Another "Notes to Self"

I'm back in Midland, but I've spent the last few weeks in Austin, "feeling it out"... but not ready to make a commitment to moving... I guess I was waiting for my pumpkin to be turned into a carriage or something.... but then, it was brought to my attention..... and I realized: I have to decide.... make a decision even if it's scary and there is no fairy godmother involved.....

So, I found a place, in Austin.... In the neighborhood I like.... its a SMALL studio apartment.... (400 sq ft).... but you know what? I don't need "stuff".... there's NO safety in objects... Or ideas, plans or people... so I think this will be a good thing for me..

i'm back in Midland now.... with my pups.. and family....

My B-day is on Lundi Gras this year.... so, my parents used their airline credits and (AWWWWW YEAH) I'm headed down to NOLA for Carnival time! It'll be good.... I haven't seen my friends there in years.... and Mardi Gras is my favorite holiday.... i just don't know what I should be (costume-wise)..... We'll see.... I'm excited to go there!

Soooo... Since it's late and I'm tired...

I thought I'd do another "notes to self" segment..... (the random notes I write myself on my phone.... but I usually forget I wrote):

50
Arachnidiot: A person who accidentally wanders into an "invisible" spider web and begins gyrating and flailing about wildly.

(yes I've done that.... and seen others do it too.... I copied this down from the Galaxy Cafe)

Hawaii
(seen in Kauai)

Mele Kalikimaka

"Drifted objects tumbled pieces of life, only the strongest reach the shore to be found and transformed, abstract representations of life lived." (quote from an artist at Little Tsunami Tattoo)

I Need

Someone to tell me to "go to bed" at a decent hour.... Being a night person has its darkside, especially when you're trying to live on the light side. Some hate the moon.... I tend to lean towards the side that hates the sun...f mornings!!!

Is it possible?
If i sleep in my scarf, could I accidentally strangle myself in my sleep?

Love:
I'm in love:
With what love gives
and what it takes.
Giving myself love,
Giving to love...
In the end:
It all goes back to love....
We all return to love.....

Nothing:
I don't have anything earth-shattering to say;
Nothing amazing to say...
I just have my thoughts,
my voice,
my one voice in the sea of billions,
my one voice in the history of trillions
of life stories.....
past, present, future...

One More
One more cigarette.
One more time.
One more minute.
One more chance to say what I wanted to.....
What I meant to.
Just one more.
.... and then another one.

What?!
Huh?
What?
Huh?
What?
Sorry, I don't hear well....
....{these are} conversations i have.....

Peaceful Place

Austin seems to be screaming at me to move here...

There is so much opportunity for me here to grow as an artist and a writer... and even today I was forwarded a job opportunity that is right up my alley...

My biggest problem/issue, has been my indecision... So to change that, I've decided to be more decisive... (see! a decision already made!). I tend to wait for things to happen, and then I respond... but i need to start making decisions and going for it and then responding... So... now I'm not just feelings things out, but actively pursuing and planning to move.

on another note: in my blog Change, I posted a picture of a church in Midland (Our Lady Guadalupe)... I was asked about it in the comments.... Then I dug up something I wrote about it almost a year ago when I first discovered this church, and I was in a much different place emotionally.

Today I had a great visit with my sister. She even took me to the Catholic church I was hoping to find over Christmas. I mean, the EXACT kind of beauty and symbolism that I pictured, but didn't know was there.

It's a beautiful out door church atrium with chapels, shrines and sculptures... and we were alone. If I were to have walked into another church, I'd be confronted by really smiley, overly friendly, excited people, with huge smiles, saying "oh, are you a visitor?" "Where are you from?" .... but in the atrium of the Catholic church (on the other side of the tracks... literally), I found none of that.... just peace, and the feeling of thousands of heart-felt prayers lingering in the air.

In the shrine, there were candles lit and there was also a bulletin board with pictures and letters covering both sides of the shrine. Most of the letters were in Spanish (which I can't read), but it didn't matter... I could feel the energy and sense of urgency, to find the light in the pits of grief, fear and sorrow.

Looking at that wall, and kneeling at the shrine gave me a flash of clarity: I'm not alone. Suffering afflicts everyone, who am I to think I'd be above it? I felt a sense of unity in participating in this dance of the cycles of life and death.

And then another feeling hit me... one that I felt bad for having happened at such a pure time: I had to pee... BADLY. It must have been some sort of cosmic joke. A sense of oneness interrupted by the sense of a overly full bladder.

Home now.... tired, but I feel good. now i know where to go when I need to get away and pray in a sacred place.

crazy like an artist

another photo I took, in Marathon, Texas and digitally altered.

