remember: i love YOU.

Exactly one year ago:

Carter left his last online comment to me..

it read:


Aug 30, 2007 3:16 AM
"remember: i love YOU."


I wanna say more... i couldn't sleep.. but i'm exhausted.... I will write more... tomorrow...


I've been thinking about those words for almost a year now... trying to figure out if they were somesort of code, or clue.... or just coincidence... I do remember he loved me.... i love him.

remember....


RICORDO

should not type after midnight

Should is a word that cognative therapists have said not to use... because "should brings shame"

also, according to my :"now habit" book on CD, it brings depression (or is it anxiety???)

Well, anyways....


I should be blogging... I should have blogged earlier... but I'm tired... so tired I can't sleep...

I did a TON of driving today...


i'm cross-eyed looking at the laptop screen....


This next week may be hard for me to write.... and function as a human being.... maybe the anticipation is worse than the actual date.... probably...

in my mind there are two dates that scare me: sept 2nd and the 3rd.... to me, he died on the 2nd.... i didn't sleep that night.... or for months after... but I know for everyone else it's the 3rd......... moon and beyond, now please.....


I'm actually alright... like i said, i think i'm building up the date to be something horrible... it's like i'm preparing for the same thing to happen again.... but i know it won;t.... but my brain and body are preparing, just in case.

Surrendering Expectations: TMI

another 12 hours in Big D...... Honestly, I was planning to stay longer...

I don't feel great... I've been really sluggish, emotional, and pessimistic lately, (i guess it's good that i recognize it)... it could be a combination of things: the one year mark of C's death is next week, I'm back in Texas, it's really hot and I feel so scattered (because I am... I have no "home" no "home base"). I really did plan on staying in Dallas longer than 12 hours, but my thoughts and memories overpowered me and I had to leave..

I got everything in my car, including my dog, and seriously considered driving north.... I have no idea where... but just north... somewhere not as FREAKIN' hot... but I didn't. I drove to Austin (Lockhart - but pretty much the same thing). Dylan and i made a drive thru Starbucks run.... the woman at the window loved him, and gave him a cup of whipped cream... now, Dylan is as addicted to Starbucks' drive-thru as I am.

It's good to be with my friends, with C's friends... I just wish there was a way to put all of the "good" in one place that doesn't trigger the "bad" memories and feelings...

i feel like I've let so many people in Dallas down... I'm not there... I've removed myself from the scene, which has also kept me away from seeing friends, who I want to see...

I'm learning that I can't make everyone like me (and even C) by being nice.... I'm spread too thin... I do that to myself.

People have asked what I'm doing for the one year anniversary (I HATE calling it an "anniversary"... that's why I usually say "mark")... I have NO idea what I'll do... I don't wanna be anywhere.... i just have to get away... but, even the moon isn't far enough away. I don't want to be at a concert or get together.... but I don't wanna be alone either... I won't .... but, if I want to stay in bed all week, so be it! But, I want to know there are people close enough for me to talk to, if I need to....

Is that selfish? maybe.... or self-protecting? or just brutally honest.... i don't know...

Right after C died, someone (anonymous) wrote on my myspace: "when will you stop exploiting him." That hurt... it hurt so bad that I just recently told people about it... because I didn't know who it was from, so everyone became a suspect... all of a sudden EVERYONE (in my mind) thought I was exploiting him... Whoever wrote that, got what they wanted... I felt horrible...
but now, I'm not scared to write how I feel.... sometimes I write about C.... sometimes I don't... but now i realize that was just one person, with a lot of anger... and I know I'm not, or would ever, exploit anyone...(although, this may be self-exploitation in ways....)

I've learned so much from being away, and in NC.... now, I don't even flinch, or jump when I see a roach, and I'll still squish it... but I've seen so many bugs... HUGE bugs... spiders the size of my dog's paw! My NC roomie told me about new spiders there.... I said, "well obviously you don't ever want me to come visit." He answered, "Just kidding, there are only hummingbirds and bunnies."

That's kinda how life is: We want it to be all hummingbirds and bunnies... but if it weren't for the snakes an spiders, we'd never even notice them....

i'm scared: scared to go back to where I was almost a year ago... scared of the loss, and the shock, the pain....

Today DM and I went to go see Vicky Christina Barcelona... (which I loved.... Penelope Cruz is Hi-LAR-I-OUS... and I like her sooo much more now)... but before the movie, we went to Whole Life bookstore... I bought a book with daily affirmations and I turned to one earlier that really spoke to me:

"I can't see who you are until I surrender my expectations of you"

i think that's true about a lot of things: my friends, the one year mark of C's death, Dallas (or anywhere else), my family... my past, my future... the moment...

I have to surrender my expectations and live in the moment (and it doesn't take 10 hrs of Tolle on CD to teach me to live in the NOW).....

okay... i feel like I'm rambling... too much... probably not making much sense... this is more stream of consciousness typing and release... whew.... (even though I'll want to, I won't delete any of this later...)

I apologize in advance for TMI (text lingo for "too much information")



.

Snakes on a plane... (not the movie; the aggravation)

Not really snakes... more like "freaks on a plane," but that sounds mean... so I'm just gonna say, "annoyance on a plane..." ... well... whatever.... I'll get to that part of my story later...

So, yesterday, I'm driving to Starbucks in my rented yellow VW bug... and I'm searching through my purse... and then I felt something, flat and plastic... something that I hadn't felt before in my purse... So, I pulled it out.... and what was it? A CA (cocaine anonymous) 60 days of sobriety keychain!!!!

My head said: WHAT?!? NO WAY?!?

My eyes said: WAY!

Where did it come from? I have NO idea. and NO, it's not mine!

I knew someone put it in my purse (the purse I bought just before NC and the only one I've used since then...). So, I called the "usual suspects"; the people most likely to have pulled a prank like that... They all laughed so hard; I knew it couldn't have been them... I have no clue where it's from... but still, it's really funny.

So now I have a 60-days of sobriety from cocaine keychain... I'm not using it.. but I am keeping it!

