one more thing: Carter Albrecht Music Foundation

One more thing!

Jayson Bales is running the Marathon, Helping to raise money for the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation.... Here's his email:

Hey folks. I want to make this short but...

1. Those of you who have already given to the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation...I say thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your generousity is amazing and your money will be used wisely.

2. Those of you who have pledged but have not yet sent in your money...I say get it together! Come on! We need you! The race is almost here and we want to acknowledge everyone who has pledged! Now is the time to send in your money.

3. Those of you who have not pledged yet to the Carter Albrecht Music Foundation as part of my running the White Rock Marathon...I say we need your help and still would appreciate your support! Any amount is sufficient. The attached letter shows suggested giving levels but there is no amount too large or small. Send your pledges to:

The Carter Albrecht Music Foundation
Northern Trust Bank
Attention: Keith Braley
16475 Dallas Parkway, Suite 100
Addison TX 75001

Please reference JB-WRM on the memo line in your gift so we can properly credit you!
I cannot thank all of you enough for supporting my first marathon and more importantly, supporting the legacy of one of DFW's greatest artists. If you need me to drive to your house and pick up your check, I will do it. And yes, the Foundation does accept stock and securities gifts. Call Annette Brown or email her for details on how to wire over securities. 972-738-8403 and email ab22@ntrs.com

Finally, if you haven't been following my blog about the training and the race, please do so at www.runningisforcrazypeople.blogspot.com

The Dallas Morning News will have a feature on us in the next two weeks and I've attached the recent article that ran in The Advocate Magazine. Again, thank you! This is the final email I'll be sending you.

Jayson Bales

feeding a cold

Me ad Kel this summer... I love My sisters and brother! :)

So, My sister has been in India this past week.... that's really scary, with everything that's been going on in Mumbai... and she was in Mumbai... but left the day before the attacks.... now she's back there and trying to come home... that is such a scary and senseless situation over there ...

I hope she's able to come home soon.... My parents have been in constant contact with her.... that's good.

I still have a very strong desire to go to India... I've wanted to go for a long time... I just want kel home safely..

I'm starting to feel better.... the cold or allergies..... or whatever I've had seems to be getting better....


what do they say? is it "feed a cold, starve a fever" or the other way around? .... anyhoo.... I haven't stopped eating.... jeez..... I barely stop for air!

tomorrow, I plan to get back in my routine....

night!

ry

random thought-bit

More and more, lately, when I look at pictures of myself.... I think I need to be on an episode of, "What Not to Wear"........

I think I need a make-over/do-over...... really....

Thanksgiving, Midland

I'm sick AGAIN! Back in Midland... in bed... just took some NyQuil... which is about to make me pass out....

i had a wonderful time in Austin! Mons and I went to see the movie, Synecdoche, New York.... wow.... beautiful.... haunting.... and intense... here's what I think is a good blog by Ebert, called "O, Synecdoche my synecdoche!" describing it.... because I don't feel like typing it out myself right now....

I drove into Midland for thanksgiving.... was a bit late.... but my family waited for me to eat.... :) thank you!

After dinner I went to meet an old classmate from Lee out for coffee.... but EVERYTHING was closed..... and I mean everything.... Starbucks, Chilis, all of the usual places.... but the bar Woofers and Tweeters opened at 7, so we went there.... were Isaac made me sing karaoke and (attempt to) two-step....

For some reason I have never been able to two-step.... EVER. and before we got on stage to sing (of course we were the first ones of the night...) i thought I was going to throw-up.... it didn't help that our song was Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" and neither one of us remembered anything except the chorus.... that one sucked... then Girls Just Wanna Have FuN and then Stayin' Alive.... none of my usual karaoke tunes.... well.... i don't have a usual.... the only one that I've sung before (twice or thrice....) is Me and Bobby McGee, by Janis Joplin....


That is the funniest pic of me EVER singing! HA HA HA! That is with the ladies sitting at the table next to us.... ha ha ! soooo funny!

Austin travels

I'm still in Austin... I've been here since Saturday night.

This time, when I drove from Midland, I did not listen to my GPS...or even plug it in.... I got to Austin in 5 hrs... instead of the almost 8 hours it took me the last time!

I don't trust my GPS anymore!

Since I've been here... I've seen Twilight two more times... hee hee...

I went to my friends Tyler and Emily's new bar, Shangri-la on 1016 E 6TH ST a few times...

