Hummingbirds

This is a hummingbird that I started today.

Check out this beautiful song that my dear friend Manya, and her band, Blue Petal wrote for me after Carter's death.

It's called "Hummingbird"

You can hear it on my Myspace page.... just a warning: I have not updated my myspace page in ages.

and here is a direct link to Manya's myspace page

And when you fall in love with her music and voice, the CD Blue Petal, Golden Storybook is available on CD Baby and iTunes.

This is a blog that wrote on my myspace page almost two years ago:

October 19th, 2007

why hummingbirds... i don't know. The last night I saw carter i was finishing the 5th of my bird drawings... it was a hummingbird. the other day i found a shirt I bought about a year ago... on it it has a beautiful hummingbird, and underneath that it says 10:30 Sept 2nd. 10:30 pm, is about the time i was finishing my hummingbird drawing, before i met carter out on Sept 2nd... the last time i saw him, since he was killed on the morning of the 3rd. The shirt also says Thurs and A7 - which i don't understand the significance of.

Since then, Manya (Blue Petal), wrote me a beautiful song about hummingbirds, and just today i was given a tail feather of a hummingbird. what is the significance of hummingbirds?

then I found this: Significance of Hummingbirds

"In many traditional cultures of the western world the hummingbird has powerful religious and spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, for example, the hummingbird is taken to be a symbol of resurrection. This is because each hummer becomes lifeless and seems to die on cold nights, but it comes back to life again when the miraculous sunrise brings warmth.

Hummingbirds teach us fierce independence. They teach us to fight in a way where no one really gets hurt. They teach us simple courage. Andrews says the twittering, vibrating sounds of the hummingbirds bring us an internal masage that restores health and balance.

Hummingbirds also inspire us to protect the environment and to preserve old traditions that are in danger of being lost. When Native American ways were being destroyed by the expanding Euro-American culture, the Ghost-Shirt religion was established to try to bring back the animals and old ways through dancing. The leader of the dance was a hummingbird....

Certainly hummingbird magic is available to all who live in the New World. There is something inside the soul of all of us that wants to soar through sunbeams, then dance midair in a delicate mist, then take a simple bath on a leaf.

There is something in our souls that wants to hover at beautiful moments in our lives, making them freeze in time. There is something in us that wants to fly backwards and savor once more the beautiful past.

Some of us are just hummingbird people."

Maybe I'm a hummingbird person.

If you've read my "bubbles" blog, you know how I feel about bubbles.

Here is a picture I found of a hummingbird with bubbles:



maybe i constantly search for signs.... possibly too much... but it gives me some sense of comfort. I would never have thought, but maybe i'm a "hummingbird person"

blah-blah-bloggy

I need to blah-blah-blog....

But I'm too tired.

I'm covered in blue paint and my back is sore... BUT I feel like I'm getting rid of the artist block... I already sketched out a b-i-g hummingbird on one of my backgrounds.... It's ready to paint tomorrow!

I'm going to make myself do one more... just one more, silhouette... then I will be free as a bird! (okay... it's too late at night for me to be typing and posting stuff online....)

This is what I worked on tonight:



Goodnight!

I'll write more later.

silhouette x4 = creative flow?

This is my 25 week (now 26 wk) belly that keeps getting in the way of serious arts and crafty-ness:



My second day of 4 hours of painting... and guess what?!?! I got blocked!

YUP! Creative constipation... and I was doing so good too... which is when the blockage usually strikes...

When I'm not on a time crunch, I have several methods of de-clogging myself:

1. Sit and stare at my piece for days or weeks at a time.

2. Ask any and everyone I come across what their suggestion would be...

3. Draw patterns.... trace patterns, draw patterns... I'll spend weeks working on tedious intricate patterns that I'll never really use.

4. Paint over what I have and start completely over.


Because I'm on a time crunch... I don't have time for any of the above.

So, I did this instead:

I bought 4 canvases.
I found an image I like.
I decided to paint the silhouette of the image on each canvas in different colors.

I finished one tonight:


I almost gave up on it half way through. But I pushed through... I think 4 of them, in different colors, will look nice hanging together. Plus, I can price them a bit lower... and they're simple. Maybe people will like them... Maybe painting 4 of these will be just the creative deblocker I need to get my flow back. (wow... I'm quite the wordsmith tonight!)

I'm crossing my fingers!

Getting to work

Okay.... Down to the wire... HAVE GOT to get to work!!! Paint paint paint!!!!

My show is August 20th- Sept 23rd at the Magnolia Gallery (inside the Magnolia theater) in Dallas.

I need to stop thinking and judging so much and just start PAINTING!!!

I've decided to paint at LEAST 4 hours a day for the next 6 days.