After finding that little "present" I said goodbye to Cas, Andrew and Gwen and left for the airport...

I made my flight.... on time. When I was boarding, the airline employee at the gate scanned my ticket and asked, "Just you?"
"Just me," I responded and then thought about it: just me? wow, I've never been asked that while boarding before... It made me feel really lonely all of a sudden...

I felt a little less lonely when I noticed that the airplane didn't have a 13th row... and then started to wonder if all airplanes had row numbers 12 and 14, but no 13.... hmmm?

But then I sat down in my seat... and remembered the "Just you?" question....

Usually, I buy interesting, (or trashy) magazines for the plane... that's the only time that I buy magazines... I never talk to my seatmates..... and I try to make it obvious my looking more engrossed in the magazine than I really am....

But after the "Just you?" ... I decided I'd try, and would actually talk a little bit to whoever sat next to me... Then he sat next to me.... a young, post-teen, asian american, with a mohawk and acne.... I made the normal chit chat you normally do on the plane: "Are you from Dallas?" ... he was... and we had a conversation for a few minutes, and then I took out my Psychology Today magazine, with confidence that he'd take the hint.....

MISTAKE! He wouldn't stop talking to me. On the flight from Orlando to Dallas, he talked the entire time... would ask me what I was reading, making comments about what I was reading over my shoulder... I wanted to say, "Don't you have an iPod or something to listen to???" but I didn't... instead I gave him my other magazine and said, "Why don't you read this?" But it was more of a command than a question.

He said he didn't like to read... just pictures.... UGH! I was starting to really want a cigarette... and for him to be quiet...

Then he got a headache... which he told me about countless times... At this point, I was obviously annoyed when he'd interrupt .. but he didn't get the hint... at all. I pretended to sleep.... but he kept talking... I had the magazine blocking his view from my face.... still talking....

Finally, 20 mins before the flight landed, all of a sudden he got quiet, and asked: "So, like, can I get your number?"

SERIOUSLY!?!??!?!

Without hesitation... AT ALL, I snapped: "NO!"

Finally, he shut-up (yay!) and was quiet for the rest of the time... he didn't try to talk to me again... not even once!

Usually I'd feel bad.... and honestly, if he'd asked me earlier in the flight, I'd probably have been nice and given him my Myspace... or a fake number... but, at that point.... I was about to smack him... so, I don't feel bad. Really... I don't; NOT AT ALL!

Will I ever try to talk to someone on the plane again? Probably not... I really look forward to my magazine indulgence.

Yet, another reason I prefer to drive!

Rycolesky

This is a picture of upside-down-dog Dylan, Sara sent me... she's watching him while I'm here... and it looks like he's having a relaxing time... and has made himself at home! (thank you Sara!)


Sunday I met Cas and Nic, and some of Cas's new friends out for brunch at a place called HUE in downtown Orlando. The neighborhood has got a lot of character... The streets are cobblestone (or brick) and narrow, and there are plenty of nice restaurants and cool little boutiques.

The food at HUE was awesome... the crepes were ridiculously good... and so were their crab cakes. We had mimosas and they caught me up on all of their adventures the night before.

After HUE we went down to another place called Wildside, and hungout.... It really had the feel of Uptown Dallas meets Miami. We stayed there for a while.. honestly, I guess I was a bit overwhelmed with all of the new people, and I've noticed that recently I've been starting to cry again more often and at the most awkward moments... I think it's almost been one year... and will be in just a week... So, when the group said they were going to a bar down the street, I told Cas and Nic that I was gonna go back to the house... and then burst into tears.

They told me to stay and the three of us got a chance to talk and be together while the rest of the group went on. As soon as it was just us, I felt better... like, I could talk and be myself with people who know me, and laugh and have fun. I just wish it didn't take spontaneous crying for that to happen...

After that, we had a great, fun evening and night... a lot of girl-talk and also deeper conversations. We played the trivia and word games on the machine at a little place near Cas's called Miller's... Cas totally shocked us and blew us away with her insanely accurate knowledge of useless and obscure trivia! SERIOUSLY! The hardest, most impossible questions and she would yell out the right answer.... we got lots of top scores, and entered our winner name as "Rycolesky."

The bug made an appearance again... and of course, we took pics.... Andrew was so stoked when he saw it... so I took him for a ride... I told you, kids LOVE VW Beetles and LOVE the yellow....


Today, Cas's friend Gwen came back from Tampa with her adorable baby girl... and Andrew came home from school... That makes 6 of us total.

Cas made her famous eggrolls for dinner tonight... which were so freakin' good! Seriously amazing! They took a while and a lot of preparation, but I'm glad Nicole insisted she make them... Cas complained about the time and how complicated it was, but still liked cooking them...she's so funny, we joked about her having her own "Debby Downer" cooking show.... "This recipe is so much work.... and sucks to make.. so first, you take the garlic..."

Wow, I've talked about food a lot in this blog.... hmmm?

Nicole leaves EARLY tomorrow... :( and then I leave tomorrow evening... I'm gonna miss them! So, we'll have to plan another girls trip soon....


actually, my sister has an artist residency in Maine, and we're going to make the road trip together... So, hopefully we can stop in NYC and see Nicole!

Slug Bug!

Driving in the slug bug.... I was in sunny blue cloud skies.... and driving into this.... A little scary... remnants of Fay?... probably...




Despite the "missed" flight and the non-stop fear-inducing news reports of tropical storm Fay, I made every flight (well... besides the first).... every connection, and all of the planes were on time... if not early.

Cas & andrew picked me up, and we went to her condo... which is really nice, cute and big. I took a nap. When I woke up Nicole had arrived from NY... I haven't seen her since I went up there after C died last year.
This pic was taken before C died... and before the three of us had become good friends... an oldie but a goodie!

It's so good to see them both again! Nicole was there for me and a big part of my healing last year.... and Cas has been a huge part of my healing (and learning to laugh again) this summer....

Nicole crashed out early and Cas and I stayed up late, and took more ridiculous pictures, talked and danced on her balcony.... I'm sure, to the amusement of her neighbors.