For anyone who lives, or goes to Austin, check out Shangri-la! it is such an awesome place.... it's got a cool crowd... a HUGE 2 level outside patio.... and much much more... FO SHO my favorite new place in Austin... and I know it's not just that I'm biased because it's their place, because I've taken Steve and Mons there and they both loved it too.

This is a write up from eastaustinite.com


Remember that bright turquoise building? We stopped by East 6th Street’s newest addition last weekend and got some details on the Shangri-La. First of all, it is pretty awesome, and it’s topped off with a bit of more awesome. It seems like patrons will be going in through the rear entrance near the outdoor patio, and the patio in itself is pretty cool. It’s getting cooler now, but I can see us spending a lot of time out there on pleasant-weather days. The inside wasn’t finished yet, since they aren’t schedule to open until possibly November, but it’s coming along great. My favorite part of the interior has to be the gun art… nothing says welcome to Texas like guns on the wall. On top of a great selection on tap, they will have pool tables and possibly vintage arcade games for all the patrons to enjoy. We are excited about the Shangri-La opening up soon and we will be there for sure on opening day. You can be there, too, if you friend them on Myspace so you can keep up.

Here's Emily and me at Shangri-la:



Here are some random and slightly creepy things I've taken pictures of since i've been here:

On Sunday...

Okay this was cool!

So Steve has become really connected with his church, Gateway, in Austin... he's made great friends... I've met them, they are a great group of people!

Their church did something this past Sunday, that I wish you'd see more of, more often:

The church handed out envelopes with money in them... to everyone... in the envelope was anywhere from $5 to $300, and the church members said that they could do what ever they wanted to with the money, but were asked try and make the biggest positive impact with their money as possible...

So, Steve's group (I joined in), decided to make care packages for the homeless... We went to a Thrift store and Dollar General, and bought blankets, tooth brushes, socks, hats, gloves, toilet paper, and bottled water... then we put them together in packages and went to a shelter (ARCH) on 7th and Red River in Austin to hand them out...

I had NO idea how many people there were there!!! I know I've been in that area before... but have I been that blind to the homeless people? I'm ashamed that I never noticed!

We met up, grabbed our bags and walked up the alley... before we even got halfway up the alley, all of our care packages had been given out to very grateful men and women... But there were SO many of them... most of them asked for socks ... some asked for Dr. Scholl's inserts... It made sense though... their feet are the most important part to them..

It was really moving... and we all wished that we could do more... but, that was the best thing about the experience...

I think more churches should do something similar: give money to their congregations and let them help people.... i thought it was an amazing experience and I'm so glad I was able to be a part of it.


















Here's a message that was emailed from one of the group members, Ramy:

Last Thursday, for our Last Soul Rev Meeting, I told my peeps they were getting a secret envelope on Sunday, and I challenged them not to open it until 3PM when we all met back at the church/school. That's all the info I gave them... By the way, we are probably the only church in history that gives money back to the congregation. So Sunday comes, the group holds true to their commitment and at 3PM we all meet with our closed envelopes. I tell them how proud I am of their accomplishment and then I discuss the mission: to combine our funds, divide it in 2 for 2 groups, then for the next hour to scour South Austin Dollar and Thrift stores looking for toilet paper rolls, gloves, soap, tooth paste and tooth brushes, blankets, socks, beanies, jackets, and water bottles. An hour later we met at a parking lot at Congress and Oltorff and assembled 39 care packs. Then we drove up to 7th and Red River and passed them out while mingling with some new friends. It was awesome, and one of our new friends, Derrick Clark, will be performing with the South Band for Offering this Sunday. He is a poet and we decided we were going to make music to one of his poems and play it at church. Also the team has all committed to each setting aside $20 and a Sunday Afternoon a month to repeat the mission!!!
Thank you God for using Gateway yet again...

One Sunday...

Okay, I'm going to write more about what we did yesterday a bit later... but Steve made a cartoon and I thought I'd go ahead and put it up now....

HALE YES!

25 of us went to see Twilight tonight...

My parents, grandmother, bee and me and 20 other friends (mainly bee's friends), all went to see it. I made 25 shirts today that said, "TEAM JASPER" on the front and "HALE YEAH!" on the back... J's character in the movie is Jasper Hale... so we thought that was cute!

I didn't want to give my opinion, because it'll seem one-sided and subjective because J's in it... but, i'm going to, because I really loved it.

To be honest, I read the first book and wasn't sold... I didn't even care to read the rest of the books... I thought the book was an easy read, but cheesy. But I still think Stephanie Meyer is amazing... and her story is amazing... and she's a great storyteller... if she wasn't, then there wouldn't be so much to do about the books!

