I don't feel great... I've been really sluggish, emotional, and pessimistic lately, (i guess it's good that i recognize it)... it could be a combination of things: the one year mark of C's death is next week, I'm back in Texas, it's really hot and I feel so scattered (because I am... I have no "home" no "home base"). I really did plan on staying in Dallas longer than 12 hours, but my thoughts and memories overpowered me and I had to leave..
I got everything in my car, including my dog, and seriously considered driving north.... I have no idea where... but just north... somewhere not as FREAKIN' hot... but I didn't. I drove to Austin (Lockhart - but pretty much the same thing). Dylan and i made a drive thru Starbucks run.... the woman at the window loved him, and gave him a cup of whipped cream... now, Dylan is as addicted to Starbucks' drive-thru as I am.
It's good to be with my friends, with C's friends... I just wish there was a way to put all of the "good" in one place that doesn't trigger the "bad" memories and feelings...
i feel like I've let so many people in Dallas down... I'm not there... I've removed myself from the scene, which has also kept me away from seeing friends, who I want to see...
I'm learning that I can't make everyone like me (and even C) by being nice.... I'm spread too thin... I do that to myself.
People have asked what I'm doing for the one year anniversary (I HATE calling it an "anniversary"... that's why I usually say "mark")... I have NO idea what I'll do... I don't wanna be anywhere.... i just have to get away... but, even the moon isn't far enough away. I don't want to be at a concert or get together.... but I don't wanna be alone either... I won't .... but, if I want to stay in bed all week, so be it! But, I want to know there are people close enough for me to talk to, if I need to....
Is that selfish? maybe.... or self-protecting? or just brutally honest.... i don't know...
Right after C died, someone (anonymous) wrote on my myspace: "when will you stop exploiting him." That hurt... it hurt so bad that I just recently told people about it... because I didn't know who it was from, so everyone became a suspect... all of a sudden EVERYONE (in my mind) thought I was exploiting him... Whoever wrote that, got what they wanted... I felt horrible...
but now, I'm not scared to write how I feel.... sometimes I write about C.... sometimes I don't... but now i realize that was just one person, with a lot of anger... and I know I'm not, or would ever, exploit anyone...(although, this may be self-exploitation in ways....)
I've learned so much from being away, and in NC.... now, I don't even flinch, or jump when I see a roach, and I'll still squish it... but I've seen so many bugs... HUGE bugs... spiders the size of my dog's paw! My NC roomie told me about new spiders there.... I said, "well obviously you don't ever want me to come visit." He answered, "Just kidding, there are only hummingbirds and bunnies."
That's kinda how life is: We want it to be all hummingbirds and bunnies... but if it weren't for the snakes an spiders, we'd never even notice them....
i'm scared: scared to go back to where I was almost a year ago... scared of the loss, and the shock, the pain....
Today DM and I went to go see Vicky Christina Barcelona... (which I loved.... Penelope Cruz is Hi-LAR-I-OUS... and I like her sooo much more now)... but before the movie, we went to Whole Life bookstore... I bought a book with daily affirmations and I turned to one earlier that really spoke to me:
"I can't see who you are until I surrender my expectations of you"
i think that's true about a lot of things: my friends, the one year mark of C's death, Dallas (or anywhere else), my family... my past, my future... the moment...
I have to surrender my expectations and live in the moment (and it doesn't take 10 hrs of Tolle on CD to teach me to live in the NOW).....
okay... i feel like I'm rambling... too much... probably not making much sense... this is more stream of consciousness typing and release... whew.... (even though I'll want to, I won't delete any of this later...)
I apologize in advance for TMI (text lingo for "too much information")
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3 comments:
Ryann, I know that you and I don't know each other that well. I think we probably exchanged maybe a handful of conversations during our time at ISS. I have vivid memories of crossing your class in line on our way to music, lunch, norwegian, recess or whatever. You always seemed shy, but you were always smiling. :-) So, I can't really speak for those people who know you now as an adult but I also can't understand how someone can say that you're exploiting someone you love simply because your in the midst of mourning him and remembering him. You mourn in your way, others in mourn in their way. If they don't like what you're doing on your MySpace then they simply don't have to read your MySpace. It's that simple. Part of the mourning process includes reveling in it. You need to allow yourself to be consumed by your loss as opposed to pushing it away. If there is anything that your "journey blog" is showing it's that you are allowing yourself to do that and finding healthy, cathartic ways (through art, writing, traveling)to release your consumption of sadness. I admire you, Ryann, I think you're handling this with a tremendous amount of strength and dignity. I realize I'm only getting the "electronic" version of you through blog posts and pictures but my instinct tells me so too. You're good friends, the close ones, the ones worth keeping will understand that you need to do this your way and will be there for you when you come through on the other side. Just let it all go. Spend C's week in whatever way feels comforting. Don't make plans. Just take it one minute at a time. Hope this wasn't too much rambling, TMI or even invasive. :-p I just think your doing a marvelous job of getting yourself through this. If there's one thing I'm learning about life myself right now it's that the snakes and spiders may scare us, may make us uncomfortable, but they can inevitably teach us, and ultimately be our friends too.
thank you so much for all of your words and your continued support...
seriously... thank you.
hopefully, now we'll have the opp to be friends as adults too...
thanks again! i needed reassurance today.... :)
You're welcome. :-)
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