We set the alarm so I could wake up and rent a car to drive and see the Floridians in my family.... but after staying up late, all I remember is Cas saying (in her you'd-better-cuz-i'm-not-a-morning-person-and-i-will-hurt-you voice), "Turn the alarm off" ... So.... I did. An hour or two later, Nicole woke up and asked, "Ryann, don't you have to go somewhere?" I was groggy.... mumbled "no" and then asked her why would I have to go somewhere.... "to see your family?"

CRAP! I jumped out of bed and got ready in record time... Then Cas took me to the airport to rent a car. When I got to Avis, the woman asked if I'd like the PT Cruiser or a VW Bug.... I've rented a PT Cruiser before, and wasn't impressed... so I said Bug...
I had been joking about renting a yellow mustang... Well, the Beetle they had was yellow... YELLOW... BRIGHT YELLOW.

Driving in the city children dream about, in a YELLOW Bug was an experience... I could feel the stares of awe from children with their noses pressed against the windows of other, more conservative, cars...

I decided I'm not a yellow car or VW Beetle driver... too flashy... and cartoony... and, well... just not "me".... But it was fun... I can say I rented one (on my list with a PT Cruiser)..

The drive to my uncle Eric and his partner Chip's condo is 2 hours... I was supposed to be a surprise for my Grandpa and his wife Dot.... but he guessed that I was the surprise guest (he must be psychic.... or the info was leaked to him.....).

We got a chance to visit and then went out for a late lunch/dinner... I really enjoyed spending time with them. Eric and Chip were so good for me to talk to.... they know grief... they've lost dear friends to AIDS... I remember Eric sending me a letter 6 months ago, and he wrote "wear your grief like your old favorite shirt, but let Carter know you love him by living life unbowed." That has stuck with me and helped me... a lot.

I wish I lived closer... they are such neat people... so positive and loving... and I want to spend time and grow closer to them...

I drove back to Orlando tonight. I'm tired... but can't sleep... Cas and Nic are out... I just didn't feel up to it. I'm not trying to be aloof at all... but I know they know I'm not... and I love them!

Grounded! (and not because of Fay)

SOOOOOO:
This morning I woke up EARLY! My flight to Orlando was at 7:45 on AirTran... even with Tropical Storm Fay... my flight said it was on time. So, I left the Albrecht's at 6:30... everything was great... traffic was moving and grooving...

.. and then, the over night work crew on 635 hadn't opened the two lanes they blocked off... the flashing road work sign said the lanes would be closed until 6 am... LIARS! It was bumper to bumper... for a WHILE. Then I kept calling Air Tran to find out which terminal Air Tran is in... but they would only tell me the flight time, and number, and that it was on time... and when I tried to speak to an agent... the automated voice said, "We are experiencing technical difficulties. Goodbye."

UGH! I could NOT get a real person or even a fake one to tell me which terminal... So I had to drive through all of them... starting at A... AirTran (if anyone is interested) is E.... so I zig-zagged through terminals A, B, C, D before I finally got to E.

By then I knew I was cutting it close... but I still had 30 mins as I parked and ran towards the check-in counter... only to realize I had left my cell phone in the car... so I had to run back and get it. Then I hauled ass over to the check-in counter, no one was in line (probably because of the storm in Fla).. but they still made me check in at the machine first.... which told me to go to the counter (still no line), but the agent was having an obviously important (that is sarcastic) conversation with the other agent, even though I was obviously freaking out... I was all sweaty and out of breath from running... then I hear "Final call for flight 111 to Orlando".... I RUDELY interrupted and said, "that's my flight!" The woman at the ticket counter said, "well, you missed it." I coulda run... I woulda run... and made it... my fate of making or missing my flight was all in the hands of this one woman... and in an annoyed voice, she said again, "No. You missed it."

This was at 7:30.... My flight was at 7:42. That was close... but too close to make it!??! I got NO slack and I missed my flight. Seriously?????

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHG!!!!!@!@!RE##T#%#@%@!@#$%*()

So, now I'm on standby... freezing my butt-off (the AC has gotta be set at 60 degrees or lower), waiting for a 9:45 flight to Atlanta and then from Atlanta to Orlando... If everything goes well I should be there by 2:45pm. But the news keeps talking about tropical storm Fay.... how bad it is.... but the other flight was on time... who knows....

... i still can't believe I missed my flight...

I hate flying... not because of planes... but because of all of the people you have to deal with and airlines.. and airports... I'd much rather drive. seriously...

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

Dylan with a dinosaur...

Yesterday, I was interviewed for a episode on the Veria network (veria.com), for their series, "The Art of Living Gallery" show... I had so much to do to prepare. I had to pick up some of my prints from The Gypsy Wagon, and get ready (I was told not to wear patterns... and "jewel tones" work best on camera), and go by my storage unit... drop off Dylan, go down to the Bowmans' studio and get all of my work (new and old) out to display...

It's hard having my stuff spread out... some in storage, some at friends houses, some at studios, most in my car... I would like one place where I can keep everything... hopefully that's what Lockhart will be for me this fall...

The crew who interviewed and filmed me were very nice. I was feeling like I was scattered and spread way too thin... I made and had to break plans with so many people while I was in Dallas... Really, if it weren't for this show that I had committed to, I wouldn't have gone back to Dallas at all before Orlando. I wish I was more in a "zen" state of mind... I crammed in some self-help CD and listened to how to be present and live in the moment, while I ran around town like a headless chicken.... At least it was a good attempt to get my head in the right place.

I felt like I rambled and rambled.. I hope I said somethings that sounded intelligent... I need to stop thinking about what I "coulda woulda shoulda" said... it's done with... it's up to them to make me sound okay.

I also haven't talked about the night that Carter died in what seems like a long time... maybe it hasn't been that long... but it felt like it... after everything, I was physically and emotionally exhausted.... I had to take a long nap.... and I had to break more plans.

