Mother's Day

3 years ago, if you would have told me that I would be a mother of an 18 month old, I would have laughed in your face, "NO WAY!" There is no way I could have possibly imagined the path that life has taken me.

Four years ago, after suffering the sudden and tragic loss of the love of my life, I was searching.... searching for life, searching for clues... searching for myself, searching for a reason to want to live. I drove across the country and back. Along the way I was partying way too much... I was smoking cigarettes by the carton, drinking, popping pills, anything to keep me from feeling like a part of real life.

I had just decided to move to a new city. I had just signed the lease to a cute studio apartment, I was two weeks away from moving. The last thing I was expecting was to be expecting... and then it happened. My body was acting a little funky, so on a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was IMMEDIATELY positive. Like an out-of-body experience, I stood there... holding the test... I could barely even read the results because my hand was shaking so badly. I felt weak. I felt like I was going to faint. So, I popped a Klonopin and made the phone call.... "I'm pregnant." That was just a little over two years ago...

Now I have this perfect little man, this little being in my life who is the love of my life. I have this little family that I love so very dearly. I have found life again. I love being a part of life again. Being a mother has changed my life for the better, I take better care of myself, because I want to make sure I can be there for him to provide him with the best life possible. I look into his eyes and I find the strength that I never knew I had, and I find love that I never knew I'd ever be able to experience, on a level that I never even knew existed.

Crocs...

I know I've talked about my unfortunate love of Crocs before...

Yes... it's true.

I always hated the shoes, thought everyone looked ridiculous wearing them, unless they were really old, or little kids... And then, one day 4 years ago, it happened:

I was about to go outside barefoot and a pair of Croc flip-flops were by the backdoor. So, I slipped them on and.... BOOM! They were the most comfortable flip-flops I had ever had on my feet. It was like walking on two perfect orthapedic clouds made just for me... and I unfortunately fell in love.

But those were flip-flops, I told myself, not the Croc-y Crocs that you see people wearing in ridiculous colors that I would NEVER wear. Little did I know, that the flip-flops were the gateway drug of Crocs... after about a year I bought a pair of brown real Croc-y Crocs... I told myself and other people that they were my "studio shoes"... I mean, what artist doesn't need a good pair of studio shoes??? Right?! Riiiiiight...

Having "studio shoes" was just a slippery slope to wearing them all of the time... They became the easy shoe to slip on whenever I had to go anywhere... I became one of THOSE Croc wearing people... and I didn't even care, because my feet were so happy... after a lifetime of uncomfortable cute shoes, my feet were SO happy.

I wish I could say that my addiction to Crocs stopped there... but that would be a lie. I even went to a Croc outlet store and bought Croc Maryjanes... I justified this purchase to myself and thought, if I was going to wear Crocs everyday, it'd be better if they didn't look so Croc-ish...



I wore both pair all through out my pregnancy, and post baby too... and then one day I decided, it was time to step up the wardrobe. So, I sold the Mary Janes at a garage sale (lucky bitch), and I decided to keep the "studio shoes" for gardening... (yeah right)...

This is where divine intervention must have taken place, and now those shoes have magically dissappeared... gone forever... Which is probably for the best... I know it is.

But the whole point of this LONG Croc story is, I decided to buy some Crocs for my little guy. Little kids look so cute in them and they are so easy to put on... it doesn't matter if they get wet... ya know...

So finally, they arrive in the mail, and I go to put them on his feet and he screams and cries in horror!

MY BABY HATES CROCS!!! What??? I'm so confused... they are so comfortable, they are so easy... and yet he cries and tugs at them and wants to get them off as fast as he can...

My kid is so much cooler than I'll ever be...

Praying for Japan

I thought about blogging, about the little idiosyncrasies of the day:
Like blogging about how someone stole my debit card info and tried to use my card, or about how I can't believe the CVS by my house is only open till 10 pm, or about how scared I was taking my little one to the dentist for the first time...

And then I think about Japan. I see the videos of the tsunami, and my heart breaks for Japan, and the people effected by the earthquake, tsunami and now the fear of radiation from the nuclear reactors...
and when I see videos like this one, I'm speechless:


How can I bitch about everyday life when my everyday life is normal!?

I still have a house, a city, a child to take to the dentist... I feel so fortunate that for today, everyone I know and love is safe and sound. I know firsthand how fast that can change... So, today, I'm embracing my mundane day-to-day activities of everyday life, and saying prayer and sending all my love to the people of Japan... and donating too...

There is one story that came out of Japan, among the countless stories of horror and heartbreak, there is one story that makes my heart happy. The story of a little baby found alive and reunited with her family.

Drunk Ass

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Happy Mardi Gras everyone!

