Change.

Death has been all too frequent, sudden and present lately... My parents have lost several friends, and children of friends... friends have lost friends and parents and loved ones...

It's the cycle of life... But the part that is so scary, and sad... the part we usually choose to pretend doesn't exist, or happen "to us."

I remember people coming up to me after C's death, and saying, "I don't know what to say to you."
And I'd answer, "I wouldn't know what to say to me either..."

I still don't.

People would tell me, "It just takes time."
Time! Time! Time! Time!!!! I wanted to SCREAM!!!

I didn't want time. I wanted everything to go back to the way things were... not time. It was the last thing that I wanted to hear...

But, looking back at myself and journal entries from a year ago.... I realize time has made a difference.

Not that "time heals all wounds" ... that's BS.... but time allows for the new and different life to begin... not forgetting the past, but by honoring it by REALLY living, and learning to live my new reality. Time gives space from events and with that space, I could process, and grow...

Change hurts. Growth hurts.... Change is scary.... I even overheard my little sister last week say, "I hate change!"....

but it always happens... regardless of how badly I'd like to hold on to things as they are.... they're changing too... The only constant is change...


A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to let go of the past... because I was terrified to forget.

Exactly a year ago I wrote:

Call up Dr. Kevorkian
and say I've gotta joke for him,
Death has watched over my cradle
Life's always been %100 fatal

And then I wrote a lot of stuff... hard for me to read... I did not want to go forward... but I didn't want to stay in pain either... I was so lost... wanting answers, seeking, fighting, angry... all of the 5 stages.... but those 5 stages are like primary colors... you can mix them together to get different colors and shades....

So, with all of this death around me, and change happening.... you'd think I'd have something brilliant to say.... That now I'd KNOW what to say.... but I don't.

But I know saying "time" doesn't help.... but being present for someone, constantly, present (whether they ask for it or not).... Presence, while time does its job, creating space, says more than any words could possibly say.

Tonight, I looked in my phone.... once again, I have a crazy list of "Notes to Self:" (i honestly don't know when i write these - but they end up there)... this is one I wrote since the last time I blogged about "notes to self"

Change:

Knowing change is coming is sad.
I like how things are now,
at this perfect moment....

sitting under the stars...
I just saw a shooting star...

But, if I don't let go of this moment, or any moment,
there will never be another "perfect moment"...
and that would more sad...
the saddest of all.

It would be so much easier to live in the mystery of life. if i didn't care about, love. and develop relationships...
but without relationships, it wouldn't be worth living.

One year has made a huge difference... but it has to be felt ... not said.

a photo I took and digitally altered of a church in Midland