I'm sorry to everyone who I made plans with and had to cancel. I really spread myself so thin in Dallas this time. But I'll be back next week... and after that I'll be in Lockhart, and back and forth to Dallas...

lost it, found it

I drove into Dallas last night... It's been raining here.... I'm glad. I was not looking forward to coming home to the heat... and so far, it hasn't been hot at all.... humid and rainy... but I can totally do that!

I had a lot to do today... i'm about to leave for Orlando early Friday morning... and tomorrow I have the shoot for "The Art of Living Gallery" show on the Veria network. I had to figure out where they could film... Since I don't have a home and I'm living out of my car and storage unit, it makes finding a spot to film trickier.

My friends, the Bowmans, have a studio (Bowman Glass) in Dallas... I called them and well do it there. But they want to film my work and me talking about it... My originals before NC, have all sold, which is awesome, but now I have to find stuff for the show!
They also want to film me working on a piece... I may use one of my encaustics... like the owl... I'll go buy a griddle tomorrow morning... or maybe I should work on finishing the "Fitting In" piece (which is the lady with antlers)... But that piece is collage.. and I'm not sure how cool that would look, just cutting and pasting... I think encaustic will be better... or acrylic.

And I need to go to storage and dig up some of the bird drawings I did last year... and the first thing I did after Carter died... I didn't think about it at all... it just came out of me...

I know they're somewhere in storage...

I had so much on my mind.... and felt stressed and overwhelmed.... I started losing stuff... I lost my phone for several hours, the key to Sara's house, my keys (well, I lose those daily)... I just kept mis-placing EVERYTHING! And that was stressing me out even more.

I went to JoAnne's Fabric and Craft supply store... I bought a quilting iron with attachments (for encaustics)....

I really just wanted to rest all day... or maybe it was escaping.... not sure.



Dylan and I drove up to Plano, to visit and stay at Carter's parents. It is so good to see them... Dylan thought so too. As soon as we pulled up to their house, he was crying to get out of the car and say hi.

I'm sure tomorrow's TV thing will be fine... I just don't want to look like an idiot. :0)

This two member pack is finally back together:


Oh! My mysterious friend, "A" sent me the funniest youtube video today... I forwarded out through email... but it was so funny I thought I'd post it on here: (Thanks A!)... seriously.... I think I peed a little:

From Salamander to Hummingbird...

This is the third day in a row I've seen a hummingbird... and it's flown right up to me and then it flew off... quickly.

Maybe my totem animal is now the hummingbird instead of the salamander... can it change like that... (does it really matter?)

But, I googled hummingbirds as totem animals and found:

"When it becomes our totem, the hummingbird teaches us to laugh and enjoy the creation, to appreciate the magic of being alive, and the truth of beauty."

I like it... I've also decided I want as many totem animals as possible...

I went to Michael's today to look for: a craft bag, with an organizer... for all of my stuff (because I feel so scattered)... I didn't find one I liked... I think I'll check again in Dallas.

I actually did a lot of shopping today... with little luck.

For continuing to do encaustic painting, I wanted to by a quilting iron (couldn't find a fabric store in Midland), a griddle (I got too lazy to look for one), rubber stamps for collaging (damn! Those things are EXPENSIVE!!! like $15 for one... I think I'll wait until someone wants to get rid of their rubber stamp collection....)... I think at that point, I was overwhelmed and done with Michaels... so i went to good old Barnes & Nobles.... I looked at lots of books... But didn't find the one I wanted to buy....

It's a book by Nick Bantock, called "Urgent 2nd Class: creating curious collage, dubious documents, and other art from ephemera" It's the same guy who wrote the "Griffin and Sabine" books... Jayme N. introduced me to the books by giving them to me for my b-day last year... (thanks JN! I love them! and you!).

I would order it online... but don't know where to send it. I leave Midland tomorrow....for Dallas.... I'm stressed... overwhelmed... a lot on my mind...

But... I think I'm driving up to Maine with Kel mid-sept... and going on a photo/art road trip in october!!!

what a long strange trip it's been....

Life Is A Highway...

Yes... as I typed, "Life is a highway" I was singing along with it in my head.... But as soon as I took a picture of this billboard on I20, that song was in my head... It's catchy.... It's still a guilty pleasure of mine...

Another night that I'm up too late... I've been on a decent (DECENT) schedule the last 4 months, but since I've been here, I've been staying up WAY too late... why? I have no clue... nerves? I really don't know.

I've gotta be back in Dallas to film the Viera show on Thursday.... The show is called the "Art of Living Gallery" and they want to film me talking about healing through art.... I get nervous, VERY nervous, talking on camera... and in front of an audience.... I've been told that I hide it well... and I'm glad... but I'd really rather not be nervous at all. I'm hoping it'll be good... everyone at the network has been so kind and considerate...

They want to film me painting... so, I need to have Weds to set up... which means I need to leave Midland by Tuesday... And I'll be in Orlando on Friday! Very busy schedule... like I said ... I need a phone clone!

Today was a good day... no debates... no politics... no talk of religion... no fights... I saw a hummingbird today... I saw one (probably the same one) yesterday too... NOW I'm convinced the reason I never saw hummingbirds is I've always mistaken them for big bugs...

A family friend in Midland is opening up a gym for kids, it's a really neat and different concept of kids' gyms, and she named it Kidnazium., So today we all went and helped paint and unwrap the coolest kid stuff! I painted the front door and trim... it took ALL afternoon and evening... and it's still not done! It's "done" as in painted, but three times now, we've painted one color just to look at is and say, "no, that doesn't work... but (whatever color) instead might work" ... key word being: "might". :) I'm actually glad it took so long, because I had fun visiting with and helping out Tracy tonight... I'm really excited for her!

Dylan is softly snoring in his dog bed next to mine... this guest room has a pic above the bed that reminds me (for some reason) of Brokeback Mountain, but my parents don't agree..... what do you think?

what's normal anyways?

Dallas skyline in my rearview (or sideview... whatever) mirror...