I thought the writer and director did an amazing job! I was so pleasantly surprised! It's for sure going to be a cult classic.... but it's already popular... so a popular cult classic? is that a real category?

After seeing it, I was surprised that so many critics had panned it... Yes, watching it is an overindulgence, just like the books... like eating too much dessert... but soooo awesome! It seemed like a movie critics would rave about... but maybe they'd only rave about it if no one liked it... I think because SO many people already love it, they have to pan it... or maybe they themselves are just frustrated actors, writers and/or directors...hmmmm.... it makes me think....

It's filmed like an Indie film, and everything that made me not like the book, was used in the movie in a humorous way. I laughed.... I didn't roll my eyes like i did when I read the dialogue in the book.... and it made it so much better. :)

i actually WANT to read the next books to find out what happens next! and I know they are an easy read... so I could... but instead, I cornered my grandmother and made her tell me (reluctantly) what happens to Bella and Edward... ha!

I want to see it again! I'm looking forward to seeing it again.

I think the cast was great. J was great... not in this one much, but when he was, he was awesome! :)

just my thoughts....



Team Jasper!

HALE YES!

Showed up

MY MESS (above)... ugh... I wish I was more organized.. and was better at math and accuracy.... oh well, maybe in my next life... what does the testimint say?!? jk omg lol!

I think I regained a bit of creativity and energy today... My legs are even more sore than they were yesterday... but I feel okay...

My little sister told my mom last Sunday that she could "see some of the 'old Ryann' coming back... like before when she was happy." (okay... that made me cry... in a good way... even just typing it).

So, there are a lot of people I know that are checking out J.'s new movie, as I type... and I keep getting emails, myspace and facebook messages from friends who just put two and two together: my brother= this movie.... rathbone=rathbone. We are all going to see the movie in Midland, when it first opens here: tomorrow. My aunt sent us candy vampire fangs and all!!! awww yeah! Twilight opening N'awlins style!

I actually felt more creative today.... I didn't when I "showed up"... by showing up, I mean, I showed "up on the page" and wrote; I went into my studio and did something.... anything......

Sometimes I would grab a color of paint. The first one I painted with was a watered down acrylic soft black with a little cream. I painted over what was just wood.. with the same stenciled acrylic paint pattern.....and then, the other big board... i painted green.... i thought about painting it magenta... but that green was my first instinct and i'll stick with that...

then I did this other one (but the pattern outline may go):


There's a painting that my parents have had for a loooong time.. probably before i was born: it is this painting: (I did not paint this... I don't know who the artist is):


I've ALWAYS LOVED it! and I think I want to paint her on the green background with an orange-y hood...... dunno,... we'll see...
Everytime I hear the song, "hey there little miss riding hood, you sure are looking good...." I think of this painting...

Notes to Self:

My legs are sore. I went to my first riding lesson today... it was nice to ride a horse again. I have a lot of confidence in myself when I'm on a horse... I wish I felt that way all of the time.

I slept for over 12 hours last night! I can't even believe I slept that long. And I'm tired now... I feel like all of my creativity was a wave... and now it's being sucked out with the tide... I still showed up: on the page and in the studio... But I felt overwhelmed and prayed for some guidance... I think I heard the answer: Patience, keep showing up and be patient.

I don't have any pictures... but... I thought I'd post some of my Notes to Self that I keep in my cell phone, just incase anyone has ever cared about the random notes in my cell phone... (I have no idea when I wrote these, some I don't even remember writing... and they're listed alphabetically):

Anger
People. New you. New Us. But don't know. Ignorance spreads. I know us. Knew you, knew me. New you. New Me. Why does the conspiracy sow a seed in the pit of my mind, and grow to emit blackness, in the absence of light...

I mean, seriously?!? what's up with the angry 15 yr old goth chick leaving notes on my phone?!?

Art Stuff
Griddle
Quilting Iron
Resin Jewelry Kit
Glass Cutter
Storage Case
Oil Paints
Sewing Pattern

YAY! I've gotten all of those items! check! check! check!

Easy
it's so easy to play it safe. And then get stuck. Stuck in routine. Stuck in the trenches of the easiest path. Stuck in what other people like about me and what I think they don't. Stuck in the past, and future. Stuck in my head and to my thoughts. Stuck in collage... Just stuck.