I'm in Midland... today I spent the day emailing, going to the printer here in Midland... and searching for lost CDs that have scans of my paintings on them... I found one... it has the first 3 paintings I did last year on it.

It seems like they were painted SOOO long ago... My art has changed so much... like I have.

Sometimes I hear myself speak to other people... and offer advice, and then think, I need to take that advice as well...

It's so easy to get caught up in what other people think... trying to make other people proud... but that's the road to let-down after let-down... I can't always make decisions that will make everyone proud... not friends, parents, strangers... everyone seems to have their own opinion on the best decision someone should make... But really, all that matters is that I'm proud of my choices... Whether they're popular or not... easy or hard... as long as I stay true to myself and I'm proud of myself.

It's much easier said than done... but it's doable.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross is probably my favorite author, and an amazing woman, who lead an incredible life. A life filled with unpopular choices and actions, but she really lived life, fully. In the last part of her memoir, "The Wheel of Life," written to her children, shortly before her death, she writes:

"...know your own self and view life as a challenge where the hardest choices are the highest ones, the ones that will resonate with righteousness and provide the strength and insight of Him... The greatest gift God has given us is free choice. There are no accidents. Everything in life happens for a positive reason. Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.

We must all learn to love and be loved unconditionally.

All the hardships that come to you in life, all the tribulations and nightmares, all the things you see as punishments from God, are in reality like gifts, They are an opportunity to grow, which is the sole purpose of life.

Everyone is loved beyond comprehension.

Everyone is blessed and guided.

It is very important that you do only what you love to do. You may be poor, you may go hungry, you may live in a shabby place, but you will totally live. And at the end of your days, you will bless your life because you have done what you came to do.

Everything is bearable when there is love.

My wish is that you try to give more people more love.

The only thing that lives forever is love."

The sentence that resonates with me the most now is: "do only what you love to do."

Some days it's so much easier than others...

I've started to realize something lately: now that I'm an "artist," I can be weird, and strange and make unpopular choices.... it's like I'm allowed to be strange... "oh, well she's an artist... so, you know..."

Which is good, because I've always appeared to be normal, but when people got to know me they'd find out I was strange... Now I have an excuse... and I can do what I love, even if everyone thinks I'm crazy.... at least I'll have done what i came to do.

LA?

Today my parents and youngest sister are in LA for my brother's premier, for the movie Twilight...

Last night, I was talking to them and it came up that maybe I should move to LA... maybe be a publicist... It's not the first time the possibility has come up... but every time I've said, no way, no how... I'm not healed enough.... strong enough... But now, I'm actually considering the possibility... of maybe...

I have to admit: When I think about me, in LA I picture: roller blading... over-sized sunglasses... being really tan or really white (not in-between) ... eating über healthy... taking Dylan to Doga classes... saying things like "über" and "So-Co"...

But I have friends there... and family there...

Is LA calling my name? I NEVER would have thought so, but maybe it is... as long as I could still write and paint... I can't rule it out... is any place really more healing than another?

I've gotten a lot of work done... I worked on putting together some pieces from Justin Voight's and my trip through Big Bend and West Texas... I actually got a collage done, and I'm happy with it!

it's on an 11 x17 canvas that I covered in a thin layer of beeswax medium (I used the wax scraps from other collages, so all different neutral colors, and I smoothed it out with my quilting iron... Then, I ironed two layers of white tissue paper on the waxy side of freezer paper and cut them to fit in the printer and printed some of Justin and my photographs... and maps that I had collected... and then I just started layering the images on the wax with the iron.

YAY! One project completed... finished! awesome. that feels good.

FACENESS!

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

Silent and sneaky war of art.

I got back to Midland tonight... My GPS took me on a very scenic, but also very out-of-the-way drive from Lockhart to Midland... all 7 hours of it.

While I was driving, I was trying to connect to the work I plan to get done and do... The book/project that Justin Voight and I are working on... the whole reason for the trip to the Big Bend area... but I couldn't.

I was doubting myself... my creativity... a lot of fear of not being able, or good enough... I felt like I lost that creative drive that was fueling me before I left Midland.

I called Justin, we talked for a long time... we were both struggling with the same issues. But, instead of discouraging each other, our conversation caused us to dissect our fear, anticipation, procrastinations... look at ourselves.... all of it. I felt back on track when I pulled the car in the driveway.

I was REALLY tired, and wanted to go to bed. But Mons gave me a book (months ago- procrastination), and I promised to read it as soon as I got back to Midland. It's called The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. (thank you! I'm so glad I read it)

As soon as I started to read it, I couldn't put it down. He describes the conversations that Justin and I had just had an hour earlier perfectly. The fear, the excuses.... all of the blocks to creativity... or rather the blocks to the canvas, or blank page... he calls that force "the Resistance" that we all have.