I only spent 12 hours in Dallas... but I'm glad I got at least a little time there. I went by my storage unit today, and unloaded a lot of stuff out of my car: My encaustic painting supplies... my glass stuff... a huge box of stuff (not really sure what's in there... clothes? books? no clue) and a lot of the little things that I brought with me or have collected the last 4 months.... I have SOOO much art stuff... not just paints but papers and objects that I plan to use... or I at least want to have around as an option to use... But I don't have a studio... I only have a storage space... how can I make this work and not feel cluttered and/or scattered? I don't know... It'll come together and I'll figure it out... I always do... (almost always). I left storage with a much lighter car....

...and then, I set off to drive to Midland, to see my family and doggies!

The drive was more beautiful than I remembered... I like the flat openness and incredibly huge sky... I don't think I've ever appreciated that drive like I did today.

I'm here now... Kelly has a new puppy, cutie! My Dylan was so excited to see me... he was acting like a puppy (he wore himself out showing off)... it'll be nice to have him with me... we've been through so much together the last 9 years... I've missed him a ton too. Here's DYLAN:

Jake was also excited to see me.... he ran around and got pets and then ran to his dog bed to go to sleep... He LOVES it here... where Dylan is glued to me like velcro.... making sure I won't leave him again. ... Here's Jake lookin' good!:


I love my parents so much... and I KNOW they love me so much... I'm so blessed to have them as my parents.... with so much love it's still hard to go home... I know this is a common problem, or there wouldn't be so many books on it... (but yet my sister doesn't have any trouble, why?) When I'm elsewhere I feel like I belong, and I'm an adult, and I'm strong and a survivor.... but for some reason, when I get around my parents, I find myself trying to prove that I'm an adult, that I deserve respect, that I have ideas worth hearing... Which I know is mostly me projecting... But I don't know what triggers it... or how not to, or if it's gotten worse in the last year... it seems like it has... if so why? questions questions... So, of course there was a misunderstanding... and after a long deep talk... and everything's great now... but I wanna find a way to communicate better... WE want to find a way to communicate easier... Why do I always end up debating with my dad late at night? So, we've made a deal: no talk of politics or religion.... and then we laughed, "what do we talk about then?"

I'm tired... but up late (again)... I've been thinking about new encaustic paintings to do... I thought about taking some old children's books that my parents used to read to me and photocopying them to collage... My mom found some trophies of mine from when I was little... one for volleyball, one for swimming, one for track and one for a ceramics painting thing in 89 (I didn't remember that one at all! so funny)... hmmm... what could i do with those? sculpture? that might be creepy... maybe I could save them for a white elephant party! Ha! Or give them out as gifts: happy birthday! here's my trophy for swim team in 1990. ... or I could stick to customizing dinosaur coloring books...

speaking of.... I think I've been officially converted to a dinosaur lover... I saw this on the side of I20 on the way to Midland, and I HAD to pull over and take pics... yup... dino-fan....

12 hrs in big D

(ladies room ad in Memphis)


I had a wonderful time in Memphis! Dave and Paul performed at TN Comedy... it was a Thursday night (ladies night!) and a small crowd... but considering the size of the crowd, I think they got a good response... but I'm not a comedian, and shouldn't say anything... but i thought their sets were hilarious... so, THERE!

Afterwards I went out with Paul, and a couple (both locals and both comedians).... I had a really great time... One thing I didn't realize about Memphis was how segregated it is... The bar we went to, is in the same building as another bar... the entrance doors have only a few feet or less between them.... the bar we were in, was the "hipster" (forgive me if that's the wrong term, I'm sooo not down with the lingo, and only pretend to be cool... most of the time), the bar next door would have been categorized by tobacco companies as a "menthol" account. But it was also a tranny bar.... I went to check it out with the girl I was hanging out with... i was shocked... i couldn't believe these two venues were both full... and completely different worlds! I'm not sure if I've seen anything like that before.

This morning before I left Memphis, I talked to DL for a while.... I was so nervous about returning to TX... nauseous, even... but I was grouping every hurtful memory in one lump sum, rather than just looking at each event separately... which wouldn't have been bad at all if the circumstances were different... So, I was able to re-center myself (as much as possible) and drive to Dallas....

This pic is from the same ladies room... it also sums up what my motivational book on CD has taught me NOT to say to myself:

I wasn't sure if I was going to stay the night or not... I kinda just planned on breezing through and dropping stuff off at my storage unit... but I got caught in traffic on 40... in Memphis... bad traffic... 4-miles-in-2-hours bad. I also didn't want to make a big deal of my visit... because it's not a visit... it's a layover... there are so many people I want to see... and I didn't even get a chance to let some of the most important people, on my "want to see" list, know... I just need more time... or a clone... so I can be two places at once... or, better yet... a clone of me, who LIKES to talk on the phone... yes... I need a phone-clone.

So, I called last minute and stayed last minute here in Dallas.... I got in LATE.... I'll leave early for Midland... I got to see the Slack play at Barley... At first I was overwhelmed, and it felt noisy and crowded like Vegas (I've been in the mountains for 4 months...)... but I was so glad to see my dear friends. I missed them... a lot... I've cried a lot the last few days... but these were good tears...

I really was touched by the love and support I received tonight... I really am so blessed to have those wonderful friends... thank you (you know who you are)....

I cried some more and laughed some more... I felt love instead of judgement... the majority of the "judgement" has been ryann-on-ryann crime. Not anymore... at least I'll try my best...

love.
r

Heart Menders and late night Brick Busters

This is the first painting of a hummingbird I did last November... It's called "Heart Mender" (keep reading... I explain).

So, I lied... well... not really... I just changed my mind.

I started thinking about all of the driving I had ahead of me, and instead of waiting a day, I decided to leave for Nasheville after my roommate got home from work. I thought it would be better to break up the drive with two nights in Tenn before heading to Midland...

I packed up my car, R(H)onda... all of my stuff (incredible that it all fits in there!) and took off for Nashville...

Actually... it wasn't THAT easy... Saying goodbye to people, Penland, even the state where I experienced so much healing this summer was HARD... I bawled after saying goodbye to Mike, Jake, LCW, Penland.... even Spruce Pine and good ol' 19e... I was annoyingly sentimental and emotional... It's not like I don't plan to come back...