God
God is love and light not guilt and fear. Those are the elements of our soul not our bodies, which are dying. God is more than society and culture. God is more than contradiction and paradox in everything and everywhere. Life and death, above the cycles of human existence, God is the creator, nothing god creates ever ends. the absence of god is judgement fear guilt. God is not in the past or future; not anymore, and not yet... But god is very present in this moment and every moment.

That one had a little bit of background as to why I wrote it.

Laura Ingram
Laura ingram show?
MEAN.
Her name sounds like she should be nice. Sounds like The Little House on the Prairie.

HA! that makes me laugh...and it's very true.

Superhero Powers
Are funny.

That's what I wrote... (I'm shaking my head in disbelief)

Things to Look at
Studio Space
Residencies

Yeah, so that didn't happen....

Today
I didn't choose the road less traveled. It chose me. It's not easy, but I have to treat it like the most precious gift i could ever be given. It gives me place purpose love to share with others. it's awakened my soul, and hopefully my journey can help others to awaken.

true... but it's called "today" and I'm not sure which day that really was...

I have NO idea when I wrote any of these... except one: "Easy". .. I wrote that tonight.. and then I looked at the other strange notes on my phone, and thought: wow, these are weird.

There's one that I didn't want to share.. so it's still on my phone... it's titled "Survivors Guilt" ... I'm not really ready to share it... so I won't.

and about the goth-chick leaving notes to self on my phone... I found her... in my myspace photos... except she's about 26... not 15 ... yikes!

Would you like a Testamint?

I think I was tested to learn and practice patience today at Discount Tire....

I waited for a little over two hours to be helped and have the nozzle on my tire replaced... but I stayed patient... not only did I reach enlightenment through patience (kidding)... but they fixed it for free too! I thought I was going to have to buy two new tires.... but it was free..

But I did walk over to Hobby Lobby and spent at least an hour in there. I bought a heat gun, for encaustic, and then I saw:



So, of course I had to buy them... I didn't realize there were Bible verses on the back until just now ... This one is:

Isaiah 43:18-19
Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.


hmmm.... I think that's a good one for me... Staying present, so I don't miss the new thing... or what ever is in the present moment.

LA?

Today my parents and youngest sister are in LA for my brother's premier, for the movie Twilight...

Last night, I was talking to them and it came up that maybe I should move to LA... maybe be a publicist... It's not the first time the possibility has come up... but every time I've said, no way, no how... I'm not healed enough.... strong enough... But now, I'm actually considering the possibility... of maybe...

I have to admit: When I think about me, in LA I picture: roller blading... over-sized sunglasses... being really tan or really white (not in-between) ... eating über healthy... taking Dylan to Doga classes... saying things like "über" and "So-Co"...

But I have friends there... and family there...

Is LA calling my name? I NEVER would have thought so, but maybe it is... as long as I could still write and paint... I can't rule it out... is any place really more healing than another?

I've gotten a lot of work done... I worked on putting together some pieces from Justin Voight's and my trip through Big Bend and West Texas... I actually got a collage done, and I'm happy with it!

it's on an 11 x17 canvas that I covered in a thin layer of beeswax medium (I used the wax scraps from other collages, so all different neutral colors, and I smoothed it out with my quilting iron... Then, I ironed two layers of white tissue paper on the waxy side of freezer paper and cut them to fit in the printer and printed some of Justin and my photographs... and maps that I had collected... and then I just started layering the images on the wax with the iron.

YAY! One project completed... finished! awesome. that feels good.

Dallas Morning News Article

Thank you to Brittany Edwards and the Dallas Morning News... They wrote what I thought (and hope others think) is a nice article about my art, and healing....

Here's the Link:
DMN Article

I've been amazed by the positive response I've gotten.... through my art, ... my story... It's just a piece of my story... which is made up of so many other stories.

I talked about the interview and wish I coulda woulda shoulda said in the the blog "Does That Make Sense?!"

I always get a bit nervous when any press comes out, I think because it's my words, interpreted by someone else, who is going to use their words for a larger group of people to interpret for themselves... but I think Brittany wrote a really nice piece (thank you).

My friend, Jayme sent me this today after she read it:

Ok, I don't know why, but this totally made me cry.

I think it is because I am so proud of you and so happy that you are on such a healthy path.
A year ago you scared me on a daily basis and I wanted you to be well so bad because I saw something in you that was dying and I didn't want it to. It was a spark and I am so happy that you didn't let that spark die. You turned it into a flame!!!
You also have so much more confidence now than only a year ago and that takes a lot to achieve - and you managed to do it in the midst of a horrible tragedy. Amazing.

I am so proud of you, Ryann. I love you and am glad to call you my friend.