The only thing is that now 4 hours is more like 8 hours... because I have to take frequent breaks, and stretch and walk around...

My belly is getting bigger! Sometimes I wish it was detachable.... and I could take it off to sleep and paint.... and then put it back on afterwards.

Tonight I worked mainly on backgrounds....









The last two I need to paint something on.... I'm trying to be more free... and less rigid and I want to stop judging what comes out of me naturally... I need to stop.

I may paint a bit more tonight... just a little more. And then 4 hours tomorrow too!

Presence

Last week, I took the week off to be with my friend after her brother was suddenly killed in a motorcycle accident.

It's so so sad when someone so young is taken. It doesn't seem fair.

Just when life seems to go back to "normal" (whatever normal is... I don't know), or starts to seem safe and predictable, something tragic, like this, happens.... a reminder to never take any moment for granted.

It brought back a lot of feelings and memories of Carter's death. But I had to remember not to allow myself to there...

In my blog Change, I talk about how I still don't know what to say... how I felt when Carter died... how I know how important it is to allow change and be present.

This is still very much on my mind. She and her family are in my thoughts and prayers... and I'm sending a whole lot of love to the Brodskys and will continue to.


This quote has stuck out in my head this week:

"Whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." — Max Ehrmann

screw up

My new favorite album to paint to, that I forgot I bought on iTunes in January, and forgot to listen to: Nouvelle Vague
My new favorite not-new-cover song that I'm listening to over and over again tonight: Making Plans for Nigel by Nouvelle Vague


Sometimes I get scared.

I get scared to put a mark down with paint. I get scared to screw it up. I get so scared that I never even try.

I used to start drawing by closing my eyes and scribbling on paper, and then open them and make something out of the scribble. It always turned out well.... I just went with the flow and worked with the scribble instead of fighting against it. I always knew that if something didn't look right, I could keep working with it until it finally took form.

I've lost that attitude. I need to get it back.

I haven't been happy with these 4 new paintings. They're boring me. They look like something I'd see in a hotel or something. I'm getting bored with them before i finish them...

Something has been keeping me from moving forward... I think I'm too scared to screw them up. Also, I'm being timed... I have to have a certain number of paintings done by a certain date.

So, tonight, I decided I would screw up my paintings a bit... and then work with them.

But that's WAY easier said than done....

But I did add a squiggly background on the hawk.... (I just barely added color to the bird in this one... so it's not even close to looking how it will look.)


This is a close-up

step back

Babies R Us is a scary, scary place. I went there today to register... holy moly.

The woman at the front registry desk was real gruff, smelled like a freshly smoked cigarette and used the word "crap" about 4 times, before explaining the process and the store... and then told me and the other pregnant woman "don't get overwhelmed!"

But she was too late... I was overwhelmed before I even stood up.

It's a really cruel trick of nature that the one time and place where I really need a drink, or shot of tequila, is walking into Babies R Us, pregnant.

There is so much baby paraphernalia... and so many accessories and parts of stuff on stuff that it's like going to another planet. ... pure and utter culture shock.... Monkeys or Dinosaurs? Green or Blue? Boppys or Breast Friends.... Jumpers or Bouncers.... YIKES.

I did my best... my sister came and offered moral support... when I got stuck in a rut, unable to decide between the red car or the blue car onesie, she was able to pull me out by reminding me that it really doesn't matter THAT much.

Afterwards we went to the Cheesecake Factory... a well deserved treat. ... followed by a 4 hour nap.

Tonight, I had the treehouse (garage apt) to myself. I try, I really do try to paint with and in front of other people... but I'm not good at it... I think it's a self-confidence thing... or something. I don't mind posting pictures of my work in-progress and on the web... but trying to paint with someone else in the room is hard for me... I can't seem to get into a flow state unless I'm alone. Tonight I was alone, and I flowed until my hips couldn't take it anymore!

I did these guys on the yellow background... I was planning to do a hummingbird... but changed my mind... and they're not flying (I changed my mind again).


Part of the reason why I post pictures of my work in progress, is so I can see them with new eyes. Sometimes, when I'm working on a piece so closely, I lose touch with the piece itself... So, the process of taking a photo, editing the photo to make it look more like the piece, posting the picture, writing about the piece and reading the finished post, helps me to step back and see the piece from a distance... sometimes it helps me immediately identify what is bugging me about the piece...

like this one:

The bird is looking a little better... but his mouth needs some work still... also, I changed part of the pattern to blue... The blue is too light of a light blue... it needs something a little darker.

making some progress.

I did swim.... and I did manage to get enough motivation together to paint.