Why is it that every time I leave NC, I feel like I won't be coming back for a long time? It's not like I can't drive there... or fly...or have a place to stay...

M found a dead hummingbird over a year ago... I've heard from a Shaman I met, that Hummingbird wings are to mend the heart... M gave me the wings... It is so special to me to have "heart menders" given to me by someone who has been one of the essential people in helping my heart mend this summer, while leaving a place and other people that also helped my healing in such a significant way... I'm sure there are more places, experiences and people who will help mend it even more... but after spending 3, almost, 4, months in NC... I couldn't have asked for a more symbolic token of the healing that has taken place. Special... very special... and I cried for the next several hours as I drove into Tenn.

I arrived in Nashville late... but not too late to order a cheeseburger at PM (the sushi place). It was awesome... and amazing... but this time, not surprisingly awesome and amazing... but it was still as FABULOUS as I'd remembered.

I'm going to visit with W over a cup of coffee tomorrow (not too early) and then head to Memphis...

I should be asleep now... I'm REALLY tired.... BUT I was trying to figure out my new phone... and stumbled across a game... it's called brick buster or something... it's REALLY stupid... but also addictive. I don't think the game is as addictive as trying to beat my previous score... hopefully I'll never play it again. But I might... I kinda wanna beat that score... too bad they don't have Boggle on my phone... or maybe that's a good thing.

Creature Comforts

This is a sign I've been driving by everyday on the most dangerous gravel road... that road is a head-on collision just waiting to happen...

So.... I didn't leave today... I felt better, but my tummy's still a little sensitive... I plan to leave tomorrow. Mike told me it was okay if I stayed longer... because (in his words), "I really li-... don't mind hanging out with you."
Ha! I teased him that he almost said that he liked hanging out with me.

We went to go eat last night in Little Switzerland... YUM! I haven't been out to eat at Penland or in the area before. On the way back, the sky was the most amazing fuchsia color.

Today, I went out side and saw another snake... this snake was alive... and on a tree brach by my head.

And then a hummingbird buzzed by and looked at me, then took off.... I thought the buzzing was a bug and ducked at first... it was really cute. I wonder how may times I've thought a big bug was buzzing me, when it was really a hummingbird.

There have been so many creatures this summer.... I survived the 17-year cicada craziness; I've seen the most beautiful moths; I've accidentally hit two luna moths with my car; I've seen plenty of suicidal deer run in the road; There have been wild turkeys, huge spiders, an endangered bog turtle and salamanders that were so pretty, they looked fake; I saw a mouse that made me scream... and then he turned to look at me with his little mouse eyes and I immediately stopped screaming and started cooing; I've seen an owl do a funky dance; red tail hawks; two skunks taking a stroll, five raccoons huddled in a tree, one raccoon who looked like he was about to open the front door for me... gosh... so many more... I also met a real witch, took pictures of the moon and it looked like hearts... I've made great friends... two (cas, and mike) I know will be life-long.... I saw Dallas peeps at the Orange Peel... not to mention all of the arts and crafts I've done, and learned. I never saw a bear (but there have been bear sightings) or an alligator... I'm kinda glad.

It's nice and cool here... I got here when it was cool in spring and survived the heat of the summer... now it's August and getting cool again... I love it.

So, tomorrow, I'm gonna drive to Nashville and see Ward... I've been drooling thinking about that awesome burger at the sushi place... Then to Memphis to see Dave Little and watch his show... then to Dallas (to drop off stuff in storage) then to Midland, to get my doggie and see my family.

Dinosaurs Exposed... and you thought you knew dinosaurs!

Today was my last day at Penland... I saw a big dead snake in the road today and ran over it... my first day at Penland I also saw a snake... these are the only two snakes I've seen... they were both dead... what does that mean? Probably nothing, but the coincidence makes me think about superstitions...

I think I'm gonna work on an encaustic series about superstitions when I get settled back in TX... I've thoroughly enjoyed reading through my Encyclopedia of Superstitions book... I swear, every home should have one! It's hilarious and disturbing at the same time.

One idea from the book I may work with is the superstition that disappearing patterns bring good luck.

A few ideas that I probably won't work with are: if you have a run of bad luck, wearing your underwear backwards will change it... and if a guy wants a girl to fall for him, he's supposed to take and orange and prick it with pins, then sleep with it tightly in his armpit and give it to the girl he's trying to woo the next day... and her affection for him will grow even stronger if she eats it... yeah... I'll leave that one alone.

I woke up this morning with food poisoning or something... ugh. It was AWFUL. This afternoon and now, I feel much much better... I still plan to take off tomorrow and drive to either Nashville or Memphis... or both... just playing it all by ear. Hopefully I'll be feeling %100 better tomorrow.

I didn't get a chance to cold work the glass statue... maybe I can figure out how to do that in Dallas.

I also discovered a new talent of mine! I bought Mike a dinosaur coloring book, because one day he said, "I love dinosaurs" and the way he said it, well, it seemed like he was 10 again. I took the coloring book and added commentary to every page... It basically is dinosaurs narrating my summer and all of the inside jokes since I've been at Penland.... Mike laughed until he cried and loves it... he said I seriously could make money doing that... well, it was really fun. I wish I could do a better job of explaining what I did....

So here are some photos instead:



Dinosaurs didn't have good taste in movies... their Netflix queue was depressing

Dinosaurs had dance Parties

Dinosaurs kpet dead bugs in their freezer


Like I said... inside jokes.... but really funny inside jokes...

Packing up

I've been packing up... I cleaned up the Beech Mountain house and locked it up for the last time... I'm a little sad... and a little nervous about going back to Texas.

I'm excited to see everyone. I've missed my friends and family... and Dylan. But, I'm a bit anxious when I think about going back.... plus I'm not excited about the heat.

I've pretty much packed up my car... (it's like playing tetris with boxes to get everything to fit). I'm staying at LCW and Asheville until Weds or Thurs... I haven't decided.