Love
Jayme

Thank you, Jayme! And also to everyone... for the prayers, thoughts, support, and such kindness that gave me strength when I didn't have it myself...

Much love,

ryann

Word play... and more

Okay... So I may have exaggerated a BIT on the photo of me jumping on the horse... Although, I DID jump pretty high jumps that were 6ft apart... with this horse, and even in the same place, and with the same trainer... but this photograph is of a jump that's just an average height... but I still think it's a cool photo.



That photo was taken in Norway... I learned a lot of the language when I was over there... and being a pre-teen and young-teen while living there, we'd laugh about certain Norwegian words that sounded funny... But, until I was at Eva's apartment in DC this summer... Kel and I realized that we completely missed one HI-LAR-I-OUS word... What's a bit sad is I'm laughing about it, now (almost 30), instead of 13...

Eva had a Norwegian tabloid magazine at her place, and I opened up to this, and cracked up:



"Fart" in norwegian, means fast... or speed... So, it means something like: "real fast" or "full speed"... but still! How did I live in Norway for so many years and never think that was funny... Kelly was hilarious... when i showed it to her, her jaw dropped... and Eva quizzed me on my Norwegian... and was impressed I knew what it meant...

Today, I read, cleaned... and did a little more art stuff... and bugged some of my friends, by calling and texting.

Here's some of what I've done:


This is an encaustic I started this summer... I just didn't feel it was finished %100... and it seemed unbalanced... so I added orange string... and made a heart shape around the heart... I think now all it needs is a little bit of light blue string next to the orange... and then a frame.... and then... VOILA! it's finished! yay!


I know this looks the same as it did before... but it's NOT at all... i've been going over and over these patterns with different colors... who knows what it'll end up being!

And this is a small collage I started... I tried to use Mod-Podge instead of wax... but the tissue paper (that I wanted to be clear) wouldn't go clear with mod-podge, so I put wax over that... and took a photo that I had printed on tissue paper... but it ripped... the yellow thing is probably going on there somewhere... I just haven't decided yet...

FACENESS!

i don't feel like blogging.... maybe that means i'm supposed to anyways...

I've worked ALL day today... Made a lot of progress...

I think the Indian Girl Paper Doll one is done... but now it needs to dry

Today/tonight, I miss my friends!!! I miss face to face contact... all of my friends are way cuter than my blackberry... i swear! Seriously.... I've gotta go to Dallas and Austin... and not just for "faceness" face-time... but to do stuff.. and, fine... for a little bit of "in your faceness!"

I need a trip.. (just a weekend, not a FULL ON trip TRIP) just to see everyone. I'll make friends here... I don't even doubt that... but maybe I'm finally getting to the point where I don't want to make new friends constantly... but I wanna keep the one I have... which is strange for me... I've never done that... i moved almost every two years when I was growing up... the longest I've lived anywhere was in Dallas... and that was 7 years... and to be REALLY fair I lived in Irving for one year... then N. Dallas... then Dallas, Dallas..

I have a lot of work I did today and no pics... except for this pic of the guys:

lost clothes in dream land...

The song "Somewhere over the Rainbow" has been stuck in my head all day.... I don't know why. I haven't heard that song in... well... I can't even recall when...

Today I went to the Polo club... I'm going to take riding lessons again... I used to ride english (jumping and some dressage) 14 yrs ago... and I was actually really good. I have a picture of me, somewhere, of me and the horse I was riding at the time jumping two pretty high jumps that were about 6 ft apart... I need to find that picture and scan it in. I'm really excited about it... I love riding horses!

today, I have no pandora, no urbandictionary.com words...

But I had a really strange dream last night. I only recognized two people in the dream, one was a girl I went to school with in Norway and haven't heard from since then.... and the other is a friend of mine now... But there were a lot of other people in the dream... those "dream friends".... you know them... they're always there (in dreams), but they don't exist in real life... at least I don't think so.

So we were at a party/music festival/rave... and then I was with one real friend sitting on a pool table... both of us were in costume... I had changed into a fancy 80's prom dress.... and then I wanted to change back into my normal clothes...

So, I asked around and no one knew where they were... except for one guy, who had a HUGE stretched out kleenex box on his shoulder... so, i asked him and he SCREAMED at me that he couldn't tell me because that would interrupt the band playing (he was doing the sound for the band with the box of kleenex's)... So, I left my friend and walked around looking for my clothes...