I love LOVE LOVE Mardi Gras!!! And I'm so sad that I'm not in NOLA this year for it! It is my all time favorite holiday... I wish that Mardi Gras was a national holiday... In Louisiana, kids get a WEEK off of school and everyone wears costumes...

I love costumes... I guess I'm a NOLA gal at heart. All of the Mardi Gras parades are amazing, but my very favorite day is Fat Tuesday, or Mardi Gras day, when everyone wears beautiful, elaborate costumes and everyone is so happy that the atmosphere is ELECTRIC... Everyone passing you on the street yells "Happy Mardi Gras!" or "Happy Carnival!"... it's an amazing experience to be in the French Quarter that day. It's electric!

I was not at Mardi Gras this year. I was instead, getting ready to fly to Orlando with a 16 month old to visit my bestfriend. I am so excited to see her and for the trip, but I was freaking out about flying with a busy toddler by myself... I just got an iPad and spent all of last night learning how to download shows and movies... I downloaded a bunch of Dora the Explorers and Backyardigans, and apps to keep little ones busy ... but I'm just learning how to use the iPad and at times it was so frustrating I wanted to cry and throw it! Throw it across the room/ in the trash... I didn't care.... I just hated the iPad last night.

I think part of my problem is that I've never had an iPhone, and have rarely used my iPod, so this was all new territory for me. I stayed up until 2 am trying to figure everything out....

So, last night I had stress-induced Mardi Gras dreams:

I dreamed that I was playing the keyboard (yes... I had a gig... at a hotel...) and I was missing the Mardi Gras celebration. But then, after my gig, I left the keyboard with the front desk and walked towards the action.

All of these people were greeting me, "Hi Ryann, Happy Mardi Gras!" They knew me, but I didn't recognize them, but I pretended to anyway... I thought I had Prosopagnosia the same disorder that my sister called, excitedly the other day, to tell us she has: Prosopagnosia (look it up, yo!) ...and yes, she really does think she has this... and if I've ever not remembered you, maybe I have it too...

Then, someone gave me a donkey to ride. So I was riding a donkey in the post-Mardi Gras crowd, when a girl gave my donkey a bucket of beer.... My donkey drank it, and got so drunk that he passed out... In the middle of the road.

So, of course (in my dream), I wanted to take a picture with my phone and upload it to Facebook with the caption: "My drunk ass at Mardi Gras!"

Get it?! Drunk ass/donkey??



I'm so slightly funny (or punny - haha) in my dreams...

Anyways, I could not get the phone to take a picture... and if it did take, I couldn't get it to upload to Facebook... very similar to my frustration with the iPad last night...

But don't worry: There was no drunk ass at Mardi Gras... at least, no ass of mine!

Happy MARDI GRAS!!!




By the way:
Thank GOD the iPad was created .... it is an AMAZING way to keep my toddler happy on a long plane ride!

imagine

I bought these really cool recycled tin letters online for the little guy's room.

Out of all of the words I could have chose from: Peace, Smile, Dream, Hope, Live, Love and Imagine, I chose imagine. It reminded me of the John Lennon song and I thought it would be perfect for him to wake up and see the word "Imagine" everyday.

Of course, I chose the word with the most letters!!! SEVEN INDIVIDUAL LETTERS... and you have to hang each letter with screws, on the wall... And some letters have a hole for one screw in the back and some have two... How the hell am I gonna do this without going crazy?!

When I opened the package, I laid out the letters on the dinning room table, and just getting them even and straight took at least 10 minutes... but I wasn't even trying to hang them...

So, I found a piece of wood outside.... I think what I might do is paint this wood, and then glue the letters on the wood and then just hang the piece of wood... That sounds easier... I think...

But now I'm trying to figure out, what color to paint the wood and what type of glue to use..... I'm imagining all of the possibilities...

Here's what they look like laid out on the scrap wood:

New Year's reality checks

Okay... So...

I made resolutions this year. I had a goal... or goals...

My first goal/resolution was to be, think and speak more positively. I think in the last 3 years, I've developed a pretty negative inner dialogue, and I don't want to become a bitter person... so this year's goal was to get out of the negativity and negative thinking! So far, I think I'm doing alright... (notice the positive tone :))

My second goal is to get back into art.

This is where I'm having a problem.

I promised myself that I would start a painting by the end of January... That didn't happen.... I stared and stared at a blank canvas... But I wasn't staring at a blank canvas sitting in front of me... the blank canvas is tucked away between the chest of drawers and the wall of my bedroom. But I know it's there... and it's the one I'm going to paint on.... eventually. I hope.

AH! Artist's block!

I haven't painted anything since the baby was born... 15 months ago!