I need to do some things here.... I'm going to mail one of my encaustics to my old TA Ken, from my Nature Journaling class... he's the one who sent me the photo of us in the July 2nd(th) parade... and used my illustration of the milkweed in the column he writes. He's been so kind and encouraging... he and his wife have offered for me to stay anytime I'm in the Chapel Hill area.


I need to cold work (grind off the rough edges) of the glass statue of the saint that I made... I'd like to cut the hummingbird piece in half with a saw... and the one with the Sacred Heart and St. Francis....


I actually gave that piece to Mike... I didn't realize until I started to scan those images, that they were the prayer cards for his father, who died of cancer a year and a half ago. I was glad I was able to take that imagery and make something with it. That's what I want to do with some of C's stuff for me... As I was making the piece with the prayer cards... I knew it was meant for Mike to have. Plus he's been a great friend and roommate.


I just don't want to go back to Texas and feel stuck... I wanna stay on the road... I seem to have more clarity when I'm open to change.

But North Carolina will always be here... So maybe I'll come back this fall and see the beautiful leaves change.

I've learned a lot about myself... as a person and artist. And I hope to continue to...

I was wondering if I'll still blog when I get back.... I think I will...

The reason why I don't mind posting blogs and being very open, was confusing to me... But I think I know why I do now... Ten years ago I was living in Houston. There was a horrible accident on I45.... an 18-wheeler overturned and a woman was pulled from the vehicle only to watch as her husband and 3 children were killed in the fire. That story haunted me... I cried. I thought about her often. I heard about the trial for the driver on TV, but never heard her speak... or how she was doing. Since Carter's death, I've thought about her even more.... wondering if and how she has survived the unimaginable tragic loss of her whole family... So, maybe I write so people will know how I am living and learning... maybe that's self indulgent... but I don't mean it that way.

i haven't checked my voicemail in over a week... I need to make calls and plans.... ugh. Planning is my least favorite activity!

Busted at the Buffet

This piece is the one that my instructor thought was the strongest after the first weekend... I added the red leaf over the cicada... but accidentally dripped red wax on it... i need to scrape off the red wax, and add something over the Sacred Heart... don't know what yet...

So, after feeling slightly pressured into volunteering, I felt a bit trapped and anxious about it. I don't know why... but I did. So, I called and cancelled. I don't feel too bad about it, because I had only signed up at the last minute... with three people standing over my shoulder watching me fill out the volunteer form.

I drove to Asheville on Thursday night and stayed until Friday. Anne was in the encaustic class with me, and her father was having a party to unveil a portrait that was done of her.

Her family lives in Biltmore Estates... it's a really nice neighborhood in Asheville. The socialite scene was so different than the hippie/hipster side of Ashe-Vegas that I'm used to... Everyone was very southern, and very nice... but I really didn't feel like I was in Asheville... there was no stink of B.O. (I'm sure everyone there uses real deodorant, not the all-natural-doesn't-work-at-all kind), there were no tattoos or dreds... It was trippy to see that side of Asheville. Anne and her family are all so sweet.

I was really hungry and kept going back to the buffet table for more food... and then I got busted. A friend of her father's asked me if I was helping out, serving food... I was a little offended to be mistaken as "help," but then he clarified: "I've just seen you 3 or 4 times filling up plates." I was probably red, and like I'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar, I told him, "no... I'm just really hungry." Jeez... why does stuff like that only happen to me.

Anne and her family (and everyone I've told) got a big kick out of that.

I also upgraded my Verizon phone to a Blackberry Pearl. I really like it... still getting used to the keypad... but now I can Google at will... and it's smaller than my other old phone... and it was free (after the rebate).

Anne told me her family was going to Banner Elk, and I was planning to go to back to Beech. My roommate came too... we all had dinner at that little tapas place... and then she stayed here at Beech... This morning we had breakfast with her dad and his girlfriend before they left to go back to Asheville. we're gonna stay at Beech tonight...Then I start to get ready for the return to Texas next week... I'm so bummed that the summer is coming to an end...


This is a 2"x2" encaustic piece I did on paper... everyone in the class did one and we put it together in a little book for the auction... I just wish that i'd known they weren't going to trim the edges.... it looks a bit messy...

Volunteered

I colored the cages on this piece a bit darker, then I copied Boggle scores on Xerox and transfered them with wax.. Then I spent several hours scraping the wax of the top... I just need to attach the charms to hang in front of the cage... The piece that went with this, has a chandelier hanging from the top.... I tried to collage on a paper that was plastic-y (is that a word?) and it melted.... the whole thing is a mess... I think I'll leave that one alone for a while.



This is the piece that I made... I covered wood with wax medium.... then added the paper with wax covering it... except for where the feather was... then I stenciled the orange on. The bottom bird is a xerox transfer, the top is the same image, but I cut it out and used wax to collage it on.

The last few days of class (when I was bad about blogging), I created a lot of work... or adjusted some of the other work... So I'll keep posting those images, until I run out.

Yesterday, when I was at the Penland Coffee House blogging, I ran into a woman who works for the school and I've seen around... During first session she asked me if I was Kelly's sister, she took a ceramics class when my sister was the T.A.. I didn't remember her name... All I remember is when she told me her name she said "and you'll remember (her last name... something-uckin), 'cause it rhymes with 'f*ckin'." And she's right... that's how I remember her name now. Anyways, she's herding up volunteers for the big auction... and she caught me.

So, I filled out the volunteer form... the bartending and Art Docent (whatever that is) positions were already full... So, I'll be food-prep and kitchen stuff... fun, fun. I have ZERO waiting tables experience (except for a brief 3 months as a cocktail waitress at an Austin bar), or bartending... and I don't like to touch other peoples food... I told the volunteer coordinator that I don't do mornings... so I have to be there by 9 am... not too early... but still early.

Maybe I should try to get out of it... or not...

Tomorrow I may go to Asheville... a girl in my class's dad is throwing a party... it sounds fun. I want to go.