The music was really loud... it was a lot like a rave or something.. and then I found my friend (from Norway), she needed the dress back... So I had to take it off and give it to her... and then I walked around in my underwear (i wasn't all that embarrassed because I thought it covered as much as a bikini did...) but my panties were inside out... and I was embarrassed the tag was sticking out (weird...)... So I walked around the party... which turned out to be a Walmart too... and then walked back and found the first friend I was with... and he was in normal clothes...on the phone with his dad and working on his laptop... I said, "Where?!?" and he laughed and told me to check in the suitcases lined up against the wall... and that they (the suitcase owners) wouldn't mind...

Then I woke up... As random as it was, it was such a vivid dream, that I had to immediately text SOMEONE! later on, I realized that the dream wasn't as enlightening as I thought when I first woke up...

So... what does it mean??? I think, maybe, it could mean that I should go to Walmart and buy some new underwear.

today, i walked outside and found two small dead butterflies... and a nice big duck feather:

I also bought *gasp* OIL PAINTS! I have a hate-hate relationship with them... or i did... But if you paint with encaustic, then you really need oil paints... so I bought a cheap set ... and some turpentine...

So, I got back to work on the paper doll "disaster".. but not really... I'm starting to like it... i painted a bit with oils to bring out some color and then added wings on the girl:




Then I worked on the pattern even more... I keep not liking the colors I'm picking... So I keep going over it, again, and again, and again... I smeared the pink with a goldish-color... It doesn't look as crisp.... I'm liking it better. Here's a close up of the small pattern:



and when pandora froze up and wouldn't play anything for me, Dylan's snoring kept me company:



I was putting off blogging... (resistance), but maybe I'll be glad I did tomorrow.

Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks

I had a good phone conversation tonight. (so, i DID end up blogging about this! heehee)

At one point I was told that I seem to be more about question marks than exclamation points... or ? vs !, or Soldiers vs. Hunchbacks... which I was told is an essay written by Alestier Crowley. (just so you know: I did find the essay online... and it was, just as I warned via text: "a little dry... about how to drive yourself crazy with philosophy." Very true... I skimmed it. So, I can't even say I really read it... )

I didn't take being a ? as a negative thing... but it made me wonder... is having more !!!!s better than ???s ? (another hunchback) I even took it as a complement! (and now a soldier.... notice the trend...)

It was a good question... and kept rolling around in my head... so here are my thoughts!:

I think exclamation points, are for moments: Yes! NO! A-ha! This! That! There! Question marks to me are more open... They don't have to be about asking questions for answers... but looking and examining... Exclamation points are black and white... where as question marks are the all of the shades of grey in between.

! are about me... or claims I stake... ? are about allowing and preparing for change, letting things happen, not exclaiming something as good or bad, but questioning the context, paradigm... being objective... like a good objective reporter who wants to know all sides. Being introspective... that's good!

The majority of my ?s aren't the kind that need answers, Im not looking for the future, or answers for it, I'm questioning what I'm thinking, feeling and doing: Is it working? Is it good? if not, what can I do to balance myself?

But I definitely agree that there needs to be both.... right?!?!?!? Maybe now they can live, no longer vs. each other, but in perfect Hunchback, Soldier harmony. Like ebony and ivory..... (okay... that was cheeeeeeesy). I don't like "hunchback" either... maybe a better name would be a curvy soldier...

Anyways....

So, I painted today... back to good ol' acrylics and patterns... It's kind of meditative for me to get into painting patterns... so I worked on it... ALL DAY... Not even close to being done:



I also tried www.pandora.com for the first time today. I love it! It's free radio, and you pick out the music you want to hear, and they play similar artists, and you get to say yes I like that... or no I don't... It's like creating your own radio station! Sha boing BOING (okay that's a throwback to urbandictionary.com which was yesterday...)

Today, I was starting to miss my friends.... and got a little bummed... but then I received a couple of texts, calls and emails... from friends because they were thinking about me! It made me feel good... loved... and not forgotten... your timing was perfect! It's nice to know I'm not out of sight, out of mind.

Thank you!

Yes, that's my brother... Shabooya!

A lot of my friends have been asking me if my brother J is in the movie Twilight.... Yes, he is! He is playing the character, Jasper... I am very proud of him! (in the photo above, he's on the far right... I've been having trouble with photos... adding them to blogs.. taking them and so on.... so I'm sorry I kinda cut off part of his right side... I don't know how to fix it).

It's funny, because you know someone's "made it" when they are on the Home/Login page of Myspace... which he has been 3 times!!! Actually, my friends would text and email me that he was on the main myspace page... :) He totally deserves it... He is a great actor, a great friend, has worked hard, and he's a really great, cool guy, and I love him very much!