People say having a baby should be creatively inspiring... but I feel like I used up all of my creative juices growing him, and then taking care of him... and now chasing him... After he goes to bed, and I'm done cleaning up the toddler mess, I would much rather veg out on the couch with a glass of wine and watch the Jersey Shore than get out paints and start trying to be creative...

So, I bought a camera. A big bad SLR camera... well, not the baddest, but the entry model of the baddest: a Nikon 3100. I had these delusions of skipping around with my awesome new camera, taking amazing, artistic shots of the world around me... taking amazing, artistic and creative shots of my toddler... but (reality check) that's not happening either.

I'm learning how to use my camera. And I'm also learning that it's impossible to set up a shot, and adjust the settings on my camera all while chasing a really fast toddler.

I guess the artsy stuff will come later... until then, I will enjoy the Jersey Shore, and Photoshop will be my best friend.


This is my most "artsy" shot to date (and I don't think this really "counts"):

sharing.

I'm not sure when that knot in my stomach, that pain in my chest will go away. It's been almost three years and when I think of C or look at pictures or hear his voice that pain, that kind of pain that hurts so deep, the kind that takes away my breath, comes back.

Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's the nearing of the anniversary. Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's lack of sleep. Maybe I'm not as good at the grief thing as I thought. Maybe it'll go away. Maybe it'll never ever go away. Maybe...

I try to stay focused on the present and future... and look back on the past with love. But some times the pain sneaks in. I don't always feel like this. But I have been for the last week or so. I'm sad. I miss Carter and it physically hurts to miss him.

I'm blessed in so many other ways. I know that. I'm blessed to have a partner who understands, who has been there for me, who I trust and love. I'm blessed that son makes me smile and laugh everyday and makes my heart smile.

I don't know why I felt like sharing this tonight. But I did... and now I feel a little bit better.

A year flies by...

One year in 120 seconds from Eirik Solheim on Vimeo.

It's amazing how fast a year goes by.

Life was completely different a year ago... I was trying to figure out what to do with my life, where to move, what to do next... and now I'm in Austin, with a bundle of joy, and I'm focused on the future, for him... for us.

I still have a lot to figure out... but I think that is an issue that will never totally go away.... I hope it never does.

I will blog again... but taking a break for now.

So, it looks like I've abandoned this blog. I haven't.

But, I haven't been feeling all that great... I haven't wanted to paint, because that would mean me sitting on the floor.... and I'm 9 months pregnant and that is the last thing I want to do... and I don't want to blog and sound like Debbie Downer... I'd rather wait until I'm on a creative binge again. Soooo, I'm taking a break.

I'm not sure for how long. But, I will be back and blogging soon.

Show Tomorrow!

I'm in Dallas. The opening reception for the show is tomorrow!

Here are the details:

Date: Thursday, August 20, 2009
Time: 8:00pm - 10:00pm
Location: Magnolia Theatre, upstairs
Address: 3699 McKinney Ave, Dallas, TX
check www.magnoliagallerydallas.com for updates and pictures.

The show runs from August 20th - September 23rd.

I've been moving and haven't had an internet connection.... and haven't made time to blog... but I've gotten a lot of work done since the last time I blogged.

I've changed several of the pieces significantly and I now have 8 pieces on wood, plus the 4 silhouettes on canvas.

I'm actually happy with the work, and it looks great up on the walls! Thanks to Scott and Nicole Horn at Magnolia!!!

bad egg

last night I burned water... and eggs.

I was going to hard boil a few eggs. I put the eggs and water on the stove to boil and then I started to paint...

Drawing patterns and going over patterns is very meditative for me... I started drawing and getting really into it.... so into it that after I was done with the patterns on one painting, I picked up another and did the same thing...

I'm not really sure how many hours had gone by when I heard an explosion in the kitchen... The explosion was the eggs popping open... the yokes popped completely out! There was no water left in the pot... just really stinky burned eggs. Yuck!

The good part of the story is that I am REALLY happy with the way one of the pieces turned out... I tried a new technique and like it so much, I think I may continue to use it.

Here are the two pieces I worked on last night: (they are both 2'x2' on wood) .... and once again they are for my upcoming show at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia Theater) in Dallas, August 20th- Sept. 23rd.



and I've posted this one before- but I finished the background last night.

Hummingbirds

This is a hummingbird that I started today.

Check out this beautiful song that my dear friend Manya, and her band, Blue Petal wrote for me after Carter's death.

It's called "Hummingbird"

You can hear it on my Myspace page.... just a warning: I have not updated my myspace page in ages.

and here is a direct link to Manya's myspace page

And when you fall in love with her music and voice, the CD Blue Petal, Golden Storybook is available on CD Baby and iTunes.

