artists and writers were considered "strange". I know I'm not "normal"... and I'm finally making peace with that.

I'm fighting fear right now... fear of being an artist, or a writer... just fear of patience... maybe? fear of failure and fear of success... It makes me want to hide... but I can't. I KNOW something good will come... but I'm being tested. Damn that "Resistance!".