You know, when most people move out to LA to be an actor or actress, you think, great.... another waiter/waitress in LA... But with J we always knew, (I guess I shouldn't speak for anyone except myself), I had NO doubt that he was going to make it... it was just a feeling of knowing... I'm not sure if he ever doubted it or not, but I didn't. So, I'm very proud, but not surprised at all.

My parents and little sis are flying to L.A to the premiere of Twilight this weekend. It's really exciting to see so much hype around this movie, and the books, and that J's a part of it.

I remember when I first realized this could be a big thing for him: it happened this summer when I was at Penland, my mom sent me a text that said: "J's on a t-shirt at Hot Topic in the mall!" I remember thinking: why is mom at Hot Topic?! and then thinking wow, we all need to get one of those shirts!

I'm not sure of the date, but I know Twilight comes out in the next few weeks.

Here's a pic of my family that Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) took of my family last November in LA... it's on the site www.jackson-rathbone.com






okay....

I didn't paint or draw today... but I DID write, and I am blogging... so I don't consider myself off track.

I did a lot of emailing today... actually one email (from Sara) that seemed innocent enough... (she forwarded %50 coupons to Michaels) turned into a back and forth exchange... which led Sara, Aubrey and me to the depths of urbandictionary.com and back... (or we may be stuck there... who knows)...

We spent a lot of emails one-upping each other with new words... Like:
shabooya
In your face like booyah except with much more in your faceness....

I swear! That's a direct quote! "faceness"?! genius!

We may have an unhealthy addiction to that web site now... at least they have something to do at work! ;)

"Does that make sense?!"

A few weeks ago, when I was in Dallas, I was interviewed for the Dallas Morning News Home section, about my art work...

The woman who interviewed me is so nice, she is the same one who did my write up for DailyCandy.com back in May.

But, I felt scattered in the interview... because there was SO much to say, and I had only an hour. I wanted her to know all of my artistic journey (which is not as much DMN article material as it is... well... a BOOK). I didn't know where to start, or what to say...

I tried my best... she told me I was making sense... I wasn't sure...

Usually when I'm talking about many things I'm passionate about simultaneously I usually ask, "does that make sense?" over, and over and over again..... because, most of the time, I know what I'm trying to say... but my words don't capture my thoughts and feelings... and I'm very abstract at times... so most people just smile and nod when I ask, "does that make sense?"

This is what I wrote in my journal afterwards ... also I sent her an email afterwards, with the subject "Things I shoulda said":

"10-26-08
I just had an interview about my art. It's so hard to put my art into an hour long interview. I have journals and blogs that chronicle most of my journey, my life's journey.... learning... healing. I don't even know how to describe everything... and put it in a nutshell...

My art is so much bigger than me... about honesty, healing, stories.... my stories.... telling stories with symbols... but sometimes even a simples shape or object carries more weight than I can even know.. It comes from something else... in me... but not me... God? Love? The collective consciousness? Every little moment in time and each story since the beginning has brought me to my place, my current story... it's not even MY art...

Art was always there... and will always be... art and love.

Unfortunately, for most (including me), it takes suffering to be able to see, really SEE, the art and love in everything. Carter's death was the catalyst for my art... but it does not define it... but with love he's allowed me to see.. and share.

To me, art at first was a story.. my story, and heart crying to make sense of senselessness... Now art I make has changed as the story has evolved... I'm awake and alert... my eyes are opened, and i want to express that sight/insight with art. I try to respond moment by moment... Not holding on to how things are "supposed to be"... because we don't know how things are "supposed to be" ... that's the mystery of life, our stories are never what they're supposed to be (to us), but they are the pieces of the fabric of stories that come together to create the human story of life....

When I make art now, I want to share my journey. When I travel and see beautiful scenery; a landscape, and remember the landscape, I don't just remember the view, but I remember the feel of the rock i sat on, the falcon that flew over my head, the butterfly that landed by me, as if it wanted to be observed... they aren't the snapshot of the landscape, but they are a part of my experience and connection to that landscape at that moment... With art I try to express my personal experiences in those moments.."


Sorry.... a little longer than i meant to write... and I left a lot out... So, did that make sense? ha. joking... kinda....

Well, i don't know when the article is coming out... I'm working on new work too... I'd like to get into a gallery.... because I don't know how to do this myself... I am sending stuff to the Gypsy Wagon... so they'll have prints... I get overwhelmed with that part...