It's a force that has to be fought daily.... and reading that book made me realize that a lot of my traveling (or most of it) was my Resistance to producing what I needed to. I've learned and read and traveled in order to make art... but do I have anything substantial to show for it? Not yet... always tomorrow.

I came back to Midland a week later than I had planned ... that is a full week of not sitting down and producing work... or writing. I'm not beating myself up about it... I'm just realizing it.. processing it.

I mean, I didn't even blog! i felt like there was too much to say... or not enough pictures.... excuses, excuses... either way, nothing substantial was done (work-wise)... well, besides substantial procrastination....

So, tomorrow, I'm going to unpack the car, and organize.... then schedule. (I hate schedules!) But I'm going to make sure that I write three pages in my journal everyday, at a certain time, and treat going into my studio and making art like a job... I'll be on the clock, whether I feel like it or not.

And I've got Justin as an accountability partner... we're gonna check in with each other to help keep us out of the blockages.

I'm not saying it's going to be perfect or amazing... actually I expect it's gonna be harder than we think.

But at least I took one step in the right direction today, and actually blogged!

Overly ambitious... and heart shaped rocks...

Heart Shaped Rocks! I explain in the last few paragraphs:



So... we made it through Big Bend... Right now we're in Marfa. we just had breakfast at a little coffee shop/juice bar/breakfast place called Squeeze Marfa. I'm listening to the man next to me chatting away on his cell phone in Norwegian... little does he know that I can understand part of his conversation... not very much.. but enough that would shock him. I'd tell him... but I need to type before I get into a conversation.


So... our Big Bend adventure:

On Monday, we left Marathon and headed towards Big Bend. We stopped in Alpine for groceries... and we stopped to take pictures along the way. We stopped in Terlingua Ghost Town.. it's not really a ghost town any more, because people live there... but the remenents of the ghost town are still there. We took pictures of the cemetery and old buildings...

Then the increasingly beautiful drive into Big Bend. Some areas of the park are still flooded and closed... we had no idea how big of a deal the floods were until we talked to locals...

Once we were in the park, we headed up to the Chisos Mountains. We decided to camp one night in the basin, and then spend the next hiking up to the South Rim.

Monday night we grilled out... our camp was visited by a group of 6 Javelinas... they were fine... and nice... they walked right up to us...

The next day we packed our backpacks and headed out on the 6.5 mile hike. We OVER packed... I couldn't even lift my backpack, and Justin's was so heavy that the strap of his ripped and we spent an hour duct taping it... The whole hike was up a mountain... NO RELIEF! It was the hardest thing either one of us has EVER done... I still have NO idea how we made it... we didn't make it to the top... but we made it 3 miles UP and that took us 5 hours! We were more than exhausted... we pitched our tent at the first campsite we came to and slept... for 13 hours! EXHAUSTED!


The next day we left our stuff at the campsite and hiked the rest of the way to the South Rim... it was beautiful. incredible. But we were hurting so bad, I'm not sure if we were able to enjoy it as much. But we did it.

After reading in the Big Bend hiking book about the hike... we realized that we overestimated our hiking abilities... and were overly ambitious... some may say STUPID. The book said it was VERY STRENUOUS but that every hiker "worth his or her salt" will try to hike the South Rim at least once... oops... we are two people who don't even work out! Even the hike down to the basin was so hard... it looked like we were beaten up badly... and we were.

That night we desperately needed showers... so we drove back to Terlingua and stayed at a motel there. Yesterday we woke up and drove back into Big Bend... we did a SHORT .25 mile hike... but mostly drove... a beautiful drive through desert... down to where the road was closed from flooding.

Something AMAZING happened.... I wanted to play Carter's CD for Justin... so we were listening to it and driving. I really felt like I could connect to the environment and the experience.... I felt like I could feel Carter around... We stopped and walked around... I said a little something... something like, if I really feel you, show me... let me find a heart shaped rock...

I'm NOT even kidding: As soon as I said that I looked around and EVERY rock where I was standing was heart shaped! i started to pick them up... Some of them looked heart shaped because of shadows... but a lot WERE heart shaped... they were EVERYWHERE!

I didn't want to tell justin... because I thought he'd think I was nuts... but he walked over when I was taking pictures... I told him, and then I picked one up... he said, "Oh my god! you weren't kidding! that is a heart!"

Here's a picture of one of the rocks:

After that there were hearts everywhere... When we drove into to Marfa, we stopped at a Indian gift shop... they had "Worry Stones" the one on top was a red stone in the shape of a heart! I picked it up... it was the only one that was heart shaped... the other ones weren't in any shape...

wow... I asked... and I got my answer.

The road goes on forever....