I spent today finishing the book "Love is a Mix Tape" and hanging out with a girl from my encaustic class who was workstudy. I think I would have made more friends... and had a completely different Penland experience if I'd have done workstudy.. but I know they have to wake up early.... I don't do well before noon... ever. I like my Penland experience... it was different than most... but I've really enjoyed it... it's what I needed.

I haven't looked at my paintings in a couple of days... I like them much more now... There's something about walking into a studio with work you've been struggling with... and seeing other people's work come together, that can be stressful... now that I've stepped back, I appreciate my work a lot more...

my roomie is making eggplant Parmesan for dinner.. yum

Don't make me clean your windows!

This is a piece I started... the clovers are actually little smell-good-bath-thing-ys from Pier 1, and the feather is from an owl... but since you can't use birds of prey feathers in art.... I scanned it and printed it on tissue paper.

Living with someone with OCD definitely has it's advantages... I walk around the house and he walks around and picks up after me... neither of us notices... I don't try to make a mess... but I'm a little absentminded.

It's funny, my roommate doesn't want me to clean... If I offer to do dishes, he jumps up and does them first... I don't think it's because I won't clean them as well as he does... I think it's because I won't clean them in the right order or something... like the spoon BEFORE the fork and then the knife... and so on. If I were to *GASP* clean the knife first the whole process would be disturbed and he'd have to wash his hands three times and start the whole process over again...

Of course, Mike would deny this... and I have to admit that I'm exaggerating about his washing his hands THREE times... (ha).

Mike told me about some "crazy" girl who stayed with him one time.... and WHY was she so "crazy"? Because she wanted to clean the windows! Dear God! If someone offered to clean my windows... I'd hand them Windex and a towel and say, "Oh no, really.... really you don't have to do that... but okay."

So now anytime I want to threaten him, I just tell him that I'll clean something, "Don't make me clean your windows!" Of course jokingly, because I wouldn't put him through the panic of me actually cleaning something.

So class is over... People are going home... well not me.

Last night was the auction. I wish I'd had something to put in it... But the Rathbone's were represented... I walked in and there was a piece that looked like Kelly's glasswork... and it was! Some one's estate collection was left to the school... and was auctioned off.

The BIG auction is this weekend... I just offered to volunteer... so I'll work on Friday and Saturday, helping to prepare and serve meals... I hear it's a lot of fun.. plus I get food, and a crazy t-shirt with a fake tie on it... and I'll be part of the action!

This is a little piece on black cardboard paper... one woman in my class said it reminded her of lace panties.

Now I'm trying to figure out what to do... Here are my tentative plans... To stay here, at Beech, or in Asheville until the middle of August... (I haven't cleaned anything... so Mike is okay with me staying longer), then I'll go back to Dallas for a week... well, after I go get Dylan from Midland.... then from the 22nd through the 26th I'm going to Orlando... then to Austin... And I'll stay in Lockhart for a few months... then who knows.

It's still really hot here... ugh.. someone needs to do a raindance or something! How will I survive in TX heat?!

promises, promises

I've been working so hard and so so busy... I'll have a blog up by this evening... promise.

As Promised:

Today was hot... HOT! Not Texas hot.... but hot and muggy. Too hot to put encaustic paintings in a car... One woman asked me if it was this hot in Texas. I almost laughed... thinking, if anyone in Dallas knew I was complaining about this heat, they'd roll their eyes.

We are officially done with class class... today we cleaned... the auction is tonight... I didn't donate anything, because I really don't feel like I have anything %100 completed... I have somethings that are %96 completed... but I don't want to auction off something that isn't ready... and I don't feel is done. But, I'm about to go meet my class for dinner, and then go to the auction... and when the sun goes down, I'll load up my car with my paintings and take them back to the spider-infested house... just incase you thought I was kidding... this is a small spider... and my hand on the other side of the screen... to give you some perspective... that is the closest I'll get to a spider this size...

In the last few days I've been using oil paints. I wish I knew something about oil painting before taking this class. I don't even own oil paints... I've had to use other students'... I've attempted one oil painting ever... it turned out okay... but it was a struggle and frustrating... I didn't know turpentine cleaned the brushes and it was a huge mess... After that, anytime I would start an oil painting, I'd end up just finger painting... it looked stupid... and was still a big mess.

Today I learned a technique that I wish I'd learned last week... When I carve into the wax and smear in oil paint into the lines, I use Linseed oil to make it more liquid and easier to wipe off the excess... this will be a great tool for me... I started a painting today using this...

I got a LOT accomplished. I'll go into the funny stories about classmates, huge spiders and living with a roommate in the little cabin in the woods, when my days slow down... For now, I'll just write about the paintings and the techniques I used..

Jeez... where to even start... ?

I added some tissue paper moths to the owl piece... I don't think they're in the right spot... he seems a bit unbalanced... something's off... but he's still cute.

Then instead of scraping off the hummingbird on the long piece, I found a really cool pattern and cut it out and put it inside the halo... then I used a patterned tissue paper for the butterflies... I like it because it's white, black and gray striped and sometimes the white part is invisible. I think I'll end up cutting this piece in half, and make it two.

I added more collage to the Beeswax label piece I did on the first day. I like this collage a lot... a lot more than I thought I would... it's amazing what happens when I quit thinking and just start making art... it helps when I just put something down and then respond naturally to that... I used tissue paper, and found paper and collaged on with plain encaustic medium (beeswax and resin). This is a small piece... maybe 5x7... but I want to cut it in half to make it two...

Then, last night I was trying to finish everything up... and I picked up a tissue paper owl I drew several days ago and with hot wax, I attached it to the masonite board... Then I just started painting adding texture... Then I decided, hmmm.... trees would be nice.... so I scraped in some trees... Then with oil paint and glaze I added some orange and pink highlights... I need to outline him or something... maybe string? Everyone really likes this one.. this is the biggest one...

I think I'm gonna sleep tomorrow after show and tell... maybe I'll wake up in the evening.... or maybe I'll sleep for a few days... I'm worn out... pooped. In good spirits... and doing well, but really physically tired. zzzz