So, today... I read the book The Shack. I got it... but I'll talk about it another time.

i really really really wanted to do something else instead of the encaustic collage I've been working on... but I HAD to fix it... so I did... a bit... still not done, but not annoying me so badly:



Then I started a new really small collage, it might be done... It's so hard to tell... I think if they were both framed nicely, it'd make a HUGE difference...



Sorry about the photos.. My camera still has this big black blurry spot in the picture...

Encaustic collage comes back, as another one (camera) bites the dust..

Why am I the kiss of death for digital cameras?!? Every time I buy one, something happens! This summer I lost one to "lens error", then tonight I tried to take pictures of my work but there is a huge black fuzzy dot in the middle! I tried to clean the lens.. but it's still there... ugh! What is it? Will it go away?



All of my pics below were taken off-centered, and cropped so the dot won't show...


The last two days here in Midland, I've fought my Resistance... and won... I need to stop judging the results though.

I've unpacked my stuff. It's not a hard thing to do, but it's been harder, because I haven't been really settled and unpacked anywhere since last year when C was killed... I've been a refugee of sorts... When i stayed at the house my parents rented for me in Dallas, i was unpacked... but not settled.... my mind wasn't settled...

I'm so used to living out of a suitcase now, it's kinda scary... and sad.

But, i unpacked. and organized (almost everything)

I've written in my journal for the second day in a row (I'm proud of myself for that), and I've blogged (also proud of myself), and I've tried to do some encaustic collage....

I'm trying to not judge what I do... and let it happen... but it's HARD!

Here's my process: I had masonite board that I coated in beeswax medium, and then I took a paper doll book (that I bought on the Big Bend trip), a sewing pattern for dresses.. some doilies, and tissue papers.... I used a quilting iron that I bought a few months ago and collaged on the pieces wax...

It started like this:



And then I decided to add the Indian Girl paper doll book:



and



Those pictures were taken with my cell, so the color is a bit different...

Then, today i decided to add more dress pattern and color in the dresses.... I'm not really happy with how this looks... it's too abstract for me... I may cut out the paper doll dresses.... I'm still working with this though:



I'm trying not to judge what I do... and just react to what I put down instead... Sometimes I stop myself, and say out loud, "thinking, judging, let go..."

I may let that project sit for a few days before I get back to it...

I've been somewhat of a hermit here so far (but for two days... does that even count?!?), I'm tired from all of the traveling... and I'm ready to get to work ... and make some work I'm happy with... i think I need to be a little bit of a recluse to tap back in to my connectedness and creativity flow. Does that just make me strange? probably.... but a lot of the great artists and writers were considered "strange". I know I'm not "normal"... and I'm finally making peace with that.

I'm fighting fear right now... fear of being an artist, or a writer... just fear of patience... maybe? fear of failure and fear of success... It makes me want to hide... but I can't. I KNOW something good will come... but I'm being tested. Damn that "Resistance!".

what are you wrapped up in?

When I was in Dallas a week or two ago (wow, time is so insignificant...), I participated in my friend Tiffany Volmer's project. (original concept by tiffany volmer, photography by hal samples).

Tiff is putting together a project about women and what they are wrapped up in. She started this two years ago, when she experienced significant losses in her own life. That kind of suffering makes any soul search... and want to express themselves... that's what i do... that's what Tiffany is doing....

It comes from such a honest place. The place where suffering makes you crumble or leaves you no choice but to be stronger than you ever thought you'd be... That's why I agreed to participate in Tiff's project, with Hal Samples (a friend and an amazing photographer).

I'm only one of the women and concepts of Tiff's idea, and Hal's photography.... But i want to share my experience.

Tiff (a make-up artist and costume designer... also just a badass artist), painted me all white... even my hair... which took washing at LEAST 35 times before the oily white base came off....

It was translucent, and Tiff made a heart that was broken, but then glued back together and then tied with a bow of gauze... and that was glued on my chest. She also penciled in veins... to show, (my words, not her's... yet) that the heart was broken but mended... i was white... but the heart still pumped blood through my veins...

She will be setting up a website soon... and I'll keep everyone posted on her project... and Hal Samples (www.halsamples.com) is the amazing photographer who took these photo's and many more.... I feel the two of them worked together to create an amazing experience for me that expresses loss, suffering and a broken heart, but also hope, and love... LOVE that we choose to let help us to overcome suffering and make us more awake to love and so, so much stronger....

those two are an incredible team.... thank you to both... I'm so glad I was able to be a part of your project.