...and the party never ends... Seriously... the road goes on FOREVER... hours on a open road.. and not seeing any other cars.. it's insane, especially after driving through New England last month...



After packing up and getting the last necessities (and some arguable necessities) we were on the road. First stop: Monahans Sandhills State Park..

Monahans is amazing... so remote... and white sand dunes that seem to go on forever... i took my shoes off and walked around. We rented a sand disk for a dollar, (which is a disk shaped sled), and I tried it twice... but barely slid... I slid quite a ways on a really steep sand dune... but at really slow speed... I think it's made for kids who weigh nothing.

It was windy and really sandy... but amazing and beautiful. The color contrasts between the sand, the sky, and even the plants... is incredible. It is so remote... we only saw one other car while we were there...

Next we went to the Wickett, TX bluegrass festival... um.... or non-festival... Wickett is a town of 400 people... as it puts the po in podunk. We found the building, but there was no one and no sound.... except the wind across the very flat land... there was a cute little boy standing outside the arts building, blonde hair, wearing jeans and a white wifebeater. I asked him if there was any music.... he just shook his head, no... it was REALLY creepy... Children of the Corn, creepy... the only thing creepier would've been if he said, "yes, inside...." .... yikes. Here's a pic of the building and street of the festival:


To be fair, the website said the festival went on for three days... we got there on the 3rd day... it coulda been hoppin' the first two days... but for some reason, I'm skeptical.

Then we headed towards Big Bend... we stopped in Grandfalls to take pics, and then Marathon, "the place where the pavement ends and the west begins." The drive was AMAZING... SO incredibly beautiful... the landscape is so hard to describe.... it's plains that go on forever... and then Huge random mountains!

Marathon is a really incredible place... We feel like we are in THE west! (we are, but... it's the energy or something)

We are staying at the very nice and very haunted Gage Hotel in Marathon... the employees have been spooking us with ghost stories...

We left to go see the Marfa lights.. I was SHOCKED. I can't believe that something so strange, as lights bouncing around and appearing and disappearing isn't more visited and hasn't been figured out... that's just beyond me...

Tomorrow, More adventure.. but so far, i'm even more impressed than I thought possible... I'm not sure when I'll be able to write next.. so bear (ha!) with me...

here's a pic at dinner at the Gage Hotel... me acting silly (shocker)

Facebook Narcissist? No.... just Schizotypal

So, last week I read an article that talked about narcissism and Facebook. The study cited, claimed that by seeing a persons Facebook or Myspace profile they could determine whether he or she was a narcissist...

So, so I started to wonder.... By looking at my facebook and myspace pages would they think I'm a narcissist???

What is a narcissist:

• Psychology extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

So... i looked up personality disorder tests... I found one... I took it... turns out there is a very low probability of me being a narcissist ... but I have a high probability of being Schizotypal... of all of the personality disorders, that was the only one that came up as me having a "high" level on... Why? Because I believe in intuition and miracles... and things that are unexplainable...

honestly, I don't believe a word, especially since it was a personality disorder test i took online just for fun... but, I do think it's really funny.

This is where it fits in to my day:

I cleaned and packed today... and took two pieces of mine to a juried art show here in Midland (one was a page from my nature journal, and the other was the vase I painted that is reminiscent of the "big mouth bass" singing fish....), Kel has work entered as well... After that, Justin got to Midland.

I was really excited to take him out to Our Lady Guadalupe Catholic church... it's outside, and amazing photo opps...I sketched and he took amazing pics...


as we were leaving, we were talking about our pics and a woman (looked like a nurse, she was wearing scrubs), said, "did you see it pulsating?"

We thought she meant the shrine... no, she meant the sun. She said if you look right at the sun, it pulsates and spins... and it doesn't hurt your eyes. She also told us about pictures she'd taken of the sun... pictures where she'd seen her grandmother... and others where she could see babies in the clouds... and it looked like umbilical cords attached to the sun...

Then she looked at the sun... and said, "it's pulsating now!" Justin and I both tried to see it... and both were blinded... I tried again, and it did look like it was pulsating... but I think it was my retina throbbing...

When we got in the car.. JV and I talked about skepticism and miracles... Was the sun pulsating for me? no.... but it was for her. And I don't doubt that. I took pictures of the moon this summer... they came out EVERYTIME like perfect hearts... the moon wasn't shaped that way that night... i know it was my hands shaking... but it still meant a lot to me... So I guess anyone who believes in miracles is in the Schizotypal group... at least we know we're in good company! :)

Tomorrow we leave for Monahans (for a once a year bluegrass festival!) and Marathon... all these west Texas cities start with M!

We both know this is going to be an amazing trip... EVERYTHING has been falling into place just right.