This is a blog that wrote on my myspace page almost two years ago:

October 19th, 2007

why hummingbirds... i don't know. The last night I saw carter i was finishing the 5th of my bird drawings... it was a hummingbird. the other day i found a shirt I bought about a year ago... on it it has a beautiful hummingbird, and underneath that it says 10:30 Sept 2nd. 10:30 pm, is about the time i was finishing my hummingbird drawing, before i met carter out on Sept 2nd... the last time i saw him, since he was killed on the morning of the 3rd. The shirt also says Thurs and A7 - which i don't understand the significance of.

Since then, Manya (Blue Petal), wrote me a beautiful song about hummingbirds, and just today i was given a tail feather of a hummingbird. what is the significance of hummingbirds?

then I found this: Significance of Hummingbirds

"In many traditional cultures of the western world the hummingbird has powerful religious and spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, for example, the hummingbird is taken to be a symbol of resurrection. This is because each hummer becomes lifeless and seems to die on cold nights, but it comes back to life again when the miraculous sunrise brings warmth.

Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one really gets hurt. They teach us simple courage. Andrews says the twittering, vibrating sounds of the hummingbirds bring us an internal masage that restores health and balance.

Hummingbirds also inspire us to protect the environment and to preserve old traditions that are in danger of being lost. When Native American ways were being destroyed by the expanding Euro-American culture, the Ghost-Shirt religion was established to try to bring back the animals and old ways through dancing. The leader of the dance was a hummingbird....

Certainly hummingbird magic is available to all who live in the New World. There is something inside the soul of all of us that wants to soar through sunbeams, then dance midair in a delicate mist, then take a simple bath on a leaf.

There is something in our souls that wants to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, making them freeze in time. There is something in us that wants to fly backwards and savor once more the beautiful past.

Some of us are just hummingbird people."

Maybe I'm a hummingbird person.

If you've read my "bubbles" blog, you know how I feel about bubbles.

Here is a picture I found of a hummingbird with bubbles:



maybe i constantly search for signs.... possibly too much... but it gives me some sense of comfort. I would never have thought, but maybe i'm a "hummingbird person"

blah-blah-bloggy

I need to blah-blah-blog....

But I'm too tired.

I'm covered in blue paint and my back is sore... BUT I feel like I'm getting rid of the artist block... I already sketched out a b-i-g hummingbird on one of my backgrounds.... It's ready to paint tomorrow!

I'm going to make myself do one more... just one more, silhouette... then I will be free as a bird! (okay... it's too late at night for me to be typing and posting stuff online....)

This is what I worked on tonight:



Goodnight!

I'll write more later.

silhouette x4 = creative flow?

This is my 25 week (now 26 wk) belly that keeps getting in the way of serious arts and crafty-ness:



My second day of 4 hours of painting... and guess what?!?! I got blocked!

YUP! Creative constipation... and I was doing so good too... which is when the blockage usually strikes...

When I'm not on a time crunch, I have several methods of de-clogging myself:

1. Sit and stare at my piece for days or weeks at a time.

2. Ask any and everyone I come across what their suggestion would be...

3. Draw patterns.... trace patterns, draw patterns... I'll spend weeks working on tedious intricate patterns that I'll never really use.

4. Paint over what I have and start completely over.


Because I'm on a time crunch... I don't have time for any of the above.

So, I did this instead:

I bought 4 canvases.
I found an image I like.
I decided to paint the silhouette of the image on each canvas in different colors.

I finished one tonight:


I almost gave up on it half way through. But I pushed through... I think 4 of them, in different colors, will look nice hanging together. Plus, I can price them a bit lower... and they're simple. Maybe people will like them... Maybe painting 4 of these will be just the creative deblocker I need to get my flow back. (wow... I'm quite the wordsmith tonight!)

I'm crossing my fingers!

Getting to work

Okay.... Down to the wire... HAVE GOT to get to work!!! Paint paint paint!!!!

My show is August 20th- Sept 23rd at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia theater) in Dallas.

I need to stop thinking and judging so much and just start PAINTING!!!

I've decided to paint at LEAST 4 hours a day for the next 6 days.

The only thing is that now 4 hours is more like 8 hours... because I have to take frequent breaks, and stretch and walk around...

My belly is getting bigger! Sometimes I wish it was detachable.... and I could take it off to sleep and paint.... and then put it back on afterwards.

Tonight I worked mainly on backgrounds....









The last two I need to paint something on.... I'm trying to be more free... and less rigid and I want to stop judging what comes out of me naturally... I need to stop.

I may paint a bit more tonight... just a little more. And then 4 hours tomorrow too!