I've been a pretty timid painter this time. Maybe because I'm on a time crunch... but I'm having a difficult time actually putting paint down and lines down. I think I've developed some sort of fear of drawing. I used to draw all of the time, now, I get anxious when I'm about to draw. I need to work on that. I've gotta draw more often.

I filled in the bird on green... and then outlined him.



Then, I colored turquoise behind this hawk sketch. The color looks strange because of the lighting.... but it's really one solid turquoise color. I started to stencil pattern behind him, and then stopped. I'm not sure how much stenciling I'll be doing this time around.



Oh.... and This is one of my favorite things:

What's cuter than a panda sneezing?!? really?!?

I think I can.

I will paint today. I will, I will.

I haven't painted in a few days... part of me has a laid back "it will get done" attitude, and the other part of me is freaking out, pulling my hair out and wants to scream at the laid back part of me...

I have a big... and I mean B-I-G next two months: Show and Move.

I'm already starting to over-think and trying to get too crafty with the paintings I'm doing. I need to get them out first and think second.

I'm going to paint... but first, I think I might swim... it IS 110 degrees today.

Getting Warmer

One big difference in how I blogged before, and how I'm going to blog from now on: I'm not going to blog EVERY day. I'd ideally like to blog 4-5 days a week... but not 7. I'm glad to be out of the vicious cycle of blogger's guilt!

This holiday weekend was fun.. but HOT!!! It is too hot in Texas. Triple digits = ridiculous! I need to find a pool and park my butt in it for the the next two months.

I've been sitting outside on my computer... a cockroach just flew up and landed on my head... I threw it off... I'm proud of myself that I didn't freak out.. run downstairs and start pouring bleach on myself ... or something like that... maybe being around so many bugs last summer was good for me after all...

I did work on my paintings this weekend:

This painting was a STRUGGLE. I fought the wood and the wood fought the paint... finally I painted a very thick layer of Acrylic medium over it... I hope that will make things a lot easier.



I like this painting of a Bohemian Waxwing... but something is bugging me... I think the painting is too gray. I would like to add some texture and pattern around him... but right now I'm unsure about what colors to use. I need to add a little more yellow and red on him... I really like these birds and their coloring, so I may be painting a few of them. He's far from done...


This next piece is a generic "bird"

I gessoed parts of the bird ... but so far this wood has also been a bit difficult to work on... even though it was primered. More Acrylic Matte Medium!



I like the pattern down one side... but I'm not sure I'm liking the background color... not yet.

I've also painted another board YELLOW! and of course I LAYERED the Acrylic Matte Medium over the yellow immediately! I want to paint a HUGE hummingbird on it.

It's been a while since I've painted.... so the flow has yet to come... but hopefully if I keep plugging away at it, it'll happen when I'm least expecting it!

I was having trouble applying paint on the wood.. even after I primed the boards... I couldn't get a clear line and it was just a struggle getting the paint where i wanted it. I used the matte medium over the first bird... it dries clear... but i plan to paint on top of it.

From now on, I'm going to paint an under coat of the matte medium.... but i know you can mix it with paint, and paint over and under. it gives a much smoother surface than gesso.

One Lesson learned: Acrylic Matte Medium is my FRIEND! a much better friend than Gesso, fo' sho!

Don't call it a comeback!

I'm baaack!

The last several months I've been working on life-stuff, rather than art-stuff...

I started this blog so everyone would know where I was... and what I was doing. But, after a certain point, I decided that I don't always want everyone to know everything. My private life has to stay private... So, now I'm back. And we'll see what happens now...

I'm in Austin, and at the end of August, I'm having my first SOLO show in Dallas at the Magnolia Gallery. I have some older pieces that I may put in the show, but I REALLY want to get some new paintings done and up. I've decided to paint birds in flight... (maybe because I've been moving so much... hmmm?? or things are changing so fast??)

I went to Home Depot and bought 6 2ftx2ft pieces of wood, and I set up a studio in the corner of the room (and I've already turned it into a mess).



I thought getting to work would be much easier... but I'm in my 6th month of pregnancy and it's getting harder and harder to move around like I'm used to. Sitting on the floor is something I can only do in small increments... and overall, I'm just not as graceful as I used to be... not that I was really "graceful" before... but now I'm really clumsy and awkward... and make a lot of grunting noises when I move.. and my hips hurt and back hurts... and .... okay.... I'll stop now.

I've had to use much more Gesso on these boards than I have in the past. My idea is to do one bird on each... so far, this is what I've got:





Not much to look at... just the background colors and a couple of sketches. But at least I'm back and working again... I haven't got into my flow yet... but I feel it coming!

Here's something else that is really cool!

A cicada, coming out of its shell on our porch! I've seen a lot of cicadas (the plague in NC last summer), but never